Billows of Reality

My Personal Expressions, Interpretations, and Motivations

[billowsofreality]

[billowsofreality]

My Guilty Pleasure

I confess I am one out of the millions when I say i am obsessed with Disney.

Disneyland, Disney movies, Disney merchandise, Disney EVERYTHING!

I love it!

Best part is... I am not alone. :)

[billowsofreality]

It's been a while since I have stepped foot into this place.

With everything going on, writing is that last thing on my plate.

I do miss it.

Love is strong and my collection of rocks is growing.

Although times are tough, I honestly have nothing to complain about.

I've lost nothing, just restricted.

But i have gained so much and I'm still going on.

[billowsofreality]

Sometimes I ask myself why I love him so much...

Then I look at my pictures of him, I stare deep into his blue eyes. He is so strong. He is everything I want to be and more. He makes me safe. He makes me whole.

Three years together now... and forever to go...

[billowsofreality]

Where Am I Now?

It's been two months since the break, or should we say... the heartbreak.

Things have turned around since then, and I hold up better than before.

Life is not the way I've wished it, but I can say that it is beyond what I've ever imagined.

He remains by my side; and despite the past, I wouldn't have it any other way. He loves me.

That's all that matters and that's all that is left. Pure raw love.

Who knows when our next conflict may hit, or when someone may try and stand in our way again.

All I know is that he loves me, and now... We are stronger than ever, because despite the past... I love him.

[billowsofreality]

Confusing Break

He taught me all, he taught me love. The lesson he is teaching me now, is that love hurts. I never understood the purpose of a "break," the meaning behind it. What do I do now? Do I move on with my life? Do I dwell? Do I tear myself apart? What do I do?!?! I've never been here, in this place. I never thought I would be. I am so confused, so hurt, so uneven.

[billowsofreality]

One Minute More. A Thousand Years.

It's all the same to me.

i don't wanna live a day without you i just wanna be the one that makes you happy, happy i don't wanna live a day without you i just wanna be the one that makes you happy, happy

Secrets in Stereo

[billowsofreality]

Questions in Her Head

"I love you," she says to him in her head. Of course he doesn't hear it, but does he feel it? Does he know what she really feels? Can he read her like a book? Does he know her intentions?

"I will do anything for you," she says in her head. He knows she will. She's shown him she will. In that, she proves her love. But does he know it? Does he see it? She hasn't said a word. She waits....

She waits for him to say it first. Will the day come? Will the feelings pour? For now she remains so unsure.

Unsure of when it will pour. Unsure of how will if come. Will it be like she pictured? Will magic ignite? Will fireworks surface and burst out loud? All that she is sure, is what she knows. So she lays in bed. Kisses him goodnight. "I love you," she says in her head. And here's to another night.

[billowsofreality]

Being Alone

I spend so much of my time alone nowadays. I've run out of things to do, and all that is left is my mind.

I spend hours upon hours driving myself crazy. Picking out the worst scenarios possible and feeling as if they were real.

I spend every morning, every afternoon, and aver night alone or I sure feel that way.

He always tells me that I need to go out and do something. Problem is that I do want to, but with him. He works everyday of the week, almost every night. On his free days, he is gone, so I am always alone.

You see, I have never been good at being alone, and I stress that so much.

When I was a teen, I spent everyday alone for dark reasons. My family was all busy doing their own things and I just had school and band practice, that's about it.

I remember falling into deep depression. I hit vulnerability and began to have a suicidal mindset. No one would miss me anyway, no one paid attention to me anyway.

It was like that throughout middle school. Once I hit high school, I was strong and was able to stand alone, no one knew of what I lived and no one knew what I was about. They only knew what they knew based on school, and that was more than enough.

Now, the feelings tend to pour out more and I feel like I am more vulnerable than ever. I find that every time I am alone i begin to question my worth to people.

I begin to feel like I am this insignificant person stuck in a dark hole of nothing.

But this is all a battle within myself, that I will learn to fight. Being alone should not be like this. Not at the level I am at. As I have stated in a previous blog, I have become more of crier that I ever have been before, in private of course.

I don't know, I just think all this will heal in a matter of time. I have always told myself, being a HUGE Michael fan since my toddler days, that Michael is always with me as long as I play his music, and I will never be alone. In reality, he is one who take credit is saving me when I was at my worst.

And he is here now, so I know I will be okay.

