The truth about how I let my thought life ruin my proposal
This is the honest, raw, and transparent story of my engagement. The Lord is doing wonderful things in my marriage and this is my proof that no matter how much someone plans, hopes, expects, a perfect proposal does not create a perfect marriage.. or even a good one. And a horrible proposal is not a foreshadow of a marriage.
(warning: this is long and raw and uncut)
background: me and my sweetheart have known each other since I was 6 and he 8. We grew up swimming together and were best friends and ended up not dating or becoming official in any way until he proposed. I call it courtship. I was in school in Virginia and he lived in Texas where we both grew up.
Last summer, 2012, my honey and I discussed marriage. I loved him. He loved me. But I wasn't sure marriage was for me. I thought god called me to be single and after a slew of events we realized that we wanted to live life together and God gave me the option to get married.
It was July and we had already been looking at rings via online and discussed. My honey was coming to visit me in August. I found out my parents were coming to visit my sister in July in Texas and so subtly made the suggestion for my honey to have my parents over for dinner since it might be the last time he sees them before he sees me... ;) ;)
The day after my parents went and had dinner with my honey and his parents my daddy so.. so.. graciously? nicely? .. no.. anyway.. My daddy told me that my honey asked for my hand in marriage and that he would be proud to have him as a son in law. It was at this moment when I cried because it was becoming real. I then proceeded to text my honey and let him know that my daddy told me something & that something was that he had permission.
Obviously, knowing that he had permission and that he was visiting in like.. 2 weeks I was thinking there was going to be a proposal right?! We had it planned. That day after my honey flew in we were going to drive to D.C. which was like 3 hours away. We were going to see the monuments at night the first day.. order from Georgetown Cupcakes, and visit museums. PERFECT I thought.
So my honey flies in, we are so excited because this was it right? this visit was going to change everything. -skip to D.C.-
We are in D.C. and we are looking at all the monuments at night. it's warm outside, the monuments are all lit and the sun is setting. We get on the Lincoln memorial and just look out. At one point he gets in front of me and puts his hands on my knees AND MY HEARTS SKIPS A FEW BEATS and then he sits back down.. okay. that's cool. no biggy. There are a lot of people around.
We continue on to other sights and monuments.. take pictures of the lighted monuments and we are practically alone.. MY HEART SKIPS A FEW BEATS.. but we continue.
we walk back to the subway. end of day one.
DAY 2: this is it. We are going to all the museums.. we won't be outside as much sweating, (that's not romantic anyway) we spend a while in the smithsonians and get to the Holocaust museums. Of course he wouldn't do it in there, there is too much emotion for that. He suggests dinner.. hmmmm... but I suggest us not being with a bunch of people that evening. (obviously he's shy and so the most probably proposal would be alone) so we get chipotle as the train station and call it a night..
DAY 3: okay for reals now. We are heading back to VA. and as we pass all the exits for monuments I think that he is going to pull in somewhere he planned to make it seem like we were leaving but really not. no stop.. no pause. breathe. That's okay. I start thinking to myself you know what, maybe it isn't going to happen this trip. I mean he only asked a few weeks ago and there is still thanksgiving, and Christmas, and I came to terms that the proposal was just not going to happen. Because obviously he would have done it in D.C. as he is driving I'm holding his phone for the GPS and all of a sudden he gets a text that reads "So have you asked her yet"......................................... My heart starts beating but not with butterflies.
I say "you have a text message". he asks from who.. ( I will not disclose this information) . and I say you better read it.. he reads it.. exasperated sigh... and oh.... I am staring out the window silently saying goodbye to all what I thought would be perfect.. for the next 2.5 hrs we did not speak. I mean you could cut that tension with a knife. He wanted to pull over in a rest stop to talk and I said OH NO we are not doing this here. and that's pretty much all I said.
30 min. from Lynchburg I decide that I am not going to be angry. And I am going pretend like nothing happened. I ask him what he wants to do for dinner, if he wants me to make something or if he wants to go out. He says he wants to take me out. and I say fine and that I'm going to try to pretend nothing happened today. When we get home he tries to talk to me but I just take a bath.. for an hour. replaying over and over and over how we were at these beautiful lighted monuments at night and museums and I finally accepted it wasn't going to happen... but it was supposed to.
I let my thoughts ruin my proposal.
I was angry. I was bitter. This was supposed to be MY day. My time.. After my bath I confess, I cried. It wasn't supposed to be that way. It was supposed to be magical. After some calming down I got all dressed up, curled my hair, put on my pearls, went to Red Lobster, went and saw Hunger Games in the dollar theatre and I told him during dinner that afterwards we should go to Snowflex (a ski/snowboard place) which is on top of a mountain with a beautiful view of the city... hint.. hint.. he was like yea I would love to! (good cause this is what you have to work with). So we get to snowflex. and we sit down on a bench.. a hard metal bench.. that is facing the snowboard slope.. and he asks me how I want to spend the rest of my life And I answer that I want to be his wife and mother of his children some day.
Conclusion: This is not a story to bash my husband. This is not a story about how everything messed up. This is a story about how our expectations ruin our lives and how comparison really is the thief of joy. Looking back now I can laugh.. kinda. Looking back I have several things I have learned about my husband. A) he is not good with surprises..... and B) he's not good with surprises.
But you know what, surprises and setting doesn't make a godly marriage. From day one we were committed to spend more time preparing for marriage than our wedding.
A filmed proposal with the ring you always wanted doesn't guarantee you a good marriage.
A wedding with crystal and a 5 tier cake doesn't make a good marriage.
A dress does not make a good marriage.
I have only been married for 5 months but it has been in these past five months that God has shown me more grace than ever.
If you can't tell from my story, I struggle with selfishness. This has been something that is negative. I write this story because I don't think I am the only person who struggles with this. So many girls are confused by what make a good marriage. a pinterest perfect wedding doesn't make a good marriage. God does. I have a husband who loves me like none other. I have a husband who graciously sacrifices for me. I do not deserve him.
Marriage is a covenant that you make with someone else in front of God.
A proposal doesn't help that, a dress, cake, and décor does not help that. There was actually a time where I wanted to get eloped because I was tired of the planning.
My thought life ruined my proposal because I compared what was real with what was fake. I expected perfection, when I am just a sinner saved by the Sacrifice on the cross.
I write this to be transparent because I am not perfect and my sin nature runs deep. I write this because I am thankful that a good godly marriage doesn't depend on human efforts.
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