We continue...

A record of my thoughts and battles with depression and anxiety. I hope your pain eases soon.

[selfcarereminder]

the version of you from five years ago would be genuinely amazed by what you’ve handled since then. sit with that for a second

[lezarus]

the problem with in the flesh is that s1 is a perfect season of television. in only 3 episodes is manages to tell this incredibly rich and complete family drama. s1 is so refreshing as a show with supernatural elements (especially a show from the early 2010’s) in that it’s largely unconcerned with the mechanics of the rising bc s1 is ultimately not a show abt zombies it’s a show about grief. it’s not asking why the dead came back who cares why they came back it’s not an interesting question in the face of the much bigger question of what would you do if you got a second chance with a person you lost?

and the answer largely is that you wouldn’t do what u think you would. its so easy when you lose someone to think if you ever got to see them again you would tell them everything you didn’t get the chance to when they were alive. you would of course be completely honest and loving and you would never lie to them or be cruel to them or blame them or be angry with them ever again. and maybe for some people that’s true. but really most of the time you wouldn’t do any of that.

i feel like in the flesh works so so well as a piece of media which is anti suicide bc it ultimately tells suicidal people that death will not redeem you. death is only death. even if by some miracle your loved ones got you back they would still be angry with you and unable to be honest with you and be cruel to you. in fact they might even be MORE unkind and dishonest and bitter because suicide is not a teacher. it doesn’t typically make people more thoughtful or kind it makes them feel guilty and ashamed and heartbroken. and guilt and shame and heartbreak are not usually the kind of emotions which inspire people to become better.

it confronts the fiction that a lot of suicidal people believe which is that the world would genuinely be a better place without them. it wouldn’t. your pain wouldn’t disappear it would ripple outwards and destroy everything around you like a bomb. and at least for me watching a show which confronts that fact as a teenager had such profound effect on me that i genuinely think it changed the course of my entire life.

[blindedbythedarkness]

I think I have some kind of PTSD - but I'm not sure about the P part.

My anxiety over the last few years has been getting worse and worse. Before the start of the pandemic I could happily navigate the world alone. I'd travel through London solo, down unfamiliar streets and through tube stations. Hell, at 18 I even got a 9 hour flight to the US alone to meet a friend I'd only ever spoken to online. I was confident. Unfamiliar things were a challenge, and I could walk down the street happy to take up space, head held high.

Sure, there were times when I got some shit. I dressed goth and had the occasional lads comment. I got called a fag on the way to the gay club once. But it was minimal, and I didn't live in fear of it. When it happened it was at worst a bit of a downer, but more often just cause for an eye roll.

Nowadays, I'm so afraid. Things that were second nature feel like the world is watching me fail at them. I fuck up on the self checkout and I have to stop myself sprinting out the door as the attendant comes over. I don't walk tall, I slouch, I shrink myself. And I can't meet anyone's eyes, in case I invite aggression. A primal instinct to avoid conflict forever dictating how I move. I avoid the world and the people in it as best I can.

We're moving house right now, and it's a challenge for me. We have to let so many people into our home to bring in heavy furniture and connect the broadband and install appliances. Every single one of them I see the question on their lips the second we open the door - why are you masking?

Up until today, all the negative experiences I've had with antimaskers have at least been outside our home. Most workmen haven't said a word, and will happily mask if one is provided. But today, we had to let an antimasker in. We needed a job doing asap, without any time to find someone else.

"I don't wear those mate" he said when we offered him one. Though he asked three separate times if WE were infectious.

He was there all of 10 minutes, but that was more than enough. I know in my mind I shouldn't care. We clearly aren't people on the same page about basic science, and I wouldn't care what he thought about any other aspect of my life, so why care about this?

The thing is that it's not that I care about the opinion. It's what's behind it that terrifies me. The aggression, the confrontation, the hostility, the way it will affect how I'm treated later. Not to mention the direct impacts on my safety of their mask refusal. Emotionally, I'm cowering. And he may be one guy who I shouldn't give a fuck about, but he represents what scares me even more - the fact the ranks of those like him are growing.

