Hey there! I'm Bento and this is my blog. We are both new to the snz community. I am an amateur writer and will post scenarios (and maybe fics) every now and again.
Please do not interact with this blog if you fall under any of the below categories:
I really love all these giant!snz stories lately 🥰
Gotta say, seeing Victoria take control of Chelsea's nuclear schnoz and be 100% sure of her abilities was a highlight for me.
I will however ask where did she learn such skills? Does she have experience with other people with destructive sneezes? Or is she one of them herself?
Hey there! I appreciate that you enjoy my fics, thanks for letting me know!
The answer to your question will be under the cut as I got a bit carried away with the response:
Victoria is one of a select few hyper-competent aides that have been trained to deal with people afflicted with severe macroptárnisma.
Macroptárnisma (literally meaning big sneeze) is a condition that affects an individual's nasal sensitivity, lung capacity and propensity for forms of rhinitis, culminating in the afflicted individual possessing abnormally large sneezes. People with macroptárnisma exist on a spectrum; some have sneezing fits small enough to scatter stacks of paper and others big enough to cause collateral damage.
For those on the more destructive side of the spectrum the municipal government will often provide them with an aide to help manage their condition. These aides, and by extension, Victoria, are certified in managing the condition and trained on how to deescalate itches, holdback sneezes, keep residences free of irritants, and prepare smooth trips to nearby safe zones.
She herself is not afflicted with macroptárnisma, but finds the condition intriguing enough to continue working as an aide to those who do. Victoria has been an aide to three other people before Chelsea, and was ultimately assigned to them because she is fantastic at what she does and Chelsea requires someone at the top of their game to keep up with them.
She enjoys working for Chelsea in particular because of the difficulty associated with doing so. They are rather unabashed and shameless in their experience with the condition and actively enjoys sneezing, which makes her job ... interesting to say the least.
Absolutely love your oc Chelsea. They *need* some spinoff stories :D
Ask you shall receive... eventually🫠.
This Could Have Been an Email (N)
Frustrated while sitting in on a pointless meeting, Chelsea decides to relieve some boredom. Whether the building can handle how they relieve their boredom isn't of much concern to them.
1.9k words. Gigantic sneezes below the cut.
Do not reblog to non-kink blogs
Chelsea Flores was incredibly bored.
They sat in a crisp, immaculately tailored suit, in a pristine meeting room surrounded by overstuffed, pompous old men. At some point, it crossed their mind that watching paint dry might have been a preferable alternative to listening to them prattle on about increasing shareholder value and capturing more partners for the magazine. Chelsea lolled their head to one side, carefully studying their aide, Victoria, out of the corner of their eye.
There couldn't have been more of a difference between the two. Whereas Victoria sat at attention and meticulously took notes, Chelsea actively fought to not melt away from the boredom. The meeting carried on without either of their engagement or input, signalling to Chelsea they had no real reason to be present other than optics, which frustrated them even more. Couldn’t the board have sent an email with all the pertinent details? Surely they knew by now that they didn’t care for the day to day minutia of managing the company.
To make matters worse, they wanted them to sit perfectly still and at attention in that chair despite the fact that they had no control over the direction of their many meetings or conversations. They could have been replaced with a statue for all they cared.
Not much would have changed.
In an effort to keep themself awake and avoid a monotone, drawn out scolding, Chelsea occupied their mind with thoughts of more enjoyable times; vacationing with friends, partying, past flings … demolishing that amusement park.
Their nose pricked to life with that one. Memories of all those devilishly ticklish flowers were still so fresh their nose couldn’t help but start to itch. Badly.
Chelsea’s nose twinged in anticipation, a sudden gasp spilled out of their slowly parting lips, their eyes fluttered and twitched sporadically, all signs of an impending explosion that went unnoticed by the board members and their assistant.
In their own way, Chelsea had given their warning, and a lack of preparation on the part of the other occupants of the boardroom had no bearing on the fact that they were about to blow.
They erupted, barreling forward and launching the meeting table through the pristine windows of their highrise, sending it careening through the sky.
Bits of glass tinkled softly towards the floor, suddenly finding itself unsupported. Victoria blinked in amazement; her tablet, pen and notes thankfully held in hand, hovering in the air above what was once a table. Her eyes flicked in disbelief towards her boss; did they seriously set themself off out of boredom? The board members sat quietly in their seats, shock robbing them of the ability to speak.
Sniffling, Chelsea pointedly ignored the stares from the board members and their PA. Their nose felt like disturbed hive, buzzing and stinging all along its interior. It twitched and flushed around the itch, demanding another cleansing blast and Chelsea was all too happy to oblige.
They hitched and hitched, disregarding the panicked glances of the board members.
How big would this one be? Enough to blast the old fogeys the next county over, no doubt; but would the building survive?
The idea of collapsing their own sky tower with nothing but a sneeze got them hot under the collar and drove Chelsea’s nose into overdrive. Their hitches grew deeper, more urgent, more aggressive as the urge spiralled beyond their already miniscule attempts at control.
Just as they were about to cut loose, a firm command cut through the din of their huffing and puffing.
“Mx. Flores, please, control yourself.” Victoria ordered calmly.
It was a warning, get themself under wraps or she would. But they were so close! One more hitch and they’d send everything flying; just one more —
Punch-drunk and heady from their build-up, Chelsea chanced one final preparatory hitch before they’d unleash the maelstrom they had cultivated.
However, it simply wasn't to be. Even as the board members trembled before them, nose held high, and chest full to bursting, Chelsea could not sneeze.
“HHHHIIIIIDDDZZZHIIIIHH’HHHAAAAAAAHHHH—!!!
HHhh!? Haaaa—”
Victoria rolled her eyes at her boss’ lack of discipline. They blinked rapidly, tears prickling at their eyes as they looked down at her.
True to her prior warning, Victoria got the impending explosion under her control since Chelsea proved unable; deploying her fabled magic finger under their nose to make it relent in its pursuit of destruction.
As Chelsea hitched uselessly against her finger, Victoria pressed her free hand to an earpiece to place an order with the custodial staff.
“Yes good morning, please bring a new meeting table to boardroom A.”
Within moments a brand new solid oak table was hauled into the board room. Victoria had been particularly pleased when the custodians replaced the shattered window without prompting. They didn't stay long though, upon witnessing the scene they walked in on the custodians practically fled once the table had been replaced and the glass reinstalled. A sneezy Chelsea Flores heralded doom for anything in their blast zone, regardless of any containment measures put in place. Victoria paid them no mind as her boss continued to gasp helplessly against her finger; as long as she held firm, the boardroom — and the building, would continue to remain intact.
“Proceed, gentlemen.”
It took a moment for the board to regain their confidence and attempt to drum back up the prior momentum of the meeting, but between Chelsea’s impatient gasps and urgently itchy expressions they lost their steam just as quickly. Even with Victoria’s aid in holding back the oncoming storm, Chelsea’s message had been clear enough: they’d be more than happy to bring the building down around their ears if the meeting continued any further.
“I think we’ll wrap up for the day and try again when Mx. Flores is a bit more… collected.” said one of the braver board members as they gathered what little materials they had left and filed out of the meeting room. The hurried footsteps down the hall told them both Chelsea had succeeded in scaring them off for the day. Victorious, a faltering grin appeared on their face, the building sneeze holding back a more resounding celebration.
Victoria sighed. Sending an admonishing glare Chelsea’s way she wondered aloud, “Shall we stay like this a while longer? Delay your satisfaction even more?”
They snuffled against her finger pathetically, their nares ticking and flaring all the while. She wouldn’t make the mistake of assuming they learned their lesson this time.
“I- eiihhh! I—, I’m g-ghhHHh-!onna blow!” they panted.
“Ah! So it’s a big one, hm?” Victoria hummed. Chelsea managed to nod, barely, but desperately in reply. To this Victoria clicked her tongue; she wouldn’t let them off so easily.
“Well. Then I certainly can’t allow you to let that one go just yet,” she teased, “Think of all the people in this building! They’ll need to head to safety first.”
At her words, Chelsea snorted and broke away from Victoria’s finger.
Chelsea hitched ominously, each breath pulling the board room into further disorder as they backed themself against a wall. The walls and ceiling warped and caved further and further in with each vacuum-esque gasp. Unimpressed, Victoria followed Chelsea to their corner and clamped her hands down over her boss’ nose and mouth.
“Ah ah ah! No. Even if you can’t be patient enough to last through a meeting, you will wait until everyone is a safe distance away.” She ordered.
Adjusting her grip, she pinched down on the tender flesh that was Chelsea’s nose. It bucked and fought in her grasp, but was ultimately unable to break free.
Gingerly, Victoria pulled her boss towards the meeting table. There lay her tablet, which housed the ‘EVAC’ button; an official, ‘They’re gonna blow, evacuate the area,’ alarm at Victoria’s disposal. Leaning over the table, while keeping a firm grasp on her boss’s nose Victoria opened the menu and hit the EVAC button. Sirens blared throughout the skytower as people rushed to their nearest evacuation pods. After only a few minutes status updates began to roll in, pinging across the tablet to signify everyone had made it to safety. Perhaps the custodians that brought the table warned the others and gave them a head start? No matter; unable to delay any longer, Victoria activated her own safety device, grabbed her tablet and let go of Chelsea's nose.
For only a moment, there was a brief respite from the chaos they had threatened. Chelsea stood motionless, nose trembling, hands hovering uselessly in the air.
It took a moment for their nose to realize it had been freed of Victoria’s iron grip. Once it had, all hell broke loose.
The sneeze they'd held back for so long came roaring out of Chelsea. Every hitch and breath they had drawn rushed out of them in full force, throwing the boardroom into chaos once more.
“DDDDDJJJTTTTZZZZSSSSSSS—”
Force and pressure from the blast tore through the room, sending the newer table flying through the newly fixed window, along with all of the chairs. It was a veritable storm surge of wind, powerful enough to crumple the filing cabinets and turn the documents therein into confetti. The back draft of Chelsea’s cyclone of a sneeze blasted the interior walls of the entire floor apart, crumpling the drywall like cardboard.
Chelsea had gone off like a bomb, detonating so violently the entire building shook from the sheer force. Meter thick metal rods shot up to keep the skytower from crumpling under the sudden uneven distribution of weight as the blast reduced the exterior walls to rubble.
They stood amongst the debris, panting, dazed, sniffly and momentarily satisfied.
Once certain she wouldn't be blown away, Victoria deactivated her shielding and returned to her boss’ side, handkerchief in hand.
“Oh my, it seems I’ve made quite the mess!” They said with faux concern.
“Blow,” she commanded as she held the cloth to Chelsea’s nose. They rolled their eyes but complied all the same, blowing into the handkerchief so fiercely that what little remained of the walls began to tremble.
When what was left of the itch had truly passed, Chelsea sighed in relief. They made a show of looking around at the destruction they had wrought with a pleased smile.
“It seems you have,” Victoria concurred.
“Of course, Mx. Flores.”
“Well, we certainly can’t get back to work in these conditions!” they said, almost cheerfully as a ceiling light clattered to the floor.
Chelsea clapped their hands together and turned towards their assistant, satisfaction radiating from them.
“ Victoria, be a dear and send something out to everyone; let them know they’ll be off until the constructi-bits can repair the building, with full pay of course.”
As they prepared to leave Chelsea paused momentarily and squinted into the distance. They laid a hand on Victoria’s shoulder to get her attention.
“One more thing, Tori-dear?”
“Yes, Mx. Flores?” She took note of their breathing and posture and knew immediately what her next task would be.
“Find the nearest safe-zone in this area; I can feel a fit coming on. It's gonna be b-big! ”
This is a bit of a prequel to The Dragon and His Bride, featuring Emery - an old colleague and rival of Florian's. In which Emery must contend with a sneezing fit from his colleague as he tries to get some tidying up done.
Shenanigans ensue.
1.9k words
Do not reblog to non kink blogs .
A booming roar, not unlike thunder, crashed overhead. The force behind it sufficient to shake the rafters and rain copious amounts of dust down from the ceiling. Emery shielded his eyes, staring incredulously at the ceiling. What sort of mischief had Florian gotten himself into now?
The wizard’s apprentice steeled his nerves as he ascended the tower’s many stairs; muttering curses to himself all the while. His colleague's magic ruled him and went wild at the slightest prompting. Emery could sense that once he found Florian there’d be a massive mess for him to resolve.
He peered into one of the tower’s many shifting rooms finding Florian leaning against a bookshelf, nose twitching, eyes fluttering, chest heaving.
Instantly Emery snapped into action, raising his wand and muttering a quick chant as fragile tendrils of magic surrounded Florian, weaving themselves into durable matrices as Florian silently panted towards a terrible release. The spell was new, designed to capture kinetic energy and transform it into latent magical energy for later use. It demanded every ounce of focus that Emery had to give. Focus he could hardly provide as he tried not to quail before the cannon his colleague called a nose.
He had to do this.
Florian's wild magic was a force that needed to be tamed, and Emery would be the one to tame it. It was Emery’s magic that would dictate whether or not they’d have a place to sleep that night. It was Emery’s magic that would prove his continued worth to their master and their king; but for now, his magic was the only thing that stood between him and a future of making a bed in the trees.
As Florian heaved one final titanic gasp, Emery solidified the spell bindings, casting the room in a radiant golden glow for a split second before—
The spell mercifully held, dispersing the force of the sneeze amongst its many threads and thrumming with its power. The webbed matrix had the added benefit of keeping everything in place, a feat Emery would have been proud of, if not for the renewed hitching on the other side of the room. Eyes widening, the spell dissipated and without thinking Emery hurled himself towards his colleague, jamming his finger beneath Florian’s nose.
“Oh-ho no you don’t! You’ve had one already!”
Frustrated, watery eyes met his determined ones.
“IIIIHHHHHH—It! It ti-iiIIhhHHH!! Ti-iiiIIIIHHHH'HHiiIIIIIHHHHhh!!! Tickles! hhHhaAAAHHHHHH!!!
HHHHAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!”
“That’s no excuse!” Emery hissed. “Where’s your handkerchief?”
He squirmed, fighting his grip but unable to get free. Of the two of them, Florian had always been more physically adept, having previously trained among the king's men until an unfortunate incident with the local stables and hay saw him transfered to study under the local wizard. Compared to him, Emery was frail little twig who had no chance of escape and they both knew it.
Trapped in his iron grip, Emery fidgeted as Florian continued to hitch and gasp into his chest.
He stood to gain a lot of reserve mana from allowing Florian to unleash his fit into his chest, and their master had made especially sure that he’d be able to withstand it, but Emery simply couldn’t stand the indignity of such a thing.
Then something else clicked; Emery realizing he had been covered in dust just moments prior.
Panic suddenly seized his chest, if he couldn’t get free they'd really be in for it.
Emery winced as the wizard-crafted magic lattice that surrounded his body absorbed the impact of the release, extracting the mana and distributing the force. Both their bodies shuddering with the intense force of the fit. Florian dropped him unceremoniously, eyes twitching, hands held stagnant and useless in the air.
Emery yelped as he hit the floor. Peeved he had been used as a handkerchief, and as though he didn’t currently have bigger fish to fry, launched into a tirade.
“Ha! I tried to warn you, you brute! I'm covered in dust while from tidying up the storage room!! Serves you righ—!” Emery paused his scolding. He was close enough to see Florian’s nose darken from a delicate pink to a furious red. The appendage twitched and twinged with vindictive purpose, as though it were angry it had been allowed to come into contact with Emery’s dusty clothes.
“Florian?”
Florian’s face tightened into a grimace as the inner workings of his nose launched a whole new affront.
Emery could envision every nerve within the appendage pulsing with the itch. Florian stood frozen in place, overcome by the intensity of the tickle. “aaaAAAHHhh– hhhHHHAAAHHhh— HHHHHHaaAAAAAAAAHHHHH?!” Florian hitched.
He looked as though he could detonate at any moment; like his nose had been stuffed to capacity with barrels of gunpowder and the fuses lit. Florian’s inevitable explosion would be far more destructive, though.
The approaching sneeze would be far too big for the tower to contain, even with the aid of magic. He needed a solution, and quickly. As Florian’s chest swelled more and more with every hitch, Emery steadily retreated. Unable to stand, and worse yet unable to think, legs having turned to jelly as he stared down the proverbial barrel of Florian’s nasal cannon, he backed himself into a corner. Jostling one of the many bookshelves that lined the walls, a potential solution fell into Emery’s lap.
An empty translucent bottle stopped up with a cork, one of their master’s ‘vessels of sealing’. Emery smirked to himself, pointed the spout of the bottle at Florian and removed the cork. An almighty vacuum swept through the room, capturing Florian and trapping him within.
Emery hastily recorked the bottle, set it down and retreated several paces. Back pressed against the wall, he watched the bottle carefully.
The cork exploded out of the bottle, ricocheting off the ceiling and walls. Emery's heart leapt to his throat, startled, as he dodged the projectile, his eyes darting to Florian’s itchy form in place of it.
