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any pronouns, bodily adult, pfp and header are not mine

[black--mercury]

The System who run this blog

This is our disorder centered blog, be warned, there is triggering things! we'll vent and also reblog helpful posts about disability, or relatable things, idk, our audience is disorder blogs

We also switch between i/me and we/us pronouns a lot (we're more used to using i/me due to masking plurality)

Before You Follow

My disabilities i'll complain about:

Mental disorders: DID/OSDD, NPD, AVPD, Antisocial traits, C-PTSD & Autism

I suffer from chronic dissociation and i'm a closeted queer too

I frequently deal with blood pressure drops (i might get a cane for it in future)

I am an ex-muslim suffering from religious trauma as well as still enduring it and camouflaging as a loyal muslim to survive in an islamic country in middle east

I'm very... suicidal

We'll block you if:

You believe in narc abuse and insult any other mental disorders, if you fake claim people, if you're pro-contact for harmful paraphilias, if you're a puritan, you blindly protect islamic ideologies (if you're a muslim and don't want me to convert back i have nothing against you), R°adfems and harmful Radqueers

AND if you're against self diagnosis (seriously, i had my second psychiatrist outright have to admit she is a bad doctor and she's been prescribing me random meds just for money, she had to admit that so we don't send her to courthouse, so don't even try to convince me to think researching mental disorders and self diagnosing yourself are inherently invalid)

We don't want to engage in system discourse, all systems are welcome and safe here (I'm traumagenic myself, i just have nothing against anyone and i rather continue to learn about how endogenic systems work than to pick a side and argue blindly)

[black--mercury]

AAIT NO WAY YOURE ALSO FROM IERAN

DUH BRO

It's so hard to get on Tumblr with VPN man

[black--mercury]

Person who understands islam has issues caught in the wild? I was getting disheartened seeing so many people dickride this shitty religion like their life depends on it and call any criticism "islamophobia."

FINALLY SOMEONE GETS IT

[getjinxzed]

developing npd and aspd from being emotionally abused is funny cause its like. hahaaaaa!! cant guilt trip me if i physically cant feel guilt or give a fuck about how you feeeeeelll!!!!!

my trauma may have made me a monster but at least nobody can hurt me like that anymore

[nudelakesideflorist]

It's like a suite of armor~

[black--mercury]

Am i the only one who doesn't like most of people in the aspd tag

[maive-the-sheep]

No, that's understandable.

Quite a lot don't understand tumblr and so they think "I have aspd so I will tag all my original posts as aspd even if it's completely unrelated" clogging up the search.

And cause aspd can be comorbid with adhd and autism in decent frequency. Some have it but are talking about things unrelated like alexithymia, which is just a trauma thing and can have it even when neurotypical.

And some hyper mask in public so much that these places are the only place safe and so it almost works like how intermittent explosive disorder works for those people (with intermittent explosive disorder, they hold in their anger, try to suppress, and that causes more lash outs and random outbursts)

And as somebody that knows the research. And knows it's just like adhd in that genetic but childhood trauma and neglect can amplify it. The amount that treat it as just trauma, can be so tiring and boring.

If you want my thoughts which is more from a neurodivergence standpoint, of anything specific including figure self out, feel free to reach out.

[black--mercury]

I will DM you because i have been trying to research aspd and i'm struggling

Mind?

[maive-the-sheep]

As someone officially diagnosed with aspd.

I don't get the problem people have with self diagnosers.

Aspd on record means if go to jail get a worse sentence.

Aspd on record means many therapist in their ableism will refuse to help with any problem.

I knew i had no guilt or shame or affective empathy or feelings of compassion from earliest memories. I didn't suddenly lose those feelings when i got diagnosed.

And there is genetic evidence for aspd.

And there are psychologists that view it more like a neurodevelopmental disorder.

"Well the dsm 5"...was written by people who used studies only on prisoners for their results so it became more action focused over internal as a way to reinforce the prisoner claim.

And it's a work in progress authority...that you are blindly obeying and believing? Now that's a trait that doesn't fit aspd.

Reflect on actual symptoms like problems with boredom. Lower, missing, or weirdly selective care for feelings of compassion, affective empathy, guilt, shame, care. Things viewed differently for you then norm. Urges. Response to things. Having rules need to be explained to make sense and not just accepted in their own right. Etc.

