I rarely post personal things on my Tumblr. But I’ve always thought of it is a safe space, and the people who follow me whom I know in real-life are loved. So here goes:
I have decided to quit smoking. And I am so deeply proud of myself, because for the first time in my life, I mean that. And not because it’s expensive, or because the people who matter hate it when I interrupt a conversation to head to the balcony, or because half of long-term smokers die from smoking-related issues.
I have smoked for 8 years. I tried my first cigarette at 16 and was smoking daily by 18. I’m 24 now.
A friend of mine worked at a smoke trailer on the local reserve, which had a box containing free samples for the white people who drove half an hour out of the city to buy tax-free cigarettes. Instead of Player’s, you could find Putter’s for 30 bucks a carton instead of 60.
It was then I inhaled for the first time, and I loved it. I loved every cigarette I smoked- on the patio of a pub with friends, in the evening after tucking in to dinner, when cruising along a country road with the windows down, around the campfire as the crickets chirped and I drank my seventh Guinness.
In so many ways, then, smoking was a way to tap into that nostalgia. Echoes of a bygone era, of being a teenager. Of living without regard to permanence.
But the truth is ugly, as is having an immune system betray you, as is a morning cough that won’t quit, as is a woman with a hole in her throat on the pack you blew two hour’s pay on.
The cigarette poisons your body and your mind, though...despite it all, it’s the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do before sleep. As was once discussed with a good friend via. weed and a full moon, even hard drug addicts now, free from their demons, still cannot give up nicotine.
I have been smoke free for two weeks; hoping to go on two years. The vape helps. I’m at 6 ml now and I have the support of the people I love.
I am not a smoker, my fingers will not wither to yellow and I will not speak as though sand is trapped in my throat. I love my mother but will not become her mistakes.
6 ml be dammed. I want to taper off into nothing instead of becoming it. There is a long road ahead but there’s money to be saved, a habit to be kicked, and life to be lived. <3
