“𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧”
a/n: my coworker gagged me when i couldn’t reach something so he did it for me and when i said thank you he said “you just had to stretch a little more” mind you i couldn't reach it at all. hoe.
synopsis: the kind of pictures they’d post of you on their instagram story that would make everyone feel single.
ft. isagi yoichi, itoshi rin, itoshi sae, nagi seishiro, mikage reo, bachira meguru, shidou ryusei, karasu tabito, kaiser michael, ness alexis, chigiri hyoma, yukimiya kenyu, hiori yo, barou shoei, kunigami rensuke, iglesias bunny, hugo vivian
isagi yoichi
blurry candid of you laughing because he said something stupid.
i mean genuinely blurry. your face is half-moving. the table is crooked. the photo quality looks like it was taken during an earthquake.
caption: "proof she finds me funny."
song: love on the brain – rihanna.
the funniest part is that isagi posts this with his whole chest. no irony. no embarrassment. no self-awareness.
because in his mind? making you laugh is one of his greatest accomplishments.
he stares at this picture more than some of his match highlights.
fans immediately lose their minds once they zoom in and realize you're looking directly at him while laughing. not at the camera. not at somebody else. him.
comments become: "girl blink twice if he's forcing you to laugh." "he definitely told the worst joke imaginable." "the way she's looking at him i'm going the fuck to bed "
and isagi is scrolling through the comments smiling like an idiot because nobody understands.
he remembers exactly what he said. it wasn't even funny. somehow you laughed for 5 straight minutes.
that's his favorite part.
itoshi rin
random photo he took of you looking out the bullet train window.
the lighting isn't special. you're not posing. your hair isn't even done. you're literally just existing.
caption: none.
song: nothing's gonna hurt you baby – cigarettes after sex.
by the time the post hits 3 minutes old, there are already edits.
by the time it hits 30 minutes old, there are essays.
because WHY DOES HE HAVE THIS PHOTO.
why was he looking at you? why did he save it? why did he post it? why does it feel so intimate?
everyone realizes you clearly didn't know he took the picture.
which means rin saw you sitting there and thought: yeah. i need to keep this forever.
the screenshot count becomes absurd. people start calling it "the train photo." entire fan accounts are dedicated to analyzing it.
rin does not acknowledge any of this. but when someone asks him why he posted it, he just shrugs.
"liked the picture." that's it.
little does everyone know that his camera roll contains approximately 800 more photos exactly like it. completely unposed. completely unnoticed.
his favorite version of you is the one that isn't trying.
itoshi sae
photo of you wearing his sunglasses while crossing a street somewhere in madrid. both hands wrapped around his bicep.
you're talking about something. he doesn't remember what. he just remembers looking down and thinking you looked cute. so he snapped a quick one.
caption: "thief."
song: telepatía – kali uchis.
the internet explodes immediately. because sae doesn't post. sae barely acknowledges humanity. sae posting a picture of somebody is already a historical event. sae posting a picture where you're clearly attached to him like a koala? global emergency.
comments become: "HE’S SMILING." "SAE ITOSHI SMILING IN THE BIG 2026???" "somebody check on rin."
the funniest part? everybody is right. he is absolutely smiling.
he spent 10 minutes choosing between 3 nearly identical photos. 10 whole minutes. that's basically a marriage proposal by sae standards.
later, someone asks where the sunglasses came from.
he responds: "they’re mine."
then logs off. he wanted everyone to know exactly whose sunglasses they were. and exactly who stole them.
nagi seishiro
photo of you asleep.
that's it. absolutely diabolical behavior.
caption: "she's charging."
song: single – the neighbourhood.
people think it's a joke. it is. but it's also not.
nagi genuinely sees you as some kind of adorable electronic device.
you take naps. you need snacks. sometimes you stop functioning. therefore: charging. simple.
the photo itself is ridiculously cute. your cheek is squished against a pillow. you're holding onto his hoodie sleeve. one sock is missing. nobody knows where it went. not even nagi.
comments become: "FREE HER." "bro posted her unconscious." "is she a girlfriend or a tamagotchi?”
nagi is confused by the backlash. "what? she looked cute."
that's literally his entire defense.
the worst part is that every few months he does it again. sleeping in the car. sleeping on the couch. sleeping on his shoulder. sleeping during movies.
