I hope this blog survives.

Welcome to my little space on the internet for the past 9 years 🍃

[biankkale]

This week was a turmoil. 90% of bathroom breaks was just me having a panic attack and wiping my tears. It’s one of the most crucial time in the office since our performance would really impact our score cards so I can’t afford to skip work no matter how much I wanted to. I guess i did well in February compared to previous months and I’m aiming for higher scores for march.

I wasn’t able to move in to Libis this month because the old tenants extended their stay. It is actually a good and a bad thing at the same time since I would still be able to save money for buying my bed and fan but it also means i would have to endure the incompetence of philippine transportation system for another month.

[biankkale]

life lately

I actually don’t  have plans of updating this blog anymore since being a corporate slave was never interesting but dayre will be shutting down in four days so this blog would now contain longer complaints of how much i hate my job and how tired i am. 

I still feel weird whenever i realize that they’re actually treating me like an actual adult now, specially in terms of handling my own finances. The first time i bought something online from my salary, which is a whole box of skincare products, i told my mom it was a prize from a Facebook raffle. I was actually nervous when I bought my 35mm because I thought they’ll get mad but surprisingly, they didn’t. I’ve been working for over 6 mos and I haven’t saved anything yet. My regularization in the office relieves me a little. Mom advised me to start a separate bank account to help me save for law school. 

I’m still torn between studying again and pursuing my job. I hate them both anyways so I don’t know why i have to make a choice. I actually miss studying and my college friends but i dont feel comfortable with the idea of forcing myself into it again, of course law school will always be a part of the plan but right now, I’m not quite sure if I’d still pursue it. Looking back in the past 4 years, I realized that i don’t even have any idea about the real process; i never learned anything about the fundamentals of the field. I’m actually considering to take journalism or film if ever although it’s not soon since the process will always be slow and I’m too tired to work it all out right now. I don’t even have the capacity of going out and socializing so how come I’ll be waiting in line for my transcript. I only spend my rest days sleeping. I don’t even get the chance to go out with my friends anymore, if ever we make plans, I’ll end up waking up late. And by late, i didnt mean 2pm late. It’s almost 10:30pm late where every single place we can go are already closed. 

I remember in high school when one of my teachers mentioned about time, energy, and money and how these three would never be together in your lifetime. At least one would be omitted, unless you were born rich syempre. 

[biankkale]

on growing up and feeling weird

Hello there, just an update: I'm still alive. I've been trying to write without sounding like it's a call for help but I always end up deleting everything I have typed. Also, i've been preoccupied with deadlines and responsibilities which forbids me to post anything, even just a series of photos. Maybe it's true that you won't notice how time flies when you're busy. I'm tired and sleep deprived but I'm also fighting. The past 6 months is like a phase where I found myself finally stepping out of my comfort zone and how fast the pace changes overwhelms me.

I celebrated my 20th birthday last September. My family and I just ate in tramway and nothing much happened because it’s a Wednesday and i have work but one significant birthday realization i had is that no matter how miserable and messy I've been, I’m actually glad to still be here even though there are mornings that i despise waking up.

I now learned the utmost importance of self-love. I stopped blaming myself for failed relationships because i know that there are things that I'll never be able to control like other people’s emotions towards me so why would i force myself into someone? I also found peace in spending more time with myself— eating/going out, watching movies, shopping. As an extrovert, i never knew it was relaxing to think of no one when you’re outside. The thought of not stressing yourself about how the other person feels, if s/he likes the food or is enjoying your company is relieving. 

In terms of my career, there are nights that I still come home exhausted and lethargic  with all my energy sucked out of me even though i was just talking to angry clients over the phone 8 hours a day but i can say that i am now in a better situation because it distracts me from my sadness and it helps me to get back on my feet again to thrive more

I'm only 20 and still, there are lots of things to learn, places to go, people to meet, and most of all, lots of pieces to pick. Like what I always tell people around me, I'm on the process of making myself whole again, on my own. I never see myself this optimistic before but as much as it feels like I'm in a war with my entire being, there's a part of me who keeps on saying that things will be better; eventually.

