Wearing Thin

Useless Mistake. Ugly inside and out. This is where I vent like the pathetic person I am.

[bignosedmonsterhag]

If I could permanently fix one of these life would be easier:

1. Big bumped fleshy nose

2. Brown grey skin

3. Inverted triangle body shape

Just changing one of these would make a world of difference to my outlook in life.

[bignosedmonsterhag]

I hate being brown. I mean brown grey or whatever the fuck my skin is. I hate it so much. I wish I was white.

[bignosedmonsterhag]

How the fuck am I supposed to be sexual when being sexual makes me feel scared and ashamed.

How do I let him go? He deserves someone who will be sexual. I am ruining his life.

[bignosedmonsterhag]

I hate myself so much. Today I gave a dirty look and honked at a driver who crossed the double solid white line to cut through the merge line on the highway. I was so angry just like my father. Why could I have not gotten his looks instead of his immaturity and impatience.

[bignosedmonsterhag]

Shit man. Does anyone else still have— need their transitional object?

[plague-memoria]

[bignosedmonsterhag]

That moment when you’re the ugliest woman in the entire vicinity.

[bignosedmonsterhag]

Why the fuck do I even try? I want to believe things will get better but it feels like they never do. What do I do?

Today I had memories of my sitting on my dads lap in the office of the unfinished basement in the States. Then it glitched into the office in our house in Europe. Not sure which one is true. Both? Neither? One or the other? … tickling turned into stroking and poking and rubbing and since then my parts down there were never the same.

[bignosedmonsterhag]

I hate myself so fucking much. There is no fucking excuse or even reason I should be alive. Someone please kill me now.

[bignosedmonsterhag]

Why am I still scared of you? You are not even here. Why do I get randomly aroused and think of you? I don’t have the memories, but I feel like something was taken from me. Like feeling memories. I feel crazy and gross. What did you do to me? Is this why I hurt her when I was just a child? Did you hurt me before that? And then I did what I learned from you to her? Did you teach me that boundaries do not exist? All I wanted was your approval and love. Did it happen multiple times or once? Was I an infant or was I 5 or 6 or both? One day I will remember everything and it will all click and make sense… but for now I am wandering in the dark and the guilt of what I did to her and not knowing why I did it is consuming me whole. I take it day by day and pray that one day the memories of what you did to me will come back to me and then… then I will understand why I did what I did. Not excuse it but understand what led to it and then maybe not think that I was born a monster with no respect for others as a child. What did you do to me? I can’t even bring myself to have intimacy with my boyfriend! The fear and shame is too much to let me.

What did you do to me?

[lepi-choir]

ADULT CHILD: Why do you act the way you do? Why is everything I do wrong? Why can’t you treat me like an adult? What difference does it make to Dad if I don’t become a doctor? What difference does it make to you who I marry? When are you going to let me go? Why do you act as if every decision I make on my own is an attack on you?

CONTROLLING MOTHER: I can’t describe the pain I feel when you pull away from me. I need you to need me. I can’t stand the thought of losing  you.  You’re  my  whole  life.  I’m  terrified  that  you’re  going  to make some horrible mistakes. It would rip me apart to see you get hurt. I’d rather die than feel like a failure as a mother. 

 Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, Ph.D.

[mycptsdstory]

I never loved my birth parents, I never felt comfortable around them.

To the people said it’s all in my head, go fuck yourself. I don’t care if you die the next day, you never once cared about me. Go fuck yourself.

[stressed-and-fedup]

The older I get the more I realize how fucked up I am from growing up in a toxic home environment.

[bxdtime-tea]

Shout-out to everyone whose parents never taught them to love themselves or be who they are, y'all are strong.

[sadgirllari-deactivated20210226]

i am a bad daughter

i am a bad daughter

i am a bad daughter

you made me that way

-sadgirllari

[abbeydoesthings]

You know what I hate about having emotionally immature/toxic parents? They don’t apologize for what they’ve done that is wrong. They don’t take responsibility for hurting you.. They just try to explain why it wasn’t their fault.

[urbancripple]

Sometimes Family Isn’t Worth It

Years ago my father caught the genealogy bug and began searching for every gnarled branch of our family tree he could possibly find proof of and contacted them. We might consider these people strangers but to him they were family and that meant something. Something significant. Something sacred. 

This isn’t too strange when you think about it, not really. How many weddings / funerals have we been invited / dragged to because the parties involved were family? In these cases, family embodies an unspoken obligation to support and participate in the lives of people we barely know. Family often means being there when we really don’t want to.

And that raises an interesting question: What do you do when your family is toxic, when it does more harm than good?

Culturally speaking, we’ve been taught to grin and bear it. To tolerate your family’s insufferable behavior because, someday, family will be the only thing you have left and you just might need them.

I find this viewpoint absolutely abhorrent. A relationship you didn’t ask to be a part of, are forced to tolerate / maintain, and aren’t allowed to leave? How is that remotely healthy? Every other relationship we have in our lives lives and dies by how positive an effect it has on us. Is your significant other abusive? Leave them. Has your best friend since high school turned into a raging asshole? Ghost ‘em. That person you used to do everything with but now have nothing in common? Let things dissolve naturally and both parties will come out better for it. But not attend that racist uncle’s wedding? Not let your deadbeat cousin crash on your couch for a couple of weeks? Or worse yet: stop speaking to your parents because you finally realized how manipulative and destructive they are on your (now adult) life? You’re a goddamn monster.

I call bullshit. Every relationship you have with another person should be both consensual and mutually beneficial. If it doesn’t meet these two criteria, it’s not worth keeping.