I guess I'm doing this now

My name is Petri and I'm an alcoholic. submit the pain and shame here and get it off your chest. it will get better. bloggingtheproblem.tumblr.com/submit

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every time I mention how many days sober I am I appreciate people congratulating me and telling me to keep up the good work. it is nice. but I also wish that milestones in addiction recovery weren’t still so pinned to length of sobriety/abstinence

yeah yeah I’m 50 days sober who cares. how about the fact that, when I do drink, it tends to be nipped in the bud after two days nowadays instead of weeks or months? how about the fact that drinking has been condensed to a six pack because I’m at the end of my tether, instead of browning out every night? how about my friend who has decided to stop drinking alone, and is actually sticking to that? recovery doesn’t always look like sobriety and I wish it was more normal to talk about that. yknow. when addiction is normal to talk about at all

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anon / anon / @mountainqoats / bygones, Keaton Henson / Invitation, Mary Oliver / better in the morning, birdtalker /

[bloggingtheproblem]

[bloggingtheproblem]

I've found it helpful to own my sobriety like a journal. I don't have to tell anyone what my process is, no one needs to know how I'm working things out.

Also, it's MINE. I'm going to do it how I want to do.

Pretending to be super stoked about being sober forever WASN'T working.

What has been working? Being more observant and listening to myself, and being curious.

Why do I want to drink right now? Okay, I CAN if I want to, but why? If I drink, how am I feeling? How do I feel the day after? Would either of these be better if I hadn't drank? Maybe next time I'll try it.

There's so much less pressure because you're not living up to anyone's standards of 'sober' or 'sober enough'.

So long as you stay curious, and willing to nurture the part of you that wants sobriety, you give yourself the space and the grace to work on it, fail, and grow.

So yeah, all this to say I've felt pretty disillusioned with AA as of late.

[bloggingtheproblem]

The Goblin

Sometimes I think of my Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) as a goblin inside of me. It cackled with glee when I gave into my urges to drink, and it delighted in itself when I behaved in a self-destructive way.

Now that I'm trying to stay sober, it's pissed. It's gotten really good at pitching its voice to sound like mine. So when it shrieks about how unfair it is that I HAVE to stay sober right now, or tries to sweet-talk me into its self-preservation, its voice sounds like my thoughts.

"I agree, sober now. But eventually we can go back to just drinking socially! Pinky swear!"

Or

"You've done so good so far! We could drink when we're at home alone this weekend and no one would know! You could still collect your 30-day chip and everything, it would just be our little secret. Just to show that you've got it under control now!"

Or

"It's not fair! You don't have a problem drinking with other people! And now what's going to happen at these parties, huh? You're going to be bored and miserable.

Everyone is going to be hyperaware and sensitive about drinking around you, and there's going to be nothing to do while they're all having fun.

What are weddings going to be like? What's your wedding going to be like? Wouldn't it be reasonable to have exceptions? Like for really important events?"

And on and on it wails.

[bloggingtheproblem]

19 Days - New Record!

My previous record was 17. Since then, this is the longest streak of sobriety I've had since I started keeping track (5 years ago? Maybe?)

Staying sober around the house has been mostly easy-- especially since I don't have a vehicle at the moment.

I do worry about future events though, ones where I'm at places where I'd primarily drink, or with people I would drink with.

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DUI changing my life

They say when getting sober you're not supposed to make big life decisions.

Unfortunately I have no choice. I'm changing jobs, my fiancé and I might break up, I'm in trouble with the law for the first time ever and just waiting for charges/next steps.

So much has changed in such a short time.

I know it's my fault. But fuck I am overwhelmed, anxious, and on the verge of crying all the time.

But hey, at least I'm sober

[tinygentlemoments-deactivated20]

Annoyed because I blew having a month sober. Again. Tired of beating myself up inside when I do stuff like this, so I'm just going to put on my big-girl panties and resume my plan tomorrow. I don't count days because I don't believe in AA's 'one drink and you lose everything you've done before' bullshit. Alcohol is addictive; no one is immune. I don't blame me for drinking, I blame the alcohol industry for telling us it's harmless and ok. That turning 21 means legally drinking. That you need alcohol to be happy. That is eases stress and anxiety - when in actuality it CAUSES them. And, worst of all, ethanol is literally rocket fuel. We are drinking fucking rocket fuel.

Alcohol: the only substance on the planet for which stopping using it says to society that something is wrong with you. How screwed up is that??

