LET ME WATCH TV 4 U

Life is hard so LET ME WATCH TV 4 U? Also: photobooths make great portrait studios.

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E7

Welcome back to Let me watch TV 4 U? The blog where I watch TV for YOU! Last night was the season 7 finale of Game of Thrones. What happened? LET’S FIND OUT! Spoilers ahead you’ve been warned. You’ve also been warned that you are about to be #SHOOKETH. 

Again, I was fully #shook the entire second half of this ep. But the first half was less shocking, so let’s get that out of the way first, shall we?

We open on Greyworm and the rest of the Unsullied army…

And they are in #formation on the lawn of King’s Landing. Jaime and Bronn watch from a tower and discuss dicks and basically conclude that dicks make the world go ‘round which is A. GARBAGE and B. WELCOME TO THE SEASON OF THE KWEENS. Also Bronn oversees the Lannister army’s production of “pitch” which I’m assuming is like tar (I know this from Into the Woods, thanks Sondheim!). What is this pitch for? IDK it’s never mentioned again! During their dick-discussion, the Dothraki forces ride up on their horses through the Unsullied formation and J and B are, frankly, spooked.

While the Unsullied and Dothraki approach by land, the big wigs ride in by sea. We’ve got Tyrion, Previously-Traumatized-Theon (PTT), Sleevey, Bae, No-Knuckles (NK), Stoney, and Missi on deck. Down below, the Hound checks to make sure the ice zombie they obtained last week is still zombie-ing. As they approach, Theon’s Uncle Crazy-Pants (UCP) has his whole fleet of ships guarding King’s Landing. We check in quickly with Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) who is reminding her zombie-bodyguard, The Mountain, to kill everyone please.

As we approach the GoT-Model-UN, Bronn strolls up with Ladyknight and her squire, Pod on one side and are met by Tyrion and the rest of #TeamKhaleesi at a fork in the road. Pod and Tyrion and Bronn all used to be besties, so it’s kind of weird for them to be meeting like this, but OH WELL we’ve got ice zombies to discuss! The Hound and Ladyknight reunite which is cute because last time they met she left him for dead. They both chat about how they are proud that their little Arya has grown up to be a skilled assassin.

They approach the Courtyard by Marriott presents, the DRAGONPIT space that QPC has rented for their Model-UN conference, which is actually a giant pit where the Targaryens used to keep their dragons. It looks like one of those stadiums that was shoddily-built for the Olympics 25 years ago but has not been touched since. #TeamKhaleesi and #TeamBae all take their seats and then QPC and co. roll up with Uncle Crazy Pants. We get a reminder that the Mountain and the Hound (who are brothers) do NOT like each other. QPC is like, umm… Where’s Khaleesi? And then in the least surprising entrance ever Khaleesi flies in on Dragon #1 with Dragon #2 in tow and is like, what? Am I late?

Uncle Crazy Pants has to remind us all that he’s crazy and rather than let the grown-ups chat, he yells at his nephew PTT and is like, hey, I still have your sister, remember? Tyrion tries to steer the convo back to Model-UN business but then UCP goes on a rant about how he hates dwarves until QPC is finally like shut all the way up, UCP. Tyrion and Bae co-present the case for their country in this model-UN, Khaleesi-ville. There’s a lot of back and forth but T makes a very good point when he says there’s “no conversation that will erase the last 50 years.”

Their presentation concludes with a real-life-3D-representation of the threat to their country, an ice zombie fresh from beyond the wall! The Hound sets him loose and he comes right for QPC’s face. She looks truly horrified while her “Maester” (who is into human experiments and keeping dead people alive unnaturally) is kinda turned on? Bae shows us that the 2 things that can destroy the ice zombie are fire and dragonglass, thus completing his presentation. Good job, Bae, A+ and extra points for visuals!

UCP is not having this and is like, can ice zombies swim? Bae’s like, naw dawg they cannot. So UCP is like k, BAI and peaces out. He and his people live on an island so they’re safe from ice zombies as long as they stay put. Since Khaleesi recently purchased an island-condo, he advises her to do the same. QPC agrees to a truce with #teamKhaleesi on the condition that Bae heads back to Winterfell and not “choose a side” between Khaleesi and QPC. It seems like a good deal but Bae is like sorry I already chose a side I’m #teamKhaleesi til I die (again). QPC is like k, kewl, bai and her whole crew leaves without deciding on their model-UN resolution. Ladyknight appeals to her old pal Jaime to have some common sense but he is too #inlurve with his sister to listen.

Everyone left at the Courtyard by Marriott is like Bae couldn’t you just have told a little lie to QPC? And he’s like naw, not a liar. Can’t do it. Tyrion is like ok well I’ll go talk to my sis, she’ll probs kill me but, it’s been a fun life! Meanwhile, Khaleesi and Bae get a little heart-to-heart where she AGAIN mentions that she can’t have children and he’s like well who said that? And she’s like oh this witch doctor lady who killed my first husband. And Bae is like, she wasn’t even a licensed medical professional, what does she know!?

Tyrion and Jaime have a quick moment of brotherly love before T goes to see QPC. T is like, ok sis, just kill me. Your giant zombie-bodyguard is here just give the order and have me killed. And then she doesn’t kill him. Instead, she declines his glass of wine because she is #drinkingfortwo now, that’s right, she preggers (or at least she claims to be). Somehow, telling Tyrion about her pregnancy leads her to change her mind so she returns to the Courtyard by Marriott to tell the crew that she will have her armies march North to face the “great war” of the ice zombies. Huzzah! Our mission is complete. OR IS IT?

Let’s pop into Winterfell, shall we?

Sansa finds out that Bae #boweddown to Khaleesi via a very informative letter and discusses this with Littlefinger. LF is like well, I guess Bae is a traitor now so maybe you should be in charge? And she’s like hmmm… but my sister is acting weird. And then he tries to tell her that her sis wants to kill her to become the “Lady of Winterfell” and take power. She’s like, well… I guess I better do something about that. A few scenes later, Sansa is busy looking out at the winter-y landscape and tells a guard to have her sister, Arya, brought to the Great Hall.

In the Great Hall, Arya walks into a room filled with judgy-looking dudes in pointy hats and is like, did I miss something? And Sansa is like well… there is a traitor in our midst. And Arya is like, oh really, bitch? We gonna go there? And Sansa is like yep, you’re accused of treason, murder, and conspiring to kill your leader……… LITTLEFINGER!

WHAT? TABLES TURNED BIOTCH YOU ARE DONE LITTLEFINGER.

LF tries to talk his way out of this one but it turns out the sisters have been plotting against him all along and there’s nothing he can say that can combat that. Plus Bran is there and he can see the past so he offers some helpfully incriminating testimony against Littlefinger. LF is down on his knees begging Sansa for his life and she’s like #boibye, do it sis. And Arya cuts his throat! And then he is dead-o as dead as any dead thing that ever died. I truly cheered out loud at this scene. Like, I should have seen it coming but I didn’t. Thank you, GoT, for not only killing off a main character, but one we all wanted to see die anyway! Later, we get a scene where Arya and Sansa fully make up and are friends again, TG!

Back to #teamKhaleesi...

they’re debating travel plans to head North. Stoney is like, Khaleesi you should take the dragon express, but Bae is like no, sail on a boat wit me. And Khaleesi is FEELING BAE so she’s like sorry, Stoney, gotta get that D. Then we have a sweet scene where Bae and PTT resolve their past differences and PTT is like wow you are one good dude, Bae.

Inspired by this convo, PTT heads to the boats to ask the small crew of his sister’s sailor-guys to sail with him to save his sis from UCP. The main sailor dude is like NOPE, you heard UCP, we’re heading to an island! PTT is like NOT TODAY, SATAN, and he starts fighting the main sailor dude. After taking several punches and getting back up again (that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call tub-thumping (thanks Kimmy Schmidt), when you get back down but you get up again), PTT is hit hard in the groin by the main sailor dude but jokes on him cuz PTT is like a Ken-Doll down there! PTT uses this momentum to wipe out sailor dude and after beating him up, rallies the troops to go save his sister! Good job, PTT!

Back in King’s Landing…

Jaime is ordering the Lannister forces to head up North to fight the ice zombies when QPC walks in and is like lol wut? Jaime’s like just doing what we agreed to do at the Model UN conference! QPC is like, oh that’s sweet, you thought I was serious? I’m not gonna make a truce with Khaleesi! I’m gonna move in as soon as her troops head North! And Jaime is like how? We don’t have an army! And she’s like oh remember when UCP said he was going to leave and head back to the Iron Islands- psych!- he’s heading to the other side of the world to bring the “Golden Company” (a huge army of soldiers for hire that QPC bought with all that Tyrell gold) back here.

Jaime is NOT PLEASED because A. he wants them to keep their word and B. he’s like if these ice zombies win we’re all f$%-ed and C. QPC kept him in the dark about all of this. He’s like I know you murdered thousands of innocent people in a church and you’ve been 100% evil for the past 5 seasons, but this is the LAST STRAW. And he goes to leave and she’s nobody walks away from me and her zombie-knight is there. And Jaime is like ok, kill me. Which is cuckoo because this is the second time in this episode where QPC is faced with a brother saying “ok, have your zombie knight kill me then” and each time she doesn’t do it.

So Jaime storms off and it seems like he is finally dunzo with his twin sis/lover and is headed...North? IDK? As he is leaving King’s Landing, though, SNOW STARTS TO FALL whoa #winteriscoming #vintagenedstark #amiright ladies?

Let’s check in on Winterfell again!

Sam arrives with Gilly and bb Sam and comes to see the artist formerly known as Bran Stark aka The 3-eyed Raven. Bran tells Sam he is the 3-eyed Raven now and Sam’s like….k? And Bran is like I need to see Bae to tell him about his parents. Bran is being a real know-it-all which is I guess his gig now and he’s like he’s not Jon Snow, he’s Jon Sand, he was a bastard born in Dorne (Dornish bastards have the last name Sand instead of Snow cuz of the climate) to Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. And Sam is like HOLD THE PHONE I just remembered that Gilly read aloud from this old dude’s diary that Lyanna and Rhaegar were legally married and he got offish divorced from his first wife!

And then Bran goes back in time and watches the marriage and is like yep it happened and meanwhile he’s narrating all of this, Khaleesi and Bae are on a ship headed North when he knocks on her door late at night. She lets him in and then before we even get to witness their first kiss they are #doingit that’s right straight up boning and fully nude. It is very hawt but also we are confirming that she is his aunt at the same time. And Tyrion, meanwhile, watched Bae go into Khaleesi’s room and is feeling some kinda way about it?!?

I’m too verklempt to describe the sensuality of these 2 beautiful people in the nude so let’s cut to our last scene. Gingerbae and Eyepatch are still at Eastwatch when GB spots a bunch of ice zombies walking up to the wall. He’s like oh snap they are very close now we better get our shit together. And then ICE ZOMBIE DRAGON flies up, with the Night King on his back and BURNS DOWN A HUGE SECTION OF THE ICE WALL WITH HIS FIRE/ICE BREATH!?!?!?! GB and Eyepatch seem to be ok but now, we have for the first time ever, a bajillion ice zombies who’ve successfully crossed into the realm of the living and are really, definitely coming for all of us. END OF EPISODE.

Phew thanks so much for reading! Sorry bout my technical difficulties. I’ll see you next season!

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E6

Welcome back to Let Me Watch TV 4 U, the blog where I watch TV for you! Tonight we’re talking bout Game of Thrones season 7 episode 6, “Beyond the Wall” aka Disney Presents The Walking Dead on Ice! Let’s jump right in to this icy abyss, shall we?!

SPOILERS AHEAD!

We open on a curious panning across of a map, and no I’m not talking about the opening credits. It looks like the giant map/table in Dragonstone? 

However we quickly cut to our Eastwatch crew...

...who are marching one by one further and further North. We’ve got Bae, (the artist formerly known as) Stoney, New-Thor (let’s just say Thor, shall we? He’s not so new anymore), Gingerbae, Gingerbun, Eyepatch, the Hound and approx 5 rando nightswatch dudes and/or wildlings who are doomed because no backstory = dead first.

First, we get some ice-breakers (sorry can’t stop won’t stop) when Thor tells us he’s never even seen snow before and I’m like bb boi come here to Chicago I’ll show you some midwestern winters! Thor is also still feeling a little salty toward Eyepatch and Gingerbun for selling him off to the red witch while the Hound keeps score and is like, Thor you didn’t really have it so bad. Gingerbun hands Thor the olive branch in the form of a flask.

Meanwhile, Gingerbae asks Bae about Khaleesi and Bae is all coy but GB sees right through that. Gingerbae helpfully reminds us that he still loves Brienne of Tarth (aka Ladyknight) very much.

Bae and Stoney swing their swords around (not a euphemism) and Bae tries to give his huge fancy sword to Stoney since it belonged to Stoney’s dad. Stoney is like naw, it’s yours man, give it to your KIDS. And we’re supposed to be thinking, whoa! Is Bae on the market for marriage/kids? Cuz sign us all up! Later Eyepatch tells Bae that Bae doesn’t really look like Ned Stark which, duh, cuz we know Bae is Ned’s nephew. But also Bae’s bio-dad was Khaleesi’s bro and apparently had silver-white hair like her so WHERE DID BAE GET HIS LEWKS FROM? Heaven, apparently.

Before we get into the meat, pun intended, let’s pop into Winterfell, shall we?

