Before I (we) Knew

things we said before we knew we were a system. Diagnosed DID system.

[gothextramiles]

Just very embarrassingly thought "is like I'm a different person when I have these pain flares." Wow, no shit sherlock. You've got Become a Different Person Disorder. It's almost like I had a coherent thought.

[sparks-theastronaut]

Imagine a superhero who's plural and each alter has a unique superpower

[p3rf3ctcha0s]

[before-we-knew]

We think that we're experiencing something like dream reality confusion (DRC) related to [DID] memories of headspace interactions with a particular factive introject VS. memories of interactions with their source.

There are no third-party witnesses to the interactions.

We aren't out as a system to source, and it wouldn't be safe for us to tell them.

Factive is pretty new and doesn't really understand that they're part of a system as opposed to being the source yet, so they can't tell us.

We are going through a new trauma at the moment that's making us extremely spacey and switchy, and that's likely the reason for the confusion as well as the alter split.

So, hopefully, the confusion clears up when the traumatic event ends..?

We aren't likely to have any interaction with source in the meantime unless we initiate it ourselves.

But, we're feeling a lot of really intense emotions about the memories, and it's very difficult for one alter in particular not to reach out to source and pour her heart out based on the assumption that the memories are of source.

I think that it's best for us to wait out the unfolding events until we stabilise, hopefully then we'll just Know who the memories are of, but if not, then we can come up with a plan to reach out to source in a way that gives us plausible denial if the memories turn out to be of our factive not of source.

Has anybody been through this or something similar? Is this a common system problem? I know bpd folks get DRC, how do y'all deal? Can you give us any advice? Feels like we're drowning over here.

💚🫠 😭

Brain cells have turned into soup, all is mush, so many big feelings, feels like we took shrooms but we haven't done that in years. Mushy mush. What is a memory? I want off this ride. Who am I? Why am I? Do I have to be? I wish that I'd died instead of him. I think we're doomed I want to go back.

[alliezweihander]

"if you forgot then it obviously wasn't important to you" is an ableist thing to say and i'm tired of pretending it's not

[alliezweihander]

I've forgotten *my own birthday* before. There are several years of my life just straight up missing. In the past I've forgotten silly little frivolous things like NAMES OF LOVED ONES or WHERE MY HOUSE IS. But obviously none of that was important. Fucking awful, ableist thing to say.

[before-we-knew]

Sometimes, I forget my own name. 🫡

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

why in hell's jingling bells am i having recurring nightmares about owning luxury real estate. who's out there beaming beachfront property listings directly into my frontal lobe. what's happening to me is this a death stage

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

ok now we've switched to 1980s runaway bride wedding comedies, which one of you fuckers stole the remote????

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

we've moved in the right direction and r switching wildly bt feminist horror and gay murder crime but would y'all PLEASE STOP FIGHTING OVER THE REMOTE

[before-we-knew]

@funnier-as-a-system

[before-we-knew]

One: I may not like many individual humans who I know personally, but I think humanity on balance is a good thing and worth preserving.

Two: I literally loathe humanity, people are awful, all of them. I hope the planet explodes before we manage to infect another one.

Three: I love everybody and everything, and it's ok that people make mistakes sometimes because most people mean well deep down.

Four: I think y'all are unwell.

[fairycosmos]

did you know that apparently if you try to act normal the normalness doesn't come through but the acting does. and did you know apparently everyone can smell this on you like a bloodhound

[before-we-knew]

I was about to contradict this, because I can fake being normal so well that I fool professionals, but then I realised that it probably doesn't count if you just tag team in another guy who lives in your head who dedicates themselves completely to being "normal."

Basically, we can fake normal for a couple of hours to a new person. Anything beyond that and the cracks start to show.

We're in the closet as a system - except for a couple of close friends and medical professionals. And all of tumblr, lmao. But we don't really try to act "normal" outside of situations that demand it. We just blame all our weird on the autism and memory issues that we are open about.

Almost everybody I've ever met thinks I'm fucking weird. But that's OK. Being weird is fine.

[64mpg]

what do you mean my childhood affected me

[64mpg]

i have terrible news

[before-we-knew]

That's not fair.

How rude to be hiding there.

A trap baited just for me,

Coiled in the cryptic key.

And over and over and over, I become new.

Over and over, I forget you.

Then, I dig up the grave by accident searching for myself.

How do I leave behind what's hidden?

Might be best unwritten

Let my id erase

The last few days

TLDR: I stumbled over a ptsd trigger in the solution to a cryptic crossword clue. Writing instead of drinking.

[imots]

[json-derulo]

I secretly enjoy the daylight savings time shifts because as someone with ADHD time-blindness it’s fun to watch everyone else get knocked down to my level twice a year

[json-derulo]

ohhh my goddd, you feel like someone stole an hour from you or shoved an extra one where it doesn’t belong? you were late to something because the clocks and the sun are colluding to lie to you? should we throw a party? should we invite benjamin franklin

[before-we-knew]

@funnier-as-a-system

[onemillionfurries]

PLEASE. PLEASE I REMEMBER SEEING A "WHO'S THE EVIL ALTER" DOODLE FROM YOU AT SOME POINT AND I AM LOOKING FOR THE TEMPLATE BUT I CAN'T FUCKING FIND SAID DOODLE AGAIN. FRIEND OF MAIN SYSTEM PLEASE HELP ME I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE

here's the meme and here's the doodle :]

[what-even-is-thiss]

I was watching a video game challenge run of all things when the guy said “The old versions of yourself aren’t ever completely gone. You just become more” and when I tell you that took me the heck out

[what-even-is-thiss]

It was in reference to growing up because he was roleplaying as a dad that’s trying to save every kid in the game.

That’s part of growing up. You don’t lose your past selves. You just become more. More new parts of you just get added on. That’s a way of looking at it that’s never occurred to me before.

[before-we-knew]

@funnier-as-a-system

[lakevida]

legit just sneezed so hard i turned into a different person

[before-we-knew]

"If I was easy to kill, you would have done it already"

- Hunter, Paris Paloma

Trigger Warning: Suicide

One of us or another has always stopped us. An "accidental" overdose treated, clawing up the rocks out of the river battered but alive, a wound bandaged, the ocean water coughed up, vodka and pills thrown up, walking dark and dangerous streets but then fighting back and running.

We want to live I suppose. I'm just not always sure why. There are beautiful skies, there's music, there are soft warm cats, and trusting eyes. Colours that we wish we could taste, sounds we wish we could drink, and maybe one day again skin we want to touch.

It feels impossible now - love, alien, though i know it's happened before. We are so disabled and isolated that the future is a blur of grey.

[before-we-knew]

I remember that field in the farthest darkest night that we could reach, the plants brushing up to our thighs as we stumbled out and how we released the HOWL into the ground into the sky moving through and out out out of me, we screamed, all the grief, all the pain, and then hoarse with it, falling into giggles a hysterical fit of laughter. But we knew - sounds fly far over flat ground, so we left running, running back to the car to flee the scene of our excess before other people found us. Pedal to the metal, escape.

It's a joyous memory.