[biankkale]

(May, 2017)

[biankkale]

MARCOS HITLER DIKTADOR TUTA

"I shall never exchange my fetters for slavish servility. 'Tis better to be chained to the rock than be bound to the service of Zeus." - Aeschylus, Prometheus Unbound

[biankkale]

due dates

There's only 60 days left for 2016 and I can't feel anything but relief because somehow, at least somehow, this will all be over soon. I know its lame to believe that things will fall into their right places in 2017 but the thought of this year nearing it's end excites me. Although trying new stuff was liberating and I've been learning a lot, I have to admit that it has exhausted me that even myself, is getting sick of my petty complaints. Tl;dr: the past 10 months was like a rollercoaster ride and I just can't wait to get off it. 

2nd semester is about to start in less than a week and I did nothing productive during my break. I just slept all day and had a how i met your mother marathon which I guess was totally worth it. I have a lot of new books which i scored from a nearby booksale waiting for me and I'm excited about it because it was all written by filipino authors. I am currently reading The Lost Language, a compilation of short stories by Marianne Villanueva.

My halloween isn't as eventful as others (thank God) and I've convinced my parents to not attend our family gathering(thank God x2). I'm lucky to have a dad who hates socializing with his relatives because this made it easier for me to avoid my aunts who finds joy in bugging me about my relationship status and graduation. We, instead, just visited my grandfather at the ossuary and headed to the mall afterwards and had dinner. It was kinda nostalgic for me because we barely go out as a whole since my mom and dad's schedule usually doesn't compliment with each other which baffles us from doing so. That being said, I still hate them for forcing me to clean my room.

[biankkale]

life lately

I've been nauseous for weeks due to sleep and food deprivation with only coffee and ibuprofen sustaining my body to survive. I am somehow relieved that my semestral break has (sort of) started although we are not done yet with our thesis defense and some professors were still giving us requirements, at least it is not as stressful as it was like during a regular school day. I now have time to catch up with films, books, and TV series I've been hoarding for so long. I am also planning to attend several film festivals during my vacation.

Film

I have finally watched Bettlejuice (1988, dir. Tim Burton). It was about Adam and Barbara, a young couple who recently died from a car accident and wants to scare their house's new occupants away but was always ineffective so they seek for Betelgeuse's, their caseworker's former assistant who became bio-exorcist, help.

I've been hearing a lot about this film and most of my friends who happened to be a Tim Burton fan has always been recommending this to me so, I was really expecting a lot from it although I am not really into his  style and to be honest, I thought I wouldn't like it but I surprisingly did. It was really funny, scary, and of course, eccentric at the same time. I just can't help it whenever they show that place which has giant sand worms but feel like it was a sad boys music video and I'm waiting for Yung Lean to appear and show his horrible rapping skills.   

Another film I have seen was Batman: The Killing Joke (2016, dir. Sam Liu). It shows The Joker's back story and how he turned out that way. I have to admit that I did not really paid attention to the film at first because I was only forced by my boyfriend to watch this with and I'm proud that managed to finish the entire movie without sleeping or giving him a blowjob. 

What I hated about this is their portrayal of Batgirl whom think is a complex character but was degraded for the sake of the plot. I also don't see the connection of the first part to the second half of the movie which was about The Joker. The prologue part was useless and only made the entire film problematic especially the bat sex!!! It makes me cringe and it has nothing to do with the story. Barbara Gordon only became the victim but her romantic drama with Batman didn't justify her trauma.

But, to be fair, I liked the voice acting and I can say that after the prologue part, they really sticked to the source material. 