Sansa and Arya discuss gender roles and Arya tells us a tale of their dad, Ned Stark, sort of tacitly approving of her being a fighter rather than a lady. And then she’s like, speaking of, dad was killed by the Lannisters with YOUR help, Sansa. Arya brings up the letter she found last week that poor bb Sansa was forced to right by QPC and is not happy about it. And Sansa is really caught off guard but also like STEP ALL THE WAY OFF, I have been THROUGH IT. They argue about the past few years and who’s had it the worst but also as Leslie Knope would say, uteruses before duderuses, ya know?

Later, Sansa is talking to Littlefinger, who set up all this nonsense anyway and he’s like well Ladyknight can be your referee since she lurves both of you? But then Sansa sends Ladyknight away to King’s Landing to be her proxy in this upcoming summit with QPC. Towards the end of ep, Sansa decides to do some snooping of her own a la Arya last week and finds Arya’s suitcase full of faces from the face-swapping-assassin-training-academy which Arya dropped out of after a misunderstanding with a professor who wanted her killed. Sansa is like srsly, WTF? And Arya explains the face-swapping thing which sounds crazy the first time you hear it, but so did dragons and we got them now so all’s fair, right? Arya grabs a knife and basically threatens to cut Sansa’s face off but then hands Sansa the knife and scoots outta there. So at the end of the day, no Stark-on-Stark crime this week but stay tuned!

We pop in to see Khaleesi and Tyrion chatting by the fire…

She’s like, you know what I like about you? You’re not brave. And he’s like umm thanks? And then she’s like all of my fave bois are brave but stupid and she includes Bae on that list. And T is like, so you’re taking a liking to him, eh? They discuss strategy and have a little tiff wherein Khaleesi again questions T’s loyalty. And then he’s like btw, you said you can’t have kids so...who gets to be in charge when you die? And she’s like let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, and he’s like it’s called a LIVING WILL for a reason, babe.

Back North of the wall...

Bae and Gingerbae spot a bear but they’re like, that’s weird… he’s got blue eyes-ahhh zombie bear! Zombie bear kills one of the no-name/ no-backstory guys (like we care!?) and maims Gingerbun. Eyepatch smartly cauterizes the wound with his flaming sword while the Hound is too busy having PTSD about fire. Really unfortunate to be afraid of fire in a world without electricity, huh?

Bae and Gingerbae spot a small crew of ice zombies and decide to take one of them prisoner. During the scuffle, Bae kills a leader-ice-zombie and suddenly all of his pals drop dead too. They find out that you kill the leader, the rest die too- good to know! But in capturing their prisoner-zombie, his squeals seem to alert the 5 million other ice zombies to their location and next thing you know, the crew is about to be trapped. Bae smartly tells Thor to run back to the wall and tell Khaleesi the scoop. Poor Thor has to give up his hammer before he leaves so that the rest of the crew has more zombie-smashing tools.

SOMEHOW, I still don’t understand the logistics of it all, but Bae and crew get stuck on this little island surrounded by a frozen lake. The 5 billion zombies surround them but can’t walk further into the lake without falling in. It’s a real pickle. Luckily, Thor does make it back to the wall to tell No-Knuckles to send word to Khaleesi.

Speaking of Khaleesi, that raven flew fast because she already got the scoop. She is DECKED OUT in her cold-weather best and is heading North to save the day with all 3 dragons. Tyrion is like BAD IDEA HUN but she goes anyway. While Khaleesi flies like the actual wind on her #1 dragon, poor Gingerbun has succumbed to his injures or maybe freezes in the night and is no longer with us. So, much like Rose must let go of frozen Jack (but why does she say “I’ll never let go” as she is literally letting go? I’ll never understand the word choice), Eyepatch has to burn Gingerbun’s body before he becomes a zombie too.

Sidenote: Why didn’t everyone bring weapons made of dragonglass or valyrian steel? We know now that only these 2 things plus fire kills the ice zombies and Bae just mined heaps of dragonglass from Khaleesi’s basement for this very purpose. Sometimes I think I should be the King in the North, ya know!?

But back to the battle, the Hound decides to skip stones across the lake like an idiot, which leads the ice zombies to learn that the lake is frozen solid again. Now that the zombies can cross the lake, they attack the crew and they are VICIOUS. Bae and co retreat to another little island but are completely surrounded and basically dead. Bae is tweakin’ out probably thinking about what a bad idea all of this was, when all of the sudden, Khaleesi’s dragons have landed!

They all fly around burning up ice zombies by the hundreds and narrowly missing our crew. After Khaleesi successfully wipes out a good number of zombies, she lands to let her priority boarding pass holders on dragon #1 with her. Meanwhile, Bae is still fighting off some zombies. The #1 in charge ice zombie aka the Night King, throws a giant ice spear at #2 or #3 dragon (honestly idk, let’s say #3) and makes it on the first try. It’s sad that #3 gets speared and all but I’m kinda like wow nice shot. Dragon #3 falls into the icy water and sinks and Khaleesi is weepin’ about it.

At the same time, Bae is now fully overrun by interloping zombies and this FLIGHT IS ABOUT TO DEPART, honey! He falls into an ice-hole and Khaleesi sees the Night King winding up his ice javelin so she has to go. I know what you’re thinking, wow Bae is super dead, right? He fell into a frozen lake whilst being attacked by zombies. WELL YOU ARE WRONG.

Bae crawls outta that ice hole, grabs his fancy sword, and starts walking. Soon enough the zombies see him walking in a non-zombie-like fashion so they are on it. BUT Bae’s uncle Benjen (who is pretty much the only person whose relationship with Bae is unchanged by his whole bio-dad and bio-mom thing!) rolls up on his horse with his incense-swinger! Uncle B saves Bae (remember Uncle B saved Bran last season?) and sticks him on his horse, but stays behind to fight off zombies with his incense-swinger. Bae, who is like 65% Leo-from-Titanic-frozen at this point, heads back to the wall.

The rest of the crew are back at Eastwatch and we learn that the Hound is the one who’ll be bringing the “sample zombie” back to show QPC. Khaleesi is watching from the top of the wall to see if Bae makes it back while Stoney is like, let it go, he’s dead, I’m alive and recently not-Stoney...when suddenly Bae rides back to camp.

On the ship back to Khaleesi-ville, Khaleesi sees Bae on the operating table and notices that he has a stab-scar on his heart. Remember when Bae died and then got brought back to life but then Bae has been super secretive about it? Well the secret's out babe! She watches him being warmed up/revived and sits there watching him sleep for awhile #gottaenjoytheview. When he wakes up (still topless!) he’s like wow I’m so sorry #3 dragon died this was a horrible plan. And she’s like no, I’m glad I saw the army of zombies. I will fight with you, Bae.

And Bae is like wow, also I know I said I wouldn’t kneel to you but honey, I will. Then he calls her Dany and she’s like...eww...my creepy bro used to call me that. And he’s like well then I’ll just call you MY KWEEN. And I’m like yassss gaga. Also they hold hands. Also, she’s like I can’t have kids, ok?!? So just… cards on the table. They hold hands some more and it looks like we might get a little kiss but naw, she’s G2G.

In our last scene, we see thousands of zombies working together (good for you! teamwork!) to pull dragon #3 out of the frozen lake. The Night King walks over and touches him and BAM! ZOMBIE DRAGON. SHIT IS GONNA GET REAL.

Let’s recap:

Biggest surprise this ep: Uncle Benjen? How did you know Bae was in this part of town?

Biggest letdown: I wanted more witty banter from Thor! Also, enough with the will-they won’t-they, GoT. This isn’t Cheers!

Important fashion moments: Khaleesi’s Wintertime Fantasy Realness was GIVING ME LIFE. THAT. COAT. 

Who died this ep? Gingerbun, a lot of ice zombies, Uncle Benjen (although he was kinda already dead?) and dragon #3. RIP Gingerbun I will miss being confused-ly attracted to you.

Thanks for reading! Tell your friends and subscribe!?

[kschmelz]

Hello #HAIM the band. We made you a lil tribute video XO HIM the stans <3

[boystownbirdie]

I have talented friends! 

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E5

Welcome back! In case you’re new, this is “Let me watch TV 4 U,” the blog where I watch TV so you don’t have to. I’ll be recapping Game of Thrones, Season 7 Episode 5 and SPOILERS ABOUND SO PROCEED WITH CAUTION.

Tonight’s episode was titled “Eastwatch” but a more fitting title would have been “Don’t I know you from a few seasons ago?” If you’ve been following GoT for awhile, you might know that “unlikely alliances” is one of George R.R.R.R.R. Martin’s go-to-setups. He really gets off on taking 2 characters who are TOTAL OPPOSITES on paper and watching them learn to get along, just like the premise of all sitcoms. Well all of these unlikely pairs have been meeting, forming bonds, and saying goodbye for the past 7 seasons and NOW we’re apparently at the part where we have to watch them meet back up again. It kind of sounds like a kewl idea but idk about you, it just turns into a mess as a viewer because you have to remember how/when/where everyone met before. It’s like watching a livestream of a very tense high school reunion.

All that being said, some shit went DOWN tonight, so let’s go!

First of all, we get a new location on the map in the beginning, Eastwatch! If you’ll recall this is the place where Gingerbae (my fave wildling and #2 crush after Bae- Jon Snow) went to guard the wall at the behest of Bae a few eps ago.

Our first scene takes place right after last week’s epic dragon battle...

We learn that Jaime and Bronn are both still alive and we have to watch Jaime spit up seawater and I’m like who do you think you are, Euron Greyjoy?!? (lol that joke only works if you watched last season, sorry). Bronn is like dude, do you have a death wish? And Jaime is like kind of… cuz my sis Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) is a “shoot the messenger” type and now I have to tell her about all this dragon business.

Speaking of, we get some more hot-dragon-action (and I meant hot as in temp-wise, not sexual...yet...wait til Bae gets his fingers on a dragon). Tyrion is looking around at all the hell Khaleesi hath wrought and seems pretty sad about it. Remember he is a Lannister, so a lot of people who got burnt up were his home-bois.

He walks over to Khaleesi who has rounded up the surviving Lannisters and is looking FLY  AS HELL post-battle scene. Seriously, who does her hair? Probs a Dothraki cuz #goodatbraids. Khaleesi tells all the captured soldiers to kneel before her and declare loyalty to her or get killed. Sams mean dad (SMD) and Sam’s Bro Dickon (SBD) refuse to kneel because they’re #tooproudtobeg and Khaleesi is like, srsly guys? But they are truly #tooproud, so they both get burned up by the dragon, per Khaleesi’s orders. All of this is very not cool with Tyrion and he makes that pretty clear.

Next, we pop over to King’s Landing where Jaime is about to drop some #truth on QPC…

He tells her things are not looking so hot (or are they looking VERY HOT? Get it? Cuz dragons...sorry I’ll stop now) and that the Dothrakis (Khaleesi’s horse people) and dragons will kill them all. QPC suggests they hire mercenaries but Jaime is not feeling it. Then Jaime drops truth bomb #2 and tells QPC that he recently got the scoop that Grandma Tyrell admitted to killing their son Joffrey. See QPC was CONVINCED that Tyrion killed Joffrey which is what eventually led T to flock to #teamkhaleesi. Jaime is maybe able to convince her of this fact and that they might have to surrender to Khaleesi. She’s basically like well, damned if you do, damned if you don’t, ya know? The theme of this scene is TROUBLE IN PARADISE.

Now to the Bae-on-dragon action I promised…

Bae is waiting at the arrivals gate for Khaleesi and #1 dragon like a sad little chauffeur when Mr. Dragon lands right on his toes. Rather than giving Mr. Dragon a wide berth, he walks right up to him and TOUCHES HIS NOSE like he’s friggin’ Moana (Moana fans where you at?) Mr. D is like about to bite at first but then he’s like, naw, you’re cool. Probably because Bae is secretly a Targaryen and they’re all about dragons. Bae asks Khaleesi about her business trip and she’s like I TCOB’ed if that’s what you mean and says “sometimes strength is terrible” but that as leaders, they have to be strong.

Khaleesi then starts to ask Bae about the knife-in-the-heart comment that No-Knuckles (NK) made a few weeks ago and before Bae has to uncomfortably describe his weird Lazarus-situation to her, Stoney shows up, fresh off being cured of his stone disease by none other than Bae’s bestie Sam. The artist formerly known as Stoney (but let’s just keep calling him Stoney for now) is like will you still have me, Khaleesi? And she’s like DOI, OF COORS. And Bae is like oh I knew your dad he was a kewl dude he gave me this sword.

We get a brief interlude with everyone’s fave sooth-sayer, Brandon Stark! He hops into the eyeballs of some birds who fly North to get an update on the ice-zombie-army. As we all suspected, the ice zombies are CLOSER THAN EVER and headed to Eastwatch. This should not be a surprise because every time we check on them they’re just walking further South and unlike humans do not need to stop to eat or pee or get their hair intricately braided.

We pop into Oldtown, where Sam hears about Bran’s report. He tells all the other Maesters that they should listen to him but they, as always, are like naw this shit can’t be real. Also Maester-Jim-Broadbent is like BTW, Sam’s dad and bro just got burnt up but don’t say anything to him.

Back to Dragonstone…

Where  Tyrion and sleevey recap sam's dad and bro getting killed and agree that it was not cool, bro. Sleevey helpfully recalls a time when Khaleesi’s dad was always burning people alive. Sleevey reveals that Bae got a letter in the mail and yes, he did read it which is a FEDERAL OFFENSE, SLEEVEY! You can’t afford to go to prison!

