Not Okay. Thats Okay

This page is for 18+. I am 29. I am pro recovery. You should always be better

[blatantlynotokay]

I’m Kay

29 y/o. Mom of 2.

Ortho and An@ for 17 years

Height: 5’8

CW: 124 my implants are 3lb so really 121

GW: 118

HW: 159 (2nd pregnancy)

LW: 111 (hospitalized almost died)

Because of my age and medical issues. I must eat 800cal to 1300cal daily.

[blatantlynotokay]

Dinner with Parents

Tw purging

It kind of sucks that still as an almost 30-year-old I have to go about eating with my parents. But anyways, today I had dinner with my parents at Korean bbq. I knew the dinner was coming for the past few days so I was able to limit my calorie and take Monday and Tuesday. And I planned the Korean bbq OMAD for today. I had pre-planned the calories I was going to intake from the amount of meat I consumed and I feel like I stuck to it pretty closely slightly over 800 cal. You might be thinking wow that’s a lot. And yes, it definitely is 800 cal for one meal is pretty crazy crazy however I have explained that my parents are pretty obese and that’s just typically what we all eat every meal so I always plan for more rather than less. However, I was feeling incredibly sick after eating like I legitimately didn’t even need to “purge” but I straight up needed to vomit like actually sick. It was just too much food and one sitting. Unfortunately, afterwards, we had to do a family activity and I was sick and dying the whole entire time, but I was not able to throw up because my parents kept me busy and I wasn’t allowed to go to the bathroom. Whether this was intentional or not, I don’t know. But once I got home I actually tried to hold in the food and I did end up getting sick unfortunately but at that point almost nothing came up with stomach acid. What a difficult day.

[blatantlynotokay]

I’ve been on a bit of a mini binge. Trying my best to stop. I had about 200cal of takis tonight and yesterday I ate a 150cal bread roll. I haven’t had bread in months. I was disappointed in myself. Currently purging takis. It hurts so bad. My punishment. Lesson learned

[blatantlynotokay]

Bottle Server Auditions

Iykyk. I got a call back!!! I already work at a club but a new one did auditions and they called me back. It’s so validating that out of thousands who audition I’m one of the 10% going in for a second interview. I go in on Monday. Side note I’m fasting right now, obviously. However I ate a cherry tomato that was left on the counter by my kids. I didn’t even realize what had happened for almost 10 minutes and then I broke down crying. I can’t believe I ate it just because it was there. I’m literally fasting

[blatantlynotokay]

Today was okay calorically. I ate my protein goal and ate healthy clean food. Hit my fiber goal. I always have to remember 145cal are from my vitamins and minerals and I have to take those everyday.

Today I also went to like a yoga speed dating thing. It was pretty fun. No matches but I enjoyed it. I also enjoyed being the skinniest person there. One of the guys who picked me up (it was the exercise for that round) he said I was so light. It made me so happy.

I am pro recovery. Block don’t report

[blatantlynotokay]

🌸 Is not eating the most divine feminine thing you can do? It’s literally doing nothing and feeling everything 🌸

✨Being delulu✨

[blatantlynotokay]

Today was so not it. I had to go to the lake with my children’s father as one of our family activities. We have to go on these mandatory family activities per our custody agreement and I absolutely hate them. I hate being around him. I hate having to see his face. I hate the things that he tells me and says to me, I have to sit there and pretend that I’m all right. I ate a burger for the first time in almost 3 years. he had got me a coffee i used to order I used to like from Starbucks that was almost 200 cal and I drank most of it. And then I had to eat some chips to keep up appearance. All in all just a day terrible. I cried in the car on the way home. Silently, of course I had my children with me.

One of the best/worst things about today. As soon as he saw me he said “you look skinny, have you even been eating”

I am pro recovery - block don’t report

[blatantlynotokay]

Chew and Spit Binge

Full disclosure it’s been 157 days (app: NoMo) since my last swallow binge which was just about 300cal of birthday cake. But I’m a huge fan of chew and spit binges. Pretty self explanatory. I like to chew for at least 20 seconds just to get the full effect then I prefer to use a cup that isn’t see through. This works best on bread like carbs without a ton of sugar since I find it’s hard to complete spit icing, frosting or candy. I wouldn’t recommend meat because of the fat in meat same thing.

