These Pages Learn to Think

If this is all I have to give, these written words exposing within.

[blackinkrevenge]

Easy

I'm not easy to love.

Yet you love me like,

it's second nature.

As if you've had centuries to practice.

Almost as if,

a part of you was just...

Built for me.

[blackinkrevenge]

I know if I was standing in front of a loaded gun I wouldn't dodge the bullet

[blackinkrevenge]

Lost

Lost in an abyss of my own emotion I cry into the bottles where I keep my ocean

It must be harder for you to get to me Then it is for I not to drown at sea

Take your gear and straight back to shore I've given up, I need no more.

[blackinkrevenge]

Long Talks on the Beach

The waves curl White foam crashing over itself again and again

I watch the water Touch the sand Writing about heartbreak in coiled cursive

The lines of the sand are etched on your face As the waves crash violently down your cheeks

[blackinkrevenge]

Blizzard

When you've spent your life in the cold, the first time (and every time there after) you feel a tinge of warmth in your cheeks... It will hurt.

  My wounds are agape and festering. Your skin is salty. When you reach out to heal me, the sting of your touch causes me to withdraw. When you try again, I lash out and cause wounds of my own on your skin.

  You feel that sting from my bite and you know what it is like to be me.

  I can't apologize for that.

  You should have known I belonged in the wild when you found me caught up in your blizzard.

[blackinkrevenge]

No one knows the way your heart tastes like I do.

[blackinkrevenge]

You Feel Like Heaven to Me

Did you know 

that you feel like 

heaven to me?

  Heaven is a place I visited often as a child.

A cabin on a lake that the locals knew about

But the tourists didn't

  I remember so vividly 

That relaxing feeling of freedom 

When the scent of pine needles hit my nose

Oh, and of course, every year

The sign for the resort

that my parents made me stand by so they could take a picture.

  Every picture I am older & I am happy 

Until life got in the way

And we could no longer afford to go.

  As the years went on

Even the most barren parts of my soul

Longed for that feeling

  That feeling I got sitting on the dock, 

listening to the waves crash around me

The smell of a campfire just up the hill

  The way my father smiled

When we took the boat out onto the lake

And I insisted we let every fish we caught go

  How loving my mother's eyes looked 

As they locked with mine

After I came back from a long swim

  It has been so long 

Since that feeling left me

Since my parents left me

  But I have found heaven in your kiss

In the smallest part of your hand

In the way you cradled me when I told you,

  "Did you know 

that you feel like 

heaven to me?"

[blackinkrevenge]

Duct Tape

"You can fix anything with duct tape!" She said knowingly, as if she had fixed her entire life with it.

I looked at her and honestly could believe her if she said she did.

She, herself, was a patchwork of broken promises and empty apologies. 

I just can't tell the difference between the ones made to her, or the ones she's made herself. 

[blackinkrevenge]

Outsider

I have spent the majority of my life observing the world around me. I was not allowed to participate, so I analyzed every occurrence, every interaction, every facial twitch, and every strained “I’m fine, how are you?” I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone I have loved is sad. I seek that out because I don’t know how to interact with people who haven’t had their hearts broken. That untouched happiness seems almost unbearable to someone like me. Oh, the many nights have I spent being comforted by my own despair. When the happy people hit a low, who do they have to comfort them, to remind them this is ok? Everyone lives as if they have some sort of control over what happens next. As if they are solely responsible for the rest of humanity’s actions, and that when something horrible happens it was something they could prevent. I am not crazy for being able to recognize what I am and am not in control of. I understand the world differently because my own world has always been different. I see the normal as broken hearts and tired souls. They see the normal as happy and stable. When it isn’t that, it’s traumatic for them and familiar to me. Depression makes the most sense when it’s all you’ve ever known. I can’t teach that to someone who doesn’t understand it, and I, therefore, can never expect them to understand me.

[blackinkrevenge]

Dreams for the Restless

By night, I hate my dreams.

By morning, I want nothing more then to return to them.

By day, I feel sick waiting for the sun to set.

How long will you haunt me?

[blackinkrevenge]

Feed

feed

your

addiction

  push

pull

scratch

  hate

yourself

  like

I

hate

you

  but

don't

forget

  to

love

your

daughter

[blackinkrevenge]

The Usual

I sit at my usual place at the bar and order my usual triple-shot espresso.

