Being Birth Mom

This is a where I will chronicle my experience with pregnancy, open adoption, and just the everyday things of having a baby you won't raise.

[beingbirthmom]

[evies-mom]

Still can’t go through one night out without talking about my daughter.

[sexemulators]

A mother’s love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no aw, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path.

Agatha Christie (via quotethatword)

[beingbirthmom]

Signed the papers today..

He is no longer my baby. 😥

[beingbirthmom]

Going in for my induction today. Though I don’t know if they will have to. I’ve been having contractions all night. I can’t believe this is almost over. I’m terrified. My aunt found out and she has been trying to convince me to keep him or give him to her. It’s frustrating and upsetting. I have chosen his parents. I know who I want to raise him. And how could I tell them after 6 months that I changed my mind and give munchkin to my aunt who has already had the joy of raising kids. Not to mention I would see him more this way than if she got him.

[beingbirthmom]

This weekend?

Starting to feel some changes. Thinking maybe my adoptive father will have an awesome Father's Day present... Or that's the dream. Lol.

[hannahstrikesback]

To all my birthmom's out there, This needs to be said today...

I LOVE YOU.

<3

[evies-mom]

6/11/16

My daughter turned 3 days old today. I cant believe it. She had her first doctor appointment & her parents told me that she’s all good and healthy and had already gained an ounce back! She had lost only 3% of her weight after being born which came to be about 2 or 3 ounces. The doctor said anything under 10% was a normal amount of loss, so I’m glad she’s doing so well.

It was also my first day home from the hospital & honestly I wish I could’ve stayed. The last time that I was here, I was pregnant so it’s kind of hard to be back. I’m reminded of her everywhere I look & every second of the day. When I was laying down I turned on my side & quickly realized that I no longer need to lay a blanket under my belly. When I was pregnant, Evie used to kick every time I laid on my side but I guess now it doesn’t matter.. It’s also so weird to look in the mirror & no longer see a bump. I still want to touch & rub my stomach to be close to her but she’s no longer in there. I think that’s a regular part of postpartum blues but it seems a bit harder to not be able to see or hold her either.

I’ve cried every night so far just because I miss seeing her so much & I have a feeling that it won’t stop anytime soon. I cant help but tear up when I see her picture & since its the background on my phone, it happens a lot. When I go through all the pictures I have because I cant resist looking at her beautiful face, I become like a waterfall of tears. Part of it is because I miss her, but so much of it is because of how beautiful she is & how much love I have for her. She’s the most wonderful, beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and all I want to do is love her & look at her. That’s why it hurts so much to not be able to hold her & kiss her.

I’ve decided that tomorrow I am going to ask her parents if it would be okay for me to see her & them one last time before they go back to their home state. They’re only going to be in town for a few more days & I really just want to be able to hold her one last time & get some more pictures. I was bawling almost the whole time I spent alone with my daughter before she left the hospital so it was hard to enjoy it fully between the tears & tissues. I also want to get a picture of me & her together where you can see both of our faces because I only have one. It’d be better since I wouldn’t be in a hospital gown too & I’d have time to look nice. I really think I need that last time with her. I just hope they say yes.

That’s another thing that is hard as a birth mother. I’m scared & worry because at any time they could just stop talking to me & then I would have no connection with her. They’re amazing people though and I know they wouldn’t do that but emotions & fear just get my brain to think otherwise.

The pain has been moderate today. Its a little harsher than yesterday but I think it’s from how much I’ve been moving. I took an extra pain pill to help relieve it before I go to sleep. Hopefully it won’t be too bad tomorrow, I’ve been recovering really well so far.

[beingbirthmom]

Cried a little reading this... No one gets what birth mothers go through but fellow birth mothers. Be strong and know you are loved!

[beingbirthmom]

38 Weeks

I'm officially 38 weeks today. It's so hard to believe how close he is to being here. He could come any day now. I look forward to recovery. I have gained almost 70 pounds and am desperate to lose it.

