Sonder

26 | NHL Survivor🎗️ | Bibliophile | Introvert | PH

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I've been thinking about this the past few days. The thing is I don't know if I'm still in remission because I've noticed a small lump under my jaw and I can't get checked yet due to circumstances. I've been thinking what if I die tomorrow? What if all of a sudden we find out that I don't have long to live? To be honest, ever since I got diagnosed two years ago and even after being declared in remission, the "future" remained such an abstract concept to me, experiencing first hand how your life could totally change in an instant. I can no longer imagine myself getting old, getting married, building family, having kids. I no longer allow myself to think far off of the future. But if I die tomorrow, I feel like I'm okay with it. I have long accepted death and all of these now is extra. It may seem such a short life yet, but it's an extraordinary one. I'm currently at the point of total acceptance on whatever comes next. And what brings me the greatest comfort is knowing that I don't have to be afraid of death because there's an eternity waiting for us. Eternity with God where there will be just pure joy, eternal bliss, with no more sickness, pain, or suffering.

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Lessons from The Courage to be Disliked

So, I have finished this book recently The Courage to be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.  It is based on Alfred Adler’s theory of Individual Psychology written in a way of a dialogue between a Philosopher and a youth. It’s really worth reading, I highly recommend it. It definitely had a huge impact on how I look at life. Some of his premises seemed to be too idealistic and hard to take in, but there’s a lot of truth and wisdom in it. Here are my main takeaways from it although I feel like I won’t do justice on explaining it and I highly suggest you read the book but I just want to put it down here to remind me when I need it.

"We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining." You can't let your past keep controlling your life. Don't let it define you. Your unhappiness cannot be blamed on your past or your environment. You have a choice on what you make out of your experiences and what you want your life to be.

Life is not a competition. Do not compare yourself to others. You'll never be at peace if you keep on treating life as a competition because you'll be always afraid to loose and you are always striving to win no matter what. If you can't be happy with the success of others, that's because you see it like their success is your defeat because you treat them as a competition. The important thing is you keep on moving forward, walking in your own path and not the other's.

Stop holding on to your excuses. Whatever it is that you've  always want to do but you've always put on hold, just do it. Stop holding on to your excuses. You just want to leave the possibility of "I can do it if I try" open because you are actually scared of the outcome, that you won't be as good as you thought, and you are scared of rejection. And unless you find the courage to do it, you'll keep on finding whatever excuses to not admit that you just lack courage to do it.

Deny the desire for recognition. Do not live to satisfy the expectations of others.  How people judge you, whether they will like you or not, is their own task and not yours. That is called the separation of task. When you keep on trying to please others, always trying to be recognized, and always concerned on how others see you, you are living other people's lives.    

Do not treat life like climbing a mountain to reach the top. When we treat life like climbing a mountain, most part of our life then becomes "en route", living a "tentative life" and a "tentative me", not fully living your life, until we reach the top --your goals, dreams, and ambitions. And a lot of times life doesn't go the way we want, life gets interrupted by circumstances like accidents or diseases and you are unable to reach the top. "But if life "en-route" is interrupted, with just the "tentative me" leading and "tentative life", what kind of life would that be?"  

Do not treat life as a line but a series of dots. Life is a series of moments called the now. Live on the here and now. Truly live. Fully be at the present, instead of always clinging on to the past or always looking at the future, missing out on the now. "Life is a series of moments called the now, which one lives as if one were dancing, right now, around each passing instant. And when one happens to survey one's surrounding, one realizes, I guess I've made it this far".

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Cancer survivor ft. Covid19

May 2020

What most people don’t usually know is that cancer doesn’t end with the treatment or when you are declared on remission. It doesn’t necessarily becomes easier after the treatment is done. There’s so much going on in me internally that I don’t know how to process. I’ve always thought that I just have to get well, get the treatment done, and then I could go back to my normal life. But my life has changed so much that I can no longer go back to how it all used to before. I have to figure everything out again and start over, find my “new normal”.  To add up, there’s this constant worry and fear of recurrence, of the cancer coming back, that even the slightest weird feeling in my body will make me think of the worst.  And it’s not easy carrying all of that especially when you’re at this age of trying to figure out your life, with all that quarter life crisis sheez, ft. health crisis. And then the pandemic happened, just when I can finally go out again and start over.