fans have accidentally been given a complete sleep study over the course of your relationship.
nagi thinks this is perfectly normal.
mikage reo
photo of you standing in the middle of some luxury shopping district in tokyo. probably harajuku. maybe ginza. doesn't matter. somehow you look expensive just standing there.
you're not even doing anything. you're checking your phone. that's it.
caption: "that's MY muse."
song: fashion killa – a$ap rocky.
this post creates approximately 17,000 edits within the hour.
reo accidentally posted what looks like a luxury campaign advertisement.
people are convinced a magazine took the photo. but nope. just reo. who has approximately 6,000 photos of you in his favorites folder.
and yes. the folder is actually named "museum." because he thinks you're art.
fans discover this fact later and collectively evaporate. comments become: "reo mikage i know that's you liking every edit." "he's refreshing the tag." "he wants that cookie so bad."
and they're right. reo posts the story. watches the views climb. searches your name. likes edits. saves edits. sends edits to you. comments "so true" under edits of his own girlfriend.
then acts completely normal when confronted.
the man is your biggest fan. everybody knows it. especially him.
bachira meguru
the photo is you running ahead of him through a festival at night. lights everywhere. lanterns overhead. people passing by.
the picture is slightly blurry because he was literally running after you when he took it.
caption: "wait for meeee!"
song: can i call you tonight? – dayglow.
the photo feels like a memory before it even becomes one. that's what destroys everybody.
it doesn't look posed. it doesn't look curated. it looks like one of those moments you don't realize is important until years later. like it’s nostalgic.
your hair is bouncing behind you. you're halfway turned around because he's yelling your name.
and somehow the picture captures exactly how happy he is just following you around.
comments immediately become: "this looks like the ending scene of an indie romance movie." "why am i crying 💔” "he's literally following her like a golden retriever."
correct. bachira sees absolutely nothing wrong with this. he likes following you around.
you're interesting. sometimes you randomly stop to look at things. sometimes you drag him somewhere. sometimes you get distracted. it's fun.
later, he reveals there are approximately 47 photos from this exact night.
35 of them are just you smiling at him while standing exactly 3 feet away. because apparently that's his favorite view.
shidou ryusei
photo of you flipping off the camera after he spent the last 20 minutes being the most annoying man alive. your expression is murderous.
his laugh can practically be heard through the screen.
caption: "she wants me."
song: true – spandau ballet.
the internet collectively develops high blood pressure.
comments instantly become: "that's literally not what that means." "she looks one inconvenience away from homicide." "ryusei i am begging you to read body language."
shidou is liking every single comment because he thinks they're hilarious.
what makes it worse is that you posted your own story immediately afterward. same photo. caption: "i don't."
somehow this only makes people more convinced you're soulmates.
the thing is shidou genuinely believes annoying you is a love language.
unfortunately though? every time you threaten him, he gets happier. nobody knows why. not even him.
karasu tabito
photo of you walking ahead of him at night. holding his hand. just the back of you. nothing fancy. no dramatic lighting. no expensive scenery. no special occasion.
caption: "favorite person to waste time with."
song: sure thing – miguel.
THAT'S THE ONE.
the post goes viral because it feels so unfairly intimate.
everyone expected something flashier. something more obvious. instead, he drops the most devastatingly romantic thing imaginable and leaves.
it makes sense. karasu's affection has always been sneaky. he's not the type to make speeches. but he is the type to remember your coffee order even after 3 years. the type to call when he knows you're bored. the type to stay on the phone with you while doing absolutely nothing.
and this picture? it feels exactly like that.
comments become: "waste time?????" "that's somehow more romantic than an engagement." “this just raised my standards, thank you.” "he talks about her like she's his favorite hobby."
you are. and he'd never admit that out loud.
kaiser michael
mirror picture. you're wearing a dark blue dress that’s long, elegant, fitted in some places and loose in others. somehow both sophisticated and effortless. the kind of outfit that makes people stop scrolling.
caption: "art appreciation post."
song: art deco – lana del rey.
the internet loses its collective damn mind.
because everybody knows this isn't actually about fashion. this is kaiser publicly staring at his girlfriend. that's what this is.
comments immediately become: "bro thinks he's at the louvre." "HE'S LOOKING AT HER LIKE A RENAISSANCE PAINTING." "somebody get this man a museum membership."
the answer is yes. absolutely yes.
kaiser genuinely believes beauty should be acknowledged. loudly. dramatically. repeatedly. and beauty is you.
he spends 15 minutes deciding which picture shows the dress best. then another 5 staring at it after posting.
if somebody asks why he uploaded it? he'll shrug.
