I’ve always been way too obsessed with what other people think of me, even if they’re complete strangers. It’s probably the above a decade of intense bullying and harassment along with teachers who don’t do anything and parents who do their best despite it ending up the same. I was always too weird, too ugly. Too loud, too silent. I tried everything, I became a people pleaser and I sacrificed all I had so that people liked me. They never truly liked me. It’s weird, I became sort of.. obsessed with hearing rumors about me? What did who say, what did they write? Does everyone hate me? I tried to fix it but my anger always got the worst of me. I kept fueling that anger more and more, constantly checking up on ex friends with connections of other ex friends to see if they gossip about me.. it was extremely unhealthy. It still is, and I still am sort of like that. I get mad at people who don’t deserve it, I demand explanations from people who don’t owe me any. And im sorry. But im working on it, I really am. I’ve been going to therapy for over a year now. I needed it way before but the cancer diagnosis was my starting point. I don’t see any improvement on myself but my therapist says she does.. I don’t get it. But I hope I am improving. I never mean to hurt people, but I end up doing so anyways. And then I become too prideful to truly apologize because I fueled my anger by seeing all the things they’ve said about me, things I’ve earned, things they’re right about, and the need to insult them and defend myself pushes harder than acknowledging my wrongs and apologizing. I do end up doing the second option, but only after doing the first one. I keep screwing myself up, I show people I haven’t changed at all. And it makes me more and more mad, at myself. I believe im emotionally intelligent. I like to think im empathetic and sympathetic because I always think about how I would feel if I was in their place. And I often find myself resonating with them. But I only truly understand they’re in the right after I mess everything up, and then it’s too late. I am hated by everyone and by that point, I turn into a scared kitten, arched and puffed up, hissing to try to protect itself. I know im wrong. But it’s so hard to acknowledge it when everyone says im wrong. Though they’re right. I’m a grown ass woman with a job, and I always feel shame when I think of the kind of person I am. My obsessiveness with people who don’t even know me, the anger I always seem to be aching to fuel.. it all weighs down on me before I end up on a rampage. I’ll explain it like this to my therapist on Sunday.. maybe I’ll start a new medication or something, I don’t know. I just.. don’t want to be like this anymore. I hate this. I hate myself.
Anyways, thank you for reading to anyone who did.. I missed having friends and connections here. And I’d like to build more. Mutuals I haven’t spoken To in months, please, let’s talk. I could always use more new friends, though im not sure you’d actually want to be friends with me after reading all of that. I’d appreciate it though. :)
