love x hope

28 | Engr. | loves to sing | loves movies & anime

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Fuck you for being so fucking good, that goodness of you really fucked me up in the end.

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Meaningless

People were always finding meaning in life, but the truth was, there's really no meaning in life. We only live to die, that's all.

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Why do I have to be so loyal to someone who's never been loyal to me?

I'm feeling so guilty of entertaining a guy that's not him. He screwed me over, he left me with a very huge scar, he forgets about our baby and left just like that. Why do I always have this kind of feeling of betraying my heart because it knows it still belongs to him.

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I'll pretend to let you go.

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I miss you.

I miss you, I miss US. I miss mornings with you, waking up next to you and waking up still in your arms. I miss watching anything with you, movies, series, animes. I miss playing games with you, online games, card games, board games. I miss going out of town with you. I miss sketching random things with you. I miss having deep talks with you. Rather than asking why did we end up this way, I started asking why did we start that way? We will never end up wrong if only we met at the right time. I guess we missed our chance. I remember my prayer since the very first time, "If we can't be together now, we will definitely together in the very end", still hoping it will come true.

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I keep on reminiscing about YOU these days.

I remember how we used to think very alike. How we like things and how our brains aligned when we think or have an opinion on something. We rarely fight, we understood each other very well. How we can be honest with everything without having to think that we could be judged. We always talk and listen, we think deep, we feel deep. I liked that very damn much.

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Warm hands

I thought about you last night, and now it's already morning and I'm still thinking about you so I must be really sane. I suddenly remember how your hands felt like, how your touch felt like, it's unlike any other. Nothing will ever compare to the warmth that you as a whole being has given me. Everything about you was warm, not just your hand but also the way you talk, the way you care, the way you approach people. So warm it touches deep within my soul. How could I ever forget that? I don't wanna compare everyone to you, but I always do. I can still remember how you talk to me, I always felt like crying, because I know I can always be vulnerable around you, vulnerable and safe. I guess I am really not ready for another, I guess it's still YOU.

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I had a dream.

I had this weird dream about you, I never expected that after all these months you'd still appear in one of my dreams again. Maybe I'm thinking about you still. I feel so wrong to still be thinking about you when I already have him. Maybe because the moments I had with you is incomparable, although we never had to love each other freely, I felt more connected with you, I felt genuine happiness with you, I felt super contented having you with me.

So this is how my dream went. It started in your house (which I have never been to) with mama, papa and Paul, your brother, I know it's your house because we were all together. I really don't have an idea why I'm there with all of you. We we're talking about something I forgot when I woke up. I deciced to go home in that dream, but then you sent me a lot of emails, then chats, telling me that I shouldn't go, that you love me still, that you wanted to come back, that I should wait for you. And in that dream I decided to choose you, to come back to you with teary eyes, I decided to leave him for you. After that I woke up, with a lot of chat from my present man, I felt so guilty. I was never the type to cheat, but with you I feel I could do anything. It's sad, because I know it's wrong. It's just, both of you were just so different. Both kind, but different. Way too different.

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Sometimes I'm thinking about our first promise, that in our next lives we're going to find each other and love ourselves right and freely.

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You were my yellow, he is my blue.

On my twitter I posted "He was my yellow, you are my blue", because I wanna talk about him more, than talk about you. I can't hide the fact that I'm still thinking about you, so I tweet about him now a days. When I said you were my yellow, you really were. When I think of you, I see yellow. So warm, so bright, you made me feel safe, and you made me break down my walls completely. You will forever be the warmest person I know, so warm it could melt my heart and my whole being.

He is my blue, whenever I see him or think of him, I see blue. Like how blue the sky is, like how blue the ocean is. He made me feel relaxed, he made me feel comfortable enough to stay, he brought me peace. I found peace in him more than I found peace in you.

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The words that traumatized me this year were the words "I tried".

You don't have to try to love me when you know you really didn't in the very first place. It only gave me false hope that we can grow our love together. I wish you didn't try. That trial broke me into million pieces. If you weren't sure of me in the very beginning, please leave me be. I'm tired of pushing and pulling, I only got my heart full in bruises.

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When you experience such great love even in just a glitch of time, you'll never ever forget that and you won't find it in any other person anymore. That kind of love is once in a life time. If you're experiencing it right now, please take good care of it and never take it for granted.

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I learned how love really felt like when I met you. I have never seen any kind of love as warm as yours. I hope in our next lives we find each other in the right time and right place, so we can love each other right and we'll never ever part ways. I never regret loving you and experiencing to be loved by someone like you.

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Will forever know your soul, even in our next lives. No matter how you look like, I will know that it's you.

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Sucks when you didn't end up with your soul mate.

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My soul mate betrayed me