"people should be allowed to admire art."
meanwhile ness is somewhere off-screen resisting the urge to throw his phone into traffic.
ness alexis
photo of you holding a huge bouquet. flowers in all your favorite colors. you're wearing pajamas. completely bare faced. hair still messy from sleep. clearly woke up less than an hour ago.
caption: "picked the right ones :)"
song: baby i'm yours – arctic monkeys.
the smiley face is important. extremely important. life-changingly important. because ness typed it. deleted it. typed it again. deleted it. stared at it. walked around his apartment. came back. stared at it some more. then finally posted it.
the photo itself absolutely destroys people. you're not dressed up that’s why. you're not posing.
it's painfully domestic. painfully real.
comments become: "he bought her flowers before she even brushed her hair i’m crine.” "the smiley face is making me emotional." "this is the most boyfriend picture i've ever seen."
the thing is, ness doesn't even realize why everyone loves it. to him, the flowers are the focus. he spent forever picking them. he remembers every color you like. he wanted you to smile when you woke up.
and everyone else is staring at the picture thinking: oh. this man is absolutely gone.
completely. irreversibly. catastrophically in love.
chigiri hyoma
photo of you waiting for him on the other side of a crosswalk. huge grin. waving both arms at him like he disappeared for 10 years instead of 30 seconds. cars passing. city lights reflecting off the windows nearby.
caption: "and i'm supposed to be the faster one."
song: you are in love – taylor swift.
the internet immediately starts screaming. chigiri never really posts things unless they matter. and this? this matters. a lot.
the thing people notice is your expression. that's not a polite smile. that's a there you are smile. the kind you save for one specific person.
comments instantly become: "LIKE OKAYYYYYY WE GET IT BRO YOU LOVE HER." "WE UNDERSTAND. MESSAGE RECEIVED." "HE POSTED A TAYLOR SWIFT SONG. SEDATE ME."
chigiri ignores all of them. he's too busy staring at the picture himself.
he remembers exactly what happened afterward. the second the light changed, you practically skipped over to him.
and honestly? no goal celebration has ever made him smile as much as that did.
yukimiya kenyu
photo of you adjusting his collar before some formal event. maybe a gala. maybe an award ceremony. doesn't matter. you're focused entirely on fixing his outfit. completely unaware he's staring at you.
caption: "found my favorite color."
song: sunflower – michelle leigh.
chaos erupts immediately. because he's wearing an orange tie. and you're standing right there.
comments become a battlefield. half the internet say: "he means the tie." the other half: "BE SERIOUS."
the answer is painfully obvious. the photo is literally centered on you.
yukimiya himself refuses to clarify. he finds the debate funny.
meanwhile every single one of his teammates knows exactly what he meant. this man has looked at you like you're the eighth wonder of the world since day one.
somebody eventually asks him directly. “when you said ‘my favorite color,’ did you mean the orange tie or your girlfriend?”
his response? "you tell me." which somehow confirms it more.
hiori yo
photo taken from his gaming setup. you're sitting beside him. half in frame. completely focused on your own thing. maybe you're reading. maybe you're drawing. maybe you're scrolling through your phone. nobody knows. hiori didn't bother explaining either.
caption: "co-op."
song: lovefool – the cardigans.
the comments are so confused. you're not interacting. you're not even looking at each other.
one comment with 50,000 likes says: "am i missing something."
but hiori understands perfectly. because in his brain? spending time together doesn't require constant attention. it's just existing in the same space. comfortably. peacefully. with no pressure and no expectations. just knowing the other person is there.
comments become: "bro that's not co-op." "she isn't even playing." "hiori that's literally single-player."
and hiori reads them and goes: "um, nah."
because you sat there for 3 hours. and that's worth more to him than any multiplayer lobby.
barou shoei
.5 selfie. the most criminal and cutest camera angle known to mankind.