Bae gets his hands on the letter from his bro Bran and learns A LOT. A. Bran is alive. B. Arya is alive. And C. The Night-King (leader of the ice zombies) is coming to Eastwatch. Again, this should be a surprise to no one. He talks things through with Khaleesi and co. to devise a plan and everyone has something to contribute, you guys! Here’s the plan

Tyrion will talk to his bro to try to convince him that ice zombies are real, who will then convince QPC.

NK will use his smugglin’ skills to smuggle T into King’s Landing (at this point it should really be Queen’s landing, right?)

Bae will head up north and capture an ice zombie to bring to everyone for proof. Stoney will use his battling skills to help with this.

Khaleesi is not about to let Bae go, though, probs cuz she wants more hot cave-action. But Bae is like sorry G2G!

Back in Winterfell and trouble is afoot!

Sansa is sitting at her in-charge-table and all the “Northern Lords” (although everyone’s fave 11-year-old-kween is nowhere to be seen) are still griping about Bae being down South with Khaleesi. Sansa doesn’t accept their offer to basically put her in charge, but she doesn’t defend Bae too much either. Arya, who was always besties with Bae when they were all kiddos, is not ok with that. She calls her out on it and notices that Sansa is staying in their mom and dad’s old room. She’s like ummm… you always liked nice things. Which is such a classic Winterfell-burn.

They chat and learn that they have very different views on uniting people and consolidating power. Arya is little more murder-y but Sansa is a little more scheme-y. Which better? IDK I haven’t read “The Art of War.” Basically, Arya knows that Sansa is still a bit power-hungry and calls her out on it. But I did read “Lean In” and I’m like, is that so bad?

Later, we pop back into King’s Landing where Arya is tailing Littlefinger cuz #shedontlikethelooksofthisguy, He’s being shady, as always, handing out poision, scheming with the Northern Lords, and then she sees the Maester give LF a piece of paper and she’s like oooohh I gotta get my hands on that. LF hides the paper in his room but, bitch, didn’t you know Arya is a trained assassin from the face-swapping-cult now?

She finds the paper which looks like this letter that Sansa wrote back in Season 1 when she was being forced by QPC. It’s basically her asking #teamStark to swear loyalty to Joffrey, all of which is irrelevant because most of Team Stark, along with Joffrey, is dead. Then we see LF behind the scenes looking all satisfied. Why you may ask? Well it seems like LF is trying to drive a wedge between the sisters by making Arya distrust Sansa even more. IDK I don’t condone violence but I really just want someone to stab LF.

Back to team Khaleesi, Tyrion and NK roll up on Queen’s Landing…

Tyrion reminds us all that the last time he was here, he killed his dad. NK is like well the last time I was here, you killed my son! You’d think there would be some sort of resolution with that but nope, NK was just throwing it out there! Tyrion heads off to see his bro and NK heads off on a secret mission that IS VERY CUTE, just wait and see.

Bronn sets up a meeting between Tyrion and Jaime, who haven’t seen each other since Jaime saved Tyrion from getting killed (per QPC and their dad’s orders). T proceeded to shoot their dad to death on the toilet, so Jaime is understandably a little peeved. Tyrion explains why he came and asks if Jaime could ask QPC if she might possibly be into checking out an ice zombie if they can get one. Jaime is still peeved but considers this helpful offer.

Meanwhile, we get a reunion of 2 of our faves, NK and Gendry!!!! So non-GoT-watchers, Gendry is this dude who is secretly the son of Robert Baratheon, QPC’s ex-hubby and the former king. Only a few ppl knew this, and to protect him from QPC, he got sent North to the wall with Arya. He and Arya developed a cute lil’ friendship and then he met up with some Lord-of-Light (LOL) worshippers, the same ones who the Hound (remember from ep 1 of this season) is now traveling with. Then the red witch lady came and took him to Stannis to have leeches eat his blood but before the red witch could kill him, NK set him free and sent him on a rowboat back to King’s Landing. So here we are…

They reunite and it’s adorbs, since Gendry is like thanks for saving my life, you were right I ended up being safe here. And NK is like oh good, so I have a favor to ask, will you come with us? It’s for- and before he can finish Gendry is like NP my bags are packed let’s go. And NK is like do you want more info...or… and Gendry is like nope this place is the pits, let’s go, lemme get my hammer. And I AM FEELING THIS HAMMER y’all, Gendry is basically Thor of GoT now. And he shall henceforth be known as New-Thor.

NK and New-Thor head to the boat to leave Queen’s Landing and encounter some guards who aren’t gonna let them off that easy. Just when they bribe their way out of there, Tyrion shows up and the guards are like...you look familiar? So New-Thor kindly uses his hammer and demolishes those dudes, leaving T and NK both stunned and impressed.

While we’re still at Queen’s Landing, we see Jaime knocking on QPC’s door, but she’s busy with Maester Qyburn, having some deep discussion. We also learn Qyburn is the hand-of-the-queen (did we know this before? It was news to me). Jaime is like what we’re y’all talking about, and QPC is like I’m sorry, HIPAA, I can’t tell you. Then she tells him that she knows he met with Tyrion and that he should punish Bronn for setting that up. She also hints that she’s willing to do a collab with Khaleesi but then she’s like “we will defeat whatever stands in our way” which doesn’t sound very collab-y to me.

Then, in a major reversal, SHE DROPS A TRUTH BOMB ON HIM and tells him she’s PREGNANT and the baby is HIS. He is shook but also very happy because he loves her a lot. He’s like who you gonna say knocked you up? And she’s like it’s 2017, bitch, I’ll say it was my twin bro cuz #hatersgonnahate. Do we believe she is really preggo? I do not. Classic desperation move when you see your man starting to slip away. But nonetheless he is happy about it so there’s that.

Next, we head back to Dragonstone...

Where Bae meets New-Thor in Bae’s fave place, a cave! They reminisce about how their dads were friends and New-Thor calls out Bae on being a little shorty-pie. We think Bae is gonna be like “ah hell naw” but instead he’s like LOL you’re right bro. New-Thor offers to head North with Bae to kill some ice-zombies with his hammer. NK is a little peeved because he told New-Thor not to tell anyone who his dad was and not to get himself into trouble. NK’s like well don’t mind me, I only lived to be an old man so what do I know about surviving? It’s a very cute scene and it all plays out like a dad playfully chastising his sons for picking a college that’s too far away.

On the shore we get some goodbyes. Tyrion and Khaleesi both say goodbye to Stoney and Khaleesi is especially sappy about it. Then she says goodbye to Bae, who is busy loading up his boats with zombie-killing-rocks from the caves. She’s like, so…I’ll call you next week? And Bae’s like umm….maybe? But you know they’re both fighting the urge to pop into a cave for a quick makeout sesh.

Next, we see Sam and Gilly in Oldtown reading books…

Gilly happens upon the MOST IMPORTANT INFO EVER in a book, which Sam, in a very-un-Sam-like way, completely ignores. It’s infuriating. Basically she finds out that Bae’s real parents, Rhaegar Targaryen (Khaleesi’s bro) and Lyanna Stark (Daddy Stark’s sis) were legit married when she had Bae, which means he is the ONE-TRUE-HEIR to the iron throne or whatevs. Sam, however, is too peeved about the Maesters not listening to him (or Bran for that matter) and gathers up some of the best books in the library (and he is in for the late fee OF A CENTURY cuz you know he won’t return ‘em) and heads out of there.  It’s a frustrating scene. I just..can’t...

Finally, we make it to Eastwatch...

Where we get to check in with Gingerbae my #2 boo. Bae tells him the plan to trap the ice zombie and bring it back as proof and Gingerbae is like you are cuckoo. NK is there to confirm that yes, Bae is cuckoo, and no, he’s not going North with them. But on the docket we do have New-Thor with his hammer and Stoney with his un-stoned-hands and arms to help! Gingerbae is like well I know some other dudes who want to get up there...cut to…

The Hound and his LOL-ers Eyepatch and Gingerbun (am I the only one who finds Gingerbun kind of attractive?) are in Eastwatch-prison, doing a very poor version of Cellblock Tango from Chicago, the musical. This is the scene where the whole-don’t-I-know-you-from-somewhere gets really messy. No need to dive into all of it, the point is, these people have HISTORY with eachother. But Bae reminds them that since they’re all humans and not zombies, they’re on the same side. So they head out into the deep, cold, winter to trap and ice zombie. And we’re left there.

Let’s recap:

Biggest surprise this ep: QPC IS PREGNANT?!?!?!

Biggest letdown: Seriously Sam. You could not listen to the most important news ever because you were distracted?

Important fashion moments: Khaleesi lookin’ so fly fresh out of battle, Sansa is really rocking those fitted armor gowns

Who died this ep? Sam’s Bro Dickon (RIP) and Sam’s Mean Dad 

Thanks for reading! Tell your friends and subscribe!? 

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E4

Welcome back to let me watch TV 4 u! I watch TV so you don’t have to!

Today let’s explore Game of Thrones Season 7 Episode 4 titled: The Spoils of War. Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure that’s the name of a Clint Eastwood flick, no?

Today’s recap will be a quick one (due to my own time constraints, not for lack of DRAMA) so let’s go! 

First, we watch Jaime and Bronn marching away from Highgarden, fresh off of poisoning Gma Tyrell…

Bronn is like, why the long face bro? We know that Jaime is having #emotions about Gma Tyrell’s confession that she poisoned Joffrey. Jaime is like I CANT SAY. And he gives Bronn some cash money for his services. We get a shot of the giant truck of money which is important to the later scenes. Then Jaime tells Bronn and Sam’s Dad and Sam’s bro (lol his name is Dickon which is ironic because he is not really a dick but his dad sure is) to go collect the harvest from the local peeps.

Next, we stop in to see QPC talking to her banker friend in King’s Landing…

She mentions said truck o’ money and is like ITS COMING, DUDE. CHILL. And he’s like let’s discuss stocks and bonds. And then they have a discussion about investing. It’s kind of boring.

Next, we see Littlefinger giving Bran a knife…

Which is the knife that was used  to try to kill Bran waaaaaayyyy back in season 1. If you’ll recall in season 1 ep 1, Baby Bran saw Jaime and QPC boning and Jaime pushed him out of a tower causing him to be concussed and paraplegic but also gain some of his vision-abilities. While he was still concussed, QPC (we assume) sent someone to kill Bran to ensure he never told their secret. So Littlefinger (LF) gives Bran this knife and is like, let me know if I can be of any assistance. Then Bran quotes some OG LF (“Chaos isn’t a pit. It’s a ladder”) and LF is clearly freaked because this means Bran could also know about his betrayal of Ned Stark in season 1.

Meera comes in to check out Bran’s new wheelchair and to tell him she’s heading back home. Bran is like kewl bai. And she’s like srsly? I risked my life for your and my bro died for you. And he’s like I’m not Bran anymore, I’m the 3 eyed raven. I no longer have feelings.

Speaking of no feelings, we see our old pal Arya roll up at Winterfell and we feel ALL THE FEELS. She’s stopped at the gate by 2 very salty doormen who are like naw bitch, private club, members only. And she’s like I AM AN OG MEMBER OF THIS CLUB. After some cajoling, they let her in and she sits in Winterfell for the first time since she left back in Season 1 and then disappears. Was anyone else worried that she’d left? I was. But fear not.

The doormen go to Sansa and they’re like umm some bitch who says she’s your sis is here but now she’s gone? And Sansa’s like, I know where she went, TO THE CRYPTS! So Sansa goes downstairs and finds her sis and they reunite and hug and it’s adorable. It’s esp adorable since we know that IRL these actresses are besties but they haven’t had a scene together since S1, so to see their chemistry as real life friends play out is so sweet. Arya tells Sansa she’s just been bopping around killing people and Sansa is like LOL WUT? And Arya is like hahahaha jk. Did anyone else shed a single tear when A and S were discussing their past traumas and A says “Well, our stories aren’t over yet” ?!?!?! Cuz I shore did.  

Then they go to see Bran who is still being real creepy and #nofeelings. Sansa tries to warn Arya that Bran is a real bummer now, so Arya’s like hi bro, I haven’t seen you in a million years. And he’s like yes you were heading to King’s Landing to kill Cersei but changed your mind. And she’s like ummm, k? And Sansa helpfully tells her that Bran has “visions” now. But then Bran basically spills the beans that Arya was not JK-ing about being a trained assassin now. And Sansa is a little creeped. Then Bran gives Arya that same knife he got from LF cuz he’s like...  you know how to use it better than me.

Ladyknight sees Arya, Sansa, and Bran walking through Winterfell together and Pod, her squire (which is basically like an apprentice?) is like YOU DID IT YOU GOT BOTH GIRLS HOME SAFE. And Ladyknight is like naw it wasn’t me, but Pod is like take some credit, hun. And she’s like K thanks. Later, we watch Ladyknight and Pod sparring. Arya meets Ladyknight again and is like can I train with you? And they have a cute lil’ sparring scene in which Arya shows off her skills gathered over the past 7 seasons and Ladyknight is like WOWZA! Meanwhile, Sansa is watching and she seems kinda jelly? Or maybe she’s just nervous about her sis being an assassin? Sansa is watching this all with LF, and as they leave we’re reminded that Arya doesn’t like the looks of this guy.

