Black lights lab

I'll post thoughts and poems that I write <3

[blacklightskettel47]

I used to lay flat in my bed terrified to move, that there was somthing that would kill me if it knew i was awake. So I would sit in silence trying not to cry hopeing the monster wouldn't notice I had woken up. I was so scared for so long until I forgot that there really was a monster. He had different names but he was always the same. Now im scared that that monster, that angry an that ruled my home will always be there but now in me.

[blacklightskettel47]

When ever I notice that time is passing my chest tightens. My breathing gets restricted, my mind gasps. I all so much and nothing at all jsut as I notic that time is moving forward.

Until, I catch my breat and try to forget that time is but this liner construct just to do it all over again in a few seconds. No matter what I do it always comes back shortly after.

Why am I so broken, this isn't fair. I want to scream and hit and kick and cry that this isn't fair! I dont deserve this. I paid my dues befor I even owed anything. I've earned more then my keep so why can't I just have this, please.

[blacklightskettel47]

I wish to leave a sour taste in your mouth when im no longer being smashed by you teeth as they chew me. Or to have a minty smell linger on your breath after you spit me out. I jsut want to habe left a mark on you when you decide that I am no longer yours, now just trash you spit out and discard

[blacklightskettel47]

My breathing gets tight my eyes swell up im choking on my words while you sit there saying it's not the same. The way that you hurt me means less then how I hurt you. Please stop tapping the glass that divides us. Brining attention to it frightens me.

[blacklightskettel47]

Why do you get to do what you want. You blame everything on your handicaps but as soon as I mention mine you get up and walk away because you are uncomfortable with me being your equal.

[blacklightskettel47]

I am starting to realize the things that are keeping me alive are holding back my purpose, writing painting singing and sculpting are all things I was exceptionally thrilled for, do make and create, they all came so easily. They flowed from me like open wrists into the warm bath, but that waters dried up and im still dripping down myself onto the flood of the now dry tub. I can feel the drops slow, yet steady and im jsut numb.

[blacklightskettel47]

Do I have thorns, I feel the layers of my skin and all I feel is this smooth hard to hold falling to the floor slime, but you said that I was sharp to the touch. I tried to grow wings for us but they fell apart and turned into a puddle how can I hold you if I melt to the touch and all you can feel are thorns.

[blacklightskettel47]

I now sit in my little den ive carved for myself in this subway station belly filled with warm cheese fur jsut washed and dried and throughly blazed. It is a good night in my den for I am clean full happy and my den is in the best shape that it's been for quight some while. As I learn to adjust to this new life as a rat, I look back and am proud of my rat self and his disissions (i can't foger how out to spell that word so please read it out) again I say, it sure is a good day to be a rat.

[blacklightskettel47]

This beautiful view i habe from my windows, i yern to capture it but none of my camera can. I can draw and paint but I dont think I can capture something as pretty as it is and warm and comforting it is. Im so scafe that I'll never seen it again when we move and I know I can't see it in my mind. I can't see and I can't hear and it fucking suck@@!!!

[blacklightskettel47]

There's somthing so cold deep with in me, and it's been so cold for so long that im cold to the touch but no one would ever know. No one gets close enough to feel the clod seeping out of me so how would they know im frozen to the touch.

[blacklightskettel47]

At my little rat job doing little rat things during this blizzard. How unfortunate for my poor little rat limb I sure hope they dont get too cold! Oh!! And I hope my tail doesn't freeze into a weird shape or snap off. Wish me and my little rat self luck during this hell storm.

[blacklightskettel47]

I'll sit in session with you and hell come along so we can work things out together befor you hate me and you said it again. That awful awful truth. You haven't been getting better your worse. Your doing worse you'll say. And im broken again. I am so scared that my ok my normal my everyday is so sick that when I think for sure that things are getting better that you can see that they aren't. That im still slow the cliff but I keep getting closer looking over and kicking at the ground as it slowly falls into the deep dark cold ocean water.

I thought i knew how cold water could get but you make it so clear that there's darker colder and harsher water waiting for me and I keep playing games teasing it

Please dont let me fall in because i know i will drown but I just can't do that to you...

[blacklightskettel47]

I can still feel it in me but as a ghost of what it once was. The weight the pressure the consuming everything that it was, strength it had and depleted still are all here but shallow and yet im still drowing into. Im scared that all that's left is rage and this weird and different type of numb that I can't quight reach or articulate in a way that can encapsulate it's suffocation.

[blacklightskettel47]

Why did i have to cry myself to sleep so so many nights as a child wishing, hopeing, even praying for someone anyone to come in and comfort me. I am fill with so much rage that they all heard my screaming and crying for so long. I know they all heard me; I heard them complaining about how it would keep them up at night and how it annoyed them so much. I wished that they would even come in not to check on me, but the even just come in that room and yell at me to shut up. Why was I failed so much so young.

[blacklightskettel47]

Ripping off my flesh i hand the rot and bones over to you for you to look at and hold. Please hold them they are so sharp and cut so deep and they are so heavy. Please let me lie here in pools of my blood it's so warm almost like the womb

[blacklightskettel47]

I look down as this small rat with cheese stuck to his small little claws, and he asked me "will you come down and join me in my world I think you could belong" I look at him with my heart breaking and say "I can't fit into your world im to big... i dont even fit into the world I was born for" he looks at me so warmly "if you already dont fit why not try to not fit you soul into somewhere to tiny, and let it expand all across the sewers filling every hole and crevas that you body can't contain?"

[blacklightskettel47]

I dream of a romance so natural and comfortable that were out late at night in the back of a gas station shop or little farm stand back where they keep the milk and ice-cream and I say some goofy thing and then you smirk at me and cover my mouth and we both laugh. We each get our own ice-cream bc it's such a hot summer night out here in the middle of nowhere in the woods.