note: i’m messed up and my heart is really, really, really empty at this moment. this is my raw thoughts and emotions that i really want to tell our respectful leader, Seo Eunkwang. so please, please excuse the messiness and any mistakes… and it is really, really long…
Why do I feel hurt typing those words?
I have never, ever written any words for you, because I always thought and always wanted to tell you, face-to-face, how a wonderful person you are. I never, ever knew that my first letter to you, is something so painful, so sorrowful, and that it is really hard, for both of us. You never know… Ever!
I have said this in so many other letters (to BTOB, to Im Hyunsik, to any BTOB members), my life is always a mess. This is really dark, and sad, but it means a lot to me… At the darkest point of my life, when a little girl felt like she needed to be vanished, that she was just a piece of trash, that the death… was actually better than living a life, BTOB came. These seven men, you guys saved me. I owe you all lots, and lots, and lots more than you think… This is why I always say that BTOB is so important to me, that you are so special in not only my fangirl heart, but in my life. I owe you guys a life.
I respect BTOB so much. As an idol group, I adore your passion. I love BTOB’s music. Every single note, every single word, everything, anything… BTOB never just sings. They sing with their souls and their hearts. I am inspired by you so much, to follow what I truly love, what I truly believe that is right. Especially you, Seo Eunkwang. I will never, ever, forget that stage in which you sang with your dear mommy. You were shaking during the whole performance. You were not singing with your brothers, you were not singing alone, but with someone who you love dearly… You were happy, were worried, and for sure, you were so proud of yourself. Your mom was proud, your family was proud, Melodies were so proud, and of course…, I was 100% proud. I love each member’s personalities, philosophies, the ways they treats life and their own stirring stories. And for Seo Eunkwang himself, I respect you and love you with my heart and my soul. The way you lead the group, your love to Melodies. You. Just you. You as a normal person. You as a 27-year-old man. What a charismatic man! You know when to stay calm, when to be strong and fierce. The most down-to-earth person I know. BTOB and Seo Eunkwang himself, make me become a better person. I learn my ways from them. Who I am now, is actually affected so much by these amazing men.
You may noticed I disappeared for months. I stopped myself from reading, watching, listening to BTOB. At one point of 19, I felt like I could not handle this. Because BTOB is so precious, I don’t want to hurt you. I want to protect you guys. I want to have the most beautiful memories with BTOB. And the reality, is not appropriate for me to do that. So I tried to avoid you guys. And one more reason, I could not make my way to go to your concert…
I am crying so much right now, what should I do?!
I now understand why the previous album is “This Is Us”. Because no matter where you are, BTOB is BTOB - with BTOB Seo Eunkwang, BTOB Lee Minhyuk, BTOB Lee Changseob, BTOB Im Hyunsik, BTOB Shin Dongeun, BTOB Jung Ilhoon, BTOB Yook Sungjae. BTOB isn’t completed, if it is missing just one member. BTOB means 7. And please, always remember that. I was so happy, when “This Is Us” showcase was broadcasted. I saw the sparkles in your eyes, when all 7 of you said it out loud, that “We are BTOB”, and “This is us!”. You guys had never been that proud and excited like that before… If only did I know, that it was the last time in so many years…
I now understand why BTOB Blue came back in a sudden. My heart was sparkled in joy, of course. And the song was so beautiful, yet really, really hurtful. I was questioning, but never thought you did that on purpose… The MV tho, you, uri leader, did not appear as much as the others… And any time we saw you, you were smiling straight at us, and… (I’m literally shaking so hard) and you were holding yellow baby flowers. Baby flowers, mean eternal love. And yellow, means happiness, calm, and loyalty… How could I not love you, Seo Eunkwang?
And today concert, the song you wrote, the notes you sang… It hit me, right at the softest spot in my heart:
“The day I left home on that train, military service was waving.
I bowed, sending the last farewell to my parents,
All of the pain and emptiness were covering my chest,
The smell of the meadow and some faces, everything Is so new.
Everything starts, all over again… My youth…
And my friends, when I’m away, please send me letters,
That I will never forget all the memories that we had together…”
It’s not like that you are leaving the group, or you go to somewhere I could never reach to. But the fact that my life had been depending on you, on BTOB for so long, it is so hard for me to know that my faith is now just…missing… Thanks to you, I never feel lonely. And I hope that you are, too! As selfish and childish as I am, I never thought of this day… And I feel extra hurt, because in the upcoming years, there will always be missing pieces… (that never will be missing in our hearts).
Please take care, do your best, and comeback as the better version of you. Please take care of your health, train yourself to become stronger and the greatest man of our hearts. Learn something new, but never forget your true passion. Make new fellows, but please don’t ever forget your brothers. And of course, don’t lose your love and trust on Melodies.
I will stay. And I will do my best. We will meet again, soon. We will meet when both become better people, grow as an artist, and be happier than ever. I will hopefully see you when I accomplish one of my biggest life goal. And on that “someday”, I will proudly tell you: I made it! That you will smile widely, maybe will pat my head and say: “You did so well!”. On that “someday”, we will sing together, the song that you and I always dream about:
The blue waters only reflect me
Melody & BTOB, forever, You & Me…”
one Melody that admires you,