His wand laid just within reach as his fellow apprentice worked his way up to what would be a destructive finale. Grabbing it, Emery threw his hands out without thinking and screwed his eyes shut in anticipation of the explosion of wind and sound to follow, hoping a shield would protect him from the worst of it.
However, no sneeze came.
When Emery realized the room had fallen silent, he carefully opened an eye to find it empty. Florian had disappeared. He had unknowingly cast a spell, transporting Florian into the forests below.
Standing from his vulnerable position, Emery held his breath, unsure of whether or not to consider this a triumph or be concerned.
His fears were immediately put to rest as an enormous sneeze shook the forest.
Emery gripped a shelf for balance as the tower trembled around him. When all had settled and Emery looked about the room. Books strewn about the floor, magical implements knocked off their center, the shimmering dust of broken glass of the vessel. Emery could only sigh and pick up a broom. It’d seem he'd indeed have to clean up another mess after all.
In which an obstacle prepares to gum up the works for our lovely pair. Our dear dragon realizes communication is important in a relationship, but does not verbalize this conclusion to his bride. He'll get there soon.
Previous Chapters
The Dragon and His Bride (3/?)
The Dragon and His Bride (2/?)
The Dragon and His Bride (1/?)
2.3k words
Do not reblog to non kink blogs.
In an old King's palace, hidden from the view of prying eyes, a dramatic scene unfolds beyond the control of those unfortunate enough to participate in it. A small, sprightly king had started to pace himself into the stone floors of his meeting room, awaiting news of the dragon hunt. This was a private affair, and so in lieu of guards and retainers, he had elected to only have his two most trusted wizards bear witness at this trying time.
Of the pair, the elder, Ursa Clearview, regarded him with a pitiless stare.
“I told you, you wouldn’t like the outcome. But did you listen to me? Nooo.” she preemptively snipped in frustration.
“Oh master, it's only appropriate that his Royal Majesty makes the choice that places the least amount of people in danger!” The younger of the two wizards, Emery Mountebank, leapt to their king’s defense.
“It’s Florian’s own fault for meandering on his return home. I’m sure he’s perfectly fine and is just being a brat about the situation.” Emery snarked. He had been quite pleased by the sorcerer’s disappearance, especially for what it had done to raise his status at court.
“And you would know a thing or two about being a brat, wouldn’t you, dear?”
“Hey—!”
“That's enough!” The King declared, putting an end to the bickering before it truly began in earnest. “What I need to know is whether or not that child succeeded in his mission. Beldame Clearview, are you able to see such a thing?”
“Your men will tell you as much in a few moments, but yes, the hunt was a resounding success.” Ursa foretold moments before a gentle knock sounded at the door.
Knights in gleaming armor poured in at the king’s command, each taking a knee out of respect for him and his company.
“What news have you brought me?” The King asked in hushed tones.
“I’m not sure what that sorcerer of yours did, Your Majesty, but not a single dragon remains in the Wyvern Wilds.” The leading knight breathed with an air of astonishment.
The King and Emery’s eyes widened in shock at the news, as Ursa simply reclined in her chair at the confirmation of what she already knew.
“We searched every cave, cavern and hideaway we could think of, but they’ve all practically vanished into thin air!” The knight continued.
The king shambled forwards in disbelief, grabbing the leading Knight's pauldrons as he shook with glee.
“And what of Argos the Terrible? The Drake King?” He asked, hoping against hope for the same wonderful news.
“Gone, sire, not a trace left of him. His mountain den is practically blasted to pieces. The very peak of the mountain is gone.”
The king leapt for joy, stopping just short of dancing before his knightly retinue.
“Leave us, my advisors and I have much to discuss.” He said solemnly. At their leige's command the knights took a stand and left. As the last of the knights shuffled out of the meeting room, the King turned to his wizards with a massive grin.
“Take that you bitter old crone! As you can see, I’m quite pleased by this outcome! That wretched creature and its underlings are finally vanquished for good!” The king leapt and spun and danced in his glee, unseeing of his wizards’ soured expressions.
Emery slumped down in disbelief. How could Florian have done it? It simply wasn't possible for one person to clear out a plague of dragons and live without facing any consequences. He should have been the one the king was making a fool of himself to celebrate, not him!
Ursa on the other hand bided her time until the King became exhausted with his miniature celebration, patiently tapping her bony fingers along her arm.
“Now,” the king panted, “when is he coming back?”
“He isn’t.” came Ursa’s swift reply.
Emery perked up as the King recoiled from disappointment.
“What do you mean? We have celebrations to plan! That young lad is a hero, surely he knows that?” The king tried to reason, to which he met the lady-wizard’s wagging finger.
“I’m sure he does. But consider: if you had been unjustly imprisoned in an arcane focus for years, and upon your release immediately dolled up to trick and conquer an ancient dragon of all things by yourself, I’m sure you’d want nothing to do with the people who sent you to do it either.” Ursa declared pointedly.
The king balked as she continued.
“Having taught Florian and being familiar with his personality, I’m quite confident he will have taken measures to strike out on his own and leave this kingdom behind; if not, swear his allegiance to a king who has the appropriate respect for the immense power he wields.”
“No! I can’t lose someone that valuable to another kingdom!” The King panicked, “Ursa! Why didn't you warn–!”
He elected to not finish his complaint as the lady-wizard shot him a wicked glare. The king swiftly pivoted to avoid incurring the wrath of his clairvoyant, opting instead to delude himself into believing the situation could be salvaged.
“Well, he can’t have gotten far, it's only been a month!” The king told himself. Emery, who had been blindly nodding along until then, froze in shock when he heard the king’s next utterance.
“Sir Mountebank, it will be your duty to find and return this ‘Florian’ to court, posthaste. Inform him his liege demands his presence so that celebrations of his victory over the draconic menace may commence.”
Emery imagined that had he been writing as the king gave his command, his pen might have shattered in his grasp with how tightly he clenched his fist. Having to search for that miscreant was one thing, but having to coax him into returning to court was another layer of demeaning.
It took everything Argos had in him not to leap into the air with how sudden Florian’s eruption had been; though his surprised yelp did earn him a mildly annoyed side-glance from his bride.They were thankfully already outside when it happened and the sneeze was markedly small compared to prior releases, but Argos was beginning to find it concerning how frequently his bride now needed to sneeze.
The portal remained a constant fixture in their room though its continued presence wreaked havoc on his bride’s sinuses. Florian justified its continued presence by claiming it allowed him to ‘clear his nose’ more frequently, but Argos felt there was another reason he had elected not to disclose. The pair strolled through what remained of the forest after his bride’s massive fit the day prior, unfettered and in no particular direction. At least they were until something caught Argos’ eye. The morning sun glimmered irresistibly off of something in the distance. Argos, powerless to resist, dropped his bride’s hand and pursued the item of interest.
“Where are you going?” His bride called after him as he gambolled towards the shining object. The desire to acquire something bright and new momentarily overpowered his desire to keep to his bride's good graces. Argos ignored Florian’s calls, and instead knelt in the grass to pluck the gleaming piece of metal from the ground.
It was an exquisite piece of metalwork. Gilded, but not golden all the way through based on its weight and heft. Perhaps a medallion of some kind? Argos had been perfectly content to sit in the grass and study his new find until the shadow of his lovely bride began to steadily loom over his crouched form.
“Argos…” Florian spoke his name in a low, warning tone, “did you ignore me in favour of a bit of scrap metal? Am I reading this situation correctly?”
“Not at all!” He lied, pretending to be scandalized. Though his bride was not inaccurate, there just was no way he could look Florian in the eye and admit to such a thing. An icy chill ran down his spine just thinking about it.
“This medallion here looks to be of some importance! Perhaps we could repurpose it as a gift for the lord, or…”
Words failed him as he made the mistake of looking up at his bride’s disapproving gaze. He could practically see his bride’s nares ticking slightly with irritation as he tried to scramble his way out of his faux-pas.
“I’ve half a mind to blast you through to the borderlands, and with how badly my nose itches I just might.” Florian muttered,“Show me what was so important you just had to run off for it.”
Argos quietly raised the medallion with a quiet prayer that it had some form of agreed upon value between them. A prayer that appeared to have been answered, as his bride let a gasp escape that did not affect the local flora around them.
“It can’t be…” Florian breathed, astonished.
“Is something wrong?” Argos asked. It was the first time he had ever heard his bride react in such a way.
Florian had all but snatched the medallion out of Argos' grasp. His bride fell silent, staring so intently at the bit of metal the Drake King could only wonder what had gotten into him. All signs of prior allergic irritation vanished as Florian studied his findings.
It was a curious sight, seeing his bride’s expressions flicker as he contemplated the medallion.
If Florian stared any harder at the crest, it might have begun to melt under his gaze. After a moment, his bride let out a resigned sigh and returned the medallion.
“Are you… are you still annoyed with me?” Argos asked cautiously.
“No.” his bride replied after a long pause, “Just don't make a habit of running off. It was quite fortunate that it worked out well for you this time.”
Argos elected to overlook Florian’s snide remark, instead deciding to pivot to another topic. Something felt wrong, both with his bride and the woods they were in and he wanted nothing more than to just leave.
“Can we go back to the room now? It’ll soon be time for us to meet the lord of this village, no?” Argos asked.
“That isn't for another few hours.” Florian waved dismissively, turning to move further into the forest.
“Besides,” he continued, “there’s something about these woods that’s been bothering me lately, and I need to find out what it is.”
Argos buried his face in his hands and groaned. Why was his bride so cagey? Two could play that game.
“You’ve yet to provide a reason as to why I need to be here.” Argos snipped.
“To keep you out of trouble.” Florian replied easily, “Why would I let you fend for yourself in the village when you have no real experience speaking to normal people?”
A scandalized scoff leapt out of Argos' mouth before he could stop himself, capturing his bride’s undivided attention. While this was true, and he’d honestly rather not interact with the common folk of Patchborough lest he say something that would land him into hot water, the assertion that his bride was the sole barrier to him getting in trouble in town irked Argos immensely.
“I seemed to do just fine without your help when I had to speak to the townguard!” Argos bristled.
Rather than continuing to glance at Argos over his shoulder, Florian took a moment to pause before about-facing with a flourish to look at his disgruntled husband.
“And yet I could sense the anxiety rolling off you in waves as you did.” His bride pushed back.
“I was not anxious!” Argos declared emphatically.
Florian raised an eyebrow in his skepticism, riling up the erstwhile Drake King even more.
“Even if I was, don’t you think I might have been more concerned you were about to blow us off the map?!”
“Well milord, I apologize for not being able to restrain myself,” Florian said sarcastically, “if only I were in a position to —”
His acerbic comment was interrupted by a slight twitch of the nose. Argos crossed his arms as he watched his bride’s face crumple into a sneezy grimace.
“T-to —!! …to!!!”
Just as he was about to relent and reach out to pull Florian into his embrace his bride erupted without warning.
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHDDDTTTTZZZZZZZSSSSSSSSCCCCCHHH—!!!”
Stumbling back from the violent rush of wind, Argos threw his hands up to brace against the force of the release. It boggled the mind to fathom just how big his bride's sneezes could get; even in his true form he’d been buffeted by storms less fierce.
The moment he lost his footing, Argos found himself lying lengthwise across his bed in the inn instead of sprawled across the forest floor, or flying through the air.
He sat up, knowing his bride’s magic was the culprit responsible for his sudden transportation. Argos was about to take a stand and go find his bride to reassert his claims when the tremors hit the town. For a few brief moments, the town of Patchesborough lurched and trembled underfoot, rattling buildings and their occupants mercilessly. Tumbling out of the bed, unprepared for the sudden quake, Argos muttered curses as he collected himself on the floor when suddenly an idea struck him.
The Drake King would prove that he was more than capable of holding a conversation with the average person. Did this have any benefit to him personally? No, not at all. But he'd be damned if he passed up an easy opportunity to prove his bride wrong.
The tremors intensified briefly; almost as if to warn him that this was a terrible idea. However, not to be deterred, Argos waited out the trembling before rising to his feet and confidently making his way to the tavern downstairs.
"accidentally" tipping over the pepper container with the tiny inside and watching them curse and scramble to retake their footing as loose pepper falls all over them. begging between wrenching sneezes for me to open the lid so they can get even a single breath of fresh air without inhaling more pepper dust.
monster character with a cold and a destructive snz having their human find them a place they can safely let loose and then induce them to the point of exhaustion just so they can be absolutely sure their nose is as satisfied as possible before they return to civilization
summary: Ateya returns to the library, eager to uncover its secrets. She uncovers something about its stone guardian instead...
3.5k words, Rated PG, no CWs. Gargoyle!sneeze, Trying not to sneeze, cold sneezes, NB sneezing
pt i
pt ii
Ateya found it hard to sleep that night. It should have been no surprise. The evening's events had quite literally been the most interesting thing that had ever happened to her in her entire life, and she found herself tossing and turning in her bed as she replayed them in her mind again and again. The library with its forbidden rooms, its cryptic curator and actual, living gargoyle... it was all so fantastical and strange. It was a little frightening. It was very exciting.
Ateya returned to the library the very next night, after a full day of being completely mentally checked out at her job, attending her tasks automatically and daydreaming as a light rainstorm pattered against her office window. This time she walked straight up the front steps and knocked on the library's large wooden doors. Taking a few steps back while she waited, she craned her neck to see if she could still see that gargoyle perched over the point of the building like she could during the day, but he was nowhere in sight. He must have already been inside, getting to work on the reorganizing.
She looked down again when the door opened, greeted by the sight of Leonidas himself standing in the doorway.
“Ateya, I didn't expect you back so soon,” he said. “You haven't come at the best time... Ava won't be available for recataloguing today, I'm afraid. You may wish to try back later in the week.”
Her brow furrowed, and she crossed her arms.
“Why not?” she asked.
“They simply aren't available. If there's nothing else I can do for you, it is after hours,” Leonidas repeated, seemingly impatient to get her out of his hair and off his doorstep.
“Is this a trick?” Ateya accused. “You set our deal so that I can only visit when your gargoyle's here and then have them mysteriously unavailable when I knock?”
Leonidas pinched between his eyes in exasperation.
“No, what would the point of that be? They're simply occupied with other things. It may take the week for them to– Well, to be available for our reshelving project. That's all,” he said.
Ateya stood, arms crossed, not sure she was buying it.
“Okay,” she said. “Alright. Well if they're not here—”
“That isn't what I said, I said they're otherwise occupied,” Leonidas corrected.
“Doing what, exactly?” Ateya asked. It didn't seem there could be too many pressing library tasks for a gargoyle to engage in, at least nothing she couldn't probably tag along for, too.
“That isn't any of your concern,” Leonidas snipped, “They should be available again in at least a week's time. Check. back. then.”
He was hiding something. Clearly.
Frustrated, Ateya turned to go without saying another word. She considered breaking and entering again, but she didn't want to break their deal if it wasn't a trick. That was always an option for later if that was the case.
She was back three days later.
This time when Leonidas opened the door he was already exasperated with her.
“In case your comprehension of timescales has faltered, I might remind you that a week is generally longer than three days,” he said, not even greeting her.
“What can I say, I'm eager to get to work,” she sassed back. “Is Ava available now, or are they still otherwise occupied?”
Leonidas snorted, pinching between his eyes again.
“You're making me regret agreeing to this in the first place,” he said.
There was the soft noise of fluttering bat wings from just behind the doorframe, and then the sound of a familiar deep, resonating voice.
“It's fine, I'm ready to get back to work,” Ava said.
Leonidas sniffed and swallowed, lowering his hand and blinking up at them with surprise.
“Are you sure? It hasn't been clear for long. Are you still...?” he trailed off here, implying at something he obviously didn't want Ateya knowing about.
There was an affirmative grunt.
“I'll be fine,” they said.
“See? They're fine!” Ateya encouraged, completely without wanting or needing context. Anything to get back into this weird little bubble and poke around.
If her life had felt boring before, in the days that had passed since her last visit here it had felt painfully mundane. She'd gotten a taste of the strange and secretive and now she could not, would not go back.
Leonidas spent a few moments more gazing up at Ava appraisingly, then sighed and relented, stepping aside to let Ateya through.
“Do not make me regret this,” he said, making direct eye contact with Ava before walking away towards the back hall. “You'll know where to find me if I'm needed.”
Ava nodded, giving another acknowledging grunt.
“So where've you been?” Ateya asked, as soon as their boss was out of earshot. Ava gave a long, snuffling snort and cleared their throat before responding.
“I've been here,” they said. Then, moving along quickly to the task at hand, “We'll be starting on the fifth floor today. How are you with heights?”
Ateya cocked her head to the side.
“Fine, why?” she asked. “Is the fifth level over an open pit or something?”
Ava snorted, this time in what Ateya realized was a firmly suppressed laugh.
“No,” they said. “I just thought it would be quicker to fly. I don't usually take the stairs.”
