the luxury of having someone fall for you.
ive never had that. ive never been that. ive always been the one to chase. ive always been the one to go out of my way for the other guy. ive never felt like i was actually one worth chasing. to be the one actually to catch the one falling for me. i always make the first move. i text first. i talk first. i ask the questions. i make the effort. i take the time. i make the time...
just like i did with you. i made the time. i took the time. to ask the questions. to get to know who you were. i shared with you everything. everything. i thought i didnt need to hold back because you would do the same. you would give me your all. thats what we agreed to when we first met. honesty was our policy.
i told you from the beginning, i didnt believe in ‘love’. the concept is so blind and narcissistic in a way. there is no definition. no absolute. which is why to me it doesnt exist. or maybe i dont deserve it...
we started off rocky. after the second month, my arrival back home...i had that eire feeling that something wasnt right. that night, your touch wasnt the same. your energy shifted. you ‘love’ felt tainted. i could tell. i knew. this was before me finding out. that night you couldnt focus.
the next morning i found out. about him. 4 days after my birthday. i felt it deep down. history repeats itself. all of the past ‘love’ i experience felt just like this. knowing that your ‘love’ went to someone else when i was gone. to know you had stepped outside of what we had for a temporary fix. not even good for your soul. that was my job. to keep you clean. to keep you safe. to keep your attention.
i told you my biggest fear was being left behind or being replaced. and physically you replaced me, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually, you fucking destroyed me.
i told you right then and there you arent your mistakes. i told you i could oversee it. somehow. i tried. i did. i kept telling myself my heart wasnt done with you. i told you to your face. how much i still saw the light in you. tainted. still. i wasnt ready to let go, when i should have.
those nights alone crying. not knowing where you were. the nights alone where you would text back. where were you then?
you told me in the past that you even had exe’s cheat. so why did you do that to me? why would you put me through the pain you went through, but then kiss me on the forehead and tell me you ‘loved’ me?
our definitions are different.
i stuck it out. i oversaw so much. the text in your phone. the snapchat with the guys. the pics on your phone that werent me. time and time again. what did i do wrong. all i wanted was your attention. your love. to feel loved. to feel anything...
why was i not enough...why did you have to step outside of what we had. what we shared. the promises. why didnt you come to me...
i wanted to help you carry the weight. i wanted to be everything for you, the same way you were for me.
gummygunk
stormborns
kianamaiart
andulkaphoto
