I think moral ocd is ruining my life
I’ve never been good at making political content. It’s not that I’m apolitical I just feel as if anything I want to say has already been said better by someone else. So I’ll share/repost other peoples political stuff, just never make my own. That’s normal, right?
Except that’s not why, is it? Not the whole reason anyways. Really it’s because I feel I’m going to prove I don’t or didn’t care enough. If I start making political art now, it proves I didn’t care enough in the past, and if I don’t make it for every little event going forward it means I don’t care enough in the future. And that’s not to mention how little I care NOW being proven by the art not being good enough.
The Wasteland Country fanart was a step in the right direction. It’s not original still but I made something. And I don’t think it made it seem like I don’t care. If I didn’t care why would I made it? Doesn’t matter, brain stupid, brain say not perfect you piece of shit you die fuck you.
I’ve posted 4 arts since new years. I used to post every day, what happened? Not job. Even when work was the most busy in summer I still posted once a week. Burnout? Maybe, but I think more. And I don’t think it’s bad to take breaks. I don’t have to post often and I don’t have to draw if I don’t want to. But I want to draw. Can’t. Why? The same reason I don’t draw political art, spread now to all art: my brain is an uppity little shit who won’t get off it’s high horse. And it’s interacted with my autism in the worst possible way. I have lots of oc, many oc, hundreds. Autism puts empathy on things not human, autism puts empathy on things not real. That’s fine, that’s good, means I love all my ocs very much. Autism has special interest, autism attaches to one specific oc, very special guy, and his friends! I have much fun drawing special guy and his special friends. Feel a little bad for ocs I don’t draw because I put empathy on them but that’s okay. Except uh oh! Here comes the fuckin fun police to say no it’s not. “You’re drawing special guy too much, your content is over saturated with one thing, you’re neglecting all the other guys. I’m going to withhold special guy, you’re not allowed to draw special guy until you draw something else. Fuck you.”
What the fuck dude? What if I want to draw what I want? Well. Sometimes I want to draw something besides special interest anyways, so whatever. Look, I drew album I like, and pombon, is this good? “NO.” Why? “You had too much fun so it doesn’t count. You aren’t allowed to have fun. Drawing something besides special interest is meant to be punishment for drawing too much thing you like.”
…Dude. I guess I just won’t fucking draw then??? If I’m not allowed to have fun with it then why would I do it then? It’s a hobby not my fuckin job.
So then I don’t draw and then I have no fun and then I go insane. And I’ve tied my creative expression so intrinsically to my identity that I start to feel like I’m not a person anymore. I am a blank placeholder creature. Hello. I become avoidant because why talk to people I am not person? Writer friends maybe you’ve noticed how I’m active in roleplay spaces but nowhere else? If you wondered why well there’s your answer I simply don’t exist anymore but at least my characters do because my characters can’t stop existing if they were never real to begin with. It’s just easier to be a 45 year old lizard man than it is to be myself right now. Sorry.
Anyways all that to say what was already explained by the first line. I just wanted to explain my absence and apologize for being such a hollow void of a presence. I really don’t know what to do. I promise I’m trying to fix it.
ellievsbear
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
izzy806
kianamaiart