The past weeks and months had been a struggle. It was a constant cycle of the extreme highs and lows where sometimes I can be too optimistic and hopeful and then sometimes I am too grumpy, melancholic, dark, and gloomy. And the “in-between” is as bad—just existing, not really living. It’s like there’s a void inside of me that just sucks out everything, making me feel empty.  Some days I try to cling onto whatever that gives me some semblance of my life before cancer while some days I hate anything that reminds me of it. Some days are easier. Some days are unbearable. Most of the days I try to cope through books, getting absorbed through the world of fiction and fantasy, escaping reality.

But all of these too shall pass and in time, everything will be better. We just have to keep going. One day at time. 

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I am allowing myself to dream again.

The past weeks/months had been a struggle. I’ve been trying to let go of my dream to become a doctor because it seemed so impossible considering a lot of things. Honestly, it’s better and easier for everyone if I just give up on that. I’ve exhausted my parents’ savings because of all the expensive treatment and hospital bills and I can’t put any more financial burden on my parents after everything that happened t last year. Then there’s the health risk. Medical school is very demanding (mentally, physically, and emotionally) and that took a toll on my health before (though it’s more of my fault because I didn’t take care of my health).  And even if I am on remission now, there’s always that risk of recurrence. I am scared that if I go back to med school, I might get sick again and I don’t know if I could handle that.

I felt like I had to give up on that possibility of going back to med school to pursue my dreams. I’m scared to hold on to hope again because I don’t want to be disappointed and get hurt again. I tried so much to convince myself to just bury that dream, give it up, let it go, and live an easier life.

But that stubborn dream inside me is too much. Had lots of nights crying myself to sleep.Thinking of either the past or my future is too hard and painful for me. I tried to find lots of distractions just to escape reality and that didn’t work for me. I’ve become too miserable, sensitive, grumpy, and depressed. I hated life. 

Then one day, I listened to the podcast of Ophra’s Super Soul conversations where her guest was Pastor Joel Osteen. They talked about dreaming big, praying bold. I got reminded of who my God is, the God who can do the impossible. I realized that me wanting to let go of my dreams is clearly because of my lack of faith and trust in God. Faith is believing on what seems to be impossible. I believe that God put that persistent dream inside my heart and I believe if that is God’s will, he can make it happen, no matter how impossible. I just have to trust God, trust his perfect timing, and remain faithful even in the wilderness.

I am allowing myself to dream again. I am allowing myself to hope, believe, and to trust God again with the impossible.

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Stenosis

March 2020

A bit late but I just found out that February 29 was World Rare Disease Day. Aside from my battle with lymphoma, I also struggled with Idiophatic Subglottic Stenosis. It is a rare disorder wherein there is a narrowing in the airway just below the vocal cords because of scar formation of unknown cause. The stenosis causes difficulty in breathing, wheezing, and is commonly misdiagnosed as asthma, as what happened to me as well, they initially thought it was adult-onset asthma.

Around the 4th or 5th cycle of my chemo, I started having these attacks of difficulty breathing which were really terrifying. Worst was waking up in the middle of the night like I was drowning, fighting for air. Really felt like I’m about to die every time those attacks happened. I had countless trips to the ER because of that. It gradually got worse until I can’t take few steps without running out of air. We found out eventually that it was because there’s only a slit-like opening left in my airway.

I had to be in tracheostomy for 5 months to help me breathe, but barely being able to speak and the struggle of constantly having to suction the tracheostomy. I also had two surgeries. One was balloon-dilation to widen my airway but it didn’t worked and the stenosis came back just weeks after. That’s why this one is so tricky because it is known for its high recurrence. Second surgery was last December which involves tracheal reconstruction where the doctors removed the part of my trachea with stenosis and then placed a cartilage graft (that they got from my rib!) to widen my airway. Amazing right? haha.

The tracheostomy got removed last February and now I can breathe normally again <3. The wounds on my neck are healed and it looks like a battlefield. But I’m proud of these scars no matter what. My voice changed and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to get my normal voice back but I’m just so grateful to see how far I’ve reach looking back.

