"Not as good as some, but better than most."
I was depressed for a while. Enough so that I think I forgot chunks of my life because of it. However, I remember the root cause of that, and that was because I cared a lot more about myself than I cared about others. Yet, I still used to look at others and compare them to myself.
"Why don't I have what they have?"
The what in this situation could be anything: money, cars, happiness, friends, etc.
I realized that I was always asking myself the same questions, and answering it with something that wasn't an answer, rather a feeling that served as a placeholder.
It took so long for me to realize that the further and further I tumbled into comparing myself to the world, the more and more I sank into that pit. Answering questions with envy, sadness, regret, and anger. I saw my self worth in what was not around me, in the where's that I've never been. I judged my life based on what I felt I should've had when.
And then there was a day where someone asked me how I was. An older gentleman, fresh off of the 105. It wasn't a game changer then, it was just passing conversation. Those talks that just glance off of you, and you respond with what you've always responded with. It's how you get those:
"Hey, how's your day going?"
Luckily, I was on point with the rock paper scissors game that is small talk. I responded with, "I'm okay. And yourself?" And he said, which I've yet to hear since then,
"Not as good as some, but definitely better than most."
This was recent, about 4 years or so ago, so I definitely had some time to grow. Which is probably why that was so profound. And when I got on the same 105, I thought. And thought. And I thought about that response. About the most he was better than.
I realized, almost in that moment, that I was so focused on the some I wasn't as good as (subjectively), I never paid attention to the most he, and I, were better than (also, subjectively). I mean, I'm broke, and some days were harder to bear than others, but at the very least, my problems, all of them, I'm lucky enough to deal with as an American. I'm lucky enough to be down on my luck, in a country billions of people aren't fortunate enough to be in.
And as time went on, I really started to appreciate the most that I was better than. On my days that I'm hungry, I know there are people out there starving. On the cold nights, I have walls.
I used to be so absorbed in what I wanted because others had, I didn't stop to realize that there are be people who want what I have. The chance to be depressed in America. A country that is so focused on the what's, we've stopped fostering individuality, over the more acceptable norm.
But I'm me, ya know? I was young. I didn't care about why I wanted it, which is a much more important question, I just cared why I didn't have it. Which may seem like the same question, but I know there are some of you that know those are two very different questions. So I broke the same questions down, piece by piece:
"Why don't I have what they have?"
"Why don't I have what they..."
"Why don't I have what..."
But once I boiled the Why questions to just that word, it allowed me to chop and change the rest of the questions.
"Why dont' I have what they have?" Turned into,
"Why do I care that I don't have what they have?"
And then that became the million dollar question. That spurred into, "Well, if I want it, what work do I have to put in get it?" How do I acheieve the happiness that I so longed for. Being happy isn't easy. There is so much ugly in the world, that it's easy to lose out on the beautiful things around us. Getting past that depression is a fight, and like Uzumaki Naruto said, "You only lose the fight when you give up."
It seems rough sometimes, and other times, it's rougher than the time before. But it's about keeping the fight up. Epiphanies happen over time, then they happen overnight. It took so long to realize why I have worth, and what that worth meant to me, as an individual.
"Not as good as some, but better than most."
The most that I'm better than are the reason why I'm thankful for where I am. It can always be worse. And this helped me realize how selfish my depression really was.