無声

”> I am not a body. I am a soul in a body I cannot control. personal my food faq ED Story ask away! May or may not be triggering. I used to be blessmewithacurse

[birdhearts]

hey guys, have Instagram?

I'm blogging and updating more over on my Instagram and would love to follow or be followed by you lovely beauties.

I'm blackbirdhearts on Instagram. :)

[birdhearts]

Unknown calorie apple turnover the size of my hand,why the hell not?!?! Recovery rocks SOME times :)

[birdhearts]

A before and after, just by my face. Already my skin is brighter, eyes clearer, I'm healthier. Four and a half months, a lot of yummy food and backbreaking bars work is starting to pay off

[birdhearts]

I'm going home for a few days! Goodbye Glasgow,hello Norwich! I'm so damn nervous - my first time home and seeing my family in three months. How will I cope with food, self harm and exercise? How will I manage my time and anxiety? Right now, I don't care. I so happy to be rid of the god damn hospital for a few days

 Sure, it saved my life, and I can recognise that I still need it, but it just drains the bloody life and normality it of you sometimes.

[ellendegeneres]

[birdhearts]

stop posting until you're really serious about getting well cause it's getting annoying! How long have you been in recovery? stop looking for attention and salvage what little brain power you have left before it's too late cause this is getting ridiculous. The moment I found out it was anorexia that was causing my regressed mental state I would have been damned if I went another second without eating. It is really that easy. Just choose to eat and that's it. Stahp the drama. I no feel sorry 4 u

Well, why don't you step into my shoes and see how damn easy it is to eat? Take my thoughts, take my mind, and see how you cope. No, this is an outlet for me, and I'm not triggering in any way. I have my ups and my downs and of course I'm going to struggle. It's natural to struggle. I've been in recovery on and off for five or so years, and it doesn't make it any easier. Well done for being able to conquer your anorexia, but for some of us it simply isn't that easy. Have some compassion and understanding, please.

[birdhearts]

You know, your disordered habits are going to fade. So, they're more and more angry because they want to stay. But you are stronger and you'll be able to beat them. Much love Lucy 🍃

Thank you darling. You all are so lovely and kind to me, and every time I slip up, you're so forgiving and supportive and understanding. I'll never give up, I promise xx

[birdhearts]

Just because I engaged in ED behaviours yesterday, does not mean I will allow it to ruin today. So today was a make up free, muffin Monday :)

[birdhearts]

I'm sick of this shit

It's still there, this disease, rotting inside of me, creating a black hole where my soul and personality should be. I'm still sick, and sick of being sick.

At afternoon snack I got a large coffee and a porridge pot. Bad move. Too filling on my stomach and boom! I reverted back to old habits, and now I'm bloody eyed, nose streaming, head pounding. Why did I do it? It's not like I binged or over-ate. It was within my meal plan. I was allowed it. I needed to have it, and yet down the pan it went. As one thing gets better, another gets worse it seems. If my restricting eases, my purging or my self harming gets worse, or I exercise more. I'm still deep in my anorexia, only it's challenging it's fighting spirit into other behaviours.

Sick sick sick and tired.

[guardians-of-the-food]

Peanut Butter Apple Banana Bread

[jehovahhthickness]

Stop looking for people to clap for you. Clap for yourself.

[birdhearts]

Oh look, my 30 year old face with wrinkles and minting teeth. Yeah, get a life anon.

I'm going home for the first time in four months next week. I've got so many plans - I'm seeing my baby nephew (6 months!) and taking my baby dog for a haircut. Ive meal planned for the weekend. Stir frys with real oil and not stupid bloody one calorie spray! Real banoffee pie, not crappy weight watchers versions. I'm so excited, I haven't seen my family since I got admitted. It's getting to the point where I'm getting stuck in the bubble of the hospital, and becoming disconnected with the real world. It gets bad when your surrounded by eating disordered people. Strange habits and strange bodies, which become your normality, but actually aren't normal at all. So, this break will give me the motivation and drive that I so desperately need right now.

[birdhearts]

You're already starting to look 30 and you're what? 20? Your teeth don't look well and you kinda have wrinkles... By the time you're 30 you'll look 50 like a crackhead? And your mental state will be deteriorated as such also... Do you really wish that for yourself? Just to be skinny and look like the sickest in the group? For attention you're willing to sacrifice your happiness and well being? Only food can bring you happiness... Literally... You need the vitamins to create dopamine... Eat!

Excuse me?!?! I agree that when I was sick I looked sick. I was gaunt and ugly. But now? Im sorry, but I'm afraid I don't look that bad. My teeth are wonky because I never had braces, and I don't bloody have wrinkles - they're laughter lines. Yes, I'm not healthy yet, but how dare you say I look 30. I agree that health is the most beautiful thing, and I'm not there yet, but I'm on my way. I understand that this message was supposed to be helpful but has actually really hurt me. I can't change my face, and I can't change my teeth, it's just the way I look, and I'm doing everything in my power to recovery.

[elkking]

[princess-peachie]

This is a quality post

[birdhearts]

Update - I'm still fighting and alive. Things are difficult at the moment, with patients being very underweight, and me almost at a health weight. Anorexi is going wild with the whole comparing thing. There's patients I literally cannot stand. But I'm doing my best. I'm challenging my fears.

One of my big fears is unknown calories, or spontaneous, unplanned food. At the hospital, we plan our meals, but recently I've been going out for snacks. So here's my second of many snacks that I do not know the calories of - a fruit scone. It was delicious! :)

[birdhearts]

One of my biggest fear foods ever. A banana and toffee muffin from an independent coffee shop. Unknown calories, unknown place, unknown food. And let me tell you, it was bloody delicious.

[birdhearts]

You are allowed to look pretty, and to say you look pretty. It isn't self-obsessed, it's self love and you deserve it.

I freaking love you.self love and self care does not mean I'm selfish, it means I'm human dx