Here’s to us battling rare disease that made us extraordinary and filled our lives with colors. Just hold on and keep going no matter what.

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Cancerversary

February 2020 

February 11 last year while I was a 2nd year medical student, I got diagnosed with Stage 2 Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. Today, I’m 3 months on remission. When I started chemo I had to leave the school and was stuck at home for almost a year. So, I started to learn how to paint and since then it has been a big part of my healing and recovery. Last year was the toughest one for me and my family. My life changed in an instant. My dreams put on hold indefinitely. But amidst all of what I went through, God always has a way of showing me that there’s so much more to be grateful for still. During those times, God showed me his love through the people around me, from my family, friends, schoolmates, my doctors/professors, hospital staff, and even strangers.

I learned to find gratitude in the mundane, to find strength and to be brave even if it comes with lots of ugly cries. I learned to accept death, that each day I have now is extra so we have to make the most of it. I learned to appreciate the beauty of healing and recovery no matter how painful and slow it is. I learned to live one day at a time, embracing the future full of uncertainty. But most importantly, when nothing seems to be going well, I learned to just cling on to God. To hold on to hope when everything that’s happening tells me otherwise. To keep the faith and to trust that he still has big plans for me even though I can’t understand the whys. Keep going no matter what.

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2019

December 2019

The worst and the best. Learned to find calm in the chaos; To see that there’s so much to be grateful for no matter what the circumstance is; To find gratitude even in the mundane; To see the beauty of healing, recovery, and growth–no matter how slow and painful; To find strength and to be brave even though it comes with lots of ugly cries; To understand grief and acceptance; To learn to accept death–that each day I have and everything else is extra; To live one day at a time, embracing the future full of uncertainty; To just being in the now, making the most of it, doing whatever I can; To hold on to hope even when everything that’s happening tells you otherwise; To keep the faith, to keep on trusting God even when I can’t understand his plans; To keep on trying, to keep on learning, to keep on exploring; To not be limited by our own limitations; To the worst and the best year that made us who we are now and filled us with colors.

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The past days, I had this urge to get stuff done as much as possible, to put things in order, to be prepared to say good bye. I don’t know if that was because of the books I read, or my upcoming surgery, or because of the things happening around. So I tried to finish the books I always wanted to read, finished watercolor paintings, and wrote letters. Here’s some of it.

When I went through cancer I have learned to accept death. Now, every day I have and everything else is just extra and I’m always grateful for it. If I ended up dying a bit too early, I could still embrace it, knowing that I have died fighting, that I didn’t give up, that at a point I have beaten cancer. We all are terminal it’s just a matter of when. Yes, it is sad to die young, life yet to be fully known, all potentials left unrealized, dreams left unfulfilled. Nonetheless, while writing this all I could feel is peace, gratitude, and love and I think those are enough. When I was so sick of being sick, I took comfort on the words that everything will be okay, that we might not understand the reason of our suffering here in our lifetime, but we may in heaven.I know it’s hard, but death is not the end. I am at home in God’s arms.

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In between

“I am stuck in present tense. I have lost the ability to make extended plans, to reach into the future and speak its language.” — Kate Bowler 

As of October 24th 2019, I am officially in remission, complete response from the chemotherapy. I couldn’t believe it until I saw my oncologist write down NED (No evidence of disease). The tumor in my chest is gone! I beat cancer!

I know I was supposed to be very happy but I felt like I couldn’t celebrate yet. I still have to deal with the stenosis in my airway. Because my first surgery didn’t worked, I am to have the second surgery this December, a more invasive open surgery. I am actually amazed when they told me how they will do it but I am scared because there’s no 100% guarantee that it will work. And if that doesn’t work, I don’t know what else the doctors could do. I’m scared that I’ll have to live with this tracheotomy tube forever, that I will never be able to get back to my life, and I don’t know if I could handle that.

Whenever my mind wanders off to the future I wanted, the future I dreamed of, I had to consciously stop myself, reminding myself to just focus on the now, because my future is too full of uncertainty. It’s not that I lost hope or had given up my dream but I guess I just want to protect my heart from any more disappointment from failed expectations.

I am living one day at a time, not dwelling on my future, not making any plans, just being in the now, trying to do whatever I can, but still hoping, still dreaming, still fighting.

