Behind Closed Doors

When you stand before me and look at me, what do you know of the griefs that are in me? And what do I know of yours? And if I were to cast myself down before you and weep and tell you, what more would you know of me than you know of hell? When someone tells you it is hot and dreadful

[time-lady-the-sage]

I couldn't stop watching the part where Charlie swoops in to save her girl so I made it into a gif

Original Video ⬇️

https://youtu.be/uitvf-sDkAQ?si=M8KAzcOLzkhsOrDH

[haljathefangirlcat]

Vaggie + giving Charlie the softest looks

[the-irreverend]

Making a History Hates Lovers edit for a queer pairing for every day of June

Day 1 - Lumity

[robinoxel]

It’s pride month 💕

[anonymousgenres-deactivated2026]

So it’s been five years since this happened 🥺🥹😭

[behindcloseddoors247]

Lonely

The last drop of coffee sits still In the mug At the bottom In the center And if I wanted to I could tilt my head back And relieve it from its place But I think instead I’ll just allow it to suffer And simmer A little bit longer To feel hopless And unwanted And desperate And lonely Because then at least I’ll know That something else feels The exact same way I feel now

[behindcloseddoors247]

Exhaustion

I am tired

not for lack of rest –

no, I slept quite well last night

and i’ve had my coffee 

its something deeper, something

inherently present, in the 

fibers of my skin

in my tendons, in my eyes 

I am exhausted

fatigued by life 

by the noise and the silence

the people

and the empty rooms 

the light and the dark 

by hope and 

dispair 

So worn down by the world 

that nothing in it can 

refresh my mind from the 

constant buzzing.

I am tired. 

and there are not enough hours in the night 

for the type of rest I need. 

[behindcloseddoors247]

The loneliest people Are the kindest The saddest people Smile the brightest And the most damaged people Are the wisest

All because they do not wish to see people suffer the way they have

[behindcloseddoors247]

Breaking Point

I am calm. 

I was calm when I was being harassed at work. 

I was calm when I was being treated like shit for refusing his advances. 

I was calm when I’d had enough, quit and walked out. 

I was calm when I was home smoking, trying to relax and minding my own business. 

I was calm when the off duty cop barged in my front door screaming at my brother saying he was calling the cops to have us arrested.  

I was calm when I walked to my room, locked the door, jumped out the window and ran. 

I was calm when I knew I had come this close to being arrested and charged with a felony. 

I was calm when I was driving home late, on the highway, and it was dark and there were no streetlights.

I was calm when I finally saw the black suburban perpendicular on the road blocking two lanes of traffic.

I was calm when I realized I wasn’t wearing my seatbelt.

I was calm when I knew I was going to hit him. 

I was calm during the impact when the air bags went off.

I was calm when I realized I was alive. 

I was calm when I realized that for a split second I wished that I wasn’t. 

[behindcloseddoors247]

I wrote this around this time last year, and i was in really bad place. But I've gained some perspective and I have to say I'm very much glad to still be alive

[courtsport25]

Leave a positive impact

In my last post I touched on how rough the past few year have been for me. And the worst thing I did was keep negative people around in my life because I was terrified of being alone. But I realize now that feeling alone and isolated when you are surrounded by these people is worse than actually being alone. And as soon as I put some distance between myself and toxic relationships, all the sudden the right kind of people started showing up in my life. 

Now I work hard everyday to be the right kind of relationship in everyone else’s life. I think the greatest and most admirable quality in anyone is kindness. Everyone I meet has struggled with something in their life and it literally costs me nothing to just be kind to them. 

 I want to be the type of person you can share the best things in your life with and the type of person you can come to on your worst days. I want to be the type of person people feel comfortable with, loved and not judged. 

I think those who have been through the most, hated themselves, and are lonely tend to be the kindest and best souls. I don’t want anyone else to ever feel the way I’ve felt. I just want to love others and leave a positive impact. 

