Why I don't like Christmas.
Amongst my friends I'm notoriously known for hating Christmas and expressing it during December. It has nothing to do with religion, or actually the holiday itself. And when they ask me why, I just defer the question and say I don't like it, because it's just too painful to talk about it.
I had my last real Christmas at the age of 11, in 2006. That's an age one remembers and the memories of the holiday live in me. I had a big family, we always celebrated at home on the 24th, as most families do here, then went to one of my grandmothers' on the 25th and to the other on the 26th.
In 2007, I lost my paternal grandmother. Earlier that year my father was diagnosed with cancer and spent most of December in a hospital. He was let home for Christmas, but he was already stage IV and we just knew he was dying. That year, my grandmother - who at the time was my only grandparent left - came over to us instead on the 25th and we visited her sister who lived nearby. But obviously the holiday was overshadowed by the inevitable loss that was coming.
In early 2008, I lost my father. My mother, my two siblings and my grandmother was the only family left. Christmas was quiet, I spent most of it at my grandmother as nothing else felt right without my father.
In late 2009, my grandmother got severely ill and she's been hospitalised too. So, I've spent the holidays in a hospital with her. Of all my family, I was the closest to her, the thought of losing her too wasn't something that the 14 years old me could cope with.
On my brother's birthday in 2010, my grandmother passed away. My only family was my mother and my siblings (and my stepfather, whom I never counted until I actually moved out). Christmas have become this thing for me when we celebrate something on the 24th, then we either shout for the rest of Christmas or the family left me at home to go to my stepfather's family. Or both.
Over the years the holiday has been transformed from a big family festivity spanning three days with lots of love to a bitter evening on the 24th and being alone for the rest.
So why I don't like Christmas? Because I don't have anyone left to share it with. One afternoon on the 24th, and that's it. For the rest I am constantly reminded of the losses over a short period of time, with which I have to deal alone.
