Double Life
pairing: Kaz Brekker x gn!University student!Reader
summary: Kaz Brekker lives two lives, one as the Bastard of the Barrel, and one secret one as your devoted boyfriend; he’s rich in more than just money.
word count: 3.4k
warnings: none, fluff
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Tonight, for some inexplicable reason, Kaz was feeling extra peppy. Maybe his week had just been better than most. Maybe the sun had actually shone for a few days. Maybe he’d actually been getting decent sleep and reaping the benefits. Whatever may have been the cause, all Kaz knew was that he was in an indecipherable but subtle good mood. It was this extra elation, this lightness in his step, that brought out the romantic side of him that he always refused to acknowledge.
Kaz visited you as often as he could, considering the complexity of his schedule and the rigidity of yours. Often, when he did come over you were in the middle of homework or studying and so the majority of your time spent together ended up being the two of you working on your respective projects in the living room, sitting closely and sharing cups of tea and snacks. Less often, the both of you were free at the time Kaz was available to visit and the two of you would have each other’s undivided attention for a little date night in. It was always Kaz who visited you, never the other way around, purely for your safety; he couldn’t have you wandering around the Barrel and possibly be discovered as connected emotionally to him. Because, as much as he’s loath to admit it, Kaz Brekker is very much emotionally connected to you. Ever since you came into his life, his thoughts and feelings have been yours without fail. Your happiness and security have become the most primary concerns in his life, even if externally his priorities remain krudge and domination of the market. And even if it made it harder to see each other when only one person could initiate the visits, in Kaz’s mind, it was well worth it to provide that extra layer of protection to you—considering you’ve taken up arguably one of the most dangerous jobs in Ketterdam, which is to date the Bastard of the Barrel.
Tonight, it was the wee hours of the morning. Kaz had closed the Crow Club a couple of hours ago and then settled some pressing work in his office and now he was making his way home to you. Yes, home. Because that’s what you were now. When Kaz pictured coming home from work, whether that was at the Club or on a job, he pictured your apartment and best of all he pictured you. Kaz wandered over to one of the little grocery stores that didn’t open for another few hours and went ahead and stealthily broke in. He made quick work of grabbing a bouquet of flowers and some strawberries and put some krudge in the register, just because he was feeling generous, and slipped back onto the street. Kaz hid the bouquet in his coat and held the box of strawberries in his hand.
Kaz entered your apartment through the back window, as he almost always did, and landed inside as quietly as he could given his cane. The apartment was dark, save for the light filtering in from the slowly rising sun, and the air was still and calm. Kaz’s lips twitched as he took in the familiar sight of your apartment, everything looked so dreamlike and perfect every time he was here. Since it was so early, Kaz knew you were still asleep, and he didn’t want to wake you so he set himself to work in your kitchen and living room. First, he put the bouquet in a vase and set it prettily on the counter. Then he put the strawberries in the fridge and checked the calendar you had taped to it so he could see what you had going on today. After that, Kaz wandered quietly about the rest of your apartment, tidying up here and there where he could. Kaz wanted you to wake up with some of your chores already done so you’d have just one less thing on your shoulders today. He wanted you to wake up to a nice clean space and the knowledge that there was someone there looking after you. It gave him a strange sense of pride to be able to do things like this for you. Kaz had never really considered himself to be the caring type, but for some reason, it was more of an instinct than behavioral condition when it came to you. And even more strange, it brought Kaz an odd sense of satisfaction and pleasure to take care of you and anticipate your needs before you ever had to voice them.
Once his little round of cleaning was done, Kaz decided it was time for bed. He ambled to your bedroom and carefully slipped inside, moving as quietly as possible to avoid waking you up. In the dark, Kaz dressed in his pajamas, a loose fitting long sleeve shirt and pants combo, that he kept extra pairs of in the drawer of your dresser that was now devoted to him. Once dressed, Kaz turned around and took a moment to observe you from the foot of your bed. You were fast asleep, but even in the dark, Kaz could make out your peaceful features and the slow rise and fall of your chest. Finally seeing you again after what felt like an eternity when realistically it was only several hours, made something tight in Kaz’s chest knock loose. For a second he forgot how to breathe, then recovered and breathed better than he had during the whole time he’d spent without you.
Kaz slipped into his side of the bed, his side because that’s how permanent you viewed his position in your life, and pulled the covers up to his chest. There were pillows that drew a line down the middle of the bed to help prevent unknowing contact while you both slept and Kaz couldn’t help the way his heart stuttered at the idea of you setting that up just in the hope that he would come during the night. It was always the little things that got to him. All the little ways you told him you loved him without even trying. He’d never met someone who made loving him look so easy and he only hoped he was just as good as presenting his own feelings to you the way you did to him.
Kaz turned his head to look at you a little closer before falling asleep. He let his eyes trace the outline of your face in the dark, though he didn’t really need any light as he’d memorized your features long ago. Kaz just stared for a couple of minutes before he let himself drift off into a blissful sleep.
