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It’s like your ears shut

I would be the worst spy of all time because on one hand I overshare like hell, but on the other hand I also have THE shittiest memory so it’s really a lose/lose scenario for everyone involved.

lesbianshepard

guy interrogating me: What’s the passcode?

me: Ah fuck. I think it might be 792…..4?

me: Actually no I think it starts with a 2.

me:

me: Yeah I usually just rely on muscle memory for it. Do you think you could get a keypad in here? That might be faster.

lesbianshepard

guy interrogating me: who do you work for?!

me: Okay, so this is super embarrassing. I know he told me his name when we first met but I forgot and at this point it would be weird if I asked him for his name again, right? So I just kind of go with “sir” whenever I have to talk to him. It might be David though. He looks like a David.

lesbianshepard

me, after being extracted: bad news guys, I totally blew Dave’s cover.

my boss: Wait, what?

me: Yeah, like they had knives and shit and it was kind of stressful so I just told them that my contact’s name was David Johnson. Really sorry about that.

boss: We don’t have a David Johnson working for us. Are you thinking of James?

me:

me: Good news, guys, I did not blow James’ cover!

lesbianshepard

Enemy 1: So, how did the interrogation go?

Enemy 2: We got nothing. All they did was ramble on about their childhood trauma for two hours.

Enemy 1: Hmm. maybe lower the dose of the truth serum next time.

Enemy 2: We didn’t use truth serum.

lesbianshepard

me: So I managed to listen in on them for an hour through the air ducts

spy 2: and what did you learn?

me: Oh, nothing. I zoned out like five minutes into them talking.

lesbianshepard

I try to tell my team the way back to the enemy base, but I forgot the address and every time they ask which way to turn I do the L hand trick to remember left from right.

puujima

porterr-robinson

vladthelordofdoomandpancakes

Translation: “I am fucking tired of the soviet car industry” *the standard effect of touching a soviet car* *laughs in russian*

davidxn

I can’t get over the sheer poetry of how the car falls apart - the perfect chain reaction escalating as it travels round.

obsessedwithgoldens

megssssssssssssssb-deactivated2

are you taken?

for fuckin’ granted

anxietyproblem

asforthesoundtrack

“and this is when, through the magic of the internet, i met phil. and obviously, we were more than friends, but it was more than just romantic. this is someone that genuinely liked me. i trusted them, and for the first time since i was a tiny child, i actually felt safe. and the relationship we formed at that point was something i needed in my life. we are real best friends, companions through life. like, actual soulmates. it’s so lucky to just find someone you can be that compatible with. and especially to anyone that has experienced the kind of self hatred that i have dealt with, one person accepting you can make all the difference.”