People! Writing is hard! Writing is so HARD, the thought of writing something now sends me swimming in a sea of melancholy, like that time I was sat in a further maths exam and I ended up submitting a doodle of me ‘dubbing’ from my seat partner who was trying his best to hide his work. Needless to say, I got an artistic F but this isn’t a story about that, this is an article about, whether to date a colleague or not. To help with this, will be Mike, 25 who has experience on the subject matter. Mike would be providing insight on why you shouldn’t date a co-worker. Mike worked as a cleaner in a company that sells automated cleaning services and until he was recently fired from his role after been found out to have had sexual relations with one of his co-workers. Now that may sound weird and ironic but nothing about this article isn’t weird. Me: So, Mike, you work as a cleaner in a company that sells automated cleaning services, can you please explain to us how you came about having a relationship with one of your co-workers as it’s come to attention you were the only human staff on employ there. Mike: Who’s this? How’d you get my number? Me: Err, Mike that wasn’t the question, but not to worry it doesn’t matter, will go to the debate proper; please explain for my readers how you started to date your colleague and the history behind it. Mike: Listen, I don’t know who you are but I find this an invasion of privacy, I’d advise you get off my line, not call me again or I’ll be reporting you to the police. Also, my name is not Mike! Me: LOL! Mike, for this Naija where we de? Please if you get through to the police tell them someone stole the boxer-shorts I put on my line last week and it’s been too long and they’ve yet to find the culprit, I’m tired of walking around in just my jeans; I might have an accident soon but, Mike I digress please stop evading the question and give us answers, my readers would like to know… [Click] [Dials Mike’s number again—it was probably network problem, you know how connections are terrible— Mike: listen, weirdo! I don’t know who this is and I don’t know how you got my number but you’d better get off my fucking line or I will find you and I will… Me: Mike, I’m sorry to have to cut you off but we can’t curse here and also please note, I can’t use any line you say that sounds like context from that movie where a former CIA agent has his daughter kidnapped and he goes on a mission to save her, that’s Taken! LOL! Get it? Mike: That joke’s been done before, you’re no genius. I’m ending this conversation right now because talking to a mad man on a Sunday morning is not how I planned to start my week. [Click] Me: oh wow! I think Mike’s is upset about something, I should call him and find out what. [Dials] “The number you’ve tried to reach is not available or you’ve been blocked from reaching this user” Me: Network in this country is so shitty, that number I just finished talking to Is now telling me I’m blocked from reaching. Fellow readers as we can’t have our planned conversation with Mike, I’ll just have to state my reasons on why you shouldn’t date a colleague and here they are: You should date in the office simply because you two can scheme and plan effectively on how to make money from your company/organisation. There’s a reason they say, “Two heads are better than one.” It’s for planning white-collar crimes or maybe a sexual innuendo either way it’s a great reason to date a co-worker. Another reason to date in the office? To make your life more complicated! Only boring people live simple lives and the one thing we must always strive to avoid is living boring lives. That and being trapped in the friend zone. Dating a co-worker is basically saying: I want to be confronted by my stupid decisions every morning when I walk into the office, and throughout the day as the said decision walks by you laughing at a joke that is not even funny. Being confronted by stupid decisions allow us grow as humans, don’t ask me how, its science! One of the all-important reasons to dating a colleague is to make sure you’re the centre of all office gossip because let’s face it, Linda Ikeji just isn’t enough. Are you tired of having the same dreary bland conversation everyday with your significant other? “Hi! How was your day?”, “Anything happen at the office today?” want to never have to face this? Then ask your doctor if dating your co-worker is right for you (IT IS!). Are you insecure? Over-protective? Want to make sure your significant other never cheats on you on when they do, have the proof to confront them? Hey babe! I called you at 2:15 pm today no answer, went to your desk at 2:17 and you weren’t there… you were cheating on me in the bathroom right! I have your missing 3 minutes to prove it! Oh! You’re going out of town for a conference? Well, I checked HR and you have no conferences coming up. So you want to leave me for that slut? Over my dead body! You and I are going to sit here and eat this food I made with Otapiapia… with love! Dear readers, I hope I’ve been able to give you adequate reasons on why you should date a colleague. It’s sad we couldn’t get Mike to give us his useful insights but maybe its faith and God’s way of saying that you should only read reasons why you should date a co-worker. Anyway, till next time. Have a lovely day. Written by Faisal Adamu: Strategist, free thinker, constantly in a state of perturbedness, aspiring satirist, ignorant. Find me on twitter @notfaizzy
