bobones

22, struggling with dissociation.

[boenbentvent]

𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍 𝚋𝚎𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚏𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚘𝚠𝚒𝚗𝚐

Me: 🦁 Current Parts: 🦆/🪽/⚽️/🌻

This is not the typical "system" "syscourse" "plural" account. I'm not calling myself a system, I am not calling myself plural, because I'm not personally comfortable with those community terms.

I have experienced heavy dissociative symptoms since I was young—and a lot of those symptoms DO correlate with things I am already professionally diagnosed with. However, during high-stress periods, when confronting triggers, when working through trauma—that dissociation tends to present very differently in a way that is no longer congruent with what I am diagnosed with.

I had a consistent therapist for a few years up until about four years ago, where we reached an impass. With the help of my psychiatrist, I had been cycling through different medications to treat what I am diagnosed with, trying different therapy methods, EMDR, trauma-based DBT skills—but nothing seemed to actually improve the dissociative episodes, the lapses in time, and while I got better with managing my triggers, I still experience a lot of dissociation around those triggers—and that dissociation does come with differences in the way that I think about things, how I process information, how I react to certain scenarios, how I present myself as an individual, and how blurry my sense of individuality gets.

The impass with my therapist—he confidently told me that he has done everything that he can for me, but encouraged me to seek out a different specialist who does have more experience with dissociation, complex trauma, and depersonalization, since he does not specialize in those areas. I never followed up with his suggestion due to falling into substance abuse and "system spaces" due to a friend at the time.

I was confident in the fact that I had DID, especially considering how the substance abuse was increasing my dissociative episodes and the friend at the time who was spoonfeeding me misinformation about "innerworlds," "phantom pains/limbs," "in-system dating," and all of that junk that has been debunked time and time again by qualified professionals. I always had a very overactive imagination, so imagining all of my favorite characters in my head to rationalize what I couldn't explain myself became a coping mechanism—but it also became a psychosis episode that lasted for nearly two years.

As of now, I am two years sober, I am back in therapy, and I fully expected the heavy dissociative symptoms to leave once the psychosis episode gradually faded out and pulled me back into reality, but it didn't. Of course, I am not experiencing things like "in-system dating" or "innerworlds" anymore, because those things TRULY require a certain level of delusion that I was only able to reach with the help of abusing schedule 2-4 drugs.

I went back to managing my dissociative episodes the best that I could, but the last two years have been filled with traumatic setback after traumatic setback, which is making my symptoms present in that peculiar, unfamiliar way again—making me go back to suspecting that I was either misdiagnosed, or have yet to be diagnosed with something that is congruent with dissociation itself. I'm not claiming that it's DID, or OSDD, or even ID (BPD), DA, DPD/DRD, etc. I'm not self-diagnosing myself with anything here, and I do not wish to, because I don't want to fall back into psychosis.

However, my current therapist did suggest that it would be a good idea to keep track of my symptoms, how things change before, during, and after those dissociative episodes, to try and identify the changes in identity that I DO feel in order to pin-point those feelings of change in therapy and connect them to triggers—so that I can hopefully work through that trauma and get to the root cause. That is what this account is for, since posting about it is a more compelling feeling than hiding it away in a notes app, and I also need to work through the feelings of shame around this issue I have.

I'm not "fictive heavy," my differences in identity are not "dating" each other, there is no "innerworld," I do not have 5000 "alters," the different parts of myself do not have 1000 xenodenders each, I do not believe in "endogenic" or "stressgenic" or "tupla" bullshit, none of them are "holders" of anything, there are no "doubles," there is no "source heavy," none of them change my sexuality or gender—and I can recognize, without a shadow of a doubt, that each difference in identity—is me.

They are not separate individuals. They are not their own people. Everything that they "like," everything that they "say," it all ties back, to me. The differences in individually during dissociation, they ARE me. They make UP me, and I refuse to fall into medical misinformation again. I have absolutely no desire to participate in "system spaces," 99% of you are the worst and most toxic people to cross this earth, and I want nothing to do with it.

There is no "we," there is no "system," there is just I. Me. And this account to track my symptoms to later bring to my therapist each month.

-🦁

[boenbentvent]

ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴘɪɴɴᴇᴅ ᴘᴏꜱᴛ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ᴄᴏᴍᴍᴇɴᴛɪɴɢ

Looking back on today's events to process the current feeling I have has given me the bittersweet realization that while I am doing so much better at coping through triggers to where most of them are no longer high triggers—that if there are multiple in succession, my brain will subconsciously absorb them anyway and those repressed, unprocessed thoughts will bubble up later when faced with the smallest trigger, leading to a distressing, nauseating accumulation of traumatic memories.

I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm cold, wet, and dirty.

Currently putting on the TV to try and transition a different part more into the spotlight to shut down the current thought spiral. I want to be held by safe hands.

-🪽

[boenbentvent]

ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴘɪɴɴᴇᴅ ᴘᴏꜱᴛ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ᴄᴏᴍᴍᴇɴᴛɪɴɢ

Feeling (How do I feel when this part of my identity is triggered/present?): Anxious, nervous, nauseous, lost, physical contact repulsed, silent, sick, dread, regret, dirty, shameful, uncomfortable.