“To... fly? You want to fly me to the fifth floor?” Ateya asked, as intrigued as she was taken by surprise at the notion.
“Is that not acceptable to your sensibilities?” Ava asked.
Oh. Surprisingly eloquent.
“My–? No, it's fine, I just? How are you going to get me up there?” Ateya asked, wondering at the idea. “Do I like, ride on your shoulders, or...?”
The gargoyle shook their head.
“That would be... inadvisable,” they said, extending their wings and slowly flapping to demonstrate why.
It was clear to see, there was simply no room on their back or shoulders for a person to safely ride. She would either be pinning their wings or, more likely, being thrown or buffeted by them. Probably both.
“I would carry you to the fifth floor and set you down when we arrived,” they explained.
“Oh,” Ateya said. She somehow hadn't been expecting that. Her stomach did a flip considering it.
Ava was large enough and strong enough that they could easily crush her if they wanted to...
...but if they'd wanted to crush her, they would have done it already, wouldn't they?
A wave of excitement rode in on the heels of her fear, the feeling always quick to take the reins from her nerves.
“Alright,” she said, breaking into a grin. “Okay, yeah, let's go.”
She uncrossed her arms and approached, a little hesitant and unsure of herself.
“So how do you...?” she started to ask, before Ava simply swept the legs out from under her and caught her easily in a bridal style hold.
It was like she weighed nothing to them.
Their hold on her was surprisingly comfortable. Though they were made of stone, their arms and chest were somehow not as hard and unforgiving as it might have seemed. There was some give, some yield to them that felt almost natural. They were coarse in texture, but not painfully so. The combined sensation almost reminded Ateya of the rough pawpad of a very large dog.
“Keep your legs and your head close to me,” they advised, shifting her slightly in their hold to make this easier to comply with.
They were also kind of cold. They almost felt damp. Not to the touch, but in a chilled sort of way, the feeling emanating from them only once she'd been held to them long enough to get settled in.
“Okay,” Ateya said, gazing up at them.
They snuffled and looked up from where they'd been looking down at her, their nose giving a twitch that looked startlingly delicate close up, and then they spread their large wings, readying for flight. Ateya did as she was told and curled inwards as much as she could, raising her knees and tucking her head against Ava's chest as they lifted into the air.
The flight was incredible.
Ava soared through corridors and up flights of stairs with a grace and swiftness that felt as though they were one with the air itself. They rounded corners with a pinpoint precision that made apparent the need to stay close to their form. It was the smoothest and the fastest Ateya had ever been ferried anywhere, and the exhilaration and beauty of the experience practically stole the breath from her lungs.
When they arrived on the fifth floor less than a minute later, Ava set her down carefully, leaving one large hand at her back until her legs were steady underneath her again.
If rooms on the second floor were near to full, the rooms on the fifth floor were barren. Empty shelves peeked out from every archway. Instead, the floors were littered with cardboard boxes, each full of books waiting to be reshelved, and unlike the second floor, there was no catwalk or overhang; it was a solid level that stretched the span of the building. The center was occupied only by further rooms, making for more than double the amount of shelf space to fill.
Ava snuffled again, scrubbing a wrist at their nose now that their hands were free, before clearing their throat and carrying on with the agenda for the evening.
“We've been reshelving everything Leo owns according to the classification system you saw three floors below,” they said. “The work will be easier once we reach higher levels and have fewer books left to organize. For now, all the books that aren't about religion and spirituality have been moved to other floors, and everything about those subjects has been moved here.”
Ava continued speaking as they led Ateya to one of the level's many rooms to get started.
“Everything's been sorted into boxes, to make the work easier -snghkt!- and the boxes have been sorted by room. We only need to reshelve them by subsection,” they said.
Ateya nodded, and set to work.
It was like it was before. Ava would give simple direction over which shelves housed which topic, and they would work together quietly, passing books to each other as necessary to empty the boxes and fill the shelves, with Ateya taking the low shelves so that Ava wouldn't have to look down so much, and Ava taking the high shelves that Ateya couldn't easily reach.
The books themselves were interesting. The room they'd started on was one for Wyytzenlen polytheism, mythology, and religious history. Ateya wasn't usually one for religious studies, but certain titles continued to pique her interest; books on how Wyytzenlen religion and cultural practices had changed with the ages, or books on how new traditions had been absorbed or had replaced old ones through cultural exchange between Wyytzenlendy and other countries.
Ava didn't seem to mind it that Ateya kept pausing in their work to skim through a text here and flip through some pages there, even if it did affect her speed. They didn't seem in a rush.
As the hours passed, what they did seem was increasingly uncomfortable. Their occasional quiet snorting and sniffling had given way to heavier snorts and snuffles, and they'd started breathing mostly through their mouth in between. Every so often their wrist came up to scrub at the end of their snout.
Ateya looked up from a book of Wyytzenlen religious symbology that she'd been flipping through out of curiosity to find them in one such pose, their eyes squinted tightly shut as they scrubbed at their nose, snorting and snuffling needily as they nuzzled up and down at their wrist, nostrils flicking restlessly.
Another snort, wetter this time, and another close on its heels. There was a faint sound of water rushing and they tilted their head back immediately, their snorts and snuffles turning shaky and frantic.
“hhuffh– snghk'kht! h'hehh... sngrk!”
Ateya half expected them to start backing hastily from the room, until she realized there was no balcony on this level. There was nowhere for them to go.
“Oh. Shit,” she said.
She stared at them for another second before scanning the room for anything that could possibly help. A cardboard box wouldn't do much good, and there wasn't much else in here.
Ava's snorting was growing particularly hitchy and urgent, their tail lashing about restlessly.
Ateya's eyes finally fell on the wall opposite the aisle they were working in.
Windows.
The wall was lined with center-split gothic windows.
“Hold on big guy, don't panic,” she said, making a beeline for the nearest window and undoing the lock. She cranked the panes open as quickly as she could before rushing back to them.
Ava was shaking and shuddering by now, they looked on the very verge of breaking. Eyes squinted shut, their nostrils leaking on every other snort despite keeping their head tilted back, panting and trembling as they struggled to fight off their own reflexes.
“Come on, I've got a window open,” Ateya urged, putting a hand at their arm to guide them across the room.
Their breaths grew hiccuppy and choked as they finally reached the window, their snout streaming even before—
“HAUUUH'SHEUGH!!”
—they sneezed violently out into the street, water jetting into the alley below. They shivered, their breath seizing desperately into a tremendous gasp.
“hhHHHHHHHUHh!! H'YAAAUUSHH-SHIEUUWWGH!!”
Another sneeze gripped them, more desperate than any Ateya had seen before possibly in her entire life, and it sent a flood of water out over the side of the building.
Ava sagged heavily against the window sill, wings and tail drooping bonelessly behind them as they snorted and snuffled to catch their breath.
“Thank you,” they breathed. They snorted again. “Leo would have been beside himself if I'd huhh- hHUH–! hEUGHSSHuewh!! snghrkt! huhff... If I'd gotten his books wet. -sngrht!-”
Ateya gave his shoulder a consoling little pat pat as he hung half out the window, catching his breath.
“We can leave this open, if you think it will help,” she offered.
Ava snorted again, and gave their head a shake. They scrubbed a wrist across their snout and heavily stood up.
“No, the damp isn't good for the books,” they said, snuffling and cranking the window shut again tight and locking it.
“Well what do you usually do?” Ateya asked, mildly perturbed by the situation.
Ava snorted.
“Leonidas doesn't usually let me do any work if I'm under the weather,” they said. Ateya's eyes went wide.
“Oh! Oh you're sick?” she said. That explained so much. She'd thought they were just a snuffly sort of creature, with the snout and all...
Ava nodded, crossing their arms and leaning back on the windowsill.
“The damp doesn't do me very much good, either, -snfhk!-” they admitted.
“Is that what it is?” Ateya asked, all sympathy. “I thought you felt damp... Does it make you ill? Why didn't you say anything?”
“Only with a cold,” they said, snuffling slightly. Their snout gave another soft twitch that didn't seem like it should've been possible given their composition.
“I didn't say anything in case someone decided to take advantage of my vulnerabilities,” they said, their tone pointed but almost playful.
Were they teasing her?
They snorted again before continuing more seriously.
“It doesn't do for security to get caught with a weakness,” they said.
Ateya shook her head, confused.
“So why are you telling all of this to me now?” she asked. Ava glanced down at her, not turning their head but with their eyes.
“You helped me,” they said.
A quiet pause fell between them while this sank in. Yeah, Ateya guessed she really had. God, how awful was this Leo guy to his gargoyle that they were so scared of upsetting him?
And how could he be? Ava was built like a brick shithouse—not even that, a stone shithouse—and at least twice his size! It didn't seem possible that they could be easily thrown around. Then again, Leonidas did seem deceptively strong...
Standing next to Ava now in companionable silence while they collected themself and caught their breath, Ateya considered the physicality of them. They did have some give... she wondered if they were more easily hurt than it would seem?
She lifted her hand from where it was crossed over her other arm and unceremoniously poked them hard in the triceps.
They hummed inquisitively in acknowledgement and glanced down at her expectantly.
“Nothing,” she said, shaking her head and hiding her hand behind her arm in lieu of holding it and making a face. It hurt. It definitely hurt. Her, not them.
There was give to them, sure, but it only felt like it went about an inch down. Or maybe that was just where they got too dense for it to matter.
They hummed, gave a nod, and let the unexplained poke go unaddressed.
“Do you feel okay to keep going, or should I go home?” Ateya asked then.
She was having a nice time just getting to be a part of this weird little world, but if her being there was the only thing keeping Ava uncomfortable she should probably leave.
“Leo had said to come back a few days from now. I'm just not very good at listening,” she added with a smirk.
Ava gave another snort of amusement, dabbing with their wrist at a droplet of water that escaped their snout when they did so.
“I'd noticed,” they said. Ateya flashed them her very best, most winningest innocent grin in response.
“I'd like to go on,” they said. “I've been in need of something to do.”
Poor guy... Bored and sick? Well that's no fun...
“Alright,” Ateya said, kicking off the wall to return to the shelves. “I'll get the window for you if you need it.”
Ava grunted in acknowledgement, and for the first time since meeting them, Ateya saw a hint of a smile peeking through their expression.
The rest of the evening went fairly smoothly.
As they reshelved the books together, Ateya continued to pause now and then to flip through something interesting, and sometimes she would comment on it to Ava. They did not offer much back, but seemed content to listen to what she found fascinating and give polite acknowledgement.
Ateya continued to get the low shelves and Ava continued to get the high ones. Every so often the work would be interrupted by Ava's snuffling and soliciting Ateya for help, at which point she would stop what she was doing, guide them to the nearest window, and open it so that they could let themself sneeze. It went a lot more smoothly with a plan in place.
Eventually, the hour drew impressively late, and Ateya stopped being able to make sense of the alphabet anymore.
“I think I'd better head home,” she said with a big yawn, after spending five minutes internally debating whether Johnson or Johnston should be shelved first.
Ava gave a nod, placing the book he was holding up onto its shelf and setting the rest down.
“I'll return you to the lobby,” they said. “Leonidas still wants you searched at the door.”
“What!? Come onnn,” Ateya complained.
“It was part of your deal,” Ava reminded her. Ateya whined.
“Fineee,” she said. Stupid deal.
Once more, Ava scoped her up effortlessly and flew her swiftly through the building. With her eyes closed in exhaustion it was a lot less of an adrenaline rush, and more of a sharp breeze with the vague sensation of motion for a handful of seconds.
When Ava set her down, she got sleepily to her feet, stumbled a little, and caught herself on their arm.
They hummed in concern.
“Will you be alright to get home?” they asked. Ateya nodded.
“I don't live far away,” she said.
She raised her arms, ready to get the search over with, and choked back her laughter as Ava pressed lightly over her ribs, her sides, and down each leg.
They gave her a nod.
“Free to go. -snfghkhh!-” they said.
She nodded, yawned, and went to open the door, which was still locked. She undid the lock. The door opened seemingly on its own, before she realized Ava was holding it for her.
“Oh. Thanks,” she said. Then, stepping out through it, “Goodnight, Ava. See you tomorrow.”
There was a small, grunting snort of acknowledgement in response as she made her way down the library steps and out onto the street below.
Summary: Luise's job as the Royal Stoker has less to do with keeping a boiler lit and more to do with managing the melodrama of a sneezy dragon
Contents: Sick dragon, fire sneezes, nose scratches, stuck sneeze, one instance of inducing, probably an annoying amount of worldbuilding lol
Bad, because it meant they'd been waiting for her. A theory proven by a faint tremor rumbling up through her ice caked boots, only just enough to clock if one were already on the alert.
That the servants door opened on her second knock was both good and bad news for Luise: good, because it meant she was quickly able to escape the bitter morning freeze that bit at her face and fingers, ushered quickly into a kitchen large enough to feed several hundred, and already warmed from hearth fires preparing to do just that.
The kitchen boy who'd opened the door for her was a new one, his face twisted in worry as he helped her untangle the bundles of her scarf, shawl, and thick coat. Luise's skin puckered with gooseflesh with the loss of trapped heat, but it did nothing to quell the warm smile she sent his way. "He's been in a bad way today, eh?"
The boy nodded, dark hair flopping over his eyes. Her friendliness loosened his tongue a mite. "...mam says it'll knock the whole castle in, way it carries on."
Gossiping cooks. Luise blew a dismissive raspberry with her tongue, the boy's head lifting in surprise at such an unexpected sound. "Bunk. He may act the grump, but he's nothing but a big pussycat, never mind your mum." She hung her winter clothes over a broad, bare shoulder, offering the boy a conspiratorial wink. "But I'll have a word with him, yeah? The castle won't come down this day if I have any say in it."
Luise snagged a steaming roll off a nearby platter before weaving her way through a throng of frantic cooks fretting over the day's first meal as though the worry were part of the routine. She offered waves of greeting to those she was friendly with, noting with humour the naked relief in their eyes. A level of composure settled over the kitchen at her presence, something she found flattering and ridiculous in equal parts; cooks were a fussy, superstitious lot, and their proximity to her coworker made them antsy. She wasnt even certain the way they conspicuously avoided coming within arms reach of the iron door between the massive stone fireplaces was intentional, or just within their nature. People tended to avoid predators, after all.
Luise rolled her eyes fondly at them as she pushed through the iron door and descended the narrow stone staircase beyond.
The descent was long, lit only by the occasional sconce, and she took the stairs two at a time, eagerly seeking the wafts of warm air brushing her bare arms. The temperature rose, beating back the winter with every step until she'd gone from chilled, to cozy, to glistening with a thin layer of sweat.
The bottom of the staircase widened, then opened into a massive stone room big enough for the entire village to hold a fete if King Doran had any inclination to let them. The ceiling stretched to blackness before Luise could begin to make out details, sounds echoing eerily as they bounced off stone and the elaborate weave of giant metal pipes that burst from seemingly every surface, twisting and rolling in their organized tangle to converge near the back of the room.
Once, her predecessor had told her, this room had been a dungeon demanded by a wicked king forgotten by history, built large enough to hold his many foes. Later, another king with far fewer foes ordered a famous architect and inventor to fit the space with an enormous boiler and giant pipes to bring heat to every corner of the sprawling castle during the cold seasons. As much as Luise figured, the theory had been sound, but the project was abandoned after calculating how many resources it would require to stoke a boiler so large, the cost of fuel to burn and the manpower to burn it too excessive for a king who had already spent much of the royal treasury on piping. For a long time the project sat useless and abandoned, until King Doran's grandfather struck a bargain with their current boiler.
At the back of the room, the stonework had been dismantled to create an opening larger than a house, a series of natural caves visible beyond. The idea had been to install the boiler in the gap between the two, using the cave passage to recieve fuel deliveries and vent dangerous pressure in case of emergency. As such, all the pipes hung close to this area, waiting patiently to be attached to a machine that would never exist, and in the midst of these pipes lay a massive red dragon.
He was an elegant thing, beautiful in his awesome power, with sinuous muscles that rolled at the base of his wings as he shifted position, and beneath his long neck when he shook his head like a dog. Water arced off like crystals with the movement, more making languid trails down his spiral horns and scarlet scales to pool on the stone beneath him. Claws long as swords scored new marks along countless others in the floor, throwing up sparks in his restlessness. Thin tendrils of black smoke curled up from nostrils nearly as tall as Luise herself, jaw slightly parted to reveal enough teeth to rend a village into paste without so much as a blink of his yellow everflame eyes.
Those eyes locked on Luise in an instant, a low growling sound beginning in his deep chest and rising until it filled the room with his displeasure.
She grinned. "Bad today, huh Snuff?"
The growl gradually grew more vocal, and by the time Luise reached her workstation it had morphed into a long, tortured groan. "I fear, dear Luise, that I am not long for this world. What a cruel twist of fate that a creature so magnificent as I should bravely battle the elements, risking life and wing against blizzard and blaze alike, only to die here underground, as if he were a common lizard."