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A Letter to Myself

“I know you’re tired and you want to give up. You’d rather die than live aimlessly, thinking about the could haves each day. I know it’s all been difficult. You can’t always try to be happy and optimistic. You don’t always have to be strong and act like everything is okay when it’s not. It’s okay to be angry, grumpy, moody, and sad at times. Ignoring or trying to suppress those will not work. Your feelings are valid. You have to recognize it and then release it. That way you’ll be able to move forward and look at the better days ahead. I know how hard it is for you to believe and hope that everything will be okay when the opposite keeps on happening. But please try to still believe. You are stronger than you think you were. You are a fighter. Remember who you are, remember who your God is. He loves you so much and he will never leave nor forsake you. Remember how He got you through before and that He could do it again. He is faithful always. You could have died at the OR that time but you didn’t. Remember those who love you. Your parents who always take care of you and your siblings who always try to make you feel better. If not for yourself, try to fight a little more for them. Remember your dream to become a doctor and those who believe in you. One day you will tell your story and you will help others who wants to give up. Keep the faith. Trust God.”

Wrote this one after I’ve been on those times when I’m so sick of being sick, when anger, despair, and hopelessness overpowered me, when no words of encouragement and positive thinking could work, when I questioned even my faith, when I got so tired of it all and I all I wanted is to give up.

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Status Post: Chemotherapy

So last July I finished the last cycle of my chemotherapy. Yey! My doctors said I tolerated the chemo somehow better than most.  I was never nauseous or felt weak after the chemo sessions. Aside from the bald head, I felt normal. Well actually I felt normal within the week of the chemo session. On the 2nd week I had various stuff going on ranging from body pains, fatigue, sore throat, toothache, very bad cough and colds, etc.. but these were bearable. Then on the 3rd week, I start to feel better again. That’s how each cycle goes for me. 

Chemotherapy greatly weakens our immune system making us very vulnerable to other diseases. I had to deal with a lot more problems with my body aside from lymphoma. I had a persistent sore throat for around 2 months and it’s very painful when I swallow but my doctor couldn’t find the cause. I also had a very bad cough for months that kept me up at night and had very sticky phlegm on my chest that caused difficulty in breathing. This eventually turned out to be Pneumonia caused by Pseudomonas aeruginosa which was resistant to a lot of antibiotics. I had to be admitted to the hospital again for this. My voice became very weird and hoarse and we thought it was just because of the sore throat and from coughing a lot. I also had Pericoronitis, which is an inflammation of the gums around the wisdom tooth..I could even see that there was a hole in my gums and it was very very painful especially when I eat. Good thing, this was easy to treat. My dentist just told me to keep on gargling warm water with salt haha. Aside from these, I had an infection in the previous site of the tracheostomy. The wound was almost closed but it opened again because of the infection. I also had a lot of trips to the ER because I had sudden attacks of difficulty breathing which we don’t know what the cause is.

So I was super happy when I finished chemo. I felt like I’m no longer sick. I thought I am on my road to recovery. I thought everything will be easier after the chemo, but I was soo wrong. It just kept on getting worse. My breathing problem got worse. I would run out of breath even just from walking a few steps. I consulted a pulmonologist and they thought it was adult-onset asthma. It got so bad that I had to be admitted to the hospital again for few days. They gave me a lot of meds for asthma but it didn’t work. The attacks just kept on getting worse.

Then came the scans. It was a bit uncertain if it was still the tumor in my chest or it was thymic hyperplasia so I still need to have PET scan to see if the tumor is still active which will determine if I need to undergo radiotherapy. 

But they also found that I have a Tracheal stenosis. There was a narrowing in my airway, the opening is almost slit-like which is why it was sooo difficult for me to breathe. It wasn’t asthma after all, though it is commonly misdiagnosed as asthma though because of the similar symptoms and presentation.The only way to treat it is through surgery.  They have to do tracheostomy again to secure my airway. Soo my scar was reopened and I have a tube in my trachea again for more than a month now. I’m getting used to it now.  Now to address the stenosis, we could either go for balloon dilatation or laser surgery. We opted for the laser because it was more recommended however it wasn’t possible and the surgeons really had difficulty during my operation because there wasn’t enough exposure for the equipment to get into the stenosis and because of some anatomic problems like my neck was a bit short, my larynx was too anterior, my thyroid gland was too big. The problem with balloon dilatation is the high possibility of the recurrence of the stenosis, which is what happened. After just 4 weeks, the stenosis is back. Now the doctors are recommending for an open surgery wherein they had to split a part of my airway and then graft it with a cartilage from the ribs but the success rate isn’t that high as well and they have to study more my case first before finalizing what to do now. I also have to wait for the PET scan first and address the lymphoma first before the surgery.