[billowsofreality]

I Try - Song from Peter Pan: Return to Neverland

I am not a child now I can take care of myself I mustn't let them down now Mustn't let them see me cry I'm fine, I'm fine I'm too tired to listen I'm too old to believe All these childish stories There is no such thing as faith And trust and pixie dust I try But it's so hard to believe I try But I can't see what you see I try, I try, I try... My whole world is changing I don't know where to turn I can't leave you waiting But I can't stay and watch this city burn Watch it burn 'Cause I try But it's so hard to believe I try But I can't see what you see I try, I try I try and try to understand The distance in between The love I feel and the things I fear And every single dream I can finally see it Now I have to believe All those precious stories All the world is made of... Faith, and trust... and pixie dust So, I'll try Because I finally believe I'll try, cuz I can see what you see I'll try, I'll try I will try I'll try... To fly

[coyote-eyes]

Summer days | via Tumblr on We Heart It. http://weheartit.com/entry/66663992/via/fabiane_19

[billowsofreality]

True love is never lost

[billowsofreality]

In Our Darkest Hour In My Deepest Despair Will You Still Care? Will You Be There? In My Trials And My Tribulations Through Our Doubts And Frustrations In My Violence In My Turbulence Through My Fear And My Confessions In My Anguish And My Pain Through My Joy And My Sorrow In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow I'll Never Let You Part For You're Always In My Heart.

Michael Jackson

[billowsofreality]

Today is a day to honor and remember the most legendary and loved music icon of the world. Words cannot describe the pain I feel today. He is my hero and has been for as long as I can remember. He has never left my side or my heart. I will always love him for ever and ever. I love you, Michael! I love you so much!

[whimsicalserendipity10-blog]

-Serendipity

[billowsofreality]

This Is My Place

I am away from that place.

All my hard work has paid off and I am very happy.

A large countryside home, with horses and gardens and fountains. Me driving the car I have always dreamed of, my children having the tree house I never had and the playground I once wished I could play on.

I smell flowers everywhere I go with my home, of every color.The green green flush grass that is cool to the touch and fresh on the nose. I smell the warmth in the air from the beautiful summer breeze.

I hear laughter. My children pushing each other on the swings, little Emma yelling "Higher, higher!" to her big brother. I hear them loving each other like best friends, two inseparable siblings. I hear happy horses neighing and galloping through the fields, I hear them loving every moment they are brushed and hugged.I hear my husband coming home from work and hanging his keys on the hook by the door, saying, "Honey, I'm home."

I feel love. Love from my husband, love from my family and love from my surroundings. Happiness is caressing me like God saying, "And here is all you deserve and have worked for my child, now live your life worry free and love."

I feel everything I have ever wanted to feel. I feel fulfillment and happiness, security and love. It's all in my hands...

Until then, I am still in this place.

I am working hard and not very happy.

A small apartment, with no pets, and the closest thing I have to a garden is one mint plant. I do not have a car or children, let alone a yard.

I smell the neighbors Asian cuisine every night. The smell of the shared hallways that most do not partake in cleaning it. I smell take out and fast food and occasionally dinner on the stove.

I hear laughter, my own and his. He makes me laugh all the time. I hear ESPN every hour of the day and I hear him come home from work saying, "What's up!" or "Let's go!"

I feel love. Everyday, although it isn't said, it is felt. Love from him, my family, his family, and although love may not be in all my surroundings, it is in the significant ones. I feel God telling me, "Don't worry child, one day all this hard work will pay off and you will not have to worry about a thing."

I feel everything I do and do not want to feel. I feel strength to push me forward and encouragement. It is all in my hands...

And for now....

This is my place.

[billowsofreality]

Different Relationships

My Encounters with Different Relationships

Friends; these people, you cannot really rely on 100%. Friends hold limits. Family does not. There is a fine line 99% of people will not cross for their friends. This is something I have learned. Friends are NOT always going to be there for you, not even your best friends.

Our families; Although some friends, like long time friends, can serve as a family. They are extremely close, they have proven to be blood, this only happens 1% of the time. I have learned that you do not get to pick and choose them, but because of them, you will never be alone. Yes, we all have that one family member that treats you unfairly and down talks you, but deep down, there is nothing but love. Family is what teaches us what love is and is supposed to give us courage to step out and succeed.

Significant other; this person can be everything to you. They have shown you a significant amount of love, tenderness, and care. If you are a lucky one, you have the one who will stand by you literally no matter what. You can be broke, a mess, a bitch, you name it, and yet all they want is the best for you and to love you. On the other hand, you may have the one who makes you feel alone and vulnerable. They may just take you for granted and just expect you to handle everything on your own, and just serve them as they please without any consideration of your feelings. And then, you may have a mixture of both....The point is, they are either with you or without you.

Relationships are really tough to maintain, some drift, some treat you differently based on choices, and some, well become closer and stronger. It is really hard to tell where they will go. I know, I never expected to be with my relationships as I am now. Although there is a lot I wish I could change, it is not in my hands.

At the end of the day, I regret nothing.