Ruminations of a morbid kid

I write whenever I can and I want to or whenever my bipolar side kicks in and I just want to be peacefully sad. Also, it's like my diary.

[yms1]

once you stop looking, things find you

[everyday-quote]

“Soft words soften the hearts that are harder than rock, harsh words harden hearts that are softer than silk.”

— Imam al-Ghazali (rahimullah)

[quotemadness]

“The world is not a pleasant place to be without someone to hold and be held by.”

— Nikki Giovanni

[thoughtkick]

“Sometimes when you’re in a dark place you think you’ve been buried, but actually you’ve been planted.”

— Christine Caine

[poems-and-word]

[bipolar-discompose-morbid-kid]

I think I am good. Thanks for the trip, see you all when I am depressingly sad again and on the verge of suicide...so basically never. Hahahaha

[geneva-diva]

[thebookquotes]

I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hate so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.

James Baldwin, Nobody Knows My Name (via thebookquotes)

[bipolar-discompose-morbid-kid]

I think love is a sham because it exists for everyone, everyone except me. I think I have kind of made my peace with it by now that Everyone out there has a pair, a second piece to their puzzle, a key to their lock, a soulmate but I was the abnormality. I wasn't made in a pair, I was made alone in solitude, that's why i really like being alone I guess. Don't get me wrong, I am an extroverted person but as much as I enjoy being with people, I enjoy even more being alone but its gets sad sometimes. So many times I fell in love with someone else's pair and then they left me or me- them. I am tired of the greyness this world is. I wish it was black and white, simpler, easier to understand, easier to do things without putting in so much effort. I read a quote in a comic once, "Some can lead normal lives without putting in much effort, while others have to put in a ridiculous amount of effort to try to have some semblance of a normal life." and honestly I relate to it so much, the day I dont put in the effort, my life becomes Post Malone's song- I fall apart :(, its hard accepting I am all alone and will be alone forever but finally knowing this gives me a sense of peace too. Now I can stop chasing women and focus on myself, on loving myself, accepting myself and just being me unapologetically!

[thoughtkick]

“If you look back only at your mistakes, you’d think you were an idiot. If you look back only at your wiser choices, you’d think you were infallible. But if you look back on everything, you realize you’re a human being who has been through a lot, grown a lot, is always still learning, and improving as time goes by.”

— Doe Zantamata

[ultrathedarkangel]

[bnmxfld]

“Always be kinder than you feel.”

— Unknown

[minuty]

“We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”

—

[bipolar-discompose-morbid-kid]

I can see you creepin and lurking around and trying weird tactics to let you back into my life. I can see that the handshake you're putting out in front of me is just a facade because I very well know you. I also know that your other is carrying a knife, you that you can shake my hand, pull me in close and stab me in the back with your knife.

Well bitch, guess what, I am game but a heads up I always bring a gun to a knife fight.

Fuck me over once, shame on you, fuck me over twice, well that isnt gonna happen. I am gonna bend you over and fuck your case to Pluto and back because you messed with a wrong person.

-me

[stay-close]

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

— Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum

[bipolar-discompose-morbid-kid]

You go darker than black, you're consumed by darkness and negative emotions. You're constantly hurting and want to cry and are having life ending thoughts, you have constant ongoing nervous breakdowns and anxiety attacks and fail to realize and recognize the reality that's in front of you. You're is there but your heart? It's there too but physically it either hurts so much that it feels like your heart is gonna come out or you feel hollow. You constantly drink to numb the pain and smoke because the nicotine kills all the billion thoughts in your head. And when all stops working, you start marking your arms, legs, thighs any fleshy part of your body, so that the external pain numbs out the internal pain. You keep doing these until you one fine up you end up sitting in a puddle of your own blood with death staring back at you and realizing your mistake and waiting to be saved.

That is what your first mature heartbreak feels like.

-me

[bipolar-discompose-morbid-kid]

Hahaha, guess I jinxed it, proclaiming I am good. Here I am back again writing because mentally I am not strong enough to process what is happening. Hahaha.

Got triggered in the worst of all possible ways, I was watching this movie called.....um, wait

.

.

All the bright places! And the main guy in this movie Theodore Finch, dude he is so bright and light gosh, I envy his radiation but they also show that the brightest of people when they do dark, it's a whole new dark, kinda like darker than black. Seeing someone as bright as that go out is....not good, fuck I cant even think of words to write with today.

I guess all I am trying to say is, lately how life has been going, I dont feel like I am in control of it anymore, I am so indecisive and confused as to what to do next? I am overthinking my whole life and its choices, for fuck's sake, it's so bad that I overthink what fucking side of the bed to get up from so as to ensure I dont have a bad day. Staying positive is fun and all but nobody tells you how hard it is because being positive becomes a personality trait and when you arent positive, you dont know what to be and keep constantly feeling guilty about not being okay. Cant even isolate myself or go off the grid because of how life is right now. Makes me wonder if I have the will and strength to survive it?

I don't know but how life has been lately, making me question the most basic choices everyday, I just cant figure myself out and it's almost like....... I dont recognize myself anymore and I dont know who I am.

That's depressing....to not know who you are or what you are or to be able to look in the mirror and not recognize the face staring back at you.

I guess its really bad today, but I've gotten through worse before, hopefully I can get through this, alive. Maybe.

It's really bad though. Sitting on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out and trying my best to not not break down hence I am right here writing my pain away pretending it might solve something.

I guess I am empty now but the feelings still persists inside.

Edit-spoiler alert.

He dies. Someone as bright as him died. Fuck. He died. He drowns and fuck that has got me so fucked up and triggered. Bright people die? They can help everyone but themselves.

The movie had a good ending though, kinda.

You can find the brightest of places in dark times too and if you cant then you need to be the light.

Me.