Next, we stop in on Dragonstone, where things get HOT AND HEAVY

Khaleesi is heading to meet Bae and chatting with her hottie translator, Missandei (Missi) about Greyworm. Missi SPILLS THE TEA and is like we did EVERYTHING BUT. And is like it was goooooood. And Khaleesi is visibly shook but in the best way. They meet up with Bae who’s like lemme show you some caves. The last time Bae went into a cave with a beautiful lady, he lost his v-card so this has got us thinking. Khaleesi is like I’m not scared of Bae I’ll go alone. Bae shows her that he’s got enuf rocks for his rock collection (aka project to save everyone from the ice zombie army), but he’s like, there’s something else you should see. He shows her these cave paintings from children of the forest (CoF) who we basically like neanderthals in GoT-world. He’s like look, the CoF’s drew pics of them working TOGETHER with humans to defeat the ice zombies.

While he’s giving the tour, he touches her hand to guide her flashlight. AND IT IS SO HAWT I nearly exploded. He’s like, we must all work together to fight the ice zombies, and she says, “I will fight for you, I will  fight for the North.” But first you gotta #bowdownbitches. And he’s like ummmmmm can’t? And she’s like please, let’s work together. And they truly almost makeout right then and there it’s so hot.

When they emerge from their cave of sexual tension, Tyrion is there to tell her about recent battles. As you’ll recall from last week, things did not go as planned with taking over Casterly Rock, since Jaime diverted the army South to take Highgarden. Khaleesi is like I’m starting to wonder if you aren’t actually loyal to your bro and sis, Tyrion. Then she asks bae what to do. He’s like well just don’t use dragons to kill innocent people that’s what the bad guys do.

Next, no-knuckles (NK) and Bae have a discussion about Khaleesi. NK is like, she’s fly, no? And Bae is like “she has a good heart” and NK is like, boi you been checkin’ out more than her heart. They see good ole Missi who asks ‘bout Bae’s name “Jon Snow” and he has to explain it’s because he’s a bastard. They ask her about why she loves Khaleesi so much and she says it’s cuz they chose her as their leader and also knows she could leave if she wanted.

Next up, Previously-traumatized-Theon washes ashore. Bae is pissed at him because he betrayed his bro Robb Stark many seasons ago and killed some people in Winterfell, but Bae says he won’t kill PTT because he helped Sansa escape. PTT explains that he needs Khaleesi’s help to get sis back from their Uncle-Crazy-Pants, but Bae is like, umm…. Khaleesi is gone…

Which leads us to the last scene…

Bronn and Jaime are checking out the people farming that they discussed before. Bronn and Sam’s dad and bro confirm that they were able to collect grains/harvest etc… and Sam’s mean dad mentions that the gold is safely in King’s Landing. Sam’s mean dad (SMD) is like here’s a good idea to get things moving along, let’s flog the stragglers but Jaime is like ummm…..naw. Once SMD rides off, Jaime asks Sam’s Bro Dickon (SBD) how he feels about battles and SBD turns out to be a real sweetie pie just like his bro. He’s like I don’t love to kill people but I will if I have to.

All of the sudden, Jaime and co hear a rumbling far off. The skies are kind of gray and they’re on the wrong side of a hill so they can’t really tell what’s coming, but they #getinformation #beyonce and prep for battle. Then, a BILLION DOTHRAKI (the horse ppl who love Khaleesi) roll up on their horses, raring to fight. Jaime looks, frankly, spooked. His army is like ummm…wtf. AND THEN KHALEESI FLYS OVER ON A DRAGON OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!

Before the Dothraki ride their horses straight into the Lannister army, Khaleesi is like breathe fire, babe, and her dragon scorches a bunch of the Lannister fleet. Then the fighting really starts. It’s a lot of Dothraki really giving it to the straight-laced Lannister army who’ve never seen people fight like this before. And then a lot of Khaleesi telling her dragon to breathe fire and wiping out her enemy. IT IS BADASS and also Jaime looks positively terrified.

At one point, Jaime is saved by SBD during battle scene. Jaime tells Bronn to get the giant dragon-shooter-machine and Bronn is like no way, you do it. And Jaime’s like I GOT ONE HAND BRO, CAN’T (it’s very but-you-ain’t-got-no-legs-lieutenant-dan). It seems like Bronn is gonna just bounce, esp since he loses his gold, but instead he heads to the dragon shooter and gets it locked and loaded.

Meanwhile, Tyrion is watching this mayhem and he seems kinda sad. A Dothraki dude is like wow, your people are bad at fighting and Tyrion sees his Bro Jaime out there and seems remorseful. While Tyrion watches his bro struggle on the battlefield, Jamie also looks around at the destruction and fire and seems deeply sad as well.

But back to the battle, Bronn is firing away at the dragon with the giant-dragon-shooter. After some misses, he finally hits the dragon and successfully wounds him. In retaliation, the Dragon blows up dragon-killer-machine (Bronn narrowly escapes). Wounded, the dragon has to land on the shore and Khaleesi hops off to survey the damage to her baby boi. Jaime sees Khaleesi and is like, well, here’s my chance. He’s riding toward her on his horse and Tyrion sees this all and keeps saying, “flee you idiot” because, presumably, he doesn’t want to see either of these people killed.

Jaime rolls up, about to stab Khaeesi and it looks like it might happen when all of a sudden, the dragon brings his head around breathes fire directly at Jaime. At the same time, someone (it looks like Bronn) grabs Jaime and pulls him into the water to escape the fire blast. BUT THEN we just get a clip of Jaime sinking into the water and MAYBE DROWNING?!?!?!?!?!! OMG THIS EPISODE WAS AMAZING I AM GAGGED.

Let’s recap

Biggest surprise this ep: KHALEESI ROLLING UP ON A DRAGON!! Also, is Jaime dead?!?!?!?!

Biggest letdown: the cave of sexual tension was kind of a letdown but I think it’s happening people, I think it’s coming.

Important fashion moments: I’m loving the little getup Arya is wearing during her sparring match with Ladyknight. Also everything Khaleesi and Missi are wearing is #bomb.

Who died this ep? A bunch of Lannister army people, maybe SMD? Also a bunch of Dothraki too. And then the big Q- maybe Jaime?

Thanks for reading!!! Follow me on tumblr! Tell your friends!

Also, a disclaimer that I posted last week:

You might IDGAF this but just to lay it out there, I purposefully avoid all other recaps/reviews/think-pieces about the latest episode in the time between watching the ep and writing this recap. Sometimes I will hop on to the GoT wiki page to find out a character’s name or check a fact but mostly it’s just my own notes that I reference.

WHY AM I EVEN SAYING THIS? I often will read other recaps/reviews after writing and posting this one and I’m like OMG WE HAD THE SAME REACTION/ SAID THE SAME THING about a scene or a character. So I guess I just wanted to say that any similarities between this recap and any other recap are unintentional and coincidental.

I know what you’re thinking: PROVE IT. Well, much like Bae trying to prove the ice zombies are real, I can’t prove it, I can only state the facts and hope that my time-worn face and honest peepers will be enough :)

[boystownbirdie]

Bran Stark is your annoying younger cousin who just discovered weed

Last Sunday’s Game Of Thrones brought loads of long-awaited plot developments. Characters who, since the beginning of the fantasy series, have been separated by oceans and wars finally came together. Decisive battles were fought and powerful leaders met their end. Unfortunately, none of this mattere

TROLOLOLOLOL so accurate thank you AV Club!!

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E3

Welcome back!  In case you’re new, this is LET ME WATCH TV 4 U (?), the blog where I watch tv so you don’t have to! If you missed it, I wrote a special mid-week post this past week which broke down the main characters called: new phone who dis? Check it out here. 

Also reminder that I have a new feature called “Why does this scene even matter?” (WDTSEM) for those seemingly useless scenes which may or may not actually be important later.

Tonight’s episode featured the FIRST EVER meeting of Bae and Khaleesi, so let’s get into it!

************************SPOILER ALERT************************************

We start off on Dragonstone….

...which is the island where Khaleesi and co have posted up. Bae rows up with no-knuckles in a tiny rowboat and meets his old pal Tyrion on the sand. T is like remember when we met in season 1 and I peed off the edge of the wall that you were guarding lol jk lol jk? And Bae is like yep you were so wasted, bro. They also meet Khaleesi’s hottie translator with the good hair who’s like welcome, please hand over all of your weapons. And Bae’s like BUT I THOUGHT I HAD TSA- PRE CHECK! And T’s like naw, we’ve really had to tighten up our policies here. Some horse-dudes also take their little rowboat away.

As Bae and No-Knuckles (NK) are walking up to meet Khaleesi, her dragons do a quick perimeter sweep and really freak out poor little bae (see gif above). Watching all of this unfold from a creepy high-up-spying-spot is the Red Witch Lady who brought Bae back from the dead but then got kicked out and also Sleevey. The Red Witch is like I did my part, I brought Khaleesi and Bae together. And Sleevey’s like… don’t you want to see their first meeting? I think it might be like the Hamilton-Burr meeting in the musical Hamilton? And she’s like nope I got kicked out for burning a kid alive so not really welcome around him or NK. And he’s like ya you better get to steppin’ back East. And she’s like NO YOU better get to steppin’ back east.

WDTSEM? Truly no idea. I guess we’re supposed to be reminded that Sleevey hates religion because a religious zealot cut off his who-ha and ho-ho’s and therefore they do NOT get along?

Now, if you’ll recall Khaleesi is a pretty kewl lady. She campaigned on an anti-slavery platform back in the East and brought together a bunch of different groups of people all while keeping dat hair and dem outfits on point. And Bae is also a pretty kewl dude. He supports refugees and fights for the underserved and also looks fly as hell doing it. I know what you’re thinking, ARE THEY BOTH SINGLE? THEY SHOULD BONE? Well, unbeknownst to both of them, they’re actually related; she’s his aunt. But considering this episode featured a sex scene between a man and a woman who happen to be TWINS, I feel like aunt-nephew is not too weird for GoT-land. Back to the point, this is the first time Bae and Khaleesi are ever meeting and due to their similarities on paper, you’d think they’d get along. But turns out they do not.

Khaleesi is basically like #bowdownbitches and Bae is like naw dawg. They go back and forth for awhile, with Khaleesi explaining how/why she should overtake Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) and Bae basically agreeing but saying his real concern is the giant army of ice zombies. And she’s like lol wut? Ice zombies? Nice try, dude. Next thing you know, Sleevey rolls up and is like ruh-roh! Remember last episode when our pals Previously-Traumatized Theon (PTT), his sis Yara aka the Kween of the Iron Islands, and the Sand Queen lady sailed off to Southern shore to be mobilize our forces down South? Well PTT and Yara’s uncle, Uncle-Crazy-Pants (UCP) attacked them, burned most of their ships, and took Yara and the Sand-Queen lady hostage.

Next, we get a shot of PTT washing up and getting pulled into a boat where he reports that his sis was taken hostage and no, sorry, he wasn’t able to get her back. His peeps are like ugh what’s your deal, bro? But poor bb PTT has been through a lot so give him a break, ok?!?

WDTSEM? Well the Sand Queen and Yara were supposed to bring together all of Yara’s fleet of ships (which was approx. a buttload) and then head to Sand Queen’s home (Dorne) and bring together that whole army and then march up to King’s Landing, where QPC is sittin’ on dat throne. Now that they’re captured and their ships are burnt, this is a huge loss to Khaleesi.

Speaking of Uncle-Crazy-Pants, let’s check in on him in King’s Landing…

UCP is marching down the streets of King’s Landing doing a pretty good impression of Aladdin during the “Make Way for Prince Ali” scene. The difference here is that he is dragging along his niece, Yara, as well as the Sand Queen (SQ) lady and one her Sand Snake daughters. He struts up to QPC on his horse and “delivers” her the gift of SQ and her daughter. Now if you’ll recall, one of QPC’s kids, her daughter Myrcella, got kissed on the lips with poison by SQ a few seasons ago and proceeded to die on a lovely boat trip in which her dad/uncle (Jaime) confessed that he was her real dad. So needless to say, QPC and Jaime are NOT FANs of this lady.

UCP is like here, QPC, I brought you these prisoners, can we get married and/or bone now? And QPC is like yep, sure can! But first let’s beat Khaleesi in this giant, ongoing war. She tells him he’s in charge of her naval forces and that her bro is in charge of the Lannister army. And since UCP is cuckoo, he’s like hey Jaime, can you give me sex tips for when I do it with your sister (honestly, fair question) and obvi Jaime is like NOT KEWL BRO but he has to pretend to like this guy so he bites his tongue.

Then QPC makes a big deal of locking up SQ and her daughter and then kissing the daughter on the lips with poison to be like #reciprocity I guess? And she’s like SQ will have to watch her daughter die and then also hang out in this cave forever. I guess all this torture is really a turn-on because next thing we know, she’s making out with her brother and giving him a blowie right there.

The next morning, they’re all post-coital and he’s like I should...go? And she’s like naw, I’m the kween we can do whatever! And her maid sees them in their nudididity and is like eww?

Then QPC takes a meeting with an important banker who’s like…bitch...you broke. And she’s like gimme a minute, I got dis.

We stop back by Dragonstone to catch Bae bein’ Bae…

By which I mean he’s brooding by a cliff. And Tyrion is like damn I was trying to brood but you look hawter doing it, which is v. true really. They chat about what went wrong back at that meeting between Khaleesi and Bae. Tyrion tells Bae to take a chill pill and think about how crazy he sounds talkin’ bout ice zombies and whatnot. He also tells Bae about all the good things Khaleesi has done and how she’s actually a pretty cool lady. Then he goes and does the same with Khaleesi, basically. He’s like Bae’s a cool guy and all he wants from you are these rocks that you have under your castle that you’re NOT EVEN USING so just let him do that. And she’s like ok fine.