"Cold's no better, eh?"
"It feels as though I have inhaled a cotton field and am attempting to irrigate it with mucus."
Luise managed to add a sympathetic note to her laughter as she swapped her coat for her soot-blacked apron, giving the row of temperature dials leading from each pipe an initial check. "One of the kitchen boys was convinced you'd bring the walls down."
Snuff gave an irritated huff, jetting out more black smoke. "If this bloody ailment lasts much longer, I just may anyway out of pure rage."
"Of course," she soothed indulgently. Suneffessoat had been the castle's boiler for longer than she'd been alive, and regardless of his physical health he'd never make a move against the castle so long as the royal agreement remained intact: the exchange of heat for food and a salary (and a captive audience for his dramatics) was far too good a deal. "How's the snoot, you coot?"
She nearly felt the air shift with his powerful sniff, which he then released on a wavery sigh. "Primed and reh... r-ready, as always. Never let it be said that I am not a prepahh... prepared professional." He worked the muscles of said snoot, nostrils blowing wide enough in the process that Luise could've fit through without turning her shoulders.
She peered over her shoulder towards a slim tube tucked next to the temperature dials, the end feeding out into a shallow, empty tray. Having worked this job for so long, she could normally track the incoming delivery of a request slip even through Snuff's insistently vocal sneezes, but the tube remained silent of its telltale hiss. "Judging by how you were shaking the ground, I suppose you're not far off?"
Indeed, his neck was beginning to pull back into a swanlike curve, chuffing breaths losing their rhythm while his flaring nose picked up the beat. "Clohhhhhser e-ehh... every minuhhhhhHH--"
Now she heard the swish of an incoming request, and from the way Snuff bit back on the rising urge she knew he had too. "Ach, you can vent that one. The way you're winding up, the next one will be along before the fire's even out your mouth."
"I resehhhhh... I reseeEHHHHH... HH! HuuhhhHHHHH--" From the base of his throat grew a red-hot glow, and even in the throes of a sneeze he swung his head round to bury his explosive snout into a low-set pipe. "HRUUHHH-X'SHUUUHH!"
Luise retrieved the request from the tray, slipping a tightly rolled scrap of parchment out of the sleeve. She turned back in time to see Snuff give another shake of his head, narrowed eyes unfocused. The next sneeze worked his chest like a bellows and set the smoke from his nose rolling in great black clouds. He didn't have long.
She read neat, looping script written on the slip of parchment. "Next one goes to the guest apartments." The Countess Iris was visiting from the southern kingdoms, and if her frequent requests were any indication, she had some strong feelings about the weather. "Can probably give her the one after, too, she's a delicate sort."
Snuff, in no state to respond, hazily twisted towards the correct pipe just as his sneeze crossed from "urgent" to "immediate". "Hh-HRRUAHHHSHOOO!!" He then settled, sated for the moment, tension bleeding from the lines of his shoulders and the base of his wings.
Luise turned to pin the parchment to her order board, but she caught the deliberately innocent slide of Snuff's attention in her direction. Behind her, he snorted. And then again, louder, just in case she hadn't heard the first.
She rolled her eyes good naturedly. Working together for decades, and still, heaven forbid he ever ask for help directly.
When she didn't instantly turn to acknowledge his discomfort, a chorus of little self-pitying moans joined the sporadic snorts and snuffles. Luise would put a day's wages on the fact that he were flexing his nostrils theatrically all the while, and she'd win that bet. "Is something the matter?"
A heaved sigh, heavy enough to move the hair on the back of her neck. "Nothing to concern yourself with. After all, dragons have proudly and steadfastedly withstood far worse than a maddeningly itchy nose."
He couldn't quite look away fast enough as she turned to prop a hip against her station, angling his head up and away from her. 'No, I wasnt looking at you, of course not, how dare you imply such!' "Truly, a hardship," she played along benevolently. "Is there any way a powerless human such as myself could assist in this travesty?"
Snuff held to his haughty aloofness for an entire second before eagerly snaking his head in her direction, smooth scales nearly skimming the floor. "I don't suppose you could take time out of your busy day to give me the tiniest scratch?"
She laughed, thick wire brush already in hand. "Just don't sneeze on me."
"I would never!"
Despite his affronted claim, Luise knew well the map of his muzzle, taught to her in serious, cautionary detail by her mentor: do not cross the threshold where the sturdy pebbled scales of his face smoothed into the plush pink interior of his nostrils. Use extra force on the septum, lest his body decides to register a tickle instead of a scratch. And above all, never stand directly in front of his nose.
When she described her job to friends, many of them thought she was sick in the head (though most of them rescinded the thought once she hinted at her salary). Admittedly, it had its struggles. But as she leaned her weight into each long stroke of the brush, Snuff's eyes drifting closed and contented hum rumbling where her body pressed against him, she thought again what an honour it was to work with such a magnificent creature so intimately.
She scratched the spots she knew he liked; just behind the hood of his nostrils, along the length nearly to his cheek, standing on tiptoe to rub tight circles on the crest of his snout like she would groom a horse. These were not things taught to her, and sometimes she wondered if her mentor had viewed Snuff as more of a beast of burden and less of a companion, never bothering to learn his preferences and habits and quirks beyond what was needed to perform the job. Once they'd gotten comfortable around each other, Luise never needed to heed the warning about standing in front of his nose, because she could always tell when he was getting tickly by the way his inner nostril began to shiver and tic, the pink flesh growing steadily flushed until it nearly matched the shade of his scales.
Like now, for example.
He whined as she pulled away, chasing her until his snout bumped against her stomach again. No amount of shoving could move his giant head if he didn't want it to, so her cursory attempt ended in an affectionate pat. "Alright, you baby, nose in the air. You gotta sneeze."
"Do not," he grumbled, purposefully ignorant of how his nose twitched as though it had life of its own. A long tremor agitated the length of both nostrils from tip to depth like a wave.
Luise noted a crease like a snarl form in his scales. "It'll be a double, send them to the baths."
"S-smuhhhhhg bastard." For all his pouting, he followed instructions and unloaded two giant sneezes into the baths pipe. "HhhHHH'XHOOO-!! HAAH-SHOOO!!"
The day continued as such: orders delivered by way of parchment and tube, then executed through Luise's guidance and Snuff's unforgiving cold. His dramatics aside, it truly seemed like a bad one this time. Occasionally on high demand days, Luise would need to dump a wheelbarrow of coal or two into his open mouth to help stoke his inner flame. Today, her arms were already black with coal dust and soot from how many trips she'd made from the coal pile to Snuff, and still as the end of the day drew near, he was tiring.
Not that he'd ever admit it, of course. But she saw it in the hang of his head, the way his internal flame flickered at his throat, too low to properly reach his nose. The sneeze reflex and the flame were intrinsically linked, he'd told her once, and the lower the flame, the harder it would be to reach satisfaction.
"Hhh-! HUHHT-- rrrgh... hhaH-HAAH-- HADT-!!"
Judging by his stuttering half-sneezes and ticklish false starts, Snuff must've been feeling very low indeed.
At the next sneezes to fizzle away, Snuff let out a frustrated sound between a growl and a roar, thrashing in place. At this point his little tantrum was probably warranted. "Blast this nose, blast this cold, I must sneeze! HEAHHHH--" for a moment it seemed like he would finally get his wish, maw agape and nostrils blown nearly wider than his muzzle. "HEEAAHHHHHH--!!"
And then, tragically, nothing, the elusive sneeze teasing at his nose before darting mischievously away, heedless of its host's desperation.
Enough was enough.
Reaching down her shirt, Luise retrieved a key kept on a leather cord around her neck and knelt beneath her table to unlock a hidden cabinet. It was near empty of contents anyone could have considered valuable, but the two items held within were far more dangerous than the king's entire army.
On the right, a small selection of long, brown primary feathers pilfered from the rookery.
On the left, sealed tightly, a tiny jar of glowing golden powder.
Luise worked from the floor, blocked by the cabinet door. More than once Snuff's sensitive nose had been set off by the mere sight of these implements, and the general rule of thumb in dragonfire and pixie dust both was 'a little goes a long way'.
Careful not to get any on her hands, Luise opened the jar as though she were handling explosives. Using a sturdy feather, she gave the jar's rim a quick swipe. The few grains that caught the light as she twisted the feather in her fingertips would be more than sufficient. On went the lid, back went the jar, locked went the cabinet, hidden went the key. Safe again.
Snuff's wobbly hitches stuck high in his chest, eyes rolled to the ceiling. He didnt look round as she approached, weapon tucked behind the bib of her apron. "Head down please, Snuff."
Even in his all consuming battle with his stuck sneeze, he complied, resting his chin against the stone and snorting against the tickle in his nose. So violently did it twitch and flare and shudder that Luise didnt dare lay a hand on it. Other things, however, were free game.
She adjusted her grip on the feather shaft, coming to stand directly beside his right nostril. "Alright, big guy, give me a nice big sniff."
The feather flicked forward, drawing a long, slow line along the division between tough scale and tortured membrane a split second before Snuff obeyed. The feather and its payload vanished down the dark wind tunnel of his nose, trailing a vibrant red flush in its wake.
Luise took several very large steps backwards.
For a tense second, Snuff went completely still save for the rapid fluttering of his eyelids.
"Hhhhhhhhhhaauhhhhhh..." So great was the urge to sneeze that he couldn't even move his head for his first true, unsteady hitch: while his chin remained solidly on the stone, his volcanic nose tilted towards the ceiling as his jaws creaked open, scaly lips ticking up to flash gleaming teeth.
He sniffed HARD, long neck arcing into the air. His nose danced at the end of his muzzle like a leaf in the breeze, and Luise could almost see the feather's leisurely path down his sinuses based on what sections shivered with sensation. Only a slice of yellow remained visible beneath his hooded eyes. "HhaaaAAAahhhhhh..."
How much it must have tickled! Snuff, by his own proclamation, was rather sensitive to the effects of pixie dust (though experience suggested he far undersold how much it affected him). Such a tiny but potent irritant, on such a delicate and wispy vessel, gently brushing and caressing and stroking nasal passages stripped of any defenses by illness. Was it any wonder why his jaw went slack, wings rising slightly as if to brace against the oncoming storm.
Everything picked up speed as the feather continued its journey, spurred on by his rapid reflexive sniffles. "Hh! Huh... huuhh... HH-HUUHHH--" His voice plummeted as his fire rose, throat glowing with the promise of release. Huge, gasping breaths stoked his internal flame, his nostrils and mouth gaping so widely Luise could see soft embers flickering in their depths.
As he didnt seem to be of the mind to take instructions at the moment, she didnt offer a pipe suggestion to put this sneeze through. Honestly, she didnt even know if they'd be able to withstand it.
Finally the feather did its job. The fiery gradient of his neck surged upwards just as Snuff threw his head forward. "HRRRUUUUUAAHHHH-T'CZHOOOOOOOO!!"
Flame shot from his mouth and nostrils in a deadly torrent, spanning the entire length of the room and splitting into starbursting jets upon hitting the far wall. Louise shielded her eyes until his sneeze ran its course, light twisting eerily in every shadowed corner of the room, exposed skin buffeted by waves of intense, rebounding heat.
After the blaze flickered out, she gave a low whistle at the giant scorch mark he left behind, coating the far wall and a twenty foot streak on the floor with black soot. A strange smell filled the room, the subtle scent of burnt rock. "You want to aim for the vent pipe next time, mate?"
Snuff's head hung low, eyes hooded and mouth slightly open as he caught his breath. One final, searching sniff saw his nose to relieved satisfaction. "If you think I was not perfectly in control through that entire ordeal, you would be most sorely mistaken. I'd sooner bite my own leg off than kill you, you're hardly more than a morsel and it would be an inefficient waste of fire."
She heard the apology for what it was and waved it away with a hand. "Feeling any better now?"
His voiced sigh was the clearest it had been all day, repeated nose-clearing sneezes having burnt away the bemoaned morning congestion. "All this dreary awfulness today has served its purpose, I suppose." So, yes, despite the extra throaty growl on the edges of his words. Another huff, and he shifted his great body to curl around himself, pointedly resting his head near his haunches and away from her. Suneffessoat had officially clocked out.
Which meant it was time for her to follow suit. Luise smiled affectionately at the back of his head, trading dirty apron for dirty coat. "See you tomorrow for more dreary awfulness."
He didnt look round. "Your dying in the cold would inconvenience me severely, so do try to be considerate."
She skipped over the scorch mark bisecting the room, leaving boot tracks behind in the soot. Just before she started up the stairs, she sent a last cheeky, "I'll miss you too!" over her shoulder, ascending back to the dark and the cold as her bright, warm companion spluttered indignities behind her.
i am DELIGHTED to introduce you all to a new cast of characters set in a strange and secretive corner of the same world that my last fic takes place in. You can think of this as a spin-off with slightly smokier vibes, if you wish, although really this place came first...
without much further ado, i'd like to introduce you to my library monsters
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Water From a Stone (pt i)
summary: Ateya is just looking for something to wake up her boring life. Little does she know, her life will never be the same again...
8k words, Rated PG-13, No CWs. Gargoyle!sneeze, Trying not to sneeze, Making someone sneeze, NB sneezing
pt i
The city of Praglyn was beautiful, and older than the gods. Worn cobble streets still predominated, although some of the major thoroughfares had been traded for asphalt in recent years. Praglyn was alive with such juxtopositions.
Historic stone churches bedecked with enormous glass windows sat blocks away from shiny, metallic new centers for business. The heritage theater, all bricks and carved, ornate pilasters, shared a block with a chain hamburger joint, one of the ones with a claustrophobic plastic playplace in the back and somehow never enough people on staff to satisfy the ever-busy rush of people through its doors, in from the city's ever-lively streets.
Urban exploration was abundant here, but it wasn't any of the abandoned, moss-eaten parking garages or shuttered storefront-office-apartment buildings turned pigeon hotels that Ateya was most interested in exploring on this particular evening—or breaking into, as the case may be.
Dominating the end of a block in one of the city's more historic districts loomed an enormous library. It was privately owned, but it was known that for the right price, its curator would sometimes allow the lucky visitor in to peruse its stacks. Those visitors were often academics, researchers and the like, and the price of entry was often some addition to the library's massive collection, be it some intriguing new research publication or some rare ancient text.
Ateya had no such texts.
All the same, she desperately wanted to see inside, and had wanted to for some years now. The place was grand enough to be imposing and yet it was shrouded in secrecy. It taunted her every time she walked by it, which was near every day with her workplace being in the same district. She could scarcely imagine what it must be like within the library's giant wooden double doors. And it wasn't as if Ateya didn't like books.
Of course those big front doors wouldn't be Ateya's point of entry. After visiting hours they were locked, and it didn't seem like they opened again until morning.
But there were windows along the sides and back of the wedge-shaped building, some six or seven feet off the ground. Too high to see in, and too low to be second-story. Just high enough to climb into, if Ateya could mount the irregular shape of the building's bricks in the alleyway along the library's north side, in the back.
It wasn't the best day, or night as it were, to attempt such a feat. It was spitting down rain, and had been on and off for days. The stone of the building was cold and wet, and Ateya's hair kept dripping in her face. It really would have been wiser to wait until the weather dried out and the going was less treacherous. But Ateya was feeling eager, and restless, and she'd finally made up her mind to get a real look at the place, so here she was, grappling with wet bricks and sniffling, frozen fingertips prying open a window that was likely installed before she was even born.
Old as it was, and not meant to be opened from the outdoors, the window kept sticking and was difficult to move, but Ateya finally managed to budge it just far enough to slip through sideways, hang down from the sill, and drop the remaining two or three feet to the floor.
The hallway she landed in was bare, but stately. Marble floor, stone chair rail, ornately carved pilasters throughout, and well lit with a series of recess lighting along the high ceiling. Having dropped in, Ateya wasn't able to close the window she'd entered through, but despite the chill, damp evening air blowing in, and despite the prevalence of stone in the decor, the library was warm and comfortable. The entire place smelled of books.
Glancing about quietly, it seemed the hall went on for some ways to either side, with stairs upward at the end of the hall to her left, and stairs downward or an opening to another first level hallway to her right. Not wanting to linger on the first level, or potentially draw nearer any lobbies or front desks, Ateya turned left, and began quietly making her way up the steps.
The stair landing opened onto a catwalk that stretched on around the entire second level and overlooked the main lobby. Not ideal for evading detection... There was a spiral stair at the end, but getting to it and even climbing it would put her in plain view of anyone on the floor below, not to mention it looked to be metal and would certainly not be very quiet to climb in an echoing space like this, even if Ateya was as lightfooted as she could be.
The hall was lined with high arched doorways, though. If she was sneaky enough she might be able to hide out behind one, snoop around for a bit, and maybe hop from one room to the next once the lights actually went out in the place.
It was strange that they were still on, actually. But then, it wasn't too long after hours. Maybe somebody was working late?