Still account for 1/16th the calories eaten because there are still particles in your teeth. It’s better to only “eat” one donut whole when you ate half the box. Binging happens. Don’t let it destroy you.

I am pro recovery. Block don’t report

[blatantlynotokay]

Toxic @na Work Environment

My job for my entire life has pretty much been to be a model. I started off as a runway model when I was a teenager. Then I went onto commercial and print for a while, which I still do. I was an atmosphere model for quite a bit and now I am a model bottle server in a high profile city. It would be a lie to say that my various professions and pressure to be thin and beautiful, has not affected my @na throughout my life. If anything I feel like it fuels it every day.

At my job pretty much everybody has a 3d. Well, none of us really talk about it blatantly other than a lot of the girls are on Ozempic even though they are 18-22 bmi who mostly just rave every day about how much weight they’re losing. It’s always so interesting. How fellow Anna‘s interact with each other when we know that we both have a 3d but never really talk about it.

One of my coworkers, we’ll call her Audrey, is always talking about how full she is and how much she ate in the day and how hungry she is and how she wants to order food but never actually orders food and none of us have ever seen her eat. Audrey is 5’8” and weighs 112 pounds. I know this because she’s told me before and I know she doesn’t eat and she knows that I don’t eat, but still every time we work together we talk about how much we’re craving certain foods or how we just ate certain foods. (Lie) I know it and she knows it but we never really talk about it. That’s all we talk about all shift is food. It’s nice to food fantasize with someone and I sure she feels it too.

In fact, I’ve worked at this job for almost 4 years and I honestly don’t think I’ve seen any of my coworkers eat. Not the model ones at least, the men always and my boss always eats, but she’s quite heavy. In fact, anytime that I ever go out with my coworkers, if we ever do go out for food. They never finish their food or if we go to a bar they’ll get a side of fries, but really only eat two or three and continue chain-smoking or chain vaping. It’s such an interesting thing to be in that environment, where everybody knows, but no one talks about it. I wish we could talk about it. I wish I could tell them how hungry I was. How little I ate that day I wish they would feel comfortable enough to tell me how they are. But we just talk about how much we love to Pad Thai and are definitely gonna order chicken wings as soon as we get home.

I am pro recovery. Block don’t report

[blatantlynotokay]

Mealspo / wieiad 695 Calories

I fast for 18 hours everyday and all this food is eaten from 1:00pm - 5:00pm. This food is high volume. It keeps me so full throughout the day.

Also not pictured I take Vital Proteins Collagen (70cal) to make my hair and skin not affected by Low Cal restriction. Also Mary Ruth’s has helped my hair not fall out. Also the rainbow on my table it’s because of my window cling film lol.

I am pro recovery. Block don’t report.

[blatantlynotokay]

Being An @na Mom

I feel like having Anna has not changed me much as a mom. Many a therapist and mutuals have always been worried about how my @na affects my children.

Yes I keep snacks in the house (see photo) my children have their own access to the snacks and are able to get snacks at anytime with the day they wish to. Majority of the snacks are organic or relatively healthy such as chips, organic fruit bars, and organic applesauce pouches. As for their meals, I typically hand make all of their meals. Breakfast can look like pancakes and eggs or maybe turkey bacon and oatmeal. Lunch can be a homemade non-processed peanut butter and homemade jelly sandwich. And typically for dinner we have some sort of chicken and veggies or fish and veggies. Dinner is usually the only meal that I eat the food with, but I don’t think they’ve ever thought that was strange that mommy doesn’t eat exactly what they eat because they never really eat the same thing anyways. I know this can seem like a lot that I make three different dishes for every meal But I never really find it tedious and everything’s quite easy to make.

I tried to make sure that my children have a very healthy relationship with food. I never try to restrict in anyway, shape or form. Some days they want fast food or pizza for dinner and I never really tell them no unless we’ve had that the day before. I still let them. Typically, I do not eat what they eat for dinner. I will just make something else and I don’t think that they’ve ever thought that it was weird or strange that mommy doesn’t eat pizza or McDonald with them. They’ve always just accepted that that’s how things are. And my oldest knows that I have various health concerns and can’t eat typical foods. I have a gluten intolerance and pcos. Which, even if I wasn’t, Anna would stop me from eating certain foods.

