@littlepuff-rosier
There was a sense of guilt that Helena felt as her cousin spoke. Narcissa had obviously gotten the short end of the stick in their family, and it broke her heart to hear about the life she had missed out because of her family’s decisions. However, Helena loved the Tonks family, and she couldn’t imagine Andy living any other life. Helena just wished that Cissa hadn’t had to pay the consequences for it. As she justified it Helena felt a pit in her stomach. That was what her parents had planned for her as well. She wasn’t expected to work; she was meant to stay home, provide children, and be the pretty house wife. “I’m glad it’s worked out for you, Cissa. You deserve to be happy.”
As the tears pooled in her eyes she willed them to go away. She felt a sense of embarrassment as well as the panic she was already facing. Helena wrapped her hand around the other girls as it made contact with her arm, trying to ground herself. Helena nodded her head, listening to her cousin’s words. Cissa was right, her brother had told her many times that she held the only bit of goodness in the Rosier line. “What if it’s not enough though Cissa?” she asked softly.
“What if it’s someone like my father?” Helena whispered, fear laced in her words. “I don’t want to live the life my mother did.” Her father was beyond cold and distant; he was cruel. “Men like that can’t love.” She gave a sharp nod, noting that she heard the blondes words. “Goodness isn’t enough” I’m not going to be enough.
Helena knew she’d never survive a marriage like her parents. She was sure that before Edwin had children to take his rage out on, her mother had been his target. Her heart rate picked up as she got lost in a sea of what ifs and memories, and her breathing became more unsteady. Cissa’s voice was drown out as she closed her eyes and tried to contain the panic and fear that she was feeling.
She barely registered that her cousin had gotten up and and come back to her. Helena’s hands shakily wrapped around the bottle, and without much prompting she drank it. If her cousin was handing it to her, she assumed it was safe. As the liquid spread through her she felt herself beginning to relax. Helena felt her mind begin to quiet, and her sense of panic depleting. She wiped her eyes, and focused on steadying her breath. After a moment she nodded, even if she didn’t really believe that Evan had any say, it was easier to hold onto that then to think about the fact that they were both powerless. “If anyone can convince him, it’s Evan” she agreed softly. “I’m sorry Cissa, I didn’t intend on- I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry” Helena finished ungracefully.
She did not like to talk about that part of her life, she did not like to even think about that night and the torturous year that followed. Narcissa had retreated within herself, shutting away almost all of her friends. To everyone but those who knew her best, she was perfectly happy, That mask she still sometimes wore when people brought it up.
But Narcissa tried to be honest with Helena, to give her some sort of hope that her marriage would work out just like the Malfoy’s did. She smiled fondly at the girl, a genuine smile that she rarely showed. “Thank you, I am happy really.” And she was. When she did not think Andromeda, or her unfinished schooling, or the child she did not yet have. And she wouldn’t let herself think that Lucius might have loved Andromeda more than her.
“it will be enough, if I can find happiness and love in my life, then you who is so full of life and love surely will.” Narcissa was not one for mantras and other sort of self help ideas, but she believed in the power of thought, that words had significance. It would be a self-fulfilling prophecy if Helena thought she wouldn’t be enough, then she would act this way. Narcissa willed herself to become friends with Lucius, to at least not hate her life entirely, and they fell in love.
“I do not think that your father will chose someone exactly like him, purely due to his own ego not wanting another man like him in your life.” Narcissa was not entirely sure that this was true. But it did no good for the younger girl to hurt herself with worry over something that was not yet set in stone and out of her control. “You are nothing like your mother, and you will not end up that way because you will not allow yourself to be forced.” She wrapped her cold hand around the other girls, and tried to reassure her.
She could remember exactly when she first started taking the calming potions. She was 14, at school and under the pressure of her mother to be perfect,and she snapped. After catching the youngest Black shaking in the hall outside the Slytherin common room, Professor Slughorn sent her to the nurse, where she was given her first calming potion. After the spectacular numbing nothingness she got from the potion, Narcissa needed more. She was always talented at potions, and began to brew her own.
“No, no, do not apologize, my love. I am here for you whatever you need.” She didn’t bring up the potion, perhaps they would both ignore it, as Narcissa tended to ignore most unpleasant things. But if Helena needed more, Cissa would send the younger as much as she wanted. “Of course, Evan loves you too much to let you go to someone terrible, he will look out for you.”