Hopefully they weren't working in the first room on the left...
Empty.
Ateya breathed a sigh of relief, a wave of giddiness close on its heels. Ah the thrills of breaking and entry. Technically, just entry this time, she hadn't actually broken anything...
She mused over this as she surveyed the contents of the room. Stately, like the hall she'd landed in, but not unwelcoming. Around a low coffee table, with plenty of space for comfort, there was a large, ornate, light green sofa and two matching chairs, each with a side table of their own, and tiffany lamps on each side table. The walls were lined floor-to-ceiling with dark wooden bookshelves save for a small fireplace across from the door, and free-standing shelves filled the far end of the room. The floor featured a nice, ornate throw rug.
All the shelves Ateya could see were near completely full of books, which she supposed made a sort of sense. From what she knew, this wasn't the sort of library people borrowed from. All of the books in it were for on-site use only.
Curious about what kind of books the room she'd landed in held, and needing to kill some time until the lights went off (they had to turn off at some point, right?), Ateya went to search through some of the free-standing shelves, away from the door.
She hadn't yet been able to piece together a theme amongst the titles, other than it being a non-fiction area of some kind, when she heard the softest fluttering sound behind her. It might have been a piece of paper falling to the ground on the light breeze she felt blow strangely past despite the room's distance from the window she'd crept in from.
“You shouldn't be here.”
Ateya jumped, nearly dropping the book she was holding at the sound of a dark, resonant voice close behind her. She tripped over herself and fell trying to back away when she saw its source.
Looming over her as she attempted and failed to scamper backwards across the floor was a huge creature of some kind. The way their form obscured the light as they entered the aisle shrouded them in shadow and made it hard to tell what they were beyond that, other than large, and imposing, and advancing on her slowly.
The creature reached for her, and she whimpered and flinched away.
“I don't want to hurt you. Get up. It's time to go,” they said.
Ateya remained frozen in fear, braced for some kind of blow or swipe. When none came, she slowly opened her eyes. The creature's large hand remained extended towards her. She blinked at it, shaking.
“You're... helping me up?” she asked.
“You fell,” they replied simply. Ateya stared at their hand in disbelief. She wasn't sure she could feel her legs anymore from the sheer panic that had flooded her system.
“I can carry you out, if you prefer,” the figure said.
“No,” she mumbled, shaking her head and shakily getting to her feet on her own, not wanting to take the hand of something so unknown and so much larger than her.
Now that her eyes had begun to adjust to the dim light, she started to be able to make out the beast's features.
They were predominantly animalistic, but not of any one type of animal in particular. Their nose resembled that of a bat, but the snout it belonged to was more like a boar's snout. So were the creature's legs, their ears, and their short mane of hair. They had multiple short horns like a goat would, and a long, spade-tipped tail like a devil. Giant bat-like wings sprouted from their shoulder blades. The rest of them, it seemed, was vaguely humanoid and extremely well-muscled, and... it wasn't a trick of the light, they were completely slate grey from tip to tail.
She'd seen them before, she realized. Just never up close.
“You're a lot larger than you look from the street,” she said.
“I imagine that to be true,” the gargoyle replied, before swiftly moving on. “Did you take anything?”
“No,” Ateya said.
Now that she could see them, she couldn't stop staring. She watched their face move when they spoke. They were surprisingly expressive for a creature made of stone. The expression they bore now was a stern one, all heavy brow and set jaw. The way their nostrils flared whenever they spoke made them look much angrier than their behavior would lead someone to believe.
“The book you were holding when I came in?” they prompted.
“Dropped it,” she said, pointing vaguely at the floor behind them.
Eyeing her suspiciously all the while, the gargoyle stooped with startling gracefulness to pick the book up and reshelve it. They gave one, single, profoundly wet sniffle as they did so, the sound snorting in its insistency.
Ateya blinked, and tilted her head. That was odd. Maybe they weren't actually all that angry. Their snout could just be bothering them. She wouldn't have expected that a gargoyle could be affected by something like that.
“Anything else?” they asked her. She shook her head.
“Good,” they said, “Then I won't find anything when I search you for stolen books.”
Ateya took another step or two backwards, shaking her head.
“I didn't take anything,” she said.
“My boss would be greatly disappointed in me if I took everyone at their word,” they said, grasping her arm in a manner that could only be described as immovable. Not tight, not even painful, but a living stone manacle closed around her forearm and would not let her go. She struggled against them.
“Hey! I said I didn't take anything!” she protested, trying to tug herself free as they reached to try and start patting down her sides. Before she could think about whether it might really hurt, Ateya reached up and flicked hard at the center of their nose.
The good news was that it didn't hurt. The gargoyle's flesh was surprisingly pliant, if tough and rough textured. It wasn't like flicking solid rock. What did hurt, a little, was their grip tightening slightly around her arm as their eyes fluttered shut, their nostrils now pulsing and flaring restlessly with their breath.
“Hhuh...! hhuH...!”
There was a sound of rushing water and they looked straight up, the wrist of their other hand coming up to press against the end of their snout. They clumsily started backing blindly and urgently to the door, snorting and panting all the while and dragging a protesting Ateya along with them. A shelf or two may have gotten bumped and fallen over in the process, and as their snorting became heavier and even more urgent, they backed clear into the doorway on their way out through it.
Their strength broke on a desperate, gasping inhale as soon as they made the catwalk, and they threw themself at the railing to release a desperate—
“HUAAAEGH'SHIEWHH!!”
—over the side. Ateya's eyes widened at the torrent of water that flooded forth from their snout, cascading down to the marble floor of the lobby below.
“Geez!” she exclaimed, flinching back. The gargoyle's eyes remained closed, and they snuffled aqueously, their breaths still labored and uncertain.
“hhuh- hh! H'YAAASHHUE!!”
They lurched forward again with another resounding sneeze, another deluge pouring from their snout as they did so. They snuffled again, rubbing at the end of their snout with their wrist.
“Why would you do that?” they asked, just as another voice rose up from beyond the lobby below.
“Ava? What the devil are you doing up there? I thought I told you I didn't want you patrolling while—Oh hello... Who do we have here?”
A tall, thin man with neat waves of bright red hair stepped out from the hallway at the back of the lobby. He wore a very fancy red and gold waistcoat, and small, thin gold wire spectacles perched atop his prominent, bridgey nose. As he stepped into view and spotted Ateya his eyes narrowed irritably.
“An uninvited guest, boss. I was just checking her over before showing her out,” the gargoyle, Ava, said. The bespectacled man continued squinting, and tilted his head accusingly.
“It seems like you were just sneezing all over my nice marble floor. I trust you didn't get any on the shelves?” he said.
Ava made a small noise somewhere between a snort and a grunt, his snout giving a twitch. They looked almost self-conscious for a moment. It was a strange look to see cross the features of something so stony and large.
“No, I... The shelves are dry,” they said. “I may just need to right some of them. They... tipped over.”
The man's eyes alit with a sudden temper at this information.
“They what?” he hissed, one hand coming to pinch the space between his eyes.
Ava remained absolutely silent while his boss seethed on the level below.
“And the books? Were any of them damaged? Or haven't you checked?” said the man.
“It just happened,” they said.
The man took an exceedingly deep breath and swallowed before letting it out and letting his hand drop to his side. He turned his gaze to Ateya then.
“And I suppose you had nothing to do with this?” he accused.
“What!? I was just-??? They grabbed me– I was just– I was trying to get away,” she said.
Ava's boss crossed his arms and glared at her nastily.
“And you would not have had to try to get away if you had come during regular business hours and paid the requisite entry fee, now would you? What exactly did you do?” he said.
Without breaking eye contact, she demonstrated, quickly slipping her hand up and flicking again at Ava's nose before they could pull away.
The effect was immediate this time, their eyes slamming shut as they wrenched aside with a streaming—
“hAAUH'SHHOO!!”
—that their boss narrowly dodged below, visibly shivering when some of the water splashed back at him on impact with the floor.
“Saints alive, Ava, that's cold!” he admonished.
“Sorry, boss. -snfgh!-” Ava snuffled, scrubbing at their snout with their wrist.
“Watch where you aim that thing,” their boss continued, peevishly.
“I didn't have much choice, boss,” they said.
Ateya couldn't help but be amused by the chaos she'd wrought, the feeling egged on by a quiet sense of defiance.
“Yeah, this thing seems pretty sensitive,” she taunted, reaching up and tapping at the side of Ava's snout. They gave a profusely wet snort and turned their head, leaning away from her as much as they could without releasing her arm.
“And you, stop menacing my gargoyle,” the figure below demanded testily. “How did you even get in here anyway? I know I locked the door.”
Ava snorted and kept their face turned, presumably not trusting that Ateya really would stop menacing them despite her momentary cooperation. Maybe they were smarter than they looked.
“She came in through a backfacing window,” they reported. “I found it ajar on my way to escort her from the premises.”
Their boss crossed his arms and took a deep breath, holding it and swallowing hard before letting it back out in a huff.
“Here's what we are going to do,” he said, turning to Ateya, still terse despite his overt efforts to calm his temper.
“You are going to come down here and help clean this mess, and then you are going to go back. up. there. and help reshelve all the books that were displaced because of your. actions,” he said, pinching irritably again at the space between his eyes. “I'm not going to charge you for any damages,—”
“Good, because I didn't—” Ateya attempted to interject.
“—but you still owe me your entry fee,” he continued, not allowing the interruption, “and I intend to collect. Further, you will submit to a search at the door before you leave.”
Ateya looked from the massive gargoyle still holding her by the arm to the snippy man they seemed to be genuinely deferent to. He was probably the eccentric who owned the place. The gargoyle could probably break her in half if they wanted.
“What if I don't want to do any of that,” she said, “I didn't tip your shelves, or dent your doorway, and if this stone goliath hadn't grabbed me I wouldn't have had to flick at their face in the first place!”
“And remind me why my gargoyle grabbed you again? Was it because you broke in and were attempting to peruse my collection free of charge?” the man asked simply.
“It's not optional,” Ava added.
“You can't keep me here, that's kidnapping!” Ateya protested.
“Oh really?” the curator said, a sardonic grin spreading across his face. “Are you going to go to the police? And what do you think they'll do, exactly? With the breaking and entering, and the tresspassing, and the destruction of property, and the harassment? Does that all end well for you?”
Ateya grumbled beneath her breath.
“You need to submit to the search,” Ava responded. “That's standard procedure.”
She stared at them blinkingly. How the fuck did they hear that? There was no way. Could they read minds? Were they hearing her thoughts this whole time?
“Ava, get a bucket. I'm going to assess the damages. So help me if any pages have been torn,” the curator said, stalking towards a staircase at the opposite end of the room.
“What should I do with our visitor?” Ava asked.
“You can release her for now, but don't let her leave until she's made up for her transgressions,” he responded, barely raising his voice enough to call over his shoulder.
Ava, at long last, released Ateya's arm. She rubbed at her wrist and stretched her shoulder.
“You've got a firm grip,” she said.
Ava did not respond. Taking a few steps away, with a strong beat of their wings, they rose into the air as if made of paper and just as quietly, and in a moment they were gone. Their flight was so fast Ateya could barely track the shape of them diving over the rail, swooping back through the entryway, and turning through a door someplace beneath the catwalk where she stood.
She stared after them for a moment in awe.
By the time Ateya looked up again, the curator had just reached the side of the building she was standing in.
He looked even more sour up close. His thin lips were perpetually pressed into a line, his eyes forever holding a leer of disdain. He glanced at her wordlessly as he slipped by, making his way into the room she had sneaked into, and as he passed there were daggers in his gaze.
He didn't seem to even care about the damage to the doorway, passing it without giving it any inspection whatsoever.
“Piss and daggers,” she heard him utter in dismay upon entering the room.
With the curator thus occupied, and the gargoyle off who knows where searching for a bucket, Ateya saw no reason she couldn't just quietly slip away.
Backtracking, she passed by the disrupted library room to see the curator inside, righting the shelves by himself as if they weighed nothing.
She didn't stay to watch for long. This place was weirder than they say, and she was ready to leave.
Maybe she would come back another day, if she could find a better way in. There was more she wanted to see, afterall.
She crept down the steps and back into the hall she'd dropped into when she had first arrived. The window was still open wide enough for her to fit through, if she could climb back up into it. There was no uneven brick to climb here though, and even the nearest pilaster was too far away to push off from if she tried to leap for the sill. Besides, her forearm was still sore... even if she could reach the window ledge, she didn't think she could climb into it like this.
She glanced further down the hall, to the other set of stairs and the hallway that presumably led out into the lobby itself. The curator had locked the front door, but? Surely it could unlock from the inside.
Ateya hesitated at the fork in the path, deeply curious about what might be on the library's lower levels... but ultimately decided to check another time. She had to leave while both known stewards were distracted and before any unknown others had the chance to show up.
She made it halfway through the entryway before the soft fluttering sound behind her alerted her again to the gargoyle's presence.
“Nice try,” they said, setting down a large metal pail. They held out a mop. Defeated, Ateya came and collected it.
“I'm going to go and check on my boss. Don't try to leave,” Ava said, flying up then to the second story and disappearing into the room the curator was in. As soon as they were out of sight, Ateya very quietly set down the mop and turned for the door.
Ava swooped down in front of her before she got three steps of the way there.
“What did I just say?” they admonished.
Ateya grumbled and turned back to get the mop. She guessed helping clean up wouldn't be so bad. She did make the poor brute sneeze after all. Not like it was her fault he sneezes in torrents though.
The curator of the library came to join her after not too long, taking up the other mop his gargoyle had brought and pitching in to get the floor dry.
“So about my fee...” he said, sopping up a mop's worth of water and wringing it into the bucket with a shiver. It barely made a dent in the small pond the gargoyle's sneezing had made of the floor.
Ateya continued mopping, and didn't make eye contact as she shook her head.
“I don't have any rare books,” she said. The curator shook his head in response.
“Doesn't matter. I'll accept a story in its place,” he said.
Ateya paused in her mopping.
“What?” she said. The curator paused as well, looking at her incredulously.
“A story. A personal tale. Something you've experienced or witnessed, explained in a narrative format. Surely I don't need to go on,” he said.
A story? All this prick needed for entry was a story?
“Does it have to be mine?” she asked.
“Yes,” the curator replied, without missing a beat.
“I-I don't even know your name! And you want a personal story from me?” she stammered.
That aside, she wasn't sure she even had any good stories to tell. Her life wasn't interesting.
“Leonidas,” he offered. “Leonidas Khrƴsídēs. And yours?”
Ateya blinked. She had expected more resistance than this.
“Ateya Ríoahdse," she said. Leonidas set his mop down, drying his hands on his trousers and giving another shiver as he made his way to a podium near the back of the room.
“And how do you spell that?” he asked, picking up a pen there and holding it poised over a ledger of some kind.
“What's that for?” she asked.
“It's a guestbook. Spell your name please,” Leonidas repeated impatiently.
“A-t-e-y-a, R-i–there's an accent on the i—o-a-h-d-s-e,” she said. “I know, it sounds like it should be R-o-a-d-s. You can just... put that, if it's easier. Most people do.”
Leonidas scoffed at the idea, giving an indignant snort.
“I would never. There's history in a name,” he said. To his credit, the length of time he took to finish writing her name, he must have been true to his word. When he finished, he set the pen down and considered the entry thoughtfully.
“Ríoahdse... are you Schyrse?” he asked.
Ateya shook her head.
“Czyrkish, but both my parents are Easterlan,” she said. The curator raised his brow and nodded, stepping away from his guest book once more.
“Now that makes sense,” he said. He came to pick up his mop again and get back to work.
“So what brought your family to Czyrk, then? The culture? The history?” he asked. Ateya gave kind of half a shrug.
“Kind of, maybe a little bit of both,” she said, wringing another mop-full of icy water into the pail which was nearing full. Despite this, the floor was only close to half dry at best.
“My parents met at the University of Praglyn, when they were both students there. They were both so culture shocked that finding another Easterlan was a relief,” she went on, sopping at another corner of sneeze puddle. She supposed she should be grateful it was only water.
“They got along well, and they kind of fell in love with the city at the same time that they fell in love with each other,” she said, continuing to work as she spoke. "At least that's how they always tell it. Once they graduated, the original plan was to move back east, but they both loved it so much here they decided to stay, instead. They moved in together, and eventually got married, and then they had me a few years later.”
Wringing out her mop again, she bent to take the pail and empty it.
“Uh, where...?” she asked.
“Just outside the front door will be fine, beside the steps please,” Leonidas directed.
Taking the pail to the door, she found the locking mechanism and undid it, then shoving the large wooden door open with quite a bit of force. It was far thicker and heavier than it looked, she wouldn't have been able to open it quickly even if one of her arms wasn't sore.
She looked outside. She could just... leave. Slip neatly out the open door and make a break for it, maybe even get inside another business before anyone caught up to her.
She hefted the pail up and splashed about three gallons of water into the hedges beside the steps.
