ok ok enough people have said to me that they aren’t “good at giving gifts” lately so i will tell you my wisdom. it’s a two step process, and two pieces of advice.
Process:
Step 1: Perk your ears up for the phrases “I love” “I want” “I’m thinking of getting” “i wish i had” and “I need”. Write the things down if you’re worried about forgetting. Knowing the specific brand or model they like takes the guesswork out of it. Pay particular attention to little, very specific things - favorite style and brand of pens, favorite chapstick, favorite hot sauce. things that people regularly need to replace make safe, appreciated gifts.
Step 2: Know thyself (and your relationship with this person). How confident are you that you know what they like, and how sure are you that this is something they’d be happy to receive from someone else, versus picking it out themself? If the answer to this step is “i worry they would rather pick it out themself/i don’t understand their criteria well enough to make a good guess” go back to step 1 and pick a different thing!
Advice the first: if you don’t know someone well, or aren’t feeling confident, little inexpensive things for no particular occasion are a good thing to do to make people feel seen, rather than going all-in for something expensive on an important date. the little stuff is lower stakes, and as you take in someone’s reaction to those things, you’ll hone your sense of what they like, or at least understand step 2 a little better.
Advice the second: although it can be nice to say “oh i wish i had [thing]!” and receive it the next day, you’ll often get more emotional bang for your buck if you wait a few weeks or months.
example 1: once i apparently told my ex that i wanted binoculars to get into birdwatching. six months later for my birthday they gave me a pair of binoculars recommended by people in birdwatching forums. i was shocked, because i completely forgot i ever said anything about it. my ex knew me well enough to recognize when i was giving voice something i truly deeply desire (versus a momentary whim), and they knew me well enough to know that if i had been researching binoculars and had Opinions about which ones i wanted, they would have heard about it. they knew me well enough to know that if i didn’t have formulated Opinions, then it wouldn’t be important to me to buy it for myself. it is the most emotionally impactful gift i think i have ever received, and just because my ex heard me say “i want birdwatching binoculars” and followed through on it.
example 2: one day i came home from work and a housemate of mine had gotten me a package of timtam cookies. “i love timtams! they make me think of a place i used to live!” “i know, you told me, so when i saw them, i thought of you and just got them.” <3 <3 <3 (this was years ago, and now when i see timtams, this gift and giver are what i think of)
Final thoughts:
1: Small, surprise things don’t have the weight of expectation that can happen at birthdays and gift-giving occasions, and i’ve often noticed people will mention them more to me in the following weeks than gifts given for occasions. This lovely thing! For no reason! To lil ole me! People are relaxed, it’s a surprise, there isn’t a lot of pressure to respond in a particular way, so I think if they adore it, they’re in a state to receive it where it can really punch the heart. And make it a small thing, so it isn’t a big deal to either of you if it isn’t the perfect thing.
1.5: People forget they said things, and they expect you to forget as well. So even if it’s just getting someone their favorite type of cookie, if you wait until they’ve forgotten they told you, they’ll be like “oh i love timtams!” and you can say “i know, you told me, so when i saw them i thought of you.” and they will be, internally, going “!!!!! THIS PERSON REMEMBERS RANDOM SHIT THAT I SAY ABOUT WHAT I LIKE” which sets off the big affection alarms. like absolute awooga red alert perhaps-this-person-is-not-reluctantly-tolerating-my-presence alarms. which is a pretty cool thing to be able to set off with a package of grocery store cookies.
2: Reciprocity is more complex than “you got me something so now i have to get you a similar thing.” Don’t rush to get someone something because they got you something, especially if it was a little gift out of nowhere. Allow yourself to receive freely, and practice giving freely without expectations of receiving in kind.
3. If you’re “bad at giving gifts,” that can be really rough. there are lots of social expectations around giving presents, and you have to navigate that. but please know that there are lots of ways to be a loving, valued presence in people’s lives without giving gifts, and there are a ton of people out there who know how to appreciate, or even prefer those other forms of love and affection. much as i love gifts and can be disappointed not to get them on my birthday, i wouldn’t trade in other forms of affection for presents, no way.
