Expectation. Sharper edges than what you wanted.
Those aren't paper cuts from a piece of paper
hold the lighter, hold the lighter tighter than
the chest feels now aint that really real
burning a defining piece of paper
He read an acceptance letter, eyes running down words outlining a longer future than he thought he wanted to work for. It is a university that caters to pre-law students, and his father’s hand had clapped him on the back. "Amida, Buddha!" Amida Buddha. He is never at the root of his own actions.
Pious men with unrealistic goals dig holes
in the child and how do you define what is undefinable
pray to god? pray to god. are you on your knees to please
or on your knees for the vast majority begging please
just accept me.
His father is not even a devout Buddhist but retreats to prayers of thanks to a deity instead of acknowledging his son.
They clasped their hands together, head bowed before they went to exclaim to the rest of the family about Kunpimook’s success. What is his success, is always his father’s by association. That’s the way it is, and he learned not to claim something unless he wanted to be shunned for it. He was sitting there, reading this letter and waiting for the relieved exhalation and excitement. He mirrored it with a small smile when his brother ruffled his hair. They were working three jobs just to take care of dad and his sister had just entered a cosmetology school thirty minutes from the apartment. He would have been the first one to attend university.
this is not yours, remember to give thanks to more
on the stage that is yours hand the bits and pieces
out until you feel hollowed out. these are your words
and lines, everyone lies a little 'just give me a little'-- Time.
He looks at this letter now and his mind turns over all the sleepless nights, the refusal toward friends for late-night parties. How he had gotten drunk the night before his last finals, mind higher than the sky and eyes far away from equations. If not for that one slip, he would have been valedictorian. His father’s rage had been so dark compared to their happiness then. It floats away just as his thoughts do now.
Then he’s snapping back into his own skin. Letter of acceptance stuffed into his back pocket and replaced with tickets to South Korea before he runs to catch his seat.
burned yourself out you idiot kid, Not so
devout now are you son. not to father
never knew mother an' don't tell me
she would be sad when you get so mad
claim you never wanted me an' take
everything from me
There is a problem with expectation.
Those who bow under it are labeled fools and failures, they forget the kids are kids. What they like about that is liking to see the legacy sit on their shoulders—everyone wants a claim of something that is not theirs to feel as if they have done something worth doing, and Kunpimook caved under the weight of too much expectation.
He’ll call it something else, though. Even when his father rejects him for this decision and the family casts him out.
And make the mistake of not realizing this is just another version of running.
areudirty
kaledo-art
vaporwave
yousharknotpass
