I get it. I've got to live in this gendered crazy world where someone, back in the times where eating was more important than making any profit of your life, decided that gender was a thing. I don't know why, from all the animals out there, we decided to not only make reproduction a gender matter, but clothing, even socializing.
Maybe animals socialize based on gender too?
But I really don't see a dumber animal than humans caring so much about gender expression. Simpler. Cisgender and not caring individuals have such a narrowed view of the world that once they see someone that does not care about their fit in gender expression, they see it as a menace. What does my sense of no style and no gender caring menace you? Your identity? Oh, for sure.
Not to say being binary is easy, it's not, and it's certainly a pressure I can try to understand. But being non binary, in this freaking economy and crazy environment, is definitely something.
Not just non binary, non binary and having no hormone treatment, no operations, nothing. Just me and my dumb body against the expectations of the world, I guess. How do you justify that you don't rock with the binary spectrum without any change? That's a hell of a question that's haunting me since I realized my soul couldn't be just female, nor just male. I can't exist without both sides as I feel incomplete, how do I justify it when I talk from my transgender experience?
When I was just a little boy, I got called out because I was too manly for being a girl. Later on, I would try to make it work from the feminine side of me, and it did until I though I was being too girly to be a boy. What the fuck do I do, then, if I can't make one work with the other? It's easier to say I'm just myself, but myself is not comfortable for those cisgender folks that rule the world, is not fair for a world that makes transgender people do expensive treatments and so many preparations such as makeup or clothing to "fit" into the ideals of the people. Is it even fair that I call myself transgender, when I did nothing to change the way people view me? I'm the same as 5, or 10 years ago. I'm the same person with the same likes and some of my old clothes that somehow still fit me. But I'm the same that goes to a clothe's store and seeks clothing on both genderes zones, and I'm the same that sometimes asks to be treated with a different gendered adjectives. If humans weren't so damn obsessed with gender, maybe this wouldn't even be an issue. It's not really an issue for me and myself, for my own self perception. The problem ended for me the moment I knew bigender was a thing.
But the world has other plans, I guess, and it needs certainty, it needs binary as if this rock planet were a computer trying to work too many programs at once.
Luckily for me, I was born in a time where at least I can complain about these matters. I don't hope anyone reads this, but if that takes place, I hope this rant can be something someone can relate to. We still have a long way to go on this, and thankfully stories get more and more told on this actual world. But as I said, we still got a lot to cover, lots of different experiences to reflect on fiction and non fiction.
Maybe my story is one of millions, or maybe it's unique, and that would be ok too. Because, at the end of the day, I exist, no matter what's expected of my existence to be. I'm alive, and maybe that's all it takes to validate all this.
I'll keep moving with this giant ocean rock, maybe some day I'll find a sense to all this in my head.