The usual waiter looks at me like, "Are you serious?"

And I think to myself,

"Well, that should be easy enough. Right?"

But it's never quite that simple, is it?

See, outside the floor to ceiling windows I'm seated in front of, the world is ending.

The wind whips up thick snow in circles, like mini tornadoes tearing through the street. 

The police station next door is the warmest thing in the city, as the people have set it on fire.

They stand outside, pulling their collars up and hiding their frozen tears.

Every other person is tapped on the shoulder by a gust of snow, right before it engulfs them and they disappear.

But I want my coffee, goddamnit. So why is the bartender looking at me like I'm crazy?

"Shouldn't you be with your family right now?"

Oh.

It's been so long since I had one, I forgot that's where most people would go when they were about to die.

I look at him as he passes me my hot drink.

"You're the one working, aren't you?"

He chuckled and wiped the bar down, his eyes refusing to acknowledge the chaos outside.

The people's anger swallowed us both whole when the police station crashed down on our tiny restaurant.

The world's sadness covered us in white blankets.

At least when he and I ended, we weren't alone.

[blackinkrevenge]

Wolves

Last night, I ran with the wolves.

My feet hit the cold hard ground, then my hands.

The wind whipped my hair around my face, frost forming around my nose before I sprouted fur.

It was a slow and painful change, but I felt more like myself as a wolf then I did as a woman.

We ran for hours and I never grew tired.

No destination or intention.

Just running for the sake of running.

Is this my pack now?

I thought I had found my place long before this.

A lone wolf, needing nor wanting anyone else.

The power of many is still pulsing through me, as I sit here the woman I once was.

This skin feels like a lie. 

[blackinkrevenge]

Arrogant Diamonds

I found all the nice things you had to say

Hidden among your judgements and snide remarks

I picked the tiniest gems out of the dirt you threw at me

and reveled over how shiny they were

"Not that I don't think you're worthy..."

We both know that in a short time

I'll be better than you ever were

One day

When I meet a younger me

I hope I'm less arrogant then you are

& know when it's time to give praise

Instead of when it's time to give in.

[blackinkrevenge]

Love Kills, Smoking Heals

Chainsmoking thoughts type themselves into my phone. God, I love you. The smoke, or you, the one who plagues my heart as much as you heal it? Your own chainsmoke will smother the room with regret and anger long before I can finish what I have to say. This isn't just you, I should say. It's everyone I've ever loved. Maybe my love is as toxic as the tar in our cigarettes. Even if you didn't smoke, you'd still be caught up in my cancer. Or maybe I'd be swept up in your ashes, lost among the beauty of the way you exhale my name. But what use is that information now that our lungs are dying?

[blackinkrevenge]

Cry

I cry in the morning. When the pain is fresh from the nightmares When my heart is the most wary When your presence is gone from my bed I cry when no one's there. When only my arms can wrap themselves around me When comfort can't be found When no one can see how weak I actually feel I cry almost every day. When harsh words spoken for no reason cut me When I remember how much I miss her When the heartbreak feels like it happened yesterday I cry when you aren't looking. When you have no idea how much pain I carry inside of me When you don't realize how much I wish I had your life When I don't want to lose you like I've lost everyone else I cry like this because I am always crying. It's just that no one notices my tears.

[blackinkrevenge]

Dreaming

There is no other way I’d like to spend my night than next to you. But considering the circumstances, I don’t think its appropriate for me to tell you the things I want you to hear. While we were sitting in the car, lost due to our own frustration and impatience, you told me how you dreamed of me years before we met. The knife was still in your back when I thought to say anything, its cold blade cutting into you to relieve the pain left by another. As your knuckles turned white while wrapped around my hand, I kissed your forehead and thought about all the times I wanted to be with you. The word on the street was that you were looking for something concrete. I heard chatter of “soulmates” and whispers of “forever.” I fell in love with the you I got to know through everyone else’s hearsay. And now it’s you who needs to hear me say the words that will remove the knife from your back. I’ve been dreaming of you too. Now, I am ready to dream with you. After all, love with a sprinkle of hope is the best medicine for such a deep wound.