The longer she spent with the library's odd curator the more curious she became, not only about the library itself but also about those who kept it.
How was Leonidas so strong that he could effortlessly lift a bookcase that must've weighed as much as a house, despite looking like he'd weigh maybe 150 lbs himself if he was sopping wet? And, turning to come back to the task at hand and catching him swiping at his nose and sniffling, probably catch a cold from it too.
Ateya could tell he was trying to hide it, but he was shivering pretty constantly now. He snorted lightly and cleared his throat as she approached and set the pail back down, affecting an unbothered composure until in wringing out his own mop again he was unable to suppress a violent shiver from coursing through his frame.
“You chill easily, don't you?” Ateya asked. He fully glowered at her from behind his spectacles.
“And how is that any of your concern?” he snipped. Ateya raised her hands placatingly.
“No, I just... thought that might be why you keep it so warm in here, that's all,” she said, not trying to offend
“Why I.....?” he hesitated, seemingly puzzled for a moment before quickly covering for it and changing the subject. “Oh. Yes. It is, now can we move on? You were telling me about your parents. -skff!-”
Was there another reason that he kept it so warm? Something he was embarrassed by, judging by how quickly he wanted to drop the topic. It was Ateya's turn to be puzzled now. What on earth could he be so embarrassed by about keeping the heat turned up?
“Yeah, sorry,” she said, allowing for it and returning to her work mopping the floor. “What else is there to say really? They moved in, they had me. Now I'm here.”
Leonidas sniffled again, budging at the tip of his nose with one wrist. He had more or less stopped mopping the place, not that Ateya could blame him. He looked near frozen just from having his hands in cold water for a few minutes.
“You skipped over the middle bits,” he directed. “The parts between your being born and now.”
Ateya shrugged one shoulder.
“Nothing interesting,” she said, not looking up from her task. “My life is normally pretty boring. If it wasn't I would probably be off doing something else right now, and not...sneaking into forbidden libraries and getting apprehended by sniffly gargoyles.”
Leonidas tilted his head and squinted, considering her carefully.
“Nothing? Not a single story?” he challenged. “I find that hard to believe... Have you never accomplished anything? Studied anything? Gotten a scar, broken a bone? Was mine the first building you've ever broken into, am I just that lucky?”
“Well–No? But– None of that's interesting,” she said. “I don't have any major accomplishments. I studied contract law, and now I'm a glorified secretary. I've never broken anything, and the only scars I have are from stupid stuff I did as a kid. Mostly climbing on things I wasn't supposed to and falling off them. And... No? But technically yes?”
Leonidas shook his head and crossed his arms.
“What do you mean, ‘no, but technically yes?’ Which is it?” he asked.
“Well, mostly the buildings I've taken a look around in have been abandoned,” Ateya said, frustrated that this nosybody just wasn't getting it. There was nothing special about her.
“Did you think the library was an abandoned building?” he accused, his eyes narrowing in offense.
“No! I just thought it looked cool!” Ateya defended.
Leonidas snorted out a huffed breath, seemingly placated by the assessment.
“Fine,” he said. “Fine, but there must be something you're interested in telling.”
“Telling you how my parents met wasn't enough?” she protested in response.
“No. I want your story, how you'd tell it,” the snippy librarian insisted. “A secondhand, personal story told and heard a million times isn't the same thing. It's going to be missing details. It's going to be missing context. It is not of commensurate value to a personal first hand account told by you, to me, in person.”
“Geez, okay,” Ateya said. This guy was passionate about stories.
She thought over his prompts again, attempting to wring anything even minutely entertaining out of them. To Leonidas's credit, he let her think.
“I have a scar on my right elbow that I got trying to learn to parkour off my mother's couch when I was twelve,” she offered after a few moment's silence.
“What happened?” the curator asked, suddenly calm and attentive. Ateya supposed this was an acceptable offering.
“I wasn't very good at parkour,” she answered. Leonidas did not seem very amused by her attempt at humor.
“Come now, what happened?” he prompted again. She sighed, and resigned herself to actually telling him.
“Well, I was twelve, and I hadn't really learned how to judge distances yet. Or how to jump very hard,” she explained.
“I wasn't like, being taught by anyone. I just tried whatever trick I thought would be cool to try next, you know?
One day, while my parents were out shopping, I was trying to master the fine art of leaping onto the back of the couch from the corner of the coffee table.
I didn't jump high enough.
The coffee table was like, behind the couch and off to the side for some reason? I don't remember why. But when I jumped I landed with my chest about a centimeter below where my feet were supposed to be.
I bounced off like a rubber chicken, and I somehow lost all rubbery qualities seconds later when I hit the floor.”
Ateya paused, then, coming closer to bend and angle her arm in such a way that might allow Leonidas to actually see the scar that stretched over the flat space in front of her elbow. The scar was roughly the width and shape of a strawberry that had a large bite missing.
“I scraped most of the skin off on the carpet. I never told them how I got hurt. I just said I was playing and I fell,” she said. She paused, glancing up at the prissy librarian then as a realization dawned on her. “Actually, I don't think I've told anyone else about this. You're the only one who knows.”
Leonidas's eyes sparkled with quiet delight in this knowledge, and he grinned in satisfaction.
“Perfect,” he said. “And now that story lives here, with me. Thank you, that wasn't so hard now was it?”
Ateya gave Leonidas a flat stare, and turned to go back to drying the floors. Leonidas disappeared back to his podium, flicking leisurely through the most recent few pages of his guest book while she worked.
While she mopped, she would occasionally hear a series of snorts and snuffles from the room upstairs that made her worry about an encore performance undoing all the work she'd already done, but Ava seemed to be keeping decent control over themself for now. It probably helped that they were no longer being actively flicked in the nose.
If Ateya felt at all bad about that, the feeling vanished every time she moved the wrong way and it pulled on how tender her arm still felt.
About two and a half buckets of water later, and the mop she had was mostly just pushing loose droplets around the marble floor.
“I think that's as good as I'm going to get this without a towel or something dry,” she said. The curator looked up from his guest book, peering at the work she'd done, assessing it. He flipped back to today's entries and gave a nod, coming out from behind his podium.
“I'll take it from here,” he said.
“So... do I go? Story told, floor mostly dry?” she asked. He leveled her with a flat look.
“No, you still need to go help Ava reshelve what you caused him to knock over, and then there's the matter of the search at the door before you leave,” he said.
“Fine,” Ateya submitted, handing the mop back to him. She grumbled quietly about not needing to be searched, and made her way for the nearest stairs to the catwalk.
Ava was reshelving books with surprising grace and gentleness for someone so large and stony. They didn't look up from their work when Ateya came in, instead offering simple instructions while they worked.
“They're organized by subsection, then alphabetically by author last name,” they explained. “Start looking for author names beginning with K in that stack of books there. I've already taken care of A through J.”
The displaced books were stacked neatly and carefully together by subsection on the various tables present in the room. Leonidas's work, most likely, the man seemed to take his collection very seriously.
Ateya grabbed as many as she could with last name K from the stack indicated, only flinching and grunting a little when she forgot herself and nestled them in her left arm to carry back with her.
Ava's gaze flicked to her, then back to the shelving. She stepped up beside them to start organizing alphabetically.
“...I'm... sorry about your arm,” Ava said, after a few moments’ uncomfortable silence. “I wasn't trying to hurt you. I only meant to keep you from leaving before I could perform my duties.”
Ateya hadn't been expecting the unyielding gargoyle to apologize to her. They seemed sincere in it. She allowed the apology to sink in for a moment so she could accept it before replying.
“You two take your jobs really seriously, don't you?” she said, hazarding a glance up at them.
They hummed thoughtfully in response, giving a nod in consideration.
“One might say that,” they allowed.
A silence fell between them again as they worked, but it was more comfortable, almost companionable now. Occasionally it was punctuated by a wet snuffle from Ava, or some small direction when switching between subsections.
It was hard not to stare at them between putting books back on shelves.
Ateya had never beheld an actual, live gargoyle before. She felt a kind of awed curiosity over the way their stony form and features came to life with their movement; the quick twitch of their snout, the give and bob of their adam's apple when they swallowed, the shift of their muscles as they raised and lowered their arms.
Then there were also their features, themselves. The way their snout smoothly transitioned into their cheek and the corner of their mouth. Both their horns and their pointed ears sat naturally on their head despite owing to two completely different animals. By all rights, Ava should have been grotesque with all the parts and pieces of various beasts combined together on them, but somehow everything worked together seamlessly, almost artfully. Nothing was haphazard or seemed out of place.
If Ava noticed her staring, they didn't acknowledge it, too set on the task at hand.
They did seem to be struggling with their snout though, and a pattern began to emerge as they worked, their snuffling increasing every time they needed to look down.
“If you want I can get the lower shelves,” Ateya offered, noticing this and taking mercy on them.
Ava gave a small, grunting snort, that same oddly self-conscious look crossing their face momentarily.
“If you wouldn't mind,” they said, carefully passing her an armful of books.
Getting everything back into place didn't take too long with both of them working on it, the room wasn't cavernous and Ava hadn't knocked into every shelf on their way through. Ateya was surprised when the last book was placed and it was time to leave.
“I'll see you to the door,” Ava said, gesturing back towards it.
She looked around at the room one more time before leaving it. It was a shame she hadn't gotten to see more of the place.
As Ava escorted her through the entryway, to the door, Ateya noticed the floor had been completely dried, and it was much warmer in the lobby than it had been before. Whatever secret reason the librarian kept the heat raised so high that definitely had nothing to do with the chill he'd taken on must have been responsible for that.
As for the librarian himself, he was in one of the large sitting chairs in the lobby, reading one of the books usually shelved there. He glanced up as Ateya tried to say her goodbyes.
“Well, it's been nice meeting you,” she said, reaching for the door.
“Search first,” Leonidas said, his eyes flicking back to the book he was reading as Ava helpfully kept a hand on the door to keep it shut.
Ateya's lips pressed into a line and she took a deep breath, sighing it out through her nose as she resigned herself to it. Rolling her eyes, she raised her arms out to her sides to allow Ava to inspect her.
She snorted, and coughed, and cleared her throat as the gargoyle patted down her sides.
Leonidas glanced up again.
“Are you hurting her, Ava?” he accused, an edge of surprised disapproval lurking behind the question.
“I'm being very gentle,” they assured him, pausing in their search nonetheless.
Ateya chose not to be forthcoming. If these two could be cryptic and mysterious then she should be allowed as much, too.
“Just get the rest of it overwith,” she grouched, avoiding eye contact.
Hesitantly, Ava returned to their search, patting down Ateya's legs while she coughed and snorted and huffed.
Leonidas watched her carefully, squinting at her as the search completed.
“Did you find anything?” he asked Ava as soon as they were done.
“-sngffh!- No, boss, -sngkfh!- she's clear,” they confirmed, snuffling and snorting as they stood up.
Leonidas rose, setting his book down and stalking over to the two of them, eyeing Ateya curiously the entire way.
“What?” she demanded, crossing her arms as her cheeks grew hot under the scrutiny.
Leonidas said nothing. He circled her, appraisingly, and once he was out of her line of sight he reached out and pinched her side.
An unsuppressable giggle burst from her lips, and she smacked a hand over her mouth, stepping away as if the man was made of fire.
He grinned, the same self-satisfied grin that had crossed his face when he'd finally gotten a story out of her earlier.
“She's ticklish,” he concluded, looking to Ava. “That's why she's been avoiding being searched.”
If Ava had any thoughts or judgements about this, it was impossible to read on their face. He gave Leonidas a single nod of acknowledgement.
“Anyway, while I thank you for your story and your assistance in righting the mess you'd made of the place, it is still after hours, and I believe this marks your time to go,” the librarian said then, turning his attention back to Ateya. “You're free to leave.”
Ava helpfully opened one of the large wooden doors, as if to show her out.
Fuming and embarrassed, Ateya made for the door directly, but before passing through it she hesitated.
Somehow, despite the chaos and the strangeness of the place, or maybe because of that, she didn't feel done with it yet.
“Can I come back?” she asked, turning to Leonidas. “If I think of better stories to tell?”
Leonidas tilted his head, considering.
“Why? What is it you're interested in seeing?” he asked in return.
Ateya opened her mouth to respond and closed it again, shaking her head.
“I don't know. This place just...” she said, glancing back and staring up at the many rooms and other floors she hadn't had the chance to see. “It intrigues me. I'd like to take a look around, if you'd accept me as an actual guest.”
Leonidas's lips pressed into a line as he considered this, his own arms crossing now over his chest as he hummed impatiently.
“I don't usually allow free-roaming guests, much less ones who have a history of breaking the rules,” he said, squinting peevishly. “Most people approach with a specific topic in mind at least, if not an actual book they'd like to study or read.”
To Ateya's surprise, Ava cleared their throat to interject, getting the librarian's attention.
“Boss, if I could speak with you,” they requested. Leonidas looked at least as surprised as Ateya felt, but he acquiesced.
“One moment, please,” he said, stepping away with his gargoyle, the latter letting the door they'd been holding slowly close as they walked away.
Ateya leaned against it while the two of them had a hushed conversation on the opposite side of the room, until she eventually got distracted and sneaked over to the librarian's guest book to snoop through it.
Her name was spelled right. Leonidas actually had really beautiful handwriting for someone as stuck up and tightly wound—
“Put that down,” he said. Ateya jumped and did as she was told. She hadn't even noticed him approach.
He continued.
“Ava tells me you took very quickly to the classification system we've been employing here recently, and that you were quite respectful with the books,” he said.
“Okay...? and?” Ateya said, not sure what this had to do with anything.
“And, we're still switching over from our old methods of cataloguing in many of the library's upper levels,” he continued, obviously perturbed at having been interrupted. He pushed on regardless.
“You want to see more of the library. We could use the help.
Frankly, most of our patrons don't take such an interest in the collection itself as a whole, most are here to study or read something in particular, as mentioned.
Anyway, I propose something of a deal:
Your admittance, legitimate, only in the evenings and once Ava is present, on the grounds that you take nothing and submit to regular searches until proven trustworthy; in exchange for your assistance in reorganizing the stacks in the upper levels of the library's collection.
In this way, you are permitted to see much of the rest of the building and gain an intimate familiarity with its contents, and we get an extra set of hands to make quicker work of an ongoing and extensive project.”
Leonidas seemed quite pleased with his proposal, though Ateya had a few reservations. Just one, really.
“If I have to be chaperoned by tall dark and minerals the whole time then why do I need to be searched so regularly?” she said. Leonidas's lips pressed back into a line and he huffed an irritable sigh through his nose.
“Ava may need to step away or have their back turned from time to time. They are a gargoyle, not a babysitter,” he said. “If you required such constant supervision as to render a period of regular searches unnecessary, then we'd likely fare better without your aid. Unless you don't believe you can go longer than ten minutes without getting yourself into trouble?”
Ateya crossed her arms and thought it over. She didn't need to think very long.
She really wanted to see the rest of this building, and she was now extremely curious about its two stewards. Being searched hadn't been too bad, anyway. She was ticklish, which was embarrassing and stupid, but Ava had kept it respectful and the entire search was done in less than two minutes.
“Alright, fine. But I get to read anything I want,” she said.
Leonidas sighed once more through his nose, exasperated.
“You may read whatever you come across while reorganizing. Some areas of the library remain off limits and you may not read anything found there,” he specified.
“And I get to pick which nights I come,” she added.
“Naturally,” was his response.
Ateya's first inclination was to keep pushing for more, just to see what else she could get out of it, but she realized that there wasn't really anything else that she wanted that hadn't explicitly been addressed already to one degree or another.
She stuck out her hand to shake.
“You've got a deal,” she said.
Leonidas shook on it.
His hand was startlingly warm for a person who'd been so chilled so recently, and Ateya wondered if he hadn't in fact already gotten a cold from it—but he wouldn't have spiked a fever so suddenly, would he?
“Good. I'll be seeing you whenever it is that you see it fit to return,” he said. “In the meanwhile, it has gotten quite late, and if I don't get some rest I'm going to be quite impossible to speak with tomorrow. Goodnight! Ava?”
The gargoyle flew lightly back over and resumed their post at the door, opening it for Ateya to leave through.
She paused once more just before stepping through the doorway, looking at them, briefly scanning their face for any inkling of why they'd stepped in and spoken up for her.
She found nothing. They were completely unreadable.
“Thanks,” she said anyway, then stepped out and down the steps, and out onto the street.
Trapped in a tight space with a giant sneezer who's about to blow their top, literally and figuratively. Imagine trying to make yourself smaller to accommodate their heaving chest as it intrudes more and more into what little space you have left, all while the buttons of their shirt hang on for dear life. Think about the last few hitches; breaths drawn so deep they finally pop the most stubborn of the buttons and send them ricocheting to their doom between your forehead and the wall. The sensation of space closing in around you as they take one final breath contrasted with the sudden freedom of the open air once they finally unleash the sneeze that's been bothering them for so long, decimating their erstwhile prison and sending anything in the way flying.