It’s so frustrating. Complications after another. It keeps on getting worse. I try to still be optimistic about it all but I can’t. There was a point when I stopped praying for healing because I felt like it was pointless. God doesn’t heal everyone. I want to keep on trusting God that everything will be okay and that He still has a great plan for my life, but it’s too hard to believe right now. The emotional and financial burden on my parents is even more difficult for me. There are times when I feel like I’m okay whatever may happen, whether I survive all of this or not. Sometimes I feel like I’m ready to accept death, maybe it will be better and easier for everyone. Sometimes I try not to think about my illness and try to live like normal. Sometimes, I try not to feel, not to think about it like it doesn’t affect me at all or that it doesn’t exist, because if dwell on it..I might not be able to bear it. Come what may, whatever will be, will be.  I’m not sure now but no, I’m not giving up yet.

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On losing my hair & living with cancer

It has been three months since I was diagnosed with lymphoma. 

After my first chemo my hair started falling out. During that time I was admitted at the hospital for weeks and I can’t take a full bath because of the tubes and tracheostomy. I haven’t washed my hair for two weeks and we just tie it up everyday. Then finally after washing my hair, it got tangled so bad that we can no longer comb it and eventually we had to cut it. 

I always had a long hair and whenever I get it trimmed, even if it was just a few inches, I really feel bad after. When I was younger, I had a lot of insecurities and I always felt that the only thing that made me feel pretty was my hair. Soo it was devastating, cutting my hair very short and seeing my hair falling out more and more each day. They said that it was okay, it will eventually grow our after the chemo. But it was really hard for me to accept. I cried once when I really felt bad because of my hair, and my mom kept on trying to stop me from crying. That’s why I don’t cry in front of her because for her I shouldn’t cry, because for her it’s me giving me up. I told her that there’s nothing wrong with crying, it’s normal and it’s okay to cry at times. And it wasn’t me giving up, it’s just me trying to live and accept my loses.

Until now, I haven’t fully accepted that I’m already bald. I’m somehow getting used to it or I’m trying to. I still wear wig when going outside or when I have visitors. Worse part of it I guess is how my mom act about it in front of others like she’s so ashamed that others may see me bald. But it’s amazing how my hair is starting to grow again even though I’m still undergoing chemo.

So much about my hair haha. 

Most of the days I just want time to fast forward when I’m done with chemo, I beat off cancer, when my hair is longer, and maybe I’m back at med school. But the uncertainty of what could still happen scares me and as we know cancer is tricky. Just like how some days I feel normal again like I’m no longer sick and then suddenly there’s my WBC dropping again. Nonetheless, I’m grateful that I’m still breathing and still fighting cancer. And I thank God for giving me peace and rest amidst all of these..and for continuously giving me hope and assurance that everything will be okay in time and that he’s still not finished with my story.

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It was my second year in medical school when I got diagnosed with cancer.

We were just reading and studying the symptoms and diseases in the textbooks and then suddenly I was the one experiencing it.

It started December 2018 as an enlarged lymph node on my neck which continuously grow and multiplied over weeks. After several workups and medications that did not work, the doctor recommended to do a biopsy. By that time, second semester at school just started. I consulted my professor in surgery and he suggested to do the biopsy himself as soon as possible. Before the procedure, they did an x-ray and they found a large tumor in my anterior mediastinum just above my heart which was surprising because my x-ray was normal just a month ago. There were also multiple nodules found on my lungs which are causing some fluid build up. I was alone that time and after talking to my doctor it was the only time I cried really really hard, knowing how serious my condition may be and that I might need to stop in medicine school.