So then we get to Bae-Khaleesi-meeting 2.0 where it’s just the 2 of them, standing on this cliff chatting kween-to-king. She agrees to let him mine the “dragonglass” (rocks that kill ice zombies) under her castle and he kind of agrees to support her in her campaign against QPC? Well mostly he agrees that QPC is no good and Khaleesi would be a better kween. Then Bae’s like… does this mean you believe me re: ice zombies? And Khaleesi is like… no comment.

We head North to Winterfell, where Bae’s sis Sansa was left in charge

And boy is she doing a good job! Which is kind of surprising, only because we’ve never seen her utilize these skills before. She’s walking around telling people to start storing their barley for winter and telling the metal-workers to line their breastplates with leather and generally being a BOSS. Littlefinger, AS ALWAYS, is creeping around behind her doing nothing helpful. He stops to give her some advice about imagining every possible scenario at all times which is like, sure, a good idea in theory but who has time for that?!?

Suddenly her little bro, Bran, who she was told was maybe dead, shows up in Winterfell. She’s like OMG YASS KWEEN YOU’RE ALIVE! And Bran is just sitting there (to be fair he is paraplegic so he couldn’t get up) staring straight ahead and is acting all robotic. I guess it’s because he’s been through some trauma but at this point so has almost every character on GoT and they still manage to register human emotion.

They proceed to have a heart-2-heart by the old-family-magic-face-tree and she’s like so...what’s been going on in the last 6 seasons? And he’s like I am the three-eyed-raven now I can see the past and the present and all scenarios at all times (hmm interesting that this is exactly what littlefinger just advised her to do...) And she’s like cool….so….do you want to be in charge now since you are the oldest living official Stark male and gender roles are apparently still a BFD up North? And he’s like can’t… I have to prophesize. Btw where’s Bae? We know as savvy viewers that he’s looking for Bae because he needs to tell him about the paternity results. 

And then he vividly describes the night she was married off to her psychopath-ex-husband who then proceeded to rape her. He keeps talking about it, too, which I guess is to prove that he can see the past but also NOT trauma-informed and not a welcome conversation. It’s weird.

We stop by Old Town which is more and more like Hogwarts every day…

Mostly because Jim Broadbent is there and because people are getting miraculously cured from turning-to-stone-diseases. Sam, Bae’s bestie, is still interning at the “maester” academy, learning to be a doctor/librarian and you’ll recall that last week he did some under-the-radar experimental surgery to treat Stoney, who happens to be one of Khaleesi’s besties. Now get this, STONEY IS CURED! The artist-formerly-known-as-Stoney is like thanks, Sam, I gotta get back to Khaleesi! And Sam’s boss is like I know you did that amateur surgery and you’re in big trouble but also good job I’m proud of you.

Our last scene is really a montage of scenes so let’s get into it…

I have to admit that even I, GoT-viewing-expert (lol), was confused and overwhelmed by this last scene. So I’ll try to break it down as clearly as I can, but bear with me. We start with Tyrion laying out the current battle plan. Since Khaleesi is pretty ticked that their ships (well technically Yara’s ships but under her direction) were all destroyed by UCP, she mentions finding UCP’s ships and burning them up. How? Well duh, she got dem dragons! It’s strange because I’m pretty sure she’s talking about riding them and commanding them while at the helm, but she never really says this clearly. And Tyrion is like no that’s too dangerous, someone else should do it. Does he mean himself? MAYBE? TBD...

But for now, let’s get into the current battle zones:

Greyworm (fresh off his recent sex scene from last week) and the rest of the “unsullied” army, were sent by Khaleesi and Tyrion to overtake T’s family home, Casterly Rock. There’s this whole montage that Tyrion helpfully narrates about how if the unsullied were to attack Casterly Rock by just popping up on the fortress, they’d be crushed since it was built so well. BUT since Tyrion used to sneak in his sex ladies and booze and other “unsavory” things through the sewer system, he knows it very well. So he instructs Greyworm and a small group to come in through the back and engage in sneak-attack-warfare. They successfully take Casterly Rock, but they’re like...that’s funny...there were supposed to be a lot more people here? And they look out to the sea where it looks like UCP’s ships are burning up all of the ships they rode in on. Which is a real bummer.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Lannister army (all the people who were missing when Greyworm and co. attacked)  led by Jaime, is shown marching on “Highgarden” which is where Grandma Tyrell (Gma) lives, apparently completely alone. Remember that Gma’s son and grandkids all got burned up in that church-explosion by QPC last season and then she decided to back Khaleesi? She also told Khaleesi not to trust Tyrion and to “be a dragon.” Gma is looking out at this whole army of Lannister dudes and is like well...IDGAF at this point, really. Important to note that Sam’s Dad (who is a major dick) and Sam’s bro (who’s actual name is Dickon) as well as Tyrion’s old pal Bronn are on the front lines with Jaime, even though last week Sam’s dad was like I could NEVER betray Gma Tyrell.

WDTSEM? Remember when QPC said she’d pay back all of her debts to the banker? Well Highgarden is famously wealthy and has lots of important exports (like grains, for example). So with Jaime and QPC in possession of all of that, as well the coffers of Casterly Rock which he says he cleared out, they can now pay them back, theoretically. Also, Highgarden is down South so now QPC and co have a stronghold down there.

Jaime meets Gma in her study for some light refreshments and death threats. Gma is like well… shoulda seen this coming. Also, did you know your sister/lover is the worst human ever? Like seriously a sociopath? And Jaime is like, oh you think she’s so bad? Well how about this? She is going to let you die from poison rather than torture- isn’t that sweet?!? And gma is like ugh whatever give me the poison, put it in my wine plz. She drinks it in one gulp and then she’s like oh, BTW, I know that Joffrey (the evil little prince dude who was poisoned and killed at his wedding to Gma’s granddaughter, Queen Makeunder) is your son cuz of incest and also, I’m the one who poisoned him. And Jaime is like maybe mad or maybe not? Maybe just surprised? Gma is like tell QPC that it was me who killed Joffrey, k? Ps I hate QPC ok bai, time to die. 

WDTSEM? For so long QPC’s only redeeming quality (as told by all of the other characters) was her love for her children. After all 3 had died, she took over the throne and started in on this crazy reign of terror. Now she has SQ captive and is torturing her for killing her daughter and with this admission, she’s also killed the person responsible for one of her son’s deaths. Will ticking off those responsible for killing her main motivation in life help her find closure or make her more of a monster? I’d guess the latter.

Now let’s break it down:

Biggest surprise this ep: The attack on Highgarden! I did not see that coming and also did not fully understand at first. The way the scene was shot, it seemed like gma was in on this invasion, but obviously she was not, as she was later killed by said invaders.

Biggest letdown: Bran was so lackluster and un-enthuz’ed about finally seeing his sister and his hometown again. It’s like we get that you have magic powers now but could you show some effort here?

Important fashion moments: Bae’s meeting-the-kween-but-I-also-have-armor-on look was pretty fly and even though she is THE WORST, I was feeling the red-witch-lady’s linen-y red scarf/cape 

Who died this ep? The Sand Queen’s daughter (the last of the “Sand Snakes”), a bunch of unsullied soldiers out at sea, and Olenna Tyrell (aka gma Tyrell) RIP. 

Check in this time next week for more LMWTV4U and thanks for reading. Tell your friends!

Correction: I’ve recently discovered that I’ve been spelling Jaime Lannister’s name wrong for my entire blog-writing career. My apologies. 

Also, you might IDGAF this but just to lay it out there, I purposefully avoid all other recaps/reviews/think-pieces about the latest episode in the time between watching the ep and writing this recap. Sometimes I will hop on to the GoT wiki page to find out a character’s name or check a fact but mostly it’s just my own notes that I reference. 

WHY AM I EVEN SAYING THIS? I often will read other recaps/reviews after writing and posting this one and I’m like OMG WE HAD THE SAME REACTION/ SAID THE SAME THING about a scene or a character. So I guess I just wanted to say that any similarities between this recap and any other recap are unintentional and coincidental. 

I know what you’re thinking: PROVE IT. Well, much like Bae trying to prove the ice zombies are real, I can’t prove it, I can only state the facts and hope that my time-worn face and honest peepers will be enough :) 

[boystownbirdie]

NEW PHONE WHO DIS?

Are you an inexperienced or inconsistent Game of Thrones viewer? Are you not quite sure who all of these people are and why you should care about them or their hairstyles? I present to you… New Phone, Who Dis?  A guide to the major characters of Game of Thrones, season 7, brought to you by the same blerg that brought you, LET ME WATCH TV 4 U? 

For each character we’ll be answering the following questions: WHO DIS? Who are their still-alive allies (best budz)? Will he/she win the game of thrones? Will he/she survive the next 11 episodes? I’ll start with a quick n’ dirty guide to the big 3 families and then get into individuals… 

Before we start, SPOILER ALERT,  OBVI. Let’s go!

The Starks

Members: Mom (Catelyn) and Dad (Ned) are both dead, so you don’t need to know much about them except that Ned died at the end of season 1 and Catelyn died at that “red wedding” people are always talking about. They had 5 kids: Robb (also died at the red wedding), Sansa (alive!), Arya (also alive!), Bran (wow also alive!), and Rickon (RIP). There’s also Jon Snow aka Bae who was raised as “Ned Stark’s bastard” but was recently confirmed to be the son of Ned’s sister Lyanna and Rhaegar Targaryen, so he’s actually Ned’s nephew and is a sort of Stark-Targaryen mix. For ease of reading, I’ll refer to him as Ned’s son for the rest of this post since this is knowledge that you and I and Bran have but Bae doesn’t even know yet.

Hobbies: Giant wolves, talking about winter, suppressing their feelings, following the rules, dying and coming back to life (well mostly just Bae), living at Winterfell (their home base)

The Lannisters

Members: At this point it’s just 3 adult siblings and get this, THEY’RE ALL ALIVE. Which is truly shocking. There’s Cersei (aka Queen Pixie Cut or QPC), her twin bro/lover Jaime, and their little bro Tyrion (who, despite his heritage is definitely not #teamLannister). QPC and her bro pro-created and had 3 kids together, that she pretended to be the children of her hubby, King Robert Baratheon. Sadly her kids and former hubby are all no longer with us.

Hobbies: Incest, drinking wine, lions I guess?, being rich, killing people who threaten to reveal their secrets or get in their way

The Targaryens

Members: Daenerys (aka Khaleesi) is the only real, legit one who is still alive THAT WE KNOW OF. Jon Snow (Bae) is technically her brother’s son and therefore a Targaryen but he doesn’t know that yet. The only other legit Targaryen we met in the series was her brother Viserys who was THE WORST and got his face burned off.

Hobbies: Dragons, fire, being in-flammable (is that a word?), traditionally they were also into incest but Khaleesi hasn’t gotten into that yet

***Important takeaway: At this point, most of the characters are either #teamBae (Stark), #teamQPC (Lannister), or #teamKhaleesi (Targaryen)**

Now let’s jump into our characters!

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Jon Snow aka Bae aka King of the North aka (former) High Commander of the Nightswatch aka Lord Snow/ King Crow/ The White Wolf. He is famously moody but he is a legit kind, respectful, and open-minded person who is a skilled warrior. He also was stabbed to death by a bunch of his friends at the celibacy-training-academy but then came back to life when an evil witch lady did a spell, TG. Follow up Q- Why is he “Bae?” Because look at that face, duh. But also he is generally pretty #woke and v sensual, esp in season 3 when he meets his lover and breaks his vows of celibacy to tap dat. Said lover famously repeats the phrase “you know nothing, Jon Snow,” but turns out HE DOES KNOW SOME STUFF. Talkin’ bout sex stuff.

Best budz? His besties are Sam, currently studying to be a maester (doctor/historian/librarian/bed-pan-cleaner) and his giant wolf named Ghost. He’s also got his half-sis Sansa on his side as well as No-Knuckles (a nice old dude with some leadership experience), Lady Mormont (the most badass 11 year old you’ve ever met), and a bunch of other “Great Northern Houses” who proclaimed him King of the North. He’s also pals with a bunch of “wildlings” who are people who were born North of the ice wall as well as the current “Nightswatch” dudes who he left in charge when he headed to Winterfell.

Will he win the game of thrones?  Maybe? He’s the only current leader who seems as concerned as he should be about the white walkers (giant army of ice zombies who are LOVING this winter weather). Plus he’s a decent guy (chill dude, likes to hang out) AND he’s got that Targaryen and Stark background so he’s got some legit claims to the throne.

Will he survive the next 11 episodes? I think yes. Again, he already died and came back to life so I doubt that will happen again.

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Sansa Stark, current Queen of Winterfell (I guess?) former fiancee of Joffrey (now dead), former wife of Tyrion, former wife of Ramsay Bolton (he was evil and she had his dogs eat him) and second oldest legit Stark kid. She used to be obsessed with #fashun and Joffrey but then he turned out to be insane in the membrane and she’s spent the past 5 years being tortured, raped, and traded around by dudes until she reunited with her half-bro, Bae. Now she is much more practical and less trusting and as we’ve seen in the past 2 eps, not always on the same page with Bae.

Best budz? Brienne of Tarth aka Ladyknight is sworn to protect her, as is her squire, Pod. She was pals with Theon (previously-traumatized Theon) because he helped her escape evil Ramsay and I guess she’s friends with Littlefinger who is one of the said dudes who’s been trading her around. Littlefinger is apparently in lurve with her but also WAY OLDER and also used to be in lurve with her mom which is super creepy.