I decided to bite the bullet and try my hand at snz art. They're pretty low effort sketches, but I'll improve over time. For now though Florian gets to be my victim. Hope you enjoy.
In which a greedy dragon takes note of his bride's incredible magical abilities and begins to foster affection for him.
Previous Chapters:
The Dragon and his Bride (1/?) (M/M)
The Dragon and his Bride (2/?) (M/M)
Warning: continued overuse of the word 'bride'. Magical sneezing and unwilling transformation
Gigantic sneezes ensue
——————————
Magic thrummed through the air as a portal opened in the pastures just outside the small town of Patchborough.
A young man with fiery red hair rushed through, planting well made boots onto the grassy knoll for the first time… ever.
It had been a month of rigorous social etiquette drills, but Argos had finally sufficiently met his bride’s expectations required to leave the den and begin their search. His initial excitement was swiftly tempered once he stepped through the rift, abandoning the warmth of his home and meeting the cold, damp air of the evening. Though his bride had taken special care to dress him appropriately for the evening chill, nothing could have prepared Argos for the plunge of cold air that met his newly softened skin.
It was darker than he had ever remembered it being. Far more desolate too. Argos had expected the golden glow of fires peaking through windows and the ambient sounds of the late night tavern crowd drinking and conversing with one another. He had expected houses and buildings, yet he found himself standing in a wide open stretch of pasture by a dirt road that appeared to be seldom traveled. Had his bride transported them so far out of town by some error?
Florian exited the portal shortly after carrying a small bag in tow. The Drake King turned to his bride to request (demand, really) an explanation when he noticed his bride’s vacant expression. Argos, who had by then become well accustomed to that face, stepped aside, giving the sorcerer a wide berth. His bride's nose twitched, once, twice…
Wind and magical force tore through the quiet countryside, flattening wild growing flowers and grasses and errant bits of fencing.
The answer came to Argos at once. His bride had placed them there intentionally. He hovered by Florian’s side, waiting and watching, until it became clear there would be no further sneezes for the time being. Florian grabbed his hand and began to drag Argos through the darkness of the night, doggedly walking in one direction. They had walked hand in hand in silence for the better part of 20 minutes with only Florian's intuition to guide them before Argos struck up converation.
“Sweet bride, lovely bride, why the long walk?” he asked, despite knowing well enough why. Bored of silence, he decided that pestering his bride would be his best option for entertainment.
“Would you have rathered I sneezed in town?” Florian scoffed.
Argos smiled at his bride’s mildly annoyed cadence. He only recently began to take pleasure in hearing the different intricacies of his bride’s voice and expressions; though they couldn’t see each other well, it delighted him that he could practically hear Florian’s eyes roll.
“That aside, the walk will lend more credence to our little story; ‘A wealthy young lord and his spouse travelling together, interested in procuring interesting magical items for his collection’,” his bride continued.
“I remember you saying that the wealthy travel in coaches drawn by horses? Wouldn’t appearing in town on foot count against us?” Argos inquired.
“Then, what a pity it is that their coach was destroyed just outside of town by some mysterious creature.” Florian offered, “That should keep some of the townguard out of the way while we endear ourselves to the relevant parties.”
Argos nodded in agreement. After he took a moment to think over his bride’s words his brow furrowed in confusion.
“But there isn't a coach?”
“Oh, they’ll find one nonetheless,” Florian waved away his concerns, “you needn’t worry.”
Soon enough the pair entered the town of Patchborough. The moment they crossed the town’s threshold Florian tucked himself into Argos’ side, draping the Drake King's arm across his shoulders. The flush that crept up his face went unnoticed by his bride as they quietly plodded through the sleepy town’s streets.
Florian breezed through the dark streets of Patchborough as though he had walked its streets many times before. Argos marvelled at his bride's efficiency as Florian pulled him into an inn, secured them a room, and dragged him into it in record breaking time.
To Argos, the room was quite small, especially compared to his own grandiose den.
The walls barren of any decoration. There was only one bed, and no piles of silver or gold to speak of. It’s only saving grace was the fireplace, which housed a cheerful blaze that fought against the cold of the night air. As Florian busied himself with neatly putting away the bits and bobs they’d brought along, Argos drew close to the hearth and held his hands up to the warmth of the fire. His fingers, which had grown cold and stiff during their walk to the small town, yielded to the gentle heat of the flame. This was a treasured feeling; the familiarity of the fire’s warmth bringing the transformed Drake King comfort. He pushed his hands further and further into the hearth, until they were practically wrapped in flame alongside the coals. Argos relished the pleasing sensation.
The crackling coal in the fireplace amused Argos, and so he plucked a red-hot coal from amidst the fire to cradle in his palms. It was only once he started playing with this still burning piece of coal that Argos felt his bride’s hand grasp his shoulder.
“What on earth are you doing?” Florian asked, exasperated.
“Warming myself by the fire? It's a perfectly normal human activity, isn’t it?” Argos answered.
His bride pinched the bridge of his nose, massaging the sensitive flesh, bone and cartilage that resided there.
“Warming yourself is perfectly normal, dear husband, yes. Playing with flaming coal on the other hand…” Florian sighed, gesturing to the ball of fire cupped in Argos’ hands, “ ... is not.”
Argos paused rolling the coal about his hands long enough for the fire to sputter out, leaving the glowing ember behind. His bride winced and prodded the coal back into the hearth with a poker.
“Doesn’t that hurt at all?” Florian asked curiously as he took Argos’ hands into his own and began to inspect them by the firelight. The warm glow of the fire bathed Florian in a wondrous golden light, making Argos truly appreciate his bride’s looks for the first time. His bride’s skin and eyes reflected the gold of the firelight.
His hair, once a cascading sheet of dark silk, had now been done in a long, loose braid. It was well kept, and glimmered in the firelight like a crow’s iridescent feathers. Amazement at his own foolishness clouded his mind as Argos realized he had kept his bitterness over his lack of a princess bride for so long he had never stopped to consider the beauty of the bride who willingly attached himself to him.
“Argos?”
Ah, right. His bride had asked him a question.
“No; no it doesn’t hurt,” Argos said quietly, “ it was actually quite nice.”
“That's a relief.”
Florian’s sigh of relief did something strange to Argos’ heart. He chose to ignore that feeling as his bride beckoned for him to wash away the soot that now coated his hands.
After washing up, Argos was met with the sight of his bride sitting in bed. Their eyes met for a brief, awkward moment before Florian patted the unoccupied side of the bed next to him.
“Are you just going to stand there?” his bride asked, raising an eyebrow. “Come, rest.”
Argos tentatively accepted his bride’s invitation, crossing the room and perching on the edge of the bed opposite Florian.
“We… share the bed?”
“Most married couples do, yes.” Florian supplied, “That and I didn’t think it wise to leave you by your lonesome in another room.”
His bride had been uncharacteristically charitable enough to not blatantly point out the issues that could have arisen from Argos playing with fire. Argos huffed indignantly, but chose not to defend himself.
Florian settled beneath the blankets,
“We’ll have a lot to get done tomorrow, so please, try to get some sleep.”
-----------
Argos woke to the sight of watery, squinty, ice-gray eyes fluttering a few inches from his own golden ones. Over the course of the night, Argos had practically wrapped himself around his bride, restricting Florian’s ability to move away.
It was a perfectly normal habit for dragons to sleep atop their hoard, but it seemed his unconscious self had been unable to tell the difference between his treasures and his bride.
He was about to extricate himself from the tangled mess of limbs and sheets to give Florian room to breathe when he suddenly felt gentle hands bracing against his back. Argos froze as Florian pulled him close. His sorcerer bride’s chest pushed against his body, heaving with impossible amounts of air, as his hands fought to keep him as close as possible in a battle for some sort of strange equilibrium.
Worry momentarily crossed the Drake King’s mind as his bride’s rapidly building sneeze promised to be especially massive. Their current shelter was quite flimsy compared to his den and mountain, and if his sneezy bride could blast through layers upon layers of mountain stone, Argos could only fear for the continued integrity of the inn.
He never got to voice his concerns however, as his bride buried his face in his chest and erupted.
“HHHHHRRRRMMMMMMPPPPTTTTSSSCCCHHHHHHH!!
MMMMMPPPPPFTTSSCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
HHHHAAAHHD’MMMMMMMPPPPPFSSCHHHHH!!!”
Argos felt his core turn to jelly as his bride loosed three massive, muffled sneezes into his chest. A surge of warmth overtook him as the room around them seemingly trembled from the force. His bride took in another gasping, strangled breath before unleashing another.
A wordless sigh of bliss escaped from Argos’ throat, made otherwise inaudible by the muffled expulsion that yet again caused the room to shake. The warmth of the nullification magic blossomed and coiled deliciously within his body as his sneezy bride continued to hold him tight.
They lay together for a tense moment; Argos holding his breath for hope of another sneeze while Florian tried desperately to corral his own. It was the first time Argos had ever seen his bride fight so desperately to not sneeze.
Pressure mounted between the two as Florian hitched and hitched and hitched towards an imminent expulsion despite his best efforts. Argos contemplated giving his bride some aid by using his own hands to try to rub the itch away. Then upon remembering the events of the avalanche that ended with him becoming his bride’s glorified handkerchief, he summarily discarded the idea.
The pair, the bed, the windows, and the room all around them shook with the release more violently than before. Florian released his death grip on Argos, who imagined if not for his presence their room, and perhaps even the inn itself, would have been blasted apart from his dear bride’s explosive fit. As they collected themselves and pulled away from each other, Argos savored the fading warmth of the spell.
Florian blew his nose heartily, now sitting up at the edge of the bed, his back turned to Argos. The Drake King pouted at his bride’s lack of attention, until he realized that he too could needle his bride about a lack of propriety.
“Good morning to you too, my lovely bride.” Argos purred, a smug grin plastered across his face.
Florian tensed before gingerly looking over his shoulder back at him, much to Argos’ immense satisfaction
“SNDF! Good morning.” Florian sniffled as he brought his handkerchief right back up to his face to tend to his nose.
“Deepest apologies Argos, you didn’t deserve to wake up to that.” He mumbled through the handkerchief as he massaged his nose.
Argos lay stunned at his bride’s apology. He simply hadn't expected it and was left dumbfounded by the sudden lack of material for taunting his poor bride.
“It’s… um, it’s no trouble, really.”
A polite knock sounded at their door, breaking a brief but palpable silence.
Florian rose to answer it, allowing a young maid to scurry in with a covered tray behind a set of drawn curtains.
“Terribly sorry we’re a bit late bringing up the tray, m’lord. The tremors knocked us over, and we had to send for a new pot to brew your tea. It won’t happen again, I’m sure.” The maid apologized as she set up the previously obscured breakfast table.
“You’re fine. You couldn’t have foreseen that happening. There’s no need to apologize.” Florian stated plainly.
Argos sat and watched with interest as the young lady hurriedly set up the dishes before backing away from the table and sinking into a slight curtsey.
“Will you and your husband require the full service m’lord?”
“That won’t be necessary, but thank you for asking.” Florian replied, sliding the maid a gold piece as she scuttled out of the room and back downstairs. Argos shot a confused look at the door and then at his bride.
“M’lord???” He mimicked.
“Oh, don’t start.” Florian grumbled, “Remember our 'story'? This is how people with ‘Lordships’ are treated around here.”
His bride settled into a chair and beckoned for Argos to come over to the table.
“They, thankfully, don’t have the resources to verify, but given what was spent securing this room the innkeeper will turn a blind eye to our business as long as we don’t cause her trouble.”
“Trouble?” Argos chuckled, as he took a seat, “You mean like sneezing so violently the earth shakes?”
“That’s not something they can trace back to me.” Florian muttered as he split open a hot roll and buttered its insides. “Also, I'd advise you to keep your comments to yourself unless you’d like to experience a reprisal of that fit very soon.”
As tempted as Argos was to continue pressing his bride’s buttons, he couldn’t have Florian catch on that he had actually started to enjoy his fits. Instead, he chose to steer the conversation another way.
“What do you mean they can't trace it to you? Have you done something crafty?” He pivoted.
“I cast a privacy spell when we first entered this room last night. You can never be sure who’s listening or why.” Florian explained. “The spell ensures that no sound exits this room; not even the smallest peep or the loudest roar can be heard from beyond t-this door.”
His bride’s breath caught as he spoke, causing Argos’ heartrate to skyrocket. Then came the nose twitch that heralded a violent storm on the horizon. His bride knuckled the underside of his nose to chase away the mounting urge, sighing.
“SNdF! SNDFf!! My apologies. I’d give you a demonstration, but I don’t believe the building would survive it.”
Florian put his bread aside and buried his nose in his handkerchief once more.
Argos considered his bride with a wary eye. Shouldn’t the itch have died down by now?
“Treasured bride, I know you’ve already warned me about my comments regarding your… situation, but shouldn’t it have resolved by now?” Argos inquired.
“Until I get to clear my nose, that won't be possible.” Florian continued massaging his nose through his handkerchief, “and that won't be possible while we’re in town. Unless, of course, you’d have me flatten a few buildings in the process?”
Argos had no real stake or interest in the continued structural integrity of Patchborough, but elected to keep that comment to himself.
The pair ate in relative silence as Florian tried to keep his sniffling to a minimum.
As they ate, Argos watched his bride’s struggle with rapt attention. Each inhale pulled at Argos’ hair and the vase of ornamental grasses on the table. His bride’s nose twitched and flared with an increasingly pressing need to unleash the tickle it had been brewing. Soon, Argos began to worry about the storm on the horizon growing within his bride.
-----------
The itch continued to plague Florian for the remainder of the morning, and as time progressed Argos’s wariness developed into dread. There would be no clues to find the treasure they sought if his sneezy bride blew the town away, which seemed an increasingly certain possibility. He tried to convince his stubborn bride to 'clear his nose' in the fields they had passed through on their way to Patcheborough. Despite Argos' pleas, however, for better or worse, his bride’s boldness would be the deciding factor in whether to continue about the planned events for the day regardless of the building storm within him. Florian forded on, despite the steadily growing itch, dragging Argos to the guardhouse to make their official report about their ‘monster encounter’ the previous night, against his better wishes.
There they met the captain of the guard, a stern looking man with eyebrows so thick they almost covered his eyes entirely. Yet despite his outward appearance, he spoke to them with a kindness Argos hadn’t expected and mobilized practically the entire guard force in search of their ‘missing retinue and coach’.
This was how Argos found himself seated next to his ticking time bomb of a bride in an enclosed carriage across from the captain of the townguard, riding towards a ruined coach he knew didn’t exist. Just like that, he had been condemned to sit on pins and needles all throughout the carriage ride as they and 20 other guardsmen approached a stretch of road wholly unfamiliar to Argos.
“Ah, Lord Argente! There’s no need to look so tense; the guard regiment of Patchborough may be small, but we’re quite capable.” The captain said as they approached their destination, “I promise you, your retinue and travelling provisions are as good as found with us!”
“My apologies, I’m just afraid something might have happened to them. My bride and I have been worried sick since we made it to your town.” Argos lied, “ We barely managed to escape ourselves…”
His bride had coached him on what to say before, but speaking to a stranger who could catch him in the lie at any moment made Argos uneasy.
Worse, he couldn’t count on Florian for aid, as his attention had been entirely occupied fending off the monstrous sneeze building within him. The captain looked between them strangely, leading Argos to worry he had already err’d.
“Bride?” The captain asked curiously.
“Yes. He married into my family, and thus this little dove here is my bride.” Argos smiled tersely, “It's a… cultural thing where I’m from. I don't expect you to understand.”
The captain nodded sagely.
“No, no, perish the thought! I only sought to know what you meant.”
The carriage lurched to a stop in the middle of a decently maintained road. The captain exited first and began directing his men to secure the area. Argos and Florian remained in the carriage for a few moments longer. Now free from the captain’s scrutiny Argos directed a deeply worried glance at his bride. There was no real point in asking the questions on his mind such as ‘Are you going to be ok?’ or ‘How are we going to get through this without looking suspicious?’, as his bride had long since passed the point of no return with the itch, compromising his ability to speak. He imagined that if his bride could truly see his expression, he’d have been met with an eye roll or an admonishing glare. This time there was nothing.
Florian’s face was the perfect picture of tightly held control. The serenity of his appearance was but an illusion that belied a fiercely waged war for control over the tumult of magic induced sneezes swirling inside him.
The captain of the guard gently knocked on the side of the carriage, startling Argos from his reverie.
“The area is now secure, m’lord. If you and your bride could give us some pointers as to where your coach may have last been seen, it would be greatly appreciated.”
“Yes, of course.” Argos gingerly stepped out of the carriage, pulling on Florian’s sleeve to get him to follow. His bride held his forearm for support as Argos gently guided him out of the carriage. The air itself seemed to tense as Florian’s boots touched the ground.
