The Life & Musings

of Lady Beth Steinbeck

[bethsteinb-ck]

sometimes I wish I wasn’t the way I was, that I didn’t have to be asked and that I could be ok already.

but it takes a lot to remember that the man you thought you would marry didn’t want to marry you, has moved on because you left him

but you left because it was what was right, what was necessary, what was best.

Love is willing the good of the other - even when that good means you need to leave.

I just wish I was better.

[bethsteinb-ck]

Silence creates room for depth. - Ilse Sand

[bethsteinb-ck]

[bethsteinb-ck]

[bethsteinb-ck]

I’m actually so worried I’m going to hurt myself

if I don’t get what it is that I think I want

And as silly as this impending seems to be

I feel trapped and I don’t know what to do

I was here before

And I rage quit so much

I don’t want to do that again

[bethsteinb-ck]

Shuttered Up

My mind is like a house

a sprawling two floor french neoclassical

in the middle of a renovation

at any given moment

But these days

the second floor is boarded up

the pool has been drained

no music heard

from the garage-turned-studio

and I am here

sprawled on the basement floor

My cheek on the bare, grey concrete

listening to the dripping water

from the powder room of the first floor

There is a peace in this quiet,

but when the thundering rain comes

And it comes often

It’s echoes are much louder than before

when the house was filled with music

and laughter

and art

the carpeted floor drowning out the sounds of outside

Do I move out?

or can what is left still be salvaged?

This house has good bones

A waste to be

Shuttered up.

[bethsteinb-ck]

[bethsteinb-ck]

Post- August 7, 2021 Thoughts

[bethsteinb-ck]

I think it is worth mentioning

that I would sooner keep things

the way they are

than risk losing what we have

while you figure out what you want

than to suffer losing you

- who are half-sure, reluctant

Because I know

I love you

and I would sooner keep things

as they are

in the imperfect timing of it all

The truth is

I never stop thinking about you

I don’t wait for you to call anymore

but when you do

I want to stay at number two

on your phone list

and hear about all the other girls

that get to have parts of you

that I never will

Because I know

that this is the limit to what I get

that we work because

I am not your type

I am not attractive to you

I am all the things you don’t want, or need

and that is ok

because I am not here to cater to your whims

I am here

to listen to the stories

to pick apart the ideas

to sit with in the silence of an early dawn

I always will be

because this is what my heart wants

to hold space for you in its deepest recesses

I choose to

and there is no because.

[bethsteinb-ck]

I love you

Please love me

I promise

[bethsteinb-ck]

Read this for when he proposes to her

Remember that they deserve each other, and that she may be his wife now but she started as a rebound from his bruised and broken ego after you rejected him.

You rejected him.

And they are getting married now.

They are getting married now and you are still alone.

But wouldn’t you rather be alone, then live with the unshakeable feeling that your love - true as it may seem - is built on a foundation of lies?

You would rather be alone.

You would rather be alone than walk down the aisle with this feeling tugging at your heart - the truth - that he is standing there now because he ran away from his guilt then.

He loves you harder because he is fighting against his guilt. But what is love if it comes from guilt?

Because guilt always has a way of catching up to what runs from it, what fights it.

No matter how long he runs, his guilt will always catch up. No one can truly be at peace if they don’t realize they are running away from themselves.

What’s 50 years when eternity is waiting?

[bethsteinb-ck]

“Tiny can grow, broken can mend and a heart that is closed can be open again.”

- My Heart, Corinna Luyken

[bethsteinb-ck]

Life begins on the other side of despair. - Jean-Paul Sartre

[bethsteinb-ck]

Convincing yourself there is no way out of your misery is the basis of depression, and the difference between fear and despair.

[bethsteinb-ck]

Memorize me

the way you memorized Shakespeare.

The shape of my nose,

the beads of sweat on my brow on a hot summer day

Absorb the lines

on my lips, of my lips

Trace the outline of my gaze

piercing your soul, as pen blots paper

Memorize me

Before you forget

Me, vibrant color in the Before

Me, grayscale in the After

[wheregravityisdefied]

things I won’t tweet -

[bethsteinb-ck]

“What happens after?”

And I know now, in the after, that he wasn’t worth trusting. This boy who pretended to be a man. But isn’t. Not really.