When you woke up, it was to the delightful surprise of your boyfriend beside you in bed. The sight instantly made your day and brought out a stupidly happy grin. Kaz was fast asleep, and you were glad of it, knowing how rarely he got decent sleep. His long dark lashes rested softly on his pale cheeks. His lips were slightly parted and his dark hair fell haphazardly onto the pillow. You had to fight the urge to run your hands through his hair and kiss his nose because he was just so cute like this, but you really didn’t want to wake him up, so you settled for just looking at him in the soft morning light.
You only got to look at him for a few minutes though, before you had to force yourself out of bed to get ready for the day. Today, you only had one morning lecture for two hours. You knew Kaz would probably still be asleep when you came back, but just in case, you left a note on the nightstand next to him explaining where you were. When you walked into the kitchen to get ready to go, your heart stuttered at the sight of the fresh bouquet sitting gloriously on your counter. As if your day couldn’t be off to a better start, that man just had to go and get you flowers. Saints, you were so in love with him.
You had been right about your predictions about the state of your boyfriend when you got back from your lecture. When you walked, quietly, into your bedroom, Kaz was still deep asleep. You put your house clothes on, making as little noise as humanly possible and took a minute to soak in the sight of the Bastard of the Barrel, as relaxed as he’d probably ever be, curled in your bedsheets. You then wandered back to the living room to do a little work without risking waking Kaz up.
You were in the middle of revising some lecture notes when you heard the tell tale sound of a cane thumping softly on your aging floor, a small smile grew on your lips at the sound. You didn’t say anything as Kaz entered the room, deciding to let him break the silence. On one hand, this strategy would give you a clue right off the bat what type of mood he was in, and on the other, it was a selfishly cunning way of reminding yourself of his interest in you.
“Morning,” came the gruff voice of your boyfriend after he’d settled down in the loveseat that faced where you were planted on the couch.
“Morning, sleeping beauty,” you greeted back with a teasing lilt that brought a harmless scoff out of the brunette in front of you. You set your pen down on your notebook. “Thank you for the flowers by the way, and the strawberries, and putting the dishes away.” Even just remembering the gifts you’d woken up to this morning made your heart flutter wildly in your chest.
“It’s nothing,” Kaz tried to brush off unaffectedly, but you knew him well enough to know that he’d tucked your thanks away in a special compartment in his heart left solely for you.
“How long do I have you today?” you asked simply, still, the question made Kaz’s chest tighten. It wasn’t the first time Kaz had heard you ask that question, in fact, that was usually one of the first few things you asked him whenever he showed up to your apartment. You never meant it maliciously, not in the slightest, you just wanted to know if there was any need for you to amend your schedule so you could prioritize your time with your boyfriend, or if there was going to be enough wiggle room to maintain your original plans without jeopardizing your time with Kaz. And really, Kaz found the logistical question oddly sweet. It was one of the many ways you showed him how important he was in your life, by literally reorganizing your day around him when need be. It was thoughtful and caring; two words Kaz didn’t normally associate with the way others treated him. Yet, the question was also always taken in with some melancholy. In those same gentle words was a reminder that your time together was inherently limited. Whether it be in two hours or two days, Kaz would eventually have to slink back to the shadows of the Barrel and resume his grim life as Dirtyhands. Kaz couldn’t pretend he wasn’t who he was, even when he existed in the safe bubble of your home, which meant always having to return to reality at some point.
It was a brutal cycle that tore Kaz apart on the inside every time he had to repeat it.
But maybe one day, he wouldn’t have to leave. Maybe one day, when Kaz called this place his home, he wouldn’t mean it in the purely metaphorical sense. Maybe one day, you wouldn’t have to ask him how long he was staying this time.
“I don’t have to be back at the club until the evening,” Kaz answered.
“After dinner?”
Kaz’s lips twitched like it was a reflex to smile around you and he was still getting used to it. “Yes, after dinner.”
You grinned mischievously, like you’d just hatched a heist instead of confirming dinner plans with your lover. You put your notebook on the coffee table and adjusted yourself to sit in a more comfortable position to face Kaz. “And how was your day, yesterday?”
Kaz shrugged as he slightly mimicked you in adjusting his posture, “Fine enough. Busy, but successful, I suppose. Yourself?”
You shrugged in turn, “Also busy, but I’m sure in a different way than you.”
“Tell me what you did.” His voice wasn’t commanding, but it still held that authority that was ever present when he spoke, even in whispers during nights shared just between the two of you. You didn’t have to be asked twice though, you rattled off about the day you’d had yesterday, including as many minute and unnecessary details as possible, because you knew Kaz just liked to hear you talk. And Saints, did he like to hear you talk. If he didn’t have so much pride, he would hand you a dictionary and ask you to read it to him, just so he could sink into the melody of your voice.
“Do you want anything to drink? You hungry?” you asked him after you’d finished your narrative, your voice taking on that nurturing tone it took whenever you were trying to get Kaz to engage in self care. He was thirsty, and he was hungry, but he wasn’t going to say anything and make you get up to take care of him; until you got up yourself and he could tell by your body language that you were meaning to anyway.
“Some coffee would suffice,” he said simply, still not wanting to burden you with his desires, no matter how many times now you’d nearly begged him to lean more on you.