A week after, just few days after my 24th birthday, the result of the biopsy came out. It was Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma B cell type, probably stage 3 or 4. This is a type of cancer that starts from the white blood cells affecting the lymphatic system which is an important part of our immune system..The good thing is that this is very responsive to chemotherapy and have a good prognosis. 

It was unusual, I wasn’t that surprised when my doctor told me that I have cancer. Maybe because I had expected the worse possible outcome, or maybe because I already poured it all out when I cried before.  

When I came back to my doctor for follow up I already had difficulty breathing for days but I still tried to go to school for our quiz. But when he saw me, he immediately insisted to admit me at the hospital. Apparently, I have a massive pleural effusion on my left lung (2/3 of my left lung is filled with fluid). I was scheduled for chest tube thoracostomy (CTT) insertion the next day to drain the fluid. It was a simple and quick procedure but I had complications after the operation. I was half awake in the recovery room and I could only remember that I kept on coughing and there were a lot people around me and they were in commotion. The enlarging lymph nodes on my neck started compressing my airway that I could no longer breathe. They couldn’t intubate me and they had to do an emergency tracheostomy.

I woke up in the ICU with tubes on my side and a hole on my neck. My doctor said that I went into critical state and they nearly lost me there. They started the chemotherapy immediately. Thank God, I did not experience much the side effects of chemo except for the hair loss. Doctors said it was amazing how I responded dramatically from the chemo because almost all of the enlarged lymph nodes compressing my neck are already gone just days after and I was doing good compared to other patients who have the same case. I stayed at the hospital for 22 days. I already had 2 cycles of chemo out of 8 and I’m doing well now except I already lost my hair which is difficult for me.

I had to withdraw from medicine school for the treatment. When I started in med school, I always prayed that nothing bad will happen that will make me stop from finishing it, like maybe not having enough money for my tuition but I never thought I would be sick like this because I rarely get sick before. I did asked God at one point why now? why now when I finally found something I don’t want to loose... something worth holding on to no matter how difficult it was. But none if these mattered now. God showed me that there are more things to be thankful for. I’m just thankful that I’m still alive right now. During my time at the hospital, I felt all the love and support of my family, friends, classmates, doctors who are mostly my professors also, and even the whole school of medicine. When my classmates visited, the halls of the hospital outside the ICU were filled with med students. All their support and encouragement were overwhelming and heartwarming. That’s why even if there were times that it was hard and pain is sometimes unbearable, it was not hard to see more of what I could be grateful for. I know that God have a great plan for me because I could have just died during that time in the operating room and I’m excited on what God will do in my life. 

I’m back home now just resting, recovering, and trying to gain again some weight so I decided to write again and here’s my journey on fighting lymphoma, living, surviving, and embracing whatever comes ahead.

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07.23.18

Sometimes, a good cry is all you need. 

Saw this somewhere --- “Embrace your emotions. So have hope, but don’t deny your emotions. Pay attention to them.Feel what you feel.” --- then pour it out...pour out all the pain, hurt, longing, loneliness, anger, yearning...release it all out...and you’ll feel better.

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MD

I was asked a lot of times during college and after graduating if I want to be a doctor and I always said no. Though I dreamt to be a veterinarian when I was young, I honestly never considered becoming a doctor before because of the cost, years spent studying and I think I'm not smart or capable enough to be one. And yet here I am now, few days away from finishing my enrollment for school of medicine.

Actually it doesn't still feel all real to me, this big leap that I did that will entirely change the course of my life ahead...these huge changes coming all at once...the weight of all these. Sometimes I even ask what the hell did I got myself into. But one thing I'm sure, I know that I have to do this and if I don't, it will haunt me for the rest of my life.

I'm not sure how to put it but here are the reasons why I decided to pursue medicine...and it's nothing grand as others like childhood dream etc...

I want to keep on studying, believe it or not haha (I hope I will not take this back after my first year in medschool). It's just that I think it's one of the very few things that I like and I feel that I'm good at somehow. I want to keep on learning.. to never stop learning. And clearly, I wasn’t able to find that when I worked in the office.

Quick background, I'm a graduate of BS Psychology, a Registered Psychometrician and I worked in the Human Resources for almost 2 years...and I hated it. I'm not against HR and I'm not trying to degrade that profession or anything. It's just that I knew from the start that I'm not really for it, but still I wanted to try it to see if there's a chance that I might like it. 