Knowing a spectrum and if fit enough, fit enough.

And then if fit do the best to use how different for best way forward. Like i use my selfishness for long term prisoners dilema as a motivation for me to do good. I turned my high anger into motivation. I found beauty in various things as an alleviation for boredom. Etc.

Tl;dr those "with aspd" trying to fake claim others cause no official diagnoses...are the ones most likely to not have aspd.

[antisocial-pd-culture-is]

ASPD Culture is I don’t want to be the bigger person, I want you dead.

- 🥀🪼.

★

[avpdculture]

Avpd+ aspd culture is I’m so sick of my father making fun of me all these years and saying it’s a joke. Like damn I can’t function anymore and was always told I was the problem and how I was viewing it and no one took me seriously. Now I got a fucked up personality.

Which a lot of people think avpd and aspd are completely different disorders. But if you really dissect them your still hiding what your really like and don’t want people seeing what your really like.

My inferiority acts with my superiority a lot. Not in a npd cycle way. But I have to hide how I really feel and can’t show how sad and weak that made me but then I go isolate and cry because no one can see me that way. But acting like that didn’t hurt at all and how I’m completely okay due to the hard rejection that just hit. Because if I don’t I will be eaten by the sharks that once hurt me before and I can’t be treated like that again. Even though I’m not showing how I really react and how I see people.

Trying to get someone to tell me something without telling me. Which can be manipulation but also I don’t want to be rejected so I need to figure how to talk about something and see their reaction before hand.

I really say don’t care what other people think but it’s because iv felt rejected over the years so I don’t really get close to anyone anymore. It’s like my brain decided to stop hiding but now I wear what I want but I don’t truly show all of me or develop interpersonal relationships. Cuz it’s like everyone’s gonna react the same way. But then when I try I still feel that when someone reacts a certain way. That small rejection that puts up my wall. Maybe once certain things change it will be different but idk anymore feels like a chutes and ladders that keeps going with no end.

I’m so bored a lot of times and need thrills. My go to is horror movies and art, food, stimuli, arguments, daydreams are my go to in all of it. But a lot people think it’s better that I don’t react anymore to things that put me in danger. But danger can mean many things. Anything that you don’t realize can hurt you. I ate something that wasn’t cooked all the way through and was like ehh I will be fine I think it’s pretty much cooked. Again neglect. I’m so sick of people saying that aspd are abusive.

I didn’t ask for this life. I still can’t really connect to people. One is not better than the other. They both suck.

Being angry sucks but then when I actually speak up for myself people get upset. I don’t know what people expect from me anymore. You tell me to speak up but when I do they don’t want it like that. I’m not getting anger I’m just speaking my mind and standing up for myself. But if it’s something they don’t believe in or opinions are different it’s like what i say is wrong.

Don’t get me wrong I’m able to do more things alone and be more myself and develop a self esteem and confidence but I feel people still let me down. That’s why I trust myself and no one else.

I’m also sick of people saying iv gotten better cuz i don’t really hideaway anymore. I still do internally as well as still have my days and my walls. But it’s so annoying because it’s like you can do this thing now. This isn’t recovery in some way yes. But when you’re craving thrill and all these things to stop the boredom and pain because my stress response doesn’t act the same anymore is bullshit. It’s not nice to have less of a stress response because there is some type of pressure that needs to be fulfilled due to it being under stimulated.

No it’s not always food or buying things it’s more it’s like a craving for Chaos but it sucks because I still have a rejection and avoidant complex that work off of each other. It’s like a tug of war. I can do things that fulfill it without people but I just want to be okay again. Because my avpd is still there but people see me as well u get out more and are talking to people more. Again because my mind wants chaos and got so sick of being treated like shit and going through so much hell and isolating myself my brain decided no more you must not care anymore and crave what you didn’t get a chance to In highschool and in your 20’s. But I still have symptoms that stop me from connection as well as just talking to people for the fun of it and avoiding deeper connections.

I didn’t talk about a lot of other symptoms I just needed to vent I hope that’s alright I do that. I know this is meant to be a pure avpd blog.

~

[black--mercury]

Am i the only one who doesn't like most of people in the aspd tag

[soci0plath]

hi tumblr i’m an evil bitch and i’m here to teach you how to also be an evil bitch because we need more of me in the world. take notes.

these first steps are about reframing your mentality.

