STARTING OVER

Disabled vet doing my best with what I've got. Full-time grad student, part-time yogi and stationary bike fiend. (formerly ruleone-cardio)

[gracefulyou]

[harmony-is-happiness]

[bowed-yet-unbroken]

Another thing that’s changed since I got out of the military is that I’m finally realizing just how unhealthy some of my fitness behaviors were. I was so worried about making weight that I didn’t pay attention to what the obsessive calorie-counting and weigh-ins were doing to my mind. It’s hard enough coming to terms with a body that doesn’t want to cooperate with me due to chronic pain and arthritis and all of that other junk - but when I look in the mirror, I don’t see a survivor. All I see is something that needs to be fixed. That’s such a shitty feeling, y’know?

The first thing that I do when I wake up every morning is a physical self-inventory of sorts. I make note of what hurts and if it’s new pain or more of the same, and I do a quick check on my mental state. While I know in the back of my mind that some of this pain will lessen if/when I lose weight and get in shape, I don’t want to risk falling back into the neuroses that I’d developed before.

The point of all of this rambling is that the work that I have to do is more in my mind than in my body. My body could use the help, sure. I’m on two different blood pressure meds in my mid-thirties and there’s a bunch of other stuff that wouldn’t hurt me to change. That said, I need to develop newer, healthier brain patterns so that my body won’t suffer as much. It’s a brain workout as much as it is a body workout.

[rarestsparkle]

Looking for new friends to follow and support :) 

[lovenotereminders]

It might feel like you’re just surviving right now, but one day you’ll be living, you’ll be thriving, and that day is worth surviving for. 

[majorminxent]

[tobeagenius]

♡♡♡

[bowed-yet-unbroken]

One of the hardest things for me to come to grips with is that I will never be in the same shape that I was when I left the military. My body is pretty much a wreck and my doctors are finding new things going on with it almost every single day... so self-compassion has been a big part of my non-physical work. My therapist reminded me that even though this is easier said than internalized, to remember that we change from day to day. Therefore, we are not the same people that we were yesterday, or even six hours before.

Running outdoors is pretty much out of the question right now. I don’t trust my neighborhood, and the sidewalks are bad enough that it’s pretty much a given that I’ll injure myself. So I’ve been working on my exercise bike at a brisk pace but a low resistance... I’m having to fight off the brain gremlins telling me that I’m not making any progress, though. Twenty minutes at a brisk pace is still better than nothing.

Other positive notes: I’m working on slowly unfcking my habitat, which means that I actually have space in my living room to do yoga and maybe some boxing without worrying about smacking into anything. I just have to tell myself to keep with it.

[wildsunshine]

[positivelypositivequotes]

[arabwife]

Stop apologizing for wanting more. When you grow, people in your life have to step up or step out

[cwote]

[bisapositivity]

you and your body need nutrients. please make sure you are eating enough food and drinking enough water and getting enough sleep, you matter so much and i don’t want anything to happen to you

[bowed-yet-unbroken]

So it’s been a minute since I’ve been on here...

A lot of things have happened. I made it through survival school. I was discharged from the military for being “out of shape,” even though I’d made it through survival school and swim training and was working out regularly. I messed up something in my hip running in the Marine Corps 10K shortly after I found out I was being discharged.

I spent a lot of time hating my body, even though none of this was my fault. I’d done everything that I could and nothing could save the career I’d spent 12 years building. So what’ve I been doing for the past four years? I went back to school and finished my BA. I’m working on my MA now, almost halfway done, and I’ve discovered that I really love teaching - enough that I want to go for my PhD once I’m done with this step of grad school.

I’m also about 40lbs heavier than I used to be, and my body’s in pretty bad shape in terms of arthritis. But I need to work on being in some kind of better shape because my blood pressure is through the roof and my joint pain gets so bad at times that I can’t walk. So I’m getting back to my workouts, but instead of being so brutal to myself like I was before, I’m going to be gentler and ease myself back into it. That’s the only way I can really get used to where I am now physically.

So yeah. Welcome back to me, I guess!

[b-itch-y-deactivated20231113]

Another woman’s beauty is not the absence of your own

[ms-demeanor]

I made a comic about what it feels like (to me) to cope with having an invisible illness and the judgements and accusations that sometimes come with invisible illnesses.

I did it in green ‘cause that’s the color of the Celiac Awareness ribbon Celiac is one of the “imaginary” “all in your head” “stupid” “hypochondriac” invisible illnesses I live with.

So here. Be nice to people in general, because it’s the right thing to do, but if you can’t at least do that then please don’t be an asshole when someone tells you that they have Lupus or Celiac or Fibromyalgia or any of the other things that we live with every day that you can’t see on the surface.

Cheers.

[bowed-yet-unbroken]

I just took a huge leap of faith and submitted my resume and what I hope is a strong cover letter for what might be my first post-military job. It's a complete 180 from what I've been doing for the past twelve years, but it'll be a good chance to give back to my hometown and do something that I love. Here's hoping and praying that my years of creative writing and photography practice on the side will pay off.