Will she win the game of thrones? Unlikely. She doesn’t really seem to want to be in charge of anything at the moment, but that could change.

Will she survive the next 11 episodes? Doubt it. She’s already been through a lot and while I’d love to see her happy and safe and living her #bestlife, I kind of doubt she will survive to the end because she’s been hangin’ by a thread for awhile.

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Arya Stark aka “A Girl” aka Arry aka former intern at the face-swapping-assassin-training academy turned rogue assassin. She recently reconnected with her roots and it seems like she’ll be heading home to see her sis and half-bro in Winterfell. She’s a skilled swords-woman and has never been into anything traditionally feminine. She was briefly blind and before that was a captive of “The Hound” who hoped to trade her for some $$ but ended up escaping from him. Most recently, she killed Walder Frey (a powerful old dude who was pals with the Lannisters) and then poisoned like 100 of his friends and family.

Best budz? Before they were separated, she and Bae were very close (not in an incest way, tho) and she has a friend named Hot Pie who’s a great local chef #eatlocal. She and her sis Sansa were never very close because of their vast differences, but I’m pretty sure they’ll be happy to see one another alive. She made friends with this dude Gendry who is secretly the bastard son of Cersei’s ex-hubby but she hasn’t seen him in awhile. 

Will she win the game of thrones? Doubtful. Again, she’s showed no ambition to lead but has shown great skill as a fighter. My guess is she will end up as a knight or some other type of warrior/fighter/guardian.

Will she survive the next 11 episodes? I’m gonna say yes. She is VERY HARD TO KILL even for trained assassins. 

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Bran Stark aka the NEW AND IMPROVED three-eyed-raven, youngest living Stark kid (presumed dead by many), paraplegic but what he lacks in mobility he makes up for in ability to see into and affect events in the past and enter the brains of animals and other humans. He’s been up North of the ice-wall for awhile but as of season 7 ep 1, is safe with the nightswatch at the wall and likely headed to see his fam at Winterfell. He’s the only person (that we know of) who knows the truth about Bae’s parentage.

Best budz? His best bud is Meera, a very badass chick who helps him get around/survive. He also met and be-friended Bae’s friend Sam a few seasons ago and also briefly reunited with his uncle who is now some sort of ice-zombie-human-hybrid who helped him and Meera survive up North. 

Will he win the game of thrones? Naw. More than likely he’ll be important in the war against the ice-zombies since he has tons of experience with them, but he’s unlikely to lead. 

Will he survive the next 11 episodes? I think so.  Again, his ability to see and potentially affect past events will be super important so I’m thinking people will continue to work hard to protect him.

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Tyrion Lannister aka the Imp aka Hand of Queen to Daenerys Targaryen (aka Khaleesi) aka former husband to Sansa Stark, former lover of Shae, former Hand of the King to Joffrey.  He loves to drink and read books so he knows a lot of shit but also can be a sloppy, cynical mess. He hates his sister (the feeling is mutual) but has some amount of love and respect for his brother, Jamie. He was in love with Shae but she betrayed him and got with his dad so he killed them both. In his defense, they testified against him which led him to be sentenced to death. After that he left Lannister-life behind to meet up with Khaleesi and co. He’s been able to show off his strategizing-skills as well as knowledge of military maneuvers in his current role.

Best budz? He’s friends with Khaleesi and her crew, as well as this dude Varys (aka Sleevey) who brought him to Khaleesi in the first place. Again, he and his bro Jamie have a complicated relationship but in the past they’ve gotten along. He’s also friends with this dude named Bronn, who, last we checked was working for Jamie. And there’s his former squire, Pod, now works for Ladyknight and famously saved his life during an important battle.

Will he win the game of thrones? He really could. He’s shown great leadership skills and the ability to learn from past mistakes. He’s not too idealistic or unwilling to compromise which are also important in this world.

Will he survive the next 11 episodes? I’m gonna say yes. He’s an important character since he’s a Lannister who is #teamKhaleesi and who has befriended 2 of the Stark peeps, meaning he’s a bridge between these 3 warring groups. I’d bet on him lasting until the end.

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Cersei Lannister aka Queen Pixie Cut aka QPC aka Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and current sitter on the “Iron Throne” which is what everyone is always jones-ing to sit on. She recently blew up an entire church full of people (and probably most people within a ½ mile radius too) because they were gettin’ on her nerds. She is intelligent but cruel and recently got a terrible haircut against her will and had to walk naked through the streets. She used to have 3 kids: Joffrey who was also cruel and was poisoned (she blamed Tyrion but it was actually Littlefinger and Grandma Tyrell’s fauly), Myrcella who was nice but also got poisoned (this time by the Sand Snakes/ Dornish Queen lady) and Tommen who jumped out a window after the church explosion.

Best budz? Her bro/lover Jaime is pretty much her bestie and the only person she can really trust at this point. She also likes the current “Maester” who notably is into human experimentation and brought back “The Mountain” (a giant bodyguard/fighter dude who is The Hound’s brother) from the dead a few seasons ago. Now he is basically a giant zombie-hybrid and she likes him too because he kills and tortures people for her.

Will she win the game of thrones? Doubtful. She went to this fortune-teller-lady when she was young that said she’d have 3 kids who would all die young (which came true) and that she’d be overthrown by a younger and more beautiful queen and be killed by her younger brother. Most people think that this younger hawtie kween is Khaleesi but fortunes can be wrong!

Will she survive the next 11 episodes? Again, doubtful due to the prophecy. If it’s true, either Jaime or Tyrion (since both are technically younger than her) could kill her in the next 11 eps. Tyrion is the more likely candidate but who knows! (George RRRRR Martin, that’s who )

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Ser Jaime Lannister aka The Kingslayer aka Oathbreaker aka QPC’s brother/lover aka the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. He’s a tricky character since he loves his sister a lot but also seems to have a stronger grip on reality. He is a great fighter but got a hand chopped off in like season 2 and has been a embarrassed about it ever since. He’s the de facto leader of the Lannister army and has shown great skill in battle and manipulation of his enemy. He famously killed the “Mad King” by stabbing him in the back, earning the kingslayer/oathbreaker nicknames.

Best budz? His sister, obvi. And he has been a fan of his brother in the past although right now they’re on opposite sides. He also got set up with Bronn on a friend-date by his bro Tyrion. He and Brienne (aka Ladyknight) are also one of the many #unlikelyfriendships the show has had and she’s now #teamStark. 

Will he win the game of thrones? Probably not. He doesn’t really seem to have any leadership ambition, so I’d say no. He may be standing next to whoever wins, though.

Will she survive the next 11 episodes? Probably. He’s hard to kill and has connections to each of the warring factions at this point. I can see him turning on his sis and changing sides which would make him an asset and therefore likely to #stayalive #hamilton.

WHO DIS?

DIS IS: Daenerys Targaryen aka Khaleesi aka Myhssa aka The Unburnt aka Mother of Dragons aka Breaker of Chains aka Queen of Mereen aka Queen of the Seven Kingdoms and Heir to the Iron Throne. Her dad was called “the Mad King” because he loved to burn people alive (just like QPC!) and she was shipped to the east part of the world right after she was born so she wouldn’t get killed by the Lannisters and Co. She’s spent the last 6 seasons working her way across the eastern continent, first marrying a hawtie horse-king dude who later died from an infected wound, having a stillborn son with him, and then she “gave birth” to 3 dragons at the end of season 1. I know what you’re thinking, PEOPLE CAN’T BIRTH DRAGONS. True. Basically she had 3 petrified dragon eggs and after the loss of her husband and child, she walked into a great funeral pyre and came out later with 3 bb dragons who came from those petrified eggs. She cannot be burned by fire at all, which is pretty kewl. She also set free thousands of slaves and then ruled a kingdom out east called Mereen for awhile. Now she is finally back in the West after all this time to reclaim the throne. She is very intelligent, fierce, but also thoughtful and well-loved.

Best budz? Her translator/bestie is Missandei with the good hair. She’s also pals with Tyrion (who is her “hand” or basically Vice President), Greyworm (the leader of this army of soldiers who she set free but who decided to keep being loyal to her anyway), Grandma Tyrell (whose family got burned up in QPC’s fire last season), Previously-Traumatized Theon and his sister Yara (who is the leader of the Greyjoy fleet of ships), the Sand Queen lady (Queen of Dorne/ mother of the “sand snakes”), Sleevey (Varys- an advisor who used to work for the Lannisters but defected) and last but not least, her old pal Stoney who is currently getting amateur surgery for stoney-skin-disease by Sam (Bae’s bestie). PHEW. She’s got a lot of pals.

Will she win the game of thrones? MAYBE? She would be a great leader and has overcome every obstacle thus far. But if George RRRR Martin has taught us anything, it’s that #youcantalwaysgetwhatyouwant and also no one is immortal, really. But she’s got a good chance.

Will she survive the next 11 episodes? Probably! Again, she can’t be killed by fire and she’s got a lot of people around her who would do anything to protect her.

Those are all of our major characters! I could do a supporting-cast character breakdown if that would be helpful, just let me know. Thanks for reading and tell your friends!! 

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E2

It’s time for another installment of let me watch TV for you (LMWTV4U) where I watch TV shows so you don’t have to! Today I’ll be re-capping the latest ep of Game of Thrones, Season 7.

As always, spoiler alert! Also, reminder that I have a new feature called WHY DOES THIS SCENE EVEN MATTER or (WDTSEM?) to help us decipher those random scenes that seemingly serve no purpose. SO MUCH HAPPENED TONIGHT SO LET’S GO!!!!!

We start at Dragonstone where Khaleesi and co are still strategizin’

Khaleesi’s pals are trying to get her to attack QPC ASAP but she’s not really havin’ it. She proceeds to rip Sleevey a new a-hole for his lack of loyalty. If you’ll recall Sleevey is a schemer and is the one who basically brought together all of Khaleesi’s current crew but also was the one who sent assassins to kill Khaleesi back in season 1. She’s like will you be loyal 2 me? And he’s like sure...until I’m not anymore. And then you can kill me. And she’s like kewl good plan also will you lemme know if I’m doing a bad job as Kween and he’s like yep, sure.

Next, the red witch lady (who Bae sent away at the end of Season 6 because she burned alive this sweet bb gurl but also who brought him back from the dead) shows up on Khaleesi’s doorstep. Khaleesi is like hey what up I also speak the fanciest language and your religion is #trending back home and helping to keep people calm so… thanks. And the witch lady is like great, also FYI Bae is pretty fine and just got named “King of the North” thought you should know. Tyrion, who is like basically vice president, is like ya I remember Bae he was a kewl kid we met in Season 1. Obvi Khaleesi doesn’t know that Bae is her nephew yet but she’s like, well let’s invite him to hang out here but he’s got to #bowdownbitches to moi.

Later in the ep, we pop back by Dragonstone and Khaleesi is meeting with her peeps in the map room. Previously-traumatized Theon’s (PTT’s) sister is like we should launch our armies and dragons on Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) like right now please because she’s a shady bitch. And then the Sand Queen (she’s the one whose daughters are called the “Sand Snakes” and who stabbed her brother in law and took over down South last season) is like BTW I hate the Lannisters and my hubby got his head squeezed to death 2 seasons ago when he was defending YOUR honor, Tyrion and I’m not over it. And also Queen Makeunder’s (who got ‘sploded last season) grandma is there and she is like I miss my granddaughter and also you shouldn’t worry about burning up innocent people with dragons because QPC did it and now look at her!

Khaleesi is like I #respectmyelders but also, naw dawg. She decides PTT’s sis and Sand Queen will head down south and round up all of their troops together then they’ll attack QPC slowly because she can’t bring her Dothraki dudes and Unsullied troops over there it would be CHAOS. She does decide to send the unsullied troops to Tyrion’s hometown, Casterly Rock, to take that place over. Everyone is pretty on board with this plan except for Grandma so Khaleesi’s like DM- me, k? Khaleesi and grandma sit down and gma is like you should not trust Tyrion, this plan is dumb. Also, you ARE a dragon. And Khaleesi is like thnx for the inspo but.... I don’t wanna burn everyone up. 

Then, Khaleesi’s bestie/translator who is FLY AS HELL and has the coolest outfits and hairstyles, goes to talk to Greyworm, the leader of the unsullied army. These 2 have had the hots for eachother forever, so it’s no surprise when they FINALLY HOOKUP YAASSS GAGA! If you’ll recall the unsullied are all castrated as kids so he’s kinda embarrassed about his lack-of-package, but hottie translator is like NBD let’s do this. And so he, much like Jon Snow season 3, is like NBD lemme go down on you and she is LOVING IT. And it’s a great scene because we haven’t had nearly as much sensuality on GoT in the past few years and we needed it.

Let’s stop in Winterfell to check in on Bae and Sansa, shall we?

That letter that Khaleesi mailed to Bae has already arrived and Bae is like I know it’s legit because Tyrion put an inside joke in there that only he and I would get, OK? Sansa is like yep I was briefly married to Tyrion against both of our wills and he was v nice to me and treated me well. And No-Knuckles is there too and he’s like fire kills those ice zombies and dragons = fire and everyone is like sure but can we trust her?