I've always said that my depression is reactive. I've struggled with it for years, but it's never been unwarranted. But right now, I don't think I can call it that. Day to day I'm barely depressed at all (and any I do experience is more in the form of grief for what I cannot do). Yet when I experience these microaggressions, I go from 0 to 100. I shut down. I can't think, I can't speak. My whole body feels the deep pain of heart break and fear all at once. The thoughts of suicide and self harm hit me like a train.

It's disproportionate to the event, but it's a reaction to death by 1000 cuts. It's a response to the apparent validation of my ever growing fear of the general public.

"I just don't have any more in the tank" I say to my partner, trying to explain why it hits me so hard. It's true, but it feels like so much more than that. I'm burnt out from living in a hostile society hell bent on infecting me for over 7 years now. What I don't say is the rest of that sentence "...and I don't know how much more I can take."

[i-amusemyself]

I wrote this in the tags of another post but I think it deserves its own post really idk

I just finished watching tip toe. Which was heavy af and also definitely far from perfect (centering cis white gay men, normalising TERFs etc). It was hard to watch. But also the key message from it was fucking right - it is way more dangerous now to be queer in the UK than even 10 years ago.

And it was validating to hear that, yet terrifying. Because I've kind of felt it, but not been sure if it's just me, bc for years I've not been Just Queer. Since Covid started I've been masking and increasingly visibly disabled. And I've faced way more hostility and discrimination for that than I ever have for being visibly queer and trans. And it has reached the point that I have a lot of anxiety now just stepping outside my front door - I hate talking to strangers, I can't meet people's eyes as I walk down the street. I live in fear of verbal abuse and having shit thrown at me, or having my mask pulled from my face or being treated worse by my colleagues or handymen or anyone else I need to come into my home. Everywhere I go, it's like I can hear the world calling me a freak.

And through all this the queer community hasn't been there for me. It has to be said. Despite our history with the AIDS epidemic, so many have been happy to ignore the dangers of Covid (which are higher for us!!) and comply with pretending its all over as per the government. It's hard to feel connected to my own queer identity when it isn't safe for me to attend pride - the one place I'm supposed to belong.

My point being, society has seemed hostile for a while now, but I thought it was all The Other Minority Stuff. But actually, in the back of my mind, I think I also knew it was getting harder to be queer. Because bit by bit I've retreated back into the closet. I don't correct people on my pronouns. At uni, I don't use they/them at all - "my worksona" I call her. I'm very careful who I reveal my sexuality to. I feel a deep seated dread when I have to present my deed poll for admin purposes, and am outed as trans. I do my makeup to look more feminine, so people don't ask questions.

Less than a decade ago I was out and proud. I'd skip down the street on the way to the gay bar with rainbow hair and a flat chest and surrounded by a gaggle of queer friends. Now? I tip toe, and the gay bar isnt safe for me on seceral counts. And you can be sure as shit it's all connected.

[selfcarereminder]

the version of you from five years ago would be genuinely amazed by what you’ve handled since then. sit with that for a second

[wholeheartedsuggestions]

you deserve a life you aren’t constantly recovering from

[silenceheldme]

when its getting bad again but you can‘t talk to anybody about it so you lowkey just sit there and let your thoughts consume you

[bakwaaas]

[i-amusemyself]

sitting here listening to live music drifting in on the wind thinking about how the chances of me leaving the house this weekend are slipping away more and more. im that freak that loves the sun and hot weather and yet im trapped inside by my body because i dared to push myself and go to work all week. fuck long covid.

[blindedbythedarkness]

Starting my new job in August has me mentally preparing to be established as an outcast yet again.

The current trainees keep telling us about how there'll be socials every evening of our induction week so we can all get to know each other. Meanwhile I'm wondering how the hell I'm going to get through a 45 hour, 5 day induction week alone. Let alone with added social commitments on top. It's just not gonna happen and I feel like it makes me once again not only doomed to be the one who sticks out like a sore thumb in a wheelchair and mask, but also the antisocial one.