Correlations (What things tend to correlate when this part of myself is present?): 🪽/ Quiet—quick breathing, nausea, vomit, bathrooms, mold, mens shampoo, dizziness, darkness, hot rooms, dim lights, lightheadedness, tachycardia, wet hair, bar soap, airports, planes, hospitals, parks at night, night, rotten coffee.

Quote (What quote(s) resonate with this part of me?): "I'm tired of hearing that they didn't know any better. We were both dumb kids, yes, but I would have never done that to you."

Music (What music resonates with this part of me?): "Suffocation - [Crystal Castles]" " Killing Me Softly With His Song - [Fugees]"

Purpose (Does this part of me tend to show up to confront stress, or as a need to de-stress?): Present during stress post intimacy/intimate physical contact. Hard to get this part to transition away if intimacy is the trigger and not general reoccurring episodes.

Description (How would I describe this part of me to another individual? How did this part of me come to be?): I know this part is directly linked to my C-PTSD since I've worked that root out in EMDR. It used to be very present between the ages of 13-16, slowed down at 17-18, and now they only seem to be present after certain contexts of intimacy. That is the one trigger that I haven't hurdled over yet, and it's difficult, because it doesn't always happen with intimacy. It's not predictable. This part doesn't give off any kind of distinctly masculine or feminine feeling—it just feels heavy and weak. Dreadful. Lost and anxious.

Date (Around when did I discover this part of me? At what stage of life did it develop?): Between the ages of 12-15, very present during 13-16 gap. Shows up less frequently than previously, but that doesn't make it hit any less hard.

[boenbentvent]

ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴘɪɴɴᴇᴅ ᴘᴏꜱᴛ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ᴄᴏᴍᴍᴇɴᴛɪɴɢ

Feeling (How do I feel when this part of my identity is triggered/present?): Masculine, older, male, mild avoidance, independent, hard-working, important, authoritive, confident, caregiving, content, "go with the flow," easygoing, strong-willed, stubborn.

Correlations (What things tend to correlate when this part of myself is present?): ⚽️ // Outdoor labor, calm/passive aggressive problem solving, sports, hands-on projects, fishing, afternoons, rain, muddy water, dirt, dog fur, male energy, quiet misery.

Quote (What quote(s) resonate with this part of me?): "We'll cross that bridge if and when we damn get there." "Suck it up, buttercup."

Music (What music resonates with this part of me?): "The Master's Call - [Marty Robbins]"

Purpose (Does this part of me tend to show up to confront stress, or as a need to de-stress?): Tends to appear around periods of de-stressing through mild avoidance or around periods of high-stress that require a certain amount of manual labor that need a more toxically masculine feeling of "suck it up and get it done."

Description (How would I describe this part of me to another individual? How did this part of me come to be?): A man who spent most of his time as a boy being forced to be a man. This part of me downplays every hardship and shoves it way down deep to get things done that I normally couldn't force myself through. "No one else is going to do it, so you're going to learn how to do it, and do it." is how he was taught. Was taught to pride himself on "toughing it out" despite physical or emotional pain. Rewarded for it. This developed into a discomfort around asking for help or accepting help.

Date (Around when did I discover this part of me? At what stage of life did it develop?): Mid-childhood, around the ages of 8-12.

[boenbentvent]

ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴘɪɴɴᴇᴅ ᴘᴏꜱᴛ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ᴄᴏᴍᴍᴇɴᴛɪɴɢ

Feeling (How do I feel when this part of my identity is triggered/present?): Feminine, motherly. Stressed, overworked, yet proud. Nostalgic. Simple, sometimes outwardly calm, internally panicked. Nurturing. Giving. Hard working. Confrontational.

Correlations (What things tend to correlate when this part of myself is present?): 🦆// Birds, flowers, nature, puzzles, indoor labor work, cleaning, cooking, caregiving, stress. Religious undertones.

Quote (What quote(s) resonates with this part of me?): "She gets what she wants because she works for it." "Nobody is coming to save you, get up." "I gave up my life to learn how to save yours."

Music (What music resonates with this part of me?): "Big Girls Don't Cry - Personal [Fergie]" "What Was I Made For? [Billie E]" "When I Grow Up [Matilda]"

Purpose (Does this part of me tend to show up to confront stress, or as a need to de-stress?): Shows up to handle stressors to make self-soothing easier later down the line.

Description (How would I describe this part of me to another individual? How did this part of me come to be?): This part honestly feels like a little girl being forced to cosplay as an older, adult woman. Being forced to carry the heavy weight of adulthood on her shoulders at an age way too young to be doing so. They will act calm and collected under extreme stress where there is a task that must be done or issue that must be faced, but internally, there is a great panic that presents in the form of stress cleaning, stress cooking, doing anything to appease and make things easier for what may be causing the stress—especially if that stress is a person. She will put her own needs and health aside if there is another in need. She parents the parents, and parents the parents' kids. Though, once the stress has passed, they will usually regulate with calming activities such as sitting outside, watching birds, old computer games, and jigsaw puzzles to try and cause another part to start presenting and self-soothe the mind away from the stress completely.

Date (Around when did I discover this part of me? At what stage of life did it develop?): Originally between 6-12, paused development/less present until 17-20.