Later in the ep, Bae gets the letter that his bestie, Sam, sent him in last week’s ep about how there’s heaps o’ dragonglass under dragonstone. Bae is like ok now that I’ve got these 2 very informative letters, I need to go see Khaleesi. All of his pals/ people loyal to him are like BAD IDEA, BAE don’t leave us we need you. And Sansa is like ya dude you can’t just leave and then no one’s in charge over here and he’s like LEAN IN GURL YOU DA KWEEN OF WINTERFELL. And she’s like I guess I never considered that but Ok, fine.

Then Bae stops by to visit their dad’s grave (well actually his uncle but he doesn’t know yet) and Littlefinger comes creepin’ around like hey remember how your stepmom was always mean to you? I was in love with her! And Bae’s like GTFO. And Littlefinger is like #you’rewelcome #dwaynetherockjohnsoninmoana  for helping you win this place back last season. And Bae is like don’t touch Sansa, k?

WDTSEM? We’re supposed to think Sansa might just take Littlefinger’s advice and do some sort of plot to take over from Bae, especially now that they’re fighting on the regs and now she’s all in charge. Personally, I think Sansa is smarter than that and also she’s made it quite clear that she’s grossed out by Littlefinger, esp his obsession with her mom. WHO KNOWS what will happen, but this last scene is probably supposed to plant some seeds of doubt.

We briefly touch base in King’s Landing with QPC…

She’s sitting on the coveted throne-of-swords and telling people how awful Khaleesi is. She’s like ya…. She’s gonna burn y’all up with her dragons. And everyone is like but remember last season when you burned up half of this city? Sam’s dad is there and he was a major dick last season and nothing seems to have changed in that department. QPC’s bro/lover, Jamie, is like will you please fight for us? And he’s like I would but I promised that grandma (who is currently #teamKhaleesi) that I’d be loyal to her so… no. But Jamie is like well if you change your mind I can put you in charge and you can forget about grandma. He doesn’t seem convinced but we’ll see.

Later in the ep, QPC checks out some dragon skulls with the “maester” because now that Khaleesi has these dragons, she’s gotta figure something out. He shows her this giant crossbow/catapult thing he’s made that can kill dragons and she’s like wow kewl.

We also briefly check in with Sam in “Old Town”

He’s still interning at the maester-training-academy and he’s treating Khaleesi’s former bestie, Stoney, who has that terrible skin-turning-to-stone disease. Sam’s boss is like sorry, Stoney, you’re done-zo, you have to go live with the stonemen. And Sam is like hold up, you’re a Mormont? My old boss when I was in the celibate-dude-ice-wall-guarding-army was your dad and he was a badass. Also, I had to watch these creepy dudes stab him so I owe your fam. He tries to talk about cures for the Stone disease but his boss is like SHUT UP YOU’RE JUST AN INTERN!

So Sam comes back that night and is like ok would it be kewl with you if I perform surgery on you, Stoney? I am just an intern and I’ve never practiced this before but let’s try it. And then we have to watch a truly disgusting surgical-removal of stone-skin that honestly even writing about it I’m dry heaving.

Arya is still on the road, headed to kill QPC last we checked…

She stops in to this pub to see an old friend name HOT PIE (that’s his real name, not a nickname) who is a wonderful chef. She eats some of his bread and drinks some beer and he keeps asking her questions but she is REALLY EVASIVE and won’t look him in the eye. He asks about Ladyknight, who we know is now working for Sansa full time, but who previously was trying to find Arya too. Arya is like, ya, she found me but then I had to head east to the face-swapping-assassin-training-academy. And he’s like you should check out Winterfell because I know you’re secretly a Stark. And she’s like NO THANKS, the Boltons are in charge over there and I don’t wanna get skinned alive. And he’s like NAW BITCH your bro, Bae, is in charge over there now. Which I guess in all of her travels she still didn’t know this? IDK seems fishy. But then she’s getting ready to leave and is about to keep heading to kill QPC but then CHANGES HER MIND AND HEADS TOWARD WINTERFELL! It was a very sweet moment in the episode and full disclosure I did tear up a little.

WDTSEM? Arya, in her current life as an assassin, has lost some of her humanity, as shown when she can’t even look her old pal in the eye. But finding out that her bro is still alive and that her old home, Winterfell, is in the Starks’ hands again has changed her. After meeting Ed Sheeran last week and his whole crew who reminded her of the importance of home and being with family, she’s finally deciding there are more important things in life than revenge. Which is kind of sweet.

Later, she stops for the night and is trying to stay warm by a fire when her horse starts gettin’ real spooked. Suddenly a pack of giant wolves (which are totally her brand because #stark) surrounds her, and she realizes one of them is her old pet who she set free back in season 1. She’s like hey.... Remember me… we were friends? And the wolf is like ummm… new phone who dis? And she’s like please come with me, I’m headed home. But the wolf is like sorz, can’t. And she says “that’s not you.” IDK if she means this is literally not her old pet or if she’s saying this feral version of you with a pack of wolves is not the wolf I knew. It doesn’t take a TV genius to figure out wolf = Arya and she’s conflicted between her new “feral side” and her old, daughter of a Stark side.

Our last scene is A DOOZY and it takes place on the high seas…

PTT and his sis are headed south with the Sand Queen (SQ) lady per Khaleesi’s instructions. We get a quick scene with her daughters, the Sand Snakes, just to remind us they’re all badasses and then we check in on SQ, PTT and his sis. SQ is like why do you keep your bro around he’s always acting all previously-traumatized. And his sis is like he protects me, but SQ is like you don’t need protection… and she and the sis start touching each other. PTT is like that’s my cue to leave, but just as some hawt SQ on PTT-sis action is about to go down, their ship is under attack. PTT and sis head upstairs and it turns out their crazy Uncle has come to find them! 

He sets all of their ships on fire and is tearing through all of their armies. The Sand Snakes put up a fight but sadly are taken out one-by-one. SQ is captured and is like, please kill me, but they do not. Then PTT’s sis and uncle go head to head. PTT’s sis is a major badass but uncle crazy-pants has craziness on his side and also captures her. He’s holding her hostage, about to cut her throat, so PTT is like ummmmmm….idk what to do. He’s clearly having some serious PTSD, so rather than make any decision, he jumps off the boat. His sis seems v v disappointed because she was literally just bragging about how he can protect her. He survives but is last seen floating sadly, watching all of their ships burn and his sis get taken away…

WDTSEM? Remember last week when uncle crazy-pants came to see QPC and bragged about having 2 hands? Well he promised to bring her a gift, and while my initial guess that it would be some sort of dragon-horn was probably off, it seems like the gift he’s bringing are these hostages. He now has the Sand Queen and PTT’s sis, both of whom are v powerful players. Having them to bargain with will be very helpful for QPC, assuming that’s the plan.

Final thoughts:

This ep was actually pretty great, minus the disgusting amateur surgery scenes! The fight scene at the end clearly had a huge budget and it showed- the fiery sparks throughout the entire scene were so cool and we’ve never seen much fighting-at-sea (with ships v. ships instead of ships v. land). The CGI people really did a bang up job if you ask me! #nerdalert

Biggest surprise this ep: I did NOT see that whole attack at the end coming! Also, everything is happening so fast! Everyone is learning about everyone else so quickly. I feel like in past seasons it would have taken us 2 eps at least to get something in the mail but now the mail’s coming 2-3 times an ep!

Biggest letdown:I was hoping, based on the preview, that Bae would really come for Littlefinger and squeeze him real good, but he was pretty gentle. Shoulda known because Bae is not one to strangle willy-nilly but DAMN I am sick of listening to Littlefinger.

Important fashion moments: Khaleesi’s shiny black get up was pretty great and I’m coming around to Sansa’s weird chain necklace.

Who died this ep? The Sand Snakes (RIP) and a bunch of Iron-Islanders (PTT’s people) and probably some Dornish people too (SQ’s people)

Thanks for reading, tell your friends! Check in next week! 

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E1

Welcome back to let me watch TV 4 U (LMWTV4U) where I watch TV shows so you don’t have to! If you’re not a GoT-watcher or you just need a review, check out my pre-season-6-GoT primer here or you can just check out the review/recap of the last ep of season 6 here

It’s GoT season 7 y’all- WHO’S EXCITED?

As always, spoiler alert. Also, I’m introducing a new segment of this blog called WHY DOES THIS SCENE EVEN MATTER or (WDTSEM?) to help us decipher when some seemingly unimportant or otherwise boring scenes actually do kind of matter. So watch for that. Now let’s get into it! 

Over in Frey-ville/ Riverlands...

So we open on Walder Frey (aka Argus Filch from Harry Potter) giving a toast to a bunch of his people, all of whom have to wear inexplicably weird hats that seem to serve no purpose. Off the bat we know something is up because Arya Stark, fresh from the face-swapping-assassin-training academy, definitely killed Filch in the last ep of season 6. He’s gathered up all of his hat-wearing friends and family and is like hey guys, here’s some NOT POISONED wine let’s have a toast. It’s pretty obvious it’s Arya doing a really good impersonation of Filch/ wearing his face, especially when he doesn’t even pretend to take a sip of his wine. He’s all, hey remember when we killed all those Stark people, especially the mom and the hottie son, Robb and his preggers wife? That was fun, right? And all the poisoned guys are like yep murder is fun you are correct. Then he’s like too bad you didn’t kill all the Starks cuz one is still alive and…. It’s ME BITCHES. 

And she rips off Filches’ face/body and is like SURPRISE! And because this is the season of the woman, she doesn’t let any of the poor servant girls (who were like 15 years old and all forced to marry Filch) drink any of wine but she’s like, I know this is confusing, because I was just wearing the face and body of your former husband but it’s me, a fellow 15-year old girl and please tell everyone THE NORTH REMEMBERS. (If you’ll recall the Stark fam is from the North and a bunch of them died at the red wedding which was FOREVER AGO)

Later in the ep, we catch up with Arya who is riding around on a horse like a boss when she happens upon ED SHEERAN. SERIOUSLY ED SHEERAN IS IN THIS EPISODE WHY? I DON’T KNOW. And he’s singing a song with some soldier bros, duh. And I guess they’re from the Lannister army (if you’ll recall the Lannisters are the incest twins) because they’re wearing their colors and they’re like ugh King’s Landing (where Queen Pixie Cut aka QPC is currently ruling after blowing up most of the city) is the worst. And Arya is like umm ya it sucks, last time I was there I saw my dad get his head chopped off, BUMMER. She doesn’t say that actually but she does listen to them talk about how they wished they were home with their family instead of fighting for QPC. 

WHY DOES THIS SCENE EVEN MATTER (WDTSEM)? This scene is pretty clearly a setup to get Arya to consider meeting up with her bro (well actually uncle) and sis in Winterfell rather than her current single-minded pursuit of killing QPC. Anyway, the strangest thing about this scene is that one of the bros is like ya my mom always said to be kind to others and they’ll be kind to you and also none of the bros say anything murder-y or even slightly assault-y for that matter toward this young girl traveling alone WHAT SHOW IS THIS? On any other season of GoT this scene would have been a literal bloodbath.

Sidenote: when the opening credits run we FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER only see Westeros rather than both sides of the globe (or is it a globe? Idk. g.r.r.r.r.r. Martin plz advise) cuz our Khween Khaleesi is no longer residing there.

Next, let’s check in up North with Bran and his pal Meera who recently narrowly escaped a zombie attack only to be rescued by his zombie-uncle.

Bran is having a vision, as he is wont to do, of the “Night King” (zombie leader guy) plus thousands of zombies marching toward the non-zombie world. Some of them are even zombie giants which is super spooky. He’s like let’s GTFO and get south of this giant ice wall so they coming a-knocking on the ice-wall-door which, if you’ll recall is manned by all those moody celibate dudes that Bae was briefly murdered by before coming back from the dead. Bae’s friend who is in charge now is like umm new phone who dis cuz IDK what “Brandon Stark” looks like but it’s probably not you. And he and his friend Meera are like we promise, we’re cool and they let them in.

WDTSEM? Bran and Meera’s next stop after passing through TSA security is probably to see his sis and bro at his home, Winterfell. Last time that poor boi was there he was paralyzed, briefly made leader, ousted, forced to watch the whole place burn down and then had to escape before he was killed. So needless to say he’ll be happy to see that it’s not only rebuilt and no longer a torture dungeon, but being ruled by his fam! AND he’s the only one who knows the truth about Bae the R+L=J theory so he needs to drop that bomb on erry’body that basically means that Bae is kind of a rightful ruler and also Khaleesi’s nephew?!?

Speaking of his home, let’s check in with Winterfell...

Bae (Jon Snow) is like wow being in charge is hard no wonder Obama turned gray lol-is-this-thing-on? And Sansa is like eye-roll and they have a little tiff in front of everyone which is EMBARRASSING. A few important things happen here: 

Bae tells everyone to dig for dragonglass cuz it’s the only way to kill the zombies. He’s like hey bois, gurls, gender-non-comforming-individuals, EVERYONE needs to get to work and dig and learn to fight

Everyone’s favorite pint-sized-ruler-of-Bear-Island, Lyanna Mormont, is all about that lyfe, as shown in gif above

Bae is like wow little kids are pretty good at being in charge so let’s put these other 2 lil’ squirts in charge over at their houses

Bae sends hottie-ginger-wildling-bae to guard part of the wall where the zombies are probably heading first. Goodbye ginger-bae. 

Sansa does not agree with the putting-kids-in-charge bit which is what they argue about but he does it anyway. They kind of makeup and then they talk about how Cersei (aka Queen Pixie Cut aka QPC) is in charge now and Sansa is like she cray but also a BAMF. 