Working in HR made me realize that you will not be successful on something unless you put your heart on it or you are doing something you really want. Yes you may excel on it but you'll not be able to find complete satisfaction from it. I just can't see myself working in that field 5 years or 10 years from now...and I want to do something more meaningful for me.

BTW, I actually got two weird dreams. One, to have my own zoo where animals are really taken care well or to have a big animal shelter. Second, to be able to do something significant and meaningful that will help other people.

My first job was as HR Assistant at an Ambulatory Surgical Center/Multi-specialty Clinic and looking for doctors was one of my tasks. I guess that and being exposed in the medical setting somehow influenced me. As well as those kdramas with cool female doctors that I watched hahaha kidding. And I guess that thing about the board exam boosted somehow my self-confidence on what I'm capable of.

So I decided that I will pursue medicine if I pass the National Medical Admission Test (NMAT) with decent score. I took NMAT secretly. I resigned from my work and studied for 2 months while looking for a new job. I haven't told my parents that I'm interested in studying medicine, not until after the result of the exam came out haha. It was really hard especially Chemistry and Physics and I thought I won't even be able to get 50th percentile. Surprisingly, I got 80th percentile. Thanks to the social science part haha.

I still tried to bargain with myself. I said I will only pursue medicine if I got into Pamantasan ng Lungsod ng Maynila (PLM) because they're one of the top schools and got cheaper tuition. The interview went well but I messed up with the MCAT. The exam took more or less 30 minutes for 150+ items and I got one instruction wrong that it took up most of my time. What's worst is that the easy part was on the last portion which I wasn't able to finish. It was annoying. Not to mention, I set a lot of alarm the night before so I will not be late for the exam and guess what, my alarm kept on going during the exam and it took long for me to realize that it was mine hahaha. So there, I lost all the hope that I will be able to get into PLM.

But since I want it badly like there seems to be no other option for me, I decided to try for Saint Louis University in Baguio because it's also one of the top schools and their tuition fee is still cheaper compared to most of the schools in manila and of course because I really love that place hehe. I had to take a lot of VLs from work to process my requirements and application at SLU. I almost didn't made it. During the last day of application, I had to go first from my old school in Manila to get the requirements before I proceed to Baguio but my professor who was supposed to give me the recommendation letter had an emergency. Thankfully we were able to work it out. I was able to complete the requirements, passed the interview and I got in at SLU.

The result of PLM came very late and I'm not really confident on how I did with the MCAT so I decided to go for SLU. But I was really surprised when I found that I was included on the second list of passers in PLM though I still can't proceed at PLM because I lack some microbio units in our curriculum that is one of their requirements.

But here I am now and I'm really nervous about it haha. Will be back at Baguio on July 31 for enrollment and school starts on August 7. THIS IS IT!

So that’s it for  my first journey to med school :)

[bopbopbeepbop]

Day Forty Eight.

“You see, I've only got two weeks to do all the things I've been doing for the past few months because after this, I won't be able to play games, write stories, or talk to people online anymore. So I'm trying to squeeze as many things as I could in these two weeks.”

Today we found this from the old files of my sister which seemed to be a blog entry which might be written few weeks before she died. It was mostly about jdrama and anime reviews and a lot of facts that most people don’t know about her. And there’s that...

Two weeks. Darn. I can't even put to words what I'm feeling after reading over and over those lines. Before, I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that. No one explained to us what really happened. But it all clearly point to that.  

What if we found this that time or someone did, and helped her... maybe she'd still be here. I want to understand badly why she had to do it. I really want to find that blog but I don't even have any idea how to. If anyone knows how to or if it's even possible to find that blog way back 2009, without even knowing what name she used or anything, and all we have is this blog entry..please let me know.

Almost 8 years have passed and it still feels like a big puzzle that I'm trying to solve..and this is just one of the missing pieces...but there's sooo much more left to fill..which we might never be able to find at all. It sucks.

[bopbopbeepbop]

Ever felt like you really want something badly..eagerly waiting for it.. looking for it...but you don't know exactly what it is. Been like that for the past weeks.