You raised an unimpressed eyebrow, clearly not believing that a cup of coffee was all he wanted. “And?”
He rolled his eyes and forced down a smirk at your smart attitude. “Some food might also be enjoyable,” he drawled with a lordly look that made your stomach do flips.
“Wanna make crepes?”
“Is that really a question?”
You laughed and strolled into the small kitchen, getting out the ingredients required for the crepes. Kaz took his time rising from the plush chair and ambling into the kitchen behind you. He began to make the coffee while you finished laying out everything for the meal. The two of you made the crepes in a lazy and love filled haze, the recipe having been memorized ages ago, and the two of you taking more pleasure in making the food together than actually eating it. When the crepes were done, you and Kaz ate them slowly on stools perched at your counter, the afternoon sun filtering in through windows across the apartment. It was the tastiest meal either of you had had since the last time you’d eaten together. When the plates had been scraped clean, Kaz made a move to get up and clean up for you, but you were faster, and beat him in the race to grab the dirty plates and take them to the sink. You felt Kaz’s benign glare on your back as you washed the plates he was supposed to take care of, it just made you smile harder.
“Has anyone ever told you how cute you look when you’re irritated?” you poked teasingly when you stole a glance at Kaz’s expression from over your shoulder. You were met with instant satisfaction when his eye twitched.
“Can’t say they have, no,” Kaz bristled after a beat. You went back to the dishes and a warm silence enveloped the apartment, only disrupted by the soft sound of running water and the scratch of a sponge against porcelain. Kaz noticed you were almost done and so he got up and wandered back to the living room, where instead of returning to his loveseat, he sunk into the middle of the couch, watching and waiting to catch your eye when you turned around. Putting the dishes in the rack to dry, you pivoted with the intention of sitting down once again since you’d heard Kaz walk away from the counter. You immediately found Kaz’s piercing gaze already firmly settled on you, and when you cocked your head in silent invitation to share whatever scheme it was you saw forming in his head, he wordlessly patted the cushion next to him. Your brows furrowed, but not unhappily, at the plain motion but didn’t wait for him to verbally expand. You waltzed over to the couch, and in one swift, natural movement, you placed a small throw pillow along the seam of the cushion as you plopped down, a small barrier to keep your knees from accidentally touching Kaz and triggering him. The pillow’s placement did not go unnoticed by Kaz, who’s heart lurched at the thoughtfulness and love in one simple gesture.
Sometimes, in the most unexpected and unassuming moments, Kaz is pummeled by the earth shaking love he has for you.
It has been a good week. It’s been a good day. He’s feeling more recharged than he has in months. He feels safe. He feels secure. He feels like if he can’t be brave right now, he’ll never succeed in anything else in his life. He needs to be courageous, if not selfishly for him, then selflessly for you.
Kaz moves so slowly it’s almost like he’s not moving at all. But you saw the look in his eyes. You saw the undisguised, all consuming desire and desperation shining in those brown irises before he began leaning in. You saw the way his hand clenched the pillow at his folded knee in a white knuckle grip, practically shaking with emotions that surely conflicted with each other. You knew what he wanted to do, what he was trying to do, so you stayed still as a statue. In moments like this, you tried to relinquish all control to Kaz so he was as comfortable as possible; the control helped him keep from getting swept up in the waves. And Kaz knew this, he knew you sat there like stone in an attempt to help him fight the war that raged within, it only increased the yearning to kiss you tenfold.
Sometimes, in moments like this, the tension became so high and so taught, that you had to close your eyes and hold your breath. Otherwise, it felt like you’d shatter reality and nothing would ever be the same again. It was the most thrilling feeling you knew.
Then, mercilessly, Kaz’s lips brushed your cheek in the most featherlight touch that for a second you weren’t sure it was even there. But the kiss lingered, his soft lips grazing your skin so delicately and tenderly that it was damn near explicit. Your breath caught in your throat and the sound was captured by Kaz’s attentive ears and immediately sent a bolt of lightning through his body. He was practically shaking, so many feelings pent up and suppressed in one glorious moment.
The kiss lasted centuries. And when he finally pulled away, you felt dizzy and he felt delirious. The water lapped at his feet and stayed there, and Kaz felt a sense of accomplishment flood him in a way no heist could ever. Then his gaze traveled from the spot on your cheek where he’d just felt beneath his lips to your eyes, and the unadulterated pride that gleamed in them felt like the best sucker punch he’d ever received. The look on your face made him want to plant his lips all over your face, made him want to kiss you like he was trying to eat you alive. It was so easy to get lost in you.
“You’re my favorite thing about life,” Kaz confessed in a voice so bare that your mouth dried up.
“You’re my favorite reason for living,” you replied, the candor of your tone and in your eyes rocked Kaz’s world.
Kaz didn’t care that he’d have to leave in a few hours. He didn’t care about the ruthless world lying in wait just outside your window. He didn’t care about whatever it was Ketterdam was calling out for the Bastard of the Barrel at this moment. He cared about this moment, right here: being suffocated with your love and loving you.