[courtsport25]

The past few years, life update

Almost everyone i’ve ever met says that your college years after highschool are the best years of your life. Well I certainly hope thats not the case because since graduating in 2013 my life has been increasingly more stressful. And looking back I think 2015 was probably the worst year of my entire life. My anxiety level went through the roof and my depression hit me real hard. And those are thing i’ve always struggled with but I was mostly able to manage up until i reached a breaking point. After I lost my job last november I basically gave up on everything. Sure I passed all my classes and actually stayed in school this time, compared to the last time I got bad a few years ago and completely failed all 5 classes my first semester of college. But I wasn’t actively looking for another job, I kept spending all my money and pretty soon I couldn’t pay my bills. around the same time my bestfriend moved away, and that hit me pretty hard because i’m not the type of person who forms close relationships with lots of people, and honestly he was really my only friend. So when I lose someone like that who i’m that close to I feel very alone and isolated which really just adds to my depression. I was so swept up in my own self pity and self hatred that I didn’t appreciate anything about life. I felt so worthless because I was broke, and barely passing my classes, not actively contributing to anything, wasting my time alone in my room. I waited months for someone to fix it for me. I got stuck in this slump from august of last year all the way to maybe a month or two ago and I could not find an escape. 

But eventually I realized the reason I couldn’t find an escape is because I wasn’t actively looking for one, I was waiting for someone to hand it to me on a silver platter. But at the end of the day, the only person who could save me was me. No one else will ever be as invested in my life and my well being as I am. I have everything to gain and everything to lose. If I want friends, I have to go out and find them. So I did. If i want a job and want to make money so I can move out and be self sufficient, no one is gonna give it to me I have to go get it. So I did. I want to be done with my associates degree as soon as possible, I have to take sumer classes, so I did. 

2016 had a really rough start, but I can now say I have an internship with a professional theater company, i’m managing a starbucks kiosk in a hospital, and i’m hopefully getting a management job at the braums I work at soon. By the fall i’ll be done with my associates degree and i’ll be working on my bachlors by spring of 2017. All of these are fucking great things but they happened because I worked at it. I work 60 to 70 hours a week. Because I realized that in order to be successful you have to go after what you want with a fury. Ask for the job, ask for the raise, be bold and be brave. People will respect you for it. 

And don’t get me wrong, asking anyone for anything fucking terrifies me. I get a knot in my stomach and fear makes the blood in my veins run cold. But the differences is where in the past I would have let that stop me from trying, and now i’m just tired of being afraid. So I push through it. Eventually it gets easier and everything isn’t as terrifying. 

I guess my point in all this is that I know alot of people following me have their own struggles, and probably have been through alot of the same shit I have. But I can tell you from experience that it DOES get better. But you have to be the one to make it better. And the first step is surrounding yourself with positive and kind people who support and push you to be better, but it comes from you. 

[behindcloseddoors247]

Do you ever day dream about your own death? Like do you imagine yourself taking a bullet it for someone. Or rushing into a burning building. Because I do. I think that would be a good way to go Because at least then my life would have meant something I always thought I'd die young anyway

[behindcloseddoors247]

Would you mind?

Sometimes depression shows in the little things Like not looking before you cross the street Or always forgetting your seatbelt Sometimes it's driving home when you know you're a little drunk Or taking more than the recommended dose of painkillers It's not that you're trying to die It's just that you wouldn't mind if you did

[call-me-taylor-blog]

I’m always walking around with these glossy eyes. “I’m just tired,” I say. But you know what? It’s bullshit. Yes, I am tired, but it’s not all from lack of sleep. I am tired of waking up with nothing to look forward to, tired of going to bed exhausted after doing a million things I found no enjoyment in doing. I am tired of this void, this emptiness that looms over me even though my days are packed. I’m tired of the loneliness that presses down on me even though I’m surrounded by dozens of people. So why can’t I just say it? Humans are so afraid to look into each others eyes and say “I am unhappy, I am broken, Iam hopeless and fallible.” We’ve been conditioned to associate pain with weakness, sadness, with coldness, loneliness with unworthiness, difference with disease, as if these feelings are contagious, as if ambivalence is something not to be felt but to be feared.Well, I say screw all of that. Screw forced smiles and polite handshakes and I’m fine thank you’s. Screw the fear of crying in a public place, screw the fake chipper voice, screw the lies we spit out to cover up our problems. I am human. I am meant to feel. to feel everything and to feel it all openly. I am not metal - I am flesh and bone. My boiled blood courses through my cold, clammy hands. I am intricate and beautiful and I nor anybody else should ever hide our human parts, because if we do, Then what’s left to show?

(via call-me-taylor)

[followmeintothephandom-blog]

[dollmorgue]

[acutelesbian]

A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

[fat-thin-skinny]

this fucks me up every single time

[acutelesbian]

I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class.

After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.

The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.