I tried to create a different environment then what I grew up. My entire life my parents had always been obese. Not just slightly overweight, but medically considered obese. it was always so interesting though because my parents would never let me eat snacks or sugary cereal and essentially we had an ingredient household. my parents were never home once I started elementary school. They would often tell me to feed myself, but in an ingredient household as a five-year-old I would typically just end up eating a slice of bread. They wouldn’t come home for dinner often so I would end up eating very little throughout the day. They never packed my lunch or gave me money for lunch so I typically never ate at school (this was a time before school had free lunch). Not eating was just a normal thing for me in my childhood so I always try to make sure that my children always have access to food and are well cared for.

Another angle that people often attack me from is if I would become like Mrs. Hadid and her handful of almond. And personally, I don’t think that I ever would. I know that children will eat exactly how much they need to eat in order to fuel their body. I try to teach them healthy eating habits, such as if they’re bored to lean towards fruit or vegetable over processed food. While they are still very young 6 & 3 I don’t see myself changing this mindset. I grew up starving I know what it’s like to starve. I know what it’s like to cry yourself to sleep because your stomach hurts so bad. I never want that for my children. I honestly never want that for any of you reading this. But here we are.

I’m always pro recovery. Block don’t report

[blatantlynotokay]

Eat a decent amount of cals today. Unfortunately I went to a beach club with my co worker. They ordered chicken strips and looked at me crazy when I said I didn’t want one. I ate two to keep appearances. Couldn’t purge because you can’t throw up in club bathrooms you’ll get kicked out by the bathroom attendant. I tried to purge 45 minutes after we left. Not much came out :’(. Didn’t eat anything else. Hit my protein goal. I eat my body weight in protein everyday from my pcos. Almost hit my fiber goal but it’s old I’ll eat better tomorrow.

[blatantlynotokay]

Orthorexia for me is not a whisper but a scream. “Do not eat that!”. It’s obsessively looking at ingredients. A fear of restaurants. A fear of someone else making me food if I don’t know the ingredients. It’s being disgusting by non organic food. It’s the disgust of processed food.

I feel like my Anna always started as simple. Low cal restriction. Didn’t matter what I ate. But as I aged around 7 years Anna 20 years old I noticed the toll it took on my body. I was loosing hair, not just on my head but my brows and lashes too. My bones were brittle. I would and still break a bone every year. I had not had a steady period from 17-20. Then it happened. I fainted in public and I couldn’t get up. I was hospitalized then sent to rehab.

Rehab is so funny. All you do is learn about food and healthy eating. Emphasizes on healthy. When I left I was “recovered” but no I was evolved. My Anna turned ortho. I now had all of the information I needed to healthily eat the bare minimum and not die. Yes I eat 800-1300 cals a day. Yes I know to most this is not @na but no this is long term Anna. This isn’t I’m upset because school is hard and I can’t get a bf. This is deeply mentally ill. Not a quick fix but a lifestyle. 16 years and I’m no dead yet. Two kids and I’m not dead yet. I will life on. I don’t want to die I want to be beautiful.

[ohnoregrettio]

Restaurants Safe Foods Masterpost

Food from my master post, this is just so you don’t have to scroll through the whole thing if you didn’t want to on my masterpost

A&W

Applebees

Arbys

Bojangles

Burger King

Bj’s

Carrabas

Cheddars

Chick-Fil-A

Chilis

Chipotle

Chuck E Cheese

Cici’s

Cracker Barrel

Culivers

Dairy Queen/Orange Julius

Denny’s

Dominos

Dunkin Donuts

Fire House Subs

Five Guys

Fuddruckers

Golden Coral

Hard Rock

In and Out Burger

IHOP

Jasons Deli

KFC

Krispy Kreme

Little Caesers

Krystals

Logans Road House

Long Horn Steak House

McAlisters Deli

McDonalds

Movie Theaters

Olive Garden

Outback Steak House

Panda Express

Panera Bread Co.

Papa Johns

Papa Murphys

Pizza Hut

Popeyes

PF Changs

Red Robins (yuUUMMM)

Ruby Tuesday

Sonic

Steak and Shake

Subway

Taco Bell

Texas Road House

Tim Hortons

Waffle House

Wendy’s

White Castle

Zaxbys