[beingbirthmom]

Mom and dad went to Tennessee for my cousins wedding. We have decided not to tell my extended family about the pregnancy or the adoption since it would make it more difficult. Because of this I had to stay here. We had agreed to tell them I didn't feel good and may be sick (which isn't to far from the truth) but mom changed it to my sinuses are bad. Now everyone is mad at me and won't speak to me. So I am spending my weekend alone and depressed. I have cried so much today alone and I still have 2 more days till they get home. I really just wanna go to sleep and never wake up. I'm tired of this.

[beingbirthmom]

I am ready to be done.

I am so tired. I am so ready to have Munchkin so things can move on. I feel like I'm stuck in a never ending circle of people touching my belly and telling me I'm gonna pop soon. I'm ready to be invisible again.

[beingbirthmom]

Photoshoot with Adoptive Parents.

I am so blessed by the people adopting my sweet boy.  They are so pure hearted and I know they will be amazing parents to my munchkin.

[alliephernelia]

This year is my first Mother’s Day, on April 27th I gave birth to the cutest little baby boy named Deklyn, who will never call me mommy. 3 days after on my discharge day I officially signed over my parental rights and placed my child in a loving home. The adoptive parents can paint me out to be a bad person all they want because I know that I did what was right for my baby, I want him to have all the luxuries that I didn’t have, I want him to never have to struggle, and if he does struggle with depression and anxiety I want him to know that I am always a phone call or text away. Going through this experience I do want more children in the future but I want them when I can take care of them financially. Plus I want Deklyn to be okay with it, I don’t want him to feel like I gave him up or that I didn’t want him because I wanted to keep him and be mommy so badly but then all we would do is struggle and I don’t want that. On Tuesday April 26, I went to the obgyn for a hospital follow up from the weekend before. My blood pressure was through the roof and I was showing signs of preeclampsia. So I went to the hospital where they did an IV and hooked me up to magnesium sulfate also I got a steroid shot to mature Deklyn’s lungs. After all that I was rushed via ambulance to another hospital that has a nicu and is more equipped for high risk pregnancies and deliveries, once there the high risk specialist said that it was becoming a life or death situation and if I didn’t give birth soon then I was going to die. So that night they started me on cervidel to soften my cervix then on Wednesday at 8 am they added pitocin to my now growing list of medicines going into my IV. I was diagnosed with intrauterine growth restriction, severe preeclampsia, and gestational hypertension all of which I couldn’t stop there was absolutely no way for me to have prevented any of it. After sleeping through most my contractions they started affecting my blood pressure so I had to get an epidural then I fell back to sleep, the next time I woke up the nurse gave me what’s called a peanut and it goes in between your legs to open up the pelvis well right after she did that I felt pressure and 10 minutes later at 9:14 pm I had given birth.

[beingbirthmom]

I am so tired. I'm sitting in bed at 3am (been up since 2am) crying because I can't get comfortable to go back to sleep. My mind is racing and I am freaking out. I am so done with pregnancy. I hate it. I'm honestly cool with never having kids. I feel like a terrible person because I literally just want this kid out of me. I don't want to be his mom. I just want to be done. I am going to be a fat cow for the rest of my life because of a baby I don't even want. Why do I not love this child? Why am I so partial to him? He is growing inside of me and yet all I want is to be parted from him. Will I change my mind once he is here? Right now, I just resent him.

[becomingonewithmybed]

[beingbirthmom]

You can't ever understand the choice to place your child in adoption. The agony. The hurt. The selflessness. Please consider this before you say things like "I could never do it." You don't know that. Consider this before you choose to adopt, whether closed or open. You are taking a child from it's mother and regardless of what you think the situation is, it is always so much deeper. Birth mothers deserve love and support not judgement.

[beingbirthmom]

For the beautiful people who chose adoption over there own wants. You are strong.