[bloggingtheproblem]

Sparkling water + pineapple/ginger (or other healthy fruit 'shot' located near kombucha in grocery store) is a new discovery for me and I think it's a solid sub for a mixed drink.

Hi kettle, I'm pot. I agree with not judging yourself even though that's my favorite move too.

You can't change it if you already had a drink today, but you can try to do better in the next hour, two hours, day, etc.

[bloggingtheproblem]

The 'One Day' Delusion

I'm trying to stay sober. But there's still a part of my brain that's begging me,

"One day we'll be able to drink socially-- just for big events! That would be okay!"

All while simultaneously daydreaming about being off on a trip Somewhere in the future and getting wasted in whatever hotel room I'm in.

I don't want to drink anymore. I don't want to want alcohol anymore.

I'm worried that the relief of being done with drinking, and being 6 days sober, is part of the "pink cloud". I'm worried I won't know what to do with myself when it fades.

[bloggingtheproblem]

Got in a DUI accident

I'm grateful only me and my car were involved/hurt. I've been told it's a miracle I'm alive, and that everyone is glad I'm okay. My family and friends have been shockingly supportive.

But I don't feel that. I wish I had died that night.

My long time partnership might be dead. He told me yesterday that he actually hated me a bit. But I guess we'll see how that goes.

Went to an AA meeting last night-- what I'm going to count as my first.

I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well begging for rain, praying to drown.

[pajaentrecolegas-archive-deacti]

Batman (1966), dir. Leslie H. Martinson

[bloggingtheproblem]

I was doing well. Now I'm not.

I thought I had my drinking under control. I had 18 days sober at one point, and I wasn't drinking alone or at home anymore.

Then my grandma got sick with COVID, and was hospitalized. I was managing that the best I could.

Then I was raped.

Now I'm just... Struggling. Self medicating. I have Acute Stress Disorder, and I'm trying so hard but fuck I am in emotional pain all the time.

It feels like my progress is gone, and the shame I feel for that is intense.

[bloggingtheproblem]

Hypnosis for Alcoholism: Post-Session 2

I have been sober for 16 days.

More shocking than that is how easy it's been.

The second session did something to me, helped heal some festering wound I was unknowingly carrying around.

So, wow.

My last session is tomorrow (July 29). I almost don't want to go because I feel like things have been going so well.

But it couldn't hurt, so I'll go.

[bloggingtheproblem]

Hypnosis for alcoholism: session 1 notes

I've gone through 1 appointment of hypnosis for my drinking in the last week, and I feel so disappointed that it wasn't with someone else. She literally told me that she has issue with alcoholics (despite me emailing ahead of time what I wanted to explore this option for.)

She said there are 2 alcoholics in her experience: the kind who are ready/at least want to get better, and the kind who are just there to satisfy their partner. She has such a dry and uncaring demeanor that it's hard to be comfortable around her and feel unjudged.

So my first session she asked me about things and when I started crying about emotional topics she tried bringing it back to my favorite food or a place I feel safe.

I was tired that day, so there was a point where I was literally falling asleep. It felt bad because 500+ dollars for 3 sessions is NOT easy, small money to me, and it already feels like I'm being conned out of money.

For the record, I am actively in therapy for everything and psychiatry for naltrexone. So hypnosis was something I put a lot of (I guess misplaced) hope into.

So atm I am very discouraged. I'm trying so hard to get help and it feels like nothing is working.

[bloggingtheproblem]

Sometimes I wonder if I would be alive if not for shame.

If it weren't for the shame of drinking I feel around my partner, I sometimes wonder if I wouldn't have drunk myself into death by now.

[bloggingtheproblem]

It's been a while since I've written, but I've still been struggling.

January 2019 was the first time I wrote down what I knew all too well: I have a drinking problem, and I am a functioning alcoholic.

Getting through a week sober hasn't happened, and I don't remember the last time I actually did it. This is... Really disappointing for me. I've been struggling with this problem for two and a half years.

How long did it take you to get sober?

What helped?

[bloggingtheproblem]

Jesus christ it's been so hard to be sober. I want to want to be sober. But when I am the pain of where I am in life gets to be too much.

And I think if I weren't at least trying I'd have a reason for it, you know? But I am trying, and it's not getting better. I'm so sad and scared that I won't amount to anything.

[bloggingtheproblem]

Just alcohol fortunately.