Listen, there's something so insanely hot about being sat in a conversation between people who are clearly very smart, not even being able to even try to follow along, and knowing they fully know how slow you are in that moment. Like, I'm not a dumb person... all the time. But it's just a hot button for me and always has been to be sat there twirling my hair as my thoughts drift away as they keep blah, blah, blahing around me about something smarty pants and I just smile and nod back. Like I'm just there for decoration. They don't expect me to get involved in fact, they love when I'm confused and silent for a change. They think it's cute.
So last night after a weekend of intense shenanigans (we played fraction8 nearly 4 times) I was VERY fractionated still, and very easy. I'm sat in a vc with my wife and our friend. We play together a fair bit and safe to say I was in one of my subby moods. The two of them are science-y types and they were talking about some sort of biology thing (for context I failed bio and chem at high school as well as maths, it's not my jam).
My wife looked in the camera and shushed me. Placing her fingers on my lips always forces me to be quiet. As she holds her finger to the camera I lost the ability to speak. So here I am flustered and fractionated. Squirming in subby frustration at this. She's like "hey since we're going to talk about smart science things you can just smile, nod and look pretty okay?" I start to unravel a little at the idea. While it wasn't stated I should be getting dumber, I was very confused, my head started to spin a little. The last time such a thing was said to me was around 2018 when I was dumbed down in this same situation. Smart people talk while I, the total ditz can only listen to the smarty pants people talking to each other doing their smart things with their full brain. Now this alone would have done me in, however earlier in the call I picked up my tally counter, my personal clicker, the one that now thanks to this friend drops me into trance when I click it. Only for a second of course, not long enough sometimes but enough to get my brain fucked up after a while. He said "I know you haven't even thought about putting it down" and I thought about that for a second. He was right. I didn't want to and after explaining the difference between wanting to do something and actually doing that thing to me he said, "you know while we talk you can also just keep clicking yourself into trance, clicking your mind away." And that did me in. I knew the game was set.
So here I was clicking, fractionating myself, gasping in and out of trance. Each time I came up I'd see the finger pressed against my mouth. I couldn't say anything but just listen to the conversation. I don't know what they said, I couldn't follow it even if I tried really, really hard. It was a blur. At one point I heard my wife point out my adorable eye rolling but I don't eye roll. Well, not normally anyway. See, when I drop I just close my eyes, or fall with them open. Eye rolls only happen when I'm really fucked up and it seems I was giving that level of helpless in the facial department. I didn't even notice. I couldn't even notice. Ooof. Anyway after a while I came back up. My friend looks at me and he said, "click" I verbally repeat it back, unprompted as my finger pressed the button for him. My damn parroty brain just latched onto anything it could as my mind was just putty in their hands and it was awesome. Truly a good time had by all.
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