I understand intent far better than I understand impact.
For most of my life I learned that what you say and do doesn’t matter because most of the time
And if they did, well “not every body is going to like you”
Or maybe I just “can’t take a joke”
I can taste defensiveness in my mouth daily.
As I age, I’ve learned to swallow it, hard.
As I heal, I’ve started to choke on it.
I wasn’t always this way.
At 15 I learned “not like that and NEVER in front of other people”
At 21 I understood what advantages there are to hiding
“Not like that and never in front of other people”
“Too much”, “too little”, too… you
I understand that parts of me are more comfortable than others. The part of me that doesn’t really feel like me to be exact.
At 23 I learned that this could be a science.
10 parts my laughter, a dash of my joy, but never more than a pinch of my success
Fold in 6 tablespoons of patience, throw out any recipe that ever included anger, and bake at 475
Someone tried to teach me that you can wash off other people’s words in a long hot shower like you would wash off the sweat from a long day in the kitchen.
I never learned how to come out of the shower clean.
At 26 I tried to memorize everyone’s recipe for me
At 27 I realized that there are only so many pans you can fit in the oven at once
And at 28 I decided that I’d like to meet myself because not a single one of these recipe cards ever turned out to taste like who I really am.
I understand everything and everyone but her even though I’ve made her a million times.
I hear her joy isn’t the only palatable thing about her. I hope we finally meet at 29.
theartofmadeline
stormborns
izzy806