Later we get a scene of Brienne, everyone’s fave lady-knight, training her squire how to fight and are reminded that ginger-bae has the hots for her. As Sansa watches this all play out, Littlefinger (ugh he is the WORST) comes over to tell Sansa for the 80th time that he loves her and wants to rule the world with her. And as she has done 80 times, she’s like NO THANKS DUDE. 

Speaking of Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) let’s check in on her over at King’s Landing…

QPC is ruling whatever is left of her people after she blew most of them up. She commissioned this giant map/painting on the ground and is stompin’ all around like she owns the place, which, to be fair, she does. Her twin bro/lover, Jamie, comes over and is like ummm… what’s the tea? Remember how our last living kid jumped out of a building and died last season… can we discuss? And she’s literally like yolo we gotta rule this place FOR US. And he’s like but we don’t have any heirs anymore, like who’s gonna take over after that you can’t #liveforever this ain’t the high school cafeteria in the film version of Fame. She’s like dontcha worry, I gotta plan.

So Theon’s crazy uncle shows up to see them. If you’ll recall last season, he killed his bro and then tried to become king of the wet-rock-pile by throwing up a bunch of sea water even though his niece, Theon’s sis, was totes supposed to become kween of her peeps. While he was performing his water-gagging-magic-trick, Theon and his sis ran away with a bunch of the peeps and all of the ships. Again, their entire island seemed to have about 20 people so WHO IS ON THOSE SHIPS? IDK. And he was like NBD I’ll make a bunch more ships AGAIN WHO IS BUILDING AND THEN RIDING ON THESE SHIPS IDK. So I guess the ships are built and people must be on them because they show up to QPC’s shores and she’s like whatup. Jamie is NOT HAVING IT mostly because he is jelly since Theon’s crazy uncle (TCU) is hittin on his sis. TCU manages to squeeze in a really sick burn when he’s like well at least I have 2 working hands (Jamie got one chopped off 3 seasons ago) and then he asks QPC to get with him. She’s like naw dawg so he’s like NBD I’ll be back with a “very special present” and heads off. They also banter about how his niece and nephew and Khaleesi and QPC’s other bro (Tyrion) have all teamed up and are headed that way.

WDTSEM? In the books, apparently TCU has some sort of magic horn that can call dragons? I think this might be the gift he’s going to get and bring back to QPC which would be CLUTCH because in the upcoming battle against Khaleesi, the ability to control those dragons would be really helpful.

Next, let’s see how Sam is doing over in “Oldtown” where all the maesters live...

If you’ll recall, Maesters are like doctors/librarians/historians, each of whom is assigned to either a place (like the ice wall) or a family, I guess (like the Starks). Sam wants to be one but he also is NAUGHTY and brought his gf and her bb with him (Maesters are also supposed to be celibate like the ice wall guys). He’s in maester-training-camp which includes a lot of diarrhea, apparently. He’s like cleaning bedpans, putting back library books, and doing autopsies on the reg. JIM BROADBENT aka Prof. Slughorn from HP aka Harold from Moulin Rouge shows up and is like DON’T GO IN THE RESTRICTED SECTION OF THE LIBRARY, SAM (flashes of Harry Potter, amirightladies?) so of course Sam does. He sneaks some books home and finds out that “Dragonstone” which is a castle near King’s Landing that Khaleesi is heading towards, is built on top of heaps of “dragonglass” (which, I mean, could have guessed) so he’s like I gotta tell Bae since I know bb boi is trying to stock up on that. Also, there’s a brief scene when Khaleesi’s friend who had the turning-to-stone-disease (Stoney) is like in a hospital where Sam is working and is pops his stone-hand out and is like IS SHE HERE YET? Aka Stoney wants to know if Khaleesi has made it to Dragonstone yet, which WAIT TIL THE END OF THE EPISODE, DUDE.

WDTSEM? Especially the scene with Jim Broadbent (JB) is important because he talks about how the ice wall has always held up after centuries of zombie attacks and how empires rise and fall and just like go with the flow, Sam. My guess is that they’re bringing up how strong the ice wall is and how unlikely a zombie-attack really is because this is something that may actually happen now so we can really grasp how high the stakes are nowadays.

Before we get to Khaleesi, we have to check in on “The Hound” who’s walking around with those fire-worshipping dudes these days…

Is it just me or is man-bun guy kinda hot? So he and “The Hound” come across this farm house which the Hound is having some guilt about b/c last time he was in the hood he killed the girl and her dad who lived there. They find their bodies and everyone is like IDK who killed them but ugh… that’s life. And then the fire-worshipper-guys are like here look at this fire and remember the Hound hates fire because he got half of his face burned off as a kid. But he does look at the fire and has like a premonition of zombies going around the ice wall and attacking all the living people. Then he and hottie man bun bury the dead girl and her dad outside because the Hound feels #guilty for killing them I guess?

WDTSEM? Well the Hound used to be really murder-y but then he was saved by Ian McShane and his group of like Amish people (much like Harrison Ford in the film Witness) and decided to renounce violence. He used to work for QPC’s family and then kind of kidnapped Arya but also was not the worst to her (or to her sister for that matter) so if shit’s going down he could potentially be on the Stark side of things now. 

Lastly, we check in with everyone’s fave kween and co, Khaleesi, who rolls up on Dragonstone with all her pals…

She hasn’t been to this side of the world since she was a wee babe so when she steps foot on the sand, she’s like give me a minute y’all. Then she walks into the castle and looks at the throne, which is NOT made of a bunch of swords but rather a slab of rock and is still pretty baller and walks right past it to head to the room with the giant map on it. Previously, Stannis and his friends lived there including sweet ole’ no-knuckles who is currently #teambae and he spent a lot of time strategizing and having sex with witches to produce demon babies on that table. Khaleesi looks around and then is like, let’s get it started in here #blackeyedpeas.  

WDTSEM? Well, duh, cuz Khaleesi is in it and she is basically the Beyonce of GoT. But also because she has had this single-minded pursuit on the iron throne (chair made of swords where QPC is currently sitting) so you’d think she’d like take a minute to sit on this rock-slab-throne and savor the moment, but she (unlike QPC) knows that a true kween not only sits there, but also gets shit done. And I think this scene is supposed to contrast how #woke Khaleesi is compared to QPC. Both have giant maps and thrones now, but QPC is so out of touch that she has no time for strategy or listening to other people’s advice. 

Final thoughts:

This ep was what the TV people call a “table setting” episode and it did just that. The drawback is that it was pretty boring. We just check in on all of our key players/places and see how everyone is doing which is normally quite helpful in GoT world. But the season 6 finale already did that for us, so it seems to be just an extension of that episode rather than something new and exciting. Now on to our superlatives...

Biggest surprise this ep: Sam is interning for JIM BROADBENT these days, which is pretty great. Also Ed Sheeran lives in GoT-world I guess which actually explains a lot.

Biggest letdown: We only get THREE WHOLE WORDS from Khaleesi in the entire ep!

Important fashion moments: Sansa’s new lacefront is NOT working for her. With this budget you’d think they could afford better wigs! Also, while I won’t miss the Mereen subplot, I will miss Khaleesi and co being in a warmer climate because she and her friends had some killer crop tops/ cut out dresses/ bright colors . Now that everyone is on the cold side of the world, we have much less #fashun.

Who died this ep? A bunch of Walder Frey’s main cronies

Check in next week when we’re promised someone will finally be strangling littlefinger so we may be rid of his creepy soliloquies soon! Thanks for reading tell your friends!

CORRECTION: After checking my sources, it seems like the Hound maybe didn’t kill the farmer dude and his daughter but instead stole their shit and so they were forced into the dire circumstances that led them to their death. So while it sounds like he didn’t kill them, he still feels guilty that he basically caused their deaths.

Also, I incorrectly ID’ed Bae as Khaleesi’s uncle a few times but actually she is his aunt I guess? Sorry to lead you astray! 

[boystownbirdie]

LMRTV4U: Round 2

Welcome to the second edition of Let Me Recommend TV 4 U? This post was created especially for those lost souls who don’t know what to watch next. Also, this post contains NO SPOILERS. So proceed willy-nilly!

Best show you can easily catch up on: The Path

It has recently come to my attention that this show is NOT being watched by everyone. Here’s the deal: Aaron Paul (of Breaking Bad fame, duh) stars as a happily married man who finds out the religion he was a part of is actually kind of a cult a la scientology. Michelle Monaghan is his wife whose family has deep roots in “the movement” and Hugh Dancy is an up-and-coming leader in the faith. It sounds hokey on paper but give it a chance. Maybe it’s my obsession with the Jean Valjean vs. Javert thing all over again but I love when a story doesn’t have a clear villain and when the sincere motives of opposing sides is so clear. Aaron Paul is totally justified in questioning his faith but his wife is also right to believe the “movement” is doing actual good. I love a grey area and this show is full of ‘em

Where can I binge? Hulu- It’s a Hulu original and the first season (only 10 eps long) is available now! Season 2 is coming out as we speak with 1 ep being released per week.

Where to start? Start with season 1, episode 1 or you’ll miss

Skip it if: You’re cult-ed out after Going Clear and the Master and the recent revelation that Tom Cruise is probably responsible for a Trump presidency. http://theslot.jezebel.com/the-scientologists-voted-for-trump-1791558434

#1 reason to watch: The acting is amazing and Aaron and Michelle’s teen son “Hawk” is a Heath-Ledger-look-a-like with all the angst and sexual tension of Heath himself back in the 10-things-I-hate-about-you days

Best comedy that will also have you bawlin’:One Mississippi

Tig Notaro stars in this semi-autobiographical series based on the time period in which the real Tig Notaro suddenly lost her mother, went through a breakup, was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent a double mastectomy, and then had a terrible, ongoing case of c.diff. Sounds hilarious, right? The real gem here is the slowly evolving relationship between Tig and her stepfather which is at times painfully awkward and painfully sweet. And it’s impossible not to imagine the cautiously flirtatious scenes between Tig and her now-wife Stephanie Allynne as re-enactments of their early courtship. (ps: the gif below is NOT from O.M. but still shows Tig and Stephanie together) 

Where can I binge? If you have Amazon Prime it’s on Prime instant video

Where to start? It’s a short series- only 6 eps at 20-something minutes apiece- start with ep 1

Skip it if: You’re not a Tig Notaro fan/ you just don’t like that whole deadpan-thing

#1 reason to watch: If you are a Tig fan, it’s amazing to get a deeper glimpse into this time period that seems to be the worst possible combination of circumstances. It’s a sweet reminder to know that life can get really, really, really shitty and while nothing can replace your loss, you can still find true love, have adorable twins, and do some of your best work as a performer.

Best British import: Fleabag

Similar to One Mississippi, it’s on Amazon Prime, it’s a short 6-episode series, it’s a “comedy” which will leave you in tears (maybe now is the time to tell you that it doesn’t take much to make me cry so take all of this with a grain of salty tears), and it’s about a woman dealing with several recent losses and breakup. Fleabag is a BBC import based off of an award-winning play by star Phoebe Waller-Bridge whose titular character is irreverent, crass, over-indulgent and unexpectedly poignant all at once. It’s kind of like Shameless (but in this case Fleabag is more of a Frank than a Fiona) meets Girls. There’s also a bit of mystery wrapped up in there, too.

Where can I binge?  Amazon Prime instant video

Where to start? Again, only 6 short eps so start with ep 1

Skip it if: You’re easily grossed out by a woman talking frankly about her bodily functions and sexual exploits. Also if you are in the mood for a comedy that WON’T make you cry.

#1 reason to watch: It’s way different than anything else out there and it’s an easy show to power-through in a few hours.

Best new sitcom (no, really!): The Mick

I had my reservations, but I was pleasantly surprised! The Mick stars Kaitlin Olson (who you probably know as Dee from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia) in her first major solo-endeavor. Dee has never been my favorite Sunny character, but this role is perfect for her brand of humor and gives her room to grow away from male-centric Sunny. The plot is a classic fish-out-of-water premise where Olson plays Mickey, an estranged aunt who suddenly finds herself as the guardian of her wealthy, East-coast-elite nephews and niece. Mickey is a hard-drinking, fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants grifter while the Pemberton kids are coddled, country-clubbers. It sounds like sitcom 101 but trust me, it’s with a twist.

Where can I binge? Hulu- new eps are coming out since it’s currently airing on Fox

Where to start? Since only a few eps are out, start with the pilot. But you can jump in anywhere

Skip it if: You’re over the traditional sitcom format or you’re easily offended by a bloody nose

#1 reason to watch: The 3 child (well one is an older teen) actors are all pretty stellar which really makes the show. Plus Olson is perfect in the role and is able to play a more layered character than Sunny has ever allowed.

Best show I really shouldn’t have to be justifying because just watch it: RuPaul’s Drag Race

So if you’ve read my other LMWTV4U posts or you’ve ever met me, this will be the least surprising thing ever. BUT SERIOUSLY this show is so good and if this kind of thing is important to you, it’s a recent Emmy winner for best reality-TV-show host (RuPaul). But to call it a reality TV show is kind of a stretch because the actual best thing about RPDR is how manufactured and self-aware it is. There is, of course, heaps of drama, but everything is served with a wink. RuPaul comes sweeping in to provide a critical eye and guidance in each episode and always leaves the queens with her classic advice “good luck and don’t fuck it up.” Every episode ends with a “Lipsync FOR YOUR LIFE” which results in one queen “sashay-ing away” while the other gets to “shante you stay.” Somehow, among all of the ridiculousness, the show makes