And the thing is - how do I even approach this when I inevitably get asked if I'm joining them for that evenings' activities? Either I evade the question and seem at best weird and at worst evasive and rude. Or I tell people I've just met about my crippling reality of energy limiting health conditions, feeling violated in the process.

I'm just so tired of being on the outside. When I started medical school I resigned myself to making no friends and joining no societies for the sake of avoiding covid. And now once again, the same events are inaccessible to me, even before I add covid risk into the equation. But I don't need friends and social support any less than anyone else starting this training. I want it. I crave it. The whole situation sucks.

[blindedbythedarkness]

I hope one day I'm well enough to enjoy my retirement as much as my parents are. To spend my time out walking and going to festivals and jetting off to Europe on a whim. Because I sure as shit am not well enough to do any of that right now, and it hurts like a bitch

[blindedbythedarkness]

I'm so tired of being poor.

I'm making 2/3rds of a cake next week because that's all I could afford in ingredients (since lactose free stuff costs more).

I'm sick of thinking every time we shop "maybe ill have the budget for ice cream next month"

I've had literal dreams about being able to afford things like proper fish fillets and low fat mince again.

And im so looking forward to being salaried in a few months. But I'll be starting on 70% of the full time salary - and doctors working full time are striking over pay. So I'm under no illusions ill be rolling in it.

It's just so tiring. I wish my health didn't limit how much I can work, so I could at least maximise my potential income and be more comfortable.

PIP is meant to make up some of the difference, given being disabled costs more. And it does help a bit, but it's not nearly equivalent to my healthy counterparts.

[blindedbythedarkness]

A very lovely lady said to me today about my long covid "I hope you get better"

"I hope you get better too" I replied. But she shook her head.

"No I know but I mean you've worked so hard to get where you are. And we need more medical professionals like you. I'm just imagining how many more people you could help if you were healthy."

It really touched me. This poor lady, she's had Long covid for 3 years longer than me. And unlike me, she hasn't been able to return to work in any capacity. And yet when she thinks of people getting better, she values my own recovery more than hers because she sees hope in that. It's a real privilege to be that for her.

[blindedbythedarkness]

Josh,

It's 7 years today since you died by suicide. I expected it to be less painful this year, since day to day it's a subject I can comfortably mention. It doesn't have the same sting that it used to.

And yet I felt so much apprehension for the anniversary this time ariund. And now it's here, as much as I will say I miss you, I'm scared to think too deeply about what happened that day. Like the veil is thinner somehow, so the raw pain is at risk of breaking through all over again like it was yesterday.

Grief is funny, I guess. The one thing that stays the same is that it's always changing.

We're so far beyond a world now than one I could ever have imagined you continuing in. I've lost so many friends since 2020, that I dread to think of how you might've abandoned me too. A guilty part of me is grateful that I never got to learn the answer, as much as I wish you'd never died.

Life really can be so painful and complicated.

Love always,

C

[blindedbythedarkness]

I must not do Physical Tasks. Physical tasks are the energy killer. There will be no Go Outside if I do Physical Tasks. I must resist.

[blindedbythedarkness]

My brain has such a mental block on viewing my previous self as capable or knowledgeable. It's like with every year that goes by and as I learn more, I get more convinced my previous self was clueless. But logically that's so dumb, I mean previous me had plenty of life experience. I've got myself 2 degrees and I've been paying rent and navigating bills and insurance for years now. Not to mention making friends, having a job, navigating social interactions in general. I really don't know why I have this dumb idea that each year I somehow become enlightened.

And yet at the same time, whenever I see people being Successful Adults, I'm always convinced they're older than me. When I learn people my age or even younger are navigating life without crashing and burning I'm like how?? We've had barely any time to learn any of this?! Which again, is totally ridiculous.

Idk, my sense of self is just so warped.

[r04ches]

am i even mentally ill or am i just living in some kind of infinite torture chamber that would make anyone like this