1. you need to relearn your concept of “right” and “wrong.” usually people have a sort of gut feeling when they do things that are considered wrong, and you need to let that go. it does nothing for you and is only there because of the social norms in place, that we’ve all grown up with. that that lying is wrong, that taking things that aren’t yours is wrong, that starting problems on purpose is wrong. these things aren’t wrong, people just want you to think they are because then you’re easier to control. don’t give into that.

2. disregard others’ feelings in pursuit of what you want. your actions may have an impact on their feelings, but ultimately those are their feelings to feel, not yours. they’ll get over it. but you won’t get over the knowledge that if you just were a little crueler, you could have gotten what you’ve always wanted. don’t live in regret. it’s your life. prioritize it.

3. be indifferent to things that have no impact on you. it’s a waste of energy. other people can worry about themselves, and trust me, they do— one thing i’ve learned is that everyone is pretty much only concerned with themselves when it gets down to it. so they’ll be fine. the only difference is most people like to think they’re good and selfless, while i (and soon you) know that we’re selfish and embrace it.

4. this is really important— manipulate. manipulate manipulate manipulate!! lie to people! play the victim! this is the best part imo. making everyone think you’re so sweet and charismatic and fun. dress well, take advantage of pretty privilege, learn how to hold a conversation. it’s what allows you to be evil. because if everyone sees you in such a positive light, you’re able to get away with anything you want.

5. remember that nothing is in your control except you. how you act, what you say, what you do. so control it. and don’t get caught up in shit that’s out of your control. lack of control leads to fear, which leads to vulnerability, which means being taken advantage of.

that’s all for now but lmk if yall want more

[ivy-is-dreaming]

​"You won't feel sad or guilty if you hurt someone"

​That's basically how it is, yes, but it's not all black and white either.

​I have a functional, logical approach to social interaction, so obviously I gain nothing from being a heartless jerk.

​However, there are exceptional situations. If someone close to me had a problem tomorrow, I wouldn't emotionally empathize with them, it's true. But I can be annoyed to see someone I care about being in a bad mood.

​It's also a matter of interest to some extent, I have an interest in not letting a fun person become depressed. I don't necessarily like it when people are in a bad mood in general, that's pretty annoying.

​Following the same logic, if I hurt someone I actually care about, I can have a sense of awareness and be like, "shit." No, I wouldn't actively feel bad about it, but if I know I fucked up, I can try to make amend or be slightly more tender with them to smooth things over if I really value them.

​Yes, I can sometimes see people's feelings as annoying or overblown. But if I mess up and know it, I'll be consistent and try to fix the situation because I benefit from not maintaining tense relationships.

[black--mercury]

Is it me or are almost all humans actually no fun, selfish, bitchass, two faced, pretending to be what they're not, and stuck in their closed mind, and worthless ?

[black--mercury]

I'm gonna self diagnose with STPD (Schizotypal Personality Disorder)

It explains my micro hallucinations and micro delusions and how I'm capable to tell them from reality unlike other schizospecs

and also i have unusual beliefs though i can also tell that apart from non-disordered spirituality

In the past i used to not tho

[black--mercury]

I'm cancelling it

I doubt it a lot

Idk I'll just say I'm prone to mild psychosis

[black--mercury]

The system Alters who run this blog:

Trojan. He/Him. _ ❄️ host

Trojan 1.0 she/any 🩸 persecutor, former host & dormant

Urith . she/any. _ 🛡️ protector

Blazer. he/him. _🔥 former host & dormant

Shinsha. any pronouns. _ 🕸️ [access to public vision denied]

Sach. he/they. _🦜 [access to public vision denied]

There are some more we are unable to recognise and name but we "hear" them talk in our mind

If we put nothing under posts, either we forgot to or we are blurry and not sure who is posting

[black--mercury]

Updated

[black--mercury]

[avpdculture]

avpd culture is wanting so badly to go outside and enjoy the weather, but you can't because people will be able to see you...

- 🐜⚙️

~

[black--mercury]

Don't tell me there is gonna be a Trojan 3.0 💀💀💀💀💀

I feel like I'm splitting, my body is doing the thing again when an alter is splitting