Television:

Stranger Things has been eating up the 30% of my phone's space for months now. I can say that it was really worth the hype. It was exciting and unpredictable and I liked how strong and imperfect Joyce Byers is as a mother which made her character more realistic. I'm sorry but I hate Nancy and I am so disappointed that they've let the first season end without letting Jonathan sing What Makes You Beautiful. :(

I have also caught up with Til' I Met You and I'm so proud of myself that I've managed to not see a single episode if it's not in chronological order and I really like how brave this series is to present the filipino audience an unusual plot in a light and cute manner. I love Jadine bat ang unfair ng mundo

Music:

I’ve been listening to Banks’ new album, The Altar on loop for weeks. I’ve been waiting for this ever since I first heard Fuck with Myself which is my personal favorite and I can’t find enough words to decribe how good banks’ shit is aaahhhh  CAUSE I FUCK WITH MYSELF MORE THAN ANYBODY ELSE POTA TRU BES SAME

[biankkale]

The Sunday currently vol. 1 + summary of my September

Here’s a glimpse of my Sunday and the summary of my September: (Join Sidda Thornton’s The Sunday Currently blog link-up here)

Reading Conjugal Dictatorship  by Primitivo Mijares. I’m so glad that Ateneo press made this available online for FREE!!!!!! Professors should require their students to read this because apathy have been infecting our generation and with all these historical revisionism our government and the Marcoses have been doing, the Filipinos, particularly the youth, should be informed and constantly reminded of the atrocities during Martial Law.

Writing a paper  which is due tomorrow and was given by my professor 2 weeks ago.

Listening to Pen Pineapple Apple Pen RnB Remix. :-----(

Thinking about starting a bullet journal.

Smelling nothing because my nose is stuffy.

Wishing for a new make-up set.

Hoping to pass our thesis defense next Saturday.

Loving How I Met Your Mother! I’m still on the first season and I haven’t watched it in a week because of my school works :(

Wanting to hike.

Needing to finish the accreditation of my subjects. It has been 3 years since I transferred into a new university and I still have a lot of unaccredited subjects from my former course.

Feeling uncomfortable because I was supposed to have my period today and it hasn’t come yet and i’m getting paranoid already.

Clicking an article which has steps on how to stop feeling things.

This month was really overwhelming and stressful for me. I just turned 19 and also competed my first university wide quiz bee on the same day. After turning 18, a lot of things have happened to me- heartbreaks, discovering tinder, hookups, disappointments, depression - It was a lot. But now, I was trying to be optimistic and look at these stuff as a lesson to be a better person (awuw!)

I also ran for presidency in our college’s student council. It was not an easy fight and I know that a lot of people would not believe in me and would probably judge me based on my happy-go-lucky personality. Even I, doubted myself. But I am not actually for winning or getting the post. I was chasing the experience and the hype of doing what I love. I still don’t know the results since the voting period was extended until Monday but whatever happens, I am glad about it. Though I sometimes regret it since it took up much of my time that I could have allotted for doing my thesis but I somehow enjoyed it so I can still handle to look on the bright side!!!!  (yuck ang cheesy???).

And, speaking of thesis, I learned one thing: You can’t cram the RRL. I hate myself for procrastinating and being so confident about it and deciding to polish it for one week. I am so disappointed with my paper and I just hope the panelists would still like it. 

I also decided to quit smoking two hours ago but with all these stress, i might take it back later.

[biankkale]

lord please forgive me for i have sinned

Hi! I'm bea. A 19-year-old sad girl from Manila, Philippines. I am currently a struggling political science and public administration major who dreams to be a human rights lawyer someday. I am not good in introductions and this is going to be my nth attempt to start a blog. I have tried several times to keep one but I always end up losing interest in updating and eventually forget the password. I also tried Wordpress to be my platform as a sign of ~maturity~ but it's interface was too complicated for me that's why I already gave up entering ~adulthood~ and decided to just come back to Tumblr's warm and loving arms. *relieved emoji* 

As a senior in college who has a lot of academic and extra-curricular responsibilities, it wasn't really practical to add another distraction, but, it always feels like a necessity for me (since i can't have a beautiful journal because of my terrible handwriting) when I'm sad and stressed out.

I am a feminist and a self-proclaimed Philippine history junkie. I like watching films, engaging into arguments, being naked, sleeping, making Mean Girls references, and hoarding lipsticks and make-up brushes. I am also a mom to 2 dogs. 

[biankkale]

at Sining Saysay Art Gallery

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Hannah + Gabi