I've done this, too (breaking up and regretting it) and you can call it manipulative, but I had simply reached the point of not being able to take his neglect anymore (and he is an avoidant attachment style person). I just had to "get out of this situation" somehow, and I had to see what happens to both of us. Even though I'm still sad sometimes, actually, in the long run, I already know, it will be a good thing that he doesn't care about me :-D ... I've always known that that relationship with him was simply torture for me (everyone says he has / shows little to no emotion, which was always hard for me) ... but I fell in love with him anyway. So, actually I think it's normal to become ambivalent towards someone when they just don't give you what you want from a relationship, but you love them anyway. It's almost an over-used phrase nowadays, but love is not enough. You need to be compatible with your partner, and some people just aren't compatible. If you need a lot of love and affection and your partner is the complete opposite, you can love each other as much as you want; the one person will still always feel smothered and the other person will feel neglected. And there is NO way to change that. Unless both partners want to work on themselves AND the relationship, there is simply no future in such a constellation. And people know it. But they hold on to it anyway because they hope things will magically get better. And then they hold on and on, until something ultimately happens that truly breaks. If I could give a piece of advice to my younger self, I would tell her to always listen to her gut feeling, and to take the red flags seriously - if he never really gets attached to anyone, if he has one short relationship after the next, then you're not going to have a close, lasting connection with him, of even no connection at all. Some people just cannot connect, so they may say they love you, but they don't care about your wishes, needs, desires, and they don't ever get attached to you. In other words: They don't care about you. They might desire you, they might like you, but it's not a real, deep, fulfilling love. It's more like a crutch for them so they don't feel lonely. It’s a love for self-esteem: maybe not even just on their part, but also on yours. It doesn't help you. In my last relationship with my avoidant-attachment-style former partner (I don't like the word "ex", it feels minimizing to me, not really honest, because ex just sounds and looks like sex, and we shared a life) I always felt like the very least priority and my needs didn't matter at all. I wouldn't wish this feeling upon anyone. So if you are in a similar situation, get out of it as soon as you can, start meeting other men, go to therapy to fix your broken heart, and don't look back - because that person will never love you. He cannot love you because he never learned to let go and give his heart to another person. He was probably abandoned by one or more parents in his early childhood, and that's why he just doesn't get love, connectedness, passion, pleasing his partner - it doesn't give anything to him, he doesn’t want it, so he won't be able to give it to you. In the beginning you may think he gives you security, because he is so independent and great ... but in the long run, you will be starving for love. Because his independence doesn't just apply to his own life - he will never need, want, miss or love you. He can be a great monk (no attachments) but he is not a suitable partner for a romantic relationship. In short: if you keep breaking up with him and then you regret it - you love him, but you actually already know that he is no boyfriend material. Not for you, and maybe not for anyone else. And maybe you are no girlfriend material either. Maybe you first have to love yourself, so you don’t get involved with emotionally unavailable men anymore, but with men who really want a deep connection, just like you do.