His bride’s mirror-like eyes squinted open the tiniest sliver as he subtly nodded his head in the direction he wanted Argos to send the guardsmen.
Argos picked up his meaning immediately, waving to the guards to get their attention.
“I remember now, I think it was this way!” He called as he began to lead the guards into the dense brush. The captain rallied his men, leaving two of them at the roadside to safeguard their entrance as the other guards drew their shortswords and began to cut through the brush. It took a good while of cutting and carving through plants for them to discover what they’d been looking for.
Though Argos had been shocked to actually find a coach in the middle of the forested undergrowth, he made sure not to show it. The coach was staged perfectly, turned over on its side with terrifyingly long and deep scratch marks running along its side. Argos cast a glance at his bride, finding him still preoccupied with the itch, but understanding that their find had been Florian’s doing. He cast a silent prayer of appreciation to the gods that everything had turned out so smoothly.
The guardsmen converged on the coach immediately to investigate, sparing Argos from trying to explain what might have happened. As they poked about the wreckage, the captain of the guards clapped Argos and Florian on the back convivially.
“If everything turns up this easy, we may find your retinue before dinner! Sit tight, and let us investigate a bit more.” He said, before striding over to his subordinates to aid in their efforts.
The sudden physical contact stirred something within Florian, whose expression collapsed near instantly into a sneezy grimace. Argos, who noticed the sudden change immediately, began to take slow, deliberate steps away from the site and positioned himself behind his bride, unwilling to be caught up in the danger-zone. For a brief moment, the surrounding plants and trees bowed in unison towards the couple, which went largely unnoticed by the guards.
Unfortunately for them, it was the only warning they would get.
Initially, Argos could only think to assure his own safety, grabbing onto his bride amidst the violent tremors Florian had caused in a bid to not fall over. The fluttering tickle that tormented him for so long devastated the woods and its adjacent road; the blast dispelled the illusion, tearing through the trees and underbrush, snapping or uprooting the more resilient trees and tumbling them over one another, creating an impassable blockade. When the dust settled, all that was left of the copse they had wandered into was bare earth dotted with pits where the trees once were, along with a number of doves.
Argos’ eyes widened as they zipped back to the out of place birds. There must have been twenty of them all told of various sizes and plumages; some plain, others with lovely crests, and one that looked particularly gallant with a crown of rough feathers that almost obscured its eyes.
“...You’ve turned them into doves.” Argos stated, slight horror tinging the edges of his words.
“Hm?” Florian hummed, not truly paying attention as he blew away the last vestiges of the itch.
Argos grabbed his bride just below the shoulders to command Florian’s attention and turned his body to face him, pulling his bride closer to try to convey the direness of the situation.
“You. turned. them. into. doves.” He repeated pressingly. “ We are in the middle of nowhere, and you’ve turned the guard regiment of this small human village into doves.”
Florian blinked slowly, and sighed as he brushed away Argos’ grip.
“Mhm, yes. Now we can proceed unimpeded.” Florian replied calmly. “Help me gather them up, would you? They’ll make a good present for our first callee.”
“A present?! Are you mad?!” Argos panicked. “What if they change back?!!”
“As I’m sure you’ve realized, my magic is quite long lasting. If I don’t turn them back they’ll be stuck like this.” His bride rebutted as he plucked what was once the captain of the guard from the ground and placed him in a basket.
“It's not like we can go and visit the lord who presides here without a gift.”
“We were the people last seen with the guards! Wouldn’t be incredibly suspicious if we returned without them and they never came back!?” Argos demanded. This was a serious situation, and his bride’s nonchalant attitude left much to be desired.
“It would indeed, dear husband. But ‘we’ have been seen all over town today, and the guard went out on routine patrol to find a monster. No one went with them.” Florian shrugged.
“...What?” Argos stood dumbfounded by the outright falsehood.
He watched as his bride pulled out a small hand mirror from the basket he’d been carrying before giving the glass a tap. The image in the mirror shimmered like disturbed water before resolving into a crystal clear image of the pair of them walking about the markets near the inn. Their copies chatted with the townspeople enthusiastically and engaged in commerce, haggling for better prices. It was so realistic that if Argos hadn’t personally experienced long-lasting dread and anticipation of his bride’s eruption, he might have called his own memory into question.
“How are you doing that?” He asked in awe.
“It’s easy, just a simple series of spells I cast before we slept last night.” his bride explained.
That, in hindsight, explained the violent fit he had woken up to.
“Do you see now? There’s nothing to worry about; now help me gather these birds.”
Argos readily complied.
Soon enough they had collected the entire flock. As Argos gently placed the last bird in the basket, Florian laid a prepared cloth over their heads to keep them calm.
They sat in silence for a moment, though Argos soon broke it after he began to find it unbearable.
“At risk of you turning me into one of these things,” he began, gesturing to the basket of birds, “ how are you able to do all of this? I mean, casting these spells without anyone noticing? It must be a celebrated talent, no?”
“A fair amount of practice and skill. Anyone could if they put their heart into it.” His bride answered non-commitally. Florian's response, curt and to the point, left Argos confused. Why not take the opportunity to laud one's own accomplishments?
“Are you ready to leave?” His bride picked up the basket and walked over to a tree fortunate enough to have survived the initial blast.
“Yes, I suppose so.” Argos replied quietly.
Florian inscribed a sigil on the tree trunk, opening a small portal to their room at the inn. He handed the basket to Argos, ushering him through the rift. Once his feet were comfortably situated on the solid wood floor, Argos turned back to the rift and extended his hand for his bride to take, only to be a bit disappointed when Florian refused.
“I’ll be staying out a while longer.” His bride didn't meet his eyes as he said it. Argos wondered if he had somehow offended his bride as Florian backed away from the rift and went out of sight. Try as he might to press against the membranous portal and rejoin him, Argos could not follow.
He received partial reassurance as Florian erupted suddenly beyond his view, decimating more trees and causing the faintest tremor to rattle the town.
Guests of the inn and residents of Patchborough would groan, confused as to the sudden onset of continuous small earthquakes they’d received that day. They had no idea that they would soon come to wish those tremors had continued.
This is a silly fic that possessed me for the couple of hours it took to write it. Tldr; a theme park regularly hosts a 'contest' for giant sneezers to test their containment facilities and regularly broadcasts the live audience footage as a sort of gameshow. Little did the broadcasters know, such competitions can quickly get out of hand when one person is determined to win above all else.
1.9k words, gigantic sneezes and destructive sneezes are all below the cut.
“Ladies, Gentlemen and Friends! It’s your favourite host, Gal Gallentine and we’re here at Wacky Wally’s Wonderland. It’s time for everyone’s favourite segment: RAISE! THE! ROOF!!!” Gal hyped the crowd. Deafening cheers shook the arena as Gal made a show of cupping her ear towards the crowd, inciting the audience to somehow scream louder. After a few minutes of raucous cheering and screaming, the audience subsided and Gal continued.
“Wacky Wally’s has thrown the gauntlet: anyone who can blast the indestructible Rubberhose Funhouse’s roof at least 20ft above its rafters will receive the fabulous prize of $15000.00, and an all inclusive vacation package of a 3 nights stay for two at Wacky Wally’s Wonderworld Resorts*(terms and conditions apply) .”
Gal gestured to a screen with the competition’s instructions as the crowd ooh’d and aah’d over the prize.
“Now, put your hands together for our contestants! Tessa Tempesti, Archie Açiu, and Chelsea Flores!!!”
The audience roared with excitement as the three contestants stepped on stage.
“Now, here’s the rub,” Gal wrapped her arms around the contestants conspiratorially, “each of you will step into a fun house with a catalyst of your choice. All you gotta do to win is give us your best big bad wolf impression and huff, and puff, and blow so hard you Raise The Roof™.”
The contestants looked amongst each other and nodded. The rules were simple enough: may the best man win.
The stage opened in sections behind them, whirring to life as the droning of machinery brought the audience’s attention to the slowly rising Rubberhose Funhouses, each painted an idyllic picket fence white with a bright red scalloped roof. Gal led each contestant to their requisite doors, allowing them to type their ‘catalyst’ into her tablet. A drum roll sounded throughout the arena signalling the contestants to head inside their funhouse.
“Let’s give our lovely competitors a rousing round of applause as they try to Raise the Roof!”
“First up: Tessaaa Tempesti~! And her catalyst is…” Gal paused for dramatic effect, “...Feathers!”
The arena jumbo-tron lit up, showing Tessa looking about the funhouse’s interior. The Rubberhose Funhouse suddenly lit up, the front door shifted and clunk’d revealing a massive party cannon inches from Tessa’s shocked face. The audience outside howled with laughter as the funhouse’s camera shook with a gentle pomf! as the cannon filled the funhouse’s interior wall to wall with pristine, downy feathers.
“HH? HHH’HHHHHH-?! HHHHHHHHHHHHHH—!!!” Tessa hitched, suctioning the house’s exits inwards.
They quieted down once the funhouse began to tremble.
“Looks like Tessa’s about to show us a real storm!” Gal exclaimed, “But can she Raise The Roof ?!”
The Rubberhose Funhouse inflated around its center for a brief moment before readily snapping back into shape. Its windows, now rattled out of alignment, opened readily and poured out a truly incredible amount of feathers, but the structure was overall no worse for wear.
The funhouse sank back beneath the stage as Gal reclaimed her mic.
“It seems our forecast was wrong… but then again, the Rubberhose Funhouse is specially designed to weather any storm that comes its way.” Gal winked towards the cameras.
“Now, moving on to our next contestant: Archieee Açiu~! Let's see if he lives up to his name!”
The jumbo-tron feed cut to Archie who nervously looked about the funhouse; his eyes particularly trained on the front door.
“And the Catalyst? Dust!” Gal announced as she took her leave from the stage.
The Rubberhose Funhouse’s rafters slid open, revealing a massive shaker filled to the brim with dust. An animatronic hand came down from the ceiling and attempted to grab the shaker but only succeeding in tipping it over, spilling dust all over Archie.
“HHHHHHAAAAAAAACCCCHHHHHHIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Archie erupted practically immediately, shaking the stage and causing the funhouse to balloon into an absurd shape. Yet, the roof stayed firmly atop the Rubberhose Funhouse as the dust continued to circulate in opaque grey clouds. Archie devolved into a terrible fit as the funhouse sank beneath the stage, continually making it and the platform tremble until he had been placed out of sight and out of mind..
“Looks like Mr. Açiu’s ‘achoos’ couldn’t quite get him to Raise the Roof. But we’re in luck my friends, as we have one. final. contestant…” Gal declared emphatically.
The jumbo-tron cut to the final contestant standing.
“Chelseaaaa Flores~!”
The crowd cheered as Chelsea waved at them through the funhouse’s camera.
“Now this is fun! Chelsea Flores’ chosen catalyst is… Flowers! ” Gal hyped the crowd as she began to tiptoe off stage, “Let's see if Mx. Flores can Raise the Roof!”
An animatronic hand shot up from the funhouse floor bearing an incredibly grand bouquet of flowers. Sticking it practically beneath Chelsea’s nose. They gracefully claimed the arrangement ladened with ragweed, sunflowers, daisies, lilies and amaranth, stepping backwards with the flowers in tow, placing themself against the back wall of the funhouse as they took in a long, deep breath.
Then they drew another great inhale, and another; with every sniff, the bouquet grew more and more disordered and Chelsea grew sneezier and sneezier.
Each hitch drew the walls of the Rubberhose Funhouse closer and closer to Chelsea. Their sneezy gasps vacuuming the rubber walls inwards, towards them. The windows imploded, squeezed out of their casements as the door began to warp towards its doom. Their mounting hitches were so forceful, audience members seated closest to the stage would later swear up and down that they had felt a force pulling them out of their seats towards the stage.
Gal uncharacteristically had nothing to say as she silently slid towards the funhouse in terror. Each time she slid across the stage was in perfect tandem with Chelsea’s gasps.
Then, suddenly, everything stopped. All eyes snapped to the jumbo-tron, revealing an intense close-up of Chelsea’s face. Beneath their nose was the animatronic hand that had brought the flowers. It was stuck in such a way that the pressure had held back the rapidly advancing sneeze for a few precious moments.
Gal and the audience collectively breathed a sigh of relief as the vortex-like inhales stalled. Casual observation of the Rubberhose Funhouse revealed the structure had all but collapsed in on itself. Even if Chelsea didn’t erupt, the funhouse would be of no use in the future.
The Rubberhose Funhouse ballooned suddenly as its sole occupant launched forwards with the beginnings of a titanic blast. Gal flew forward, catapulted into a giant animatronic hand that had popped up to catch her. The door to the funhouse (and the camera on it) was blasted off its hinges, flying off to god knows where as the first few rows of the audience winced from the blowback.
The roof exploded off of the Rubberhose Funhouse as Chelsea detonated. The entire arena shook with the force of their sneeze. Gal, ever professional, immediately zeroed in on to the roof soaring through the air.
“Folks, I never thought I’d see the day when somebody finally managed to Raise The Roof. Let's switch over to camera 4 to see just how high she flies.”
20ft, 50ft, 100ft, the funhouse’s roof flew past every drone camera the production had placed, maxing out at a height of over 130ft before it began its slow, sad descent back onto its base. The red scalloped roof of the Rubberhose Funhouse settled crookedly on to a foundation that no longer fit. The walls now sagged and drooped towards the stage floor, wholly stretched out of shape.
Wacky Wally’s indestructible Rubberhose Funhouse had suffered its only defeat since the inception of Raise The Roof and its loss had been thorough.
“Ladies, Gents and Friends, the uncontested winner of today’s Raise The Roof segment is Chelsea Flores!” Gal announced. Polite, but subdued, applause rippled through the audience as they recovered from the shock. Gal was about to try to work her magic to revitalize the crowd when they heard it.
The hitching had begun again.
Murmurs of confusion rippled through the arena as the closest audience members to the stage began to feel the pull of Chelsea’s inhales. The funhouse began to contract around Chelsea like an overwound spring.
“Do we think they’re already trying to break their record?” Gal tried to ease the tension with a quick quip.
Chelsea erupted once more, utterly destroying the funhouse around them. Only the roof was spared, launched into the sky like the world's least explosive firework. Everything in the arena felt the force of the blast as typhoon force winds buffeted the audience. Toupes, wigs, bags, and scarves went flying on the gust, a minor sacrifice for the audience members who owned them to remain seated as the ground beneath them quaked.
Once the storm of a sneeze had finally passed, all eyes locked on to Chelsea Flores who stood with an almost pleased look on their face. The ‘Raise The Roof’ contestant proudly pointed up at the scalloped rubber roof, which now clung to the dome of the arena.
“W-well folks, Mx. Flores Raised the Roof a whopping 155ft in total. That was certainly a… showstopper?” Gal tried to wrap up the segment when she saw something that made her face fall with quiet dread. Chelsea was still on stage, hands on their hips with a smile pulling at the corners of their lips. Their nose flexed and flared as they began to hitch towards a truly massive sneeze.
“Anywaysthat'sourshowseeyanexttime! Runrunrun-RUN!!” Gal hurriedly signed off as she leapt off the animatronic hand that had kept her safe and booked it towards the exit. The arena’s crowd followed after her in helter-skelter fashion, unwilling to be caught up in the blast-zone of what would be Chelsea’s uncontained expulsion.
As the arena rapidly emptied of people, Chelsea Flores hitched, and hitched, and hitched towards new heights. Their ragged inhales dragged the first few rows of chairs out of alignment, ripping up wrought iron seating and drawing it towards them inch by stuttering inch. Chelsea had become an itchy, hitchy, twitchy singularity from which nothing could escape as they heaved towards their final sneeze.
Interviews after the debacle would see members from the crowd that day claim they witnessed the arena shrink in on itself in time with each titanic gasp as they tried to escape, much to the disbelief of those who would read the papers later.
What everyone would agree on, was that Wacky Wally’s Wonderland had unintentionally created a powder-keg of epic proportions in Chelsea Flores, and carelessly allowed their fuse to light. In the panic and rush to escape rides stopped, food carts shuttered and park goers flooded out the exits.
Within the arena, Chelsea heaved one final massive breath before erupting with fabled force.
For the first time in ‘Raise The Roof’ history, a contestant not only raised the roof on a Rubberhose Funhouse, but on the entire arena itself. Onlookers watched in shock as the crystal clear dome of the arena was launched skyward, clearing several hundred feet in a matter of seconds. Chelsea’s blast was so incredibly massive that not even the park had been spared. The shockwaves rushed through the arena’s exits, toppling rides and collapsing stalls under the pressure.
In moments, Wacky Wally’s Wonderland had gained a definitive champion of ‘Raise the Roof' but had lost their park to that champion’s sheer explosiveness. The park could no longer be referred to as such in even the most generous terms, their grounds flattened to almost nothing.
At the epicenter of the destruction stood a satisfied Chelsea Flores. It had never really been about the prize, only the desire to see just how powerful their sneezes could be.