The thing about walls is that when you get enough they end up being the mansion that you dwell in. My mansion is filled with love and happy things you know the usual. The photos of me smiling, the Knick knacks and quotes of positivity. But you must’ve forgot that you’re only in the foyer.
Don’t let this room fool you. The outside looks put together but on the inside it’s cold dark and lonely. The love that you see is hate in my eyes and the only question is if you want a tour deep inside.
This mansion is my reality and the reason I hurt. Cause I’m reminded of the roads that I took and the pain that I’ve caused to others and to myself.
My mansion keeps me safe is what the voices love to tell me but this mansion keeps me locked away and afraid of tossing out the keys because it’s the only home I’ve known, but I swear being homeless is better.
To you my mansion is filled with love, but all i see is destruction and hate because the person who built it is filled with reminders that from day one She was never chosen. Never picked by the person who was meant to always protect her.
That room it hurts the most. Its hiding behind the vale of roses and sunflowers to give the illusion that it’s happy but it isn’t. This room I explore daily wondering why I have to be the one to burn it. Why I have to be the one to ask him why he left me. Why he picked a whole family over me and then just left me. Why I still can’t call him daddy without pain in my heart and the tears in my eyes. How I wanna just shout I hate you but I need you!
On this side, I keep the rooms locked and sealed away because if I let you see the inside you’ll see real inner demons and you’ll run and you’ll hide because in these rooms lives a woman who believes you deserve better. You can’t convince her that she’s powerful and fearless because the voices tell her different.
This room over here is home to my depression and anxiety that rules the mind and body. No one understands this room and I don’t think anyone ever can because it’s filled with the thoughts of sadness that can’t be explained and filled with walls of scribble that doesn’t make sense to those looking inside. This room I take a beating, because “just be happy” doesn’t work and how do you explain to someone “I have no reason why I’m sad I just am.” So I lay here and hope the demon lets me out, but by time it does I already forgot what day it is.
This level I No longer have the keys to doors ‘cause the locks change on the daily. I give the key away and they change the locks on me and now Im stuck in a mansion with rooms I can no longer go in and when I do it’s filled with the demon that laughs and makes fun of me. “Why would he want you when your father didn’t want you?”
These rooms are the reminder that I didn’t love myself and allowed her to be used and abused. It’s covered in mirrors so I can’t hide from her when she demands an apology. So I close the rooms and pray that my growth is an apology but she lurks in the background crying and begging for me to acknowledge her.
These walls that I built was meant to keep me safe but it became the pain and heartache that I carry to this day. I don’t know who I am anymore because of this mansion but pray someone will come help me burn it, but this mansion looks like it’s standing regardless.