you're sitting on the kitchen counter, grinning directly into the camera. barou is cooking in the background. completely focused. serious expression. apron on. looking like he's preparing a five-star meal for a king and his queen.
caption: "the chef and his pretty taste-tester (written by [name] btw)."
song: fallingforyou – the 1975.
the second people see the caption? they start crying. everybody knows barou didn't write that. absolutely nobody believes it.
comments become: "HE MADE SURE WE KNEW IT WASN'T HIM." "HE'S EMBARRASSED." "BAROU LIKE THIS COMMENT IF SHE STOLE YOUR PHONE."
the funniest part? he actually did make you add the disclaimer. he refused to post it otherwise.
but he still posted it. that's the important part.
despite all his complaining… despite pretending he doesn't care… the photo remains on his account. forever.
and every time somebody mentions it, he threatens them. which only confirms that he secretly loves it.
kunigami rensuke (post-WC)
mirror photo at a private gym. both of you are sweaty. exhausted. yet smiling. happy.
caption: "the only person i'd allow to be my spotter is you @yourusername.”
song: cupid's chokehold / breakfast in america – gym class heroes.
the internet genuinely doesn't know how to process this.
this is supposed to be the intimidating one. the serious one. the emotionally constipated one.
and yet here he is. smiling. voluntarily. publicly.
comments become: "HE TAGGED HER." "HE TAGGED HER Y’ALL."
"EVERYONE STAY CALM."
but the real killer? the wording.
anyone can be a workout partner. anyone can train with him. but being the only person? that's different. especially coming from kunigami.
especially since after everything he's been through, trust isn't something he gives easily anymore.
so fans end up realizing the caption isn't really about the gym. it's about you.
and suddenly everybody is emotional.
kunigami is just sitting there wondering why people are acting like he proposed.
he only stared at the post for 20 minutes before uploading it. that's normal, right?
iglesias bunny
photo of you sitting at a restaurant. sunglasses on. outfit immaculate. posture immaculate. somehow making a menu look expensive. the kind of picture that makes people sit up straighter when they see it.
caption: "everyone clap."
song: 360 – charli xcx.
the funniest thing about bunny is that this is somehow both a joke and completely serious.
yes, he's being dramatic. but also? he genuinely believes applause is warranted.
comments instantly become: "👏👏👏👏👏" "THANK YOU BUNNY FOR BRINGING HER TO OUR ATTENTION." "he posted her like she just won an oscar AS HE SHOULDDD."
and bunny is sitting there liking every single comment. because exactly. finally. people understand.
somebody comments: "what are we clapping for?"
bunny replies: "look at her."
that's it. no further explanation. in his mind, none is needed.
he took approximately 100 pictures that night. this wasn't even the most glamorous one. it was just his favorite. especially because you were laughing at something right before he snapped the photo.
and even behind the sunglasses? he could tell. which somehow makes the entire thing 10 times worse.
the internet spends the next week making edits. bunny saves all of them.
hugo vivian
photo of you standing on a balcony at night. city lights glowing behind you. skyline stretching into the distance. the wind moving your hair slightly.
you don't know he took the picture. you don't even know he's looking at you.
caption: "badump, badump."
song: my destiny – delinquent.
that's it. no elaboration. no explanation. no context. only: badump, badump.
and somehow that makes it INFINITELY worse.
everybody immediately understands what he means with his little cyborg sound effects he does.
comments become: "OH THAT'S TOO CUTE." "HEARTBEAT CAPTION. HEARTBEAT CAPTION." "HE LOOKED AT HER AND FORGOT WORDS."
which is basically what happened.
hugo had every opportunity to write something normal. something cool. or something clever.
instead, his brain saw you standing there and reduced itself to cartoon sound effects. like an actual malfunctioning robot. zoom. beep beep. badump, badump. finished. post uploaded.
the photo itself is gorgeous. but the caption is what kills everyone. it's so simple. so stupid. so painfully sincere. it feels less like an instagram story and more like somebody accidentally reading his thoughts.
and hugo never corrects anyone. he knows they're right. that really was the only thing going through his head when he looked at you. badump, badump.
no thoughts. just girlfriend.
© 𝐤𝐱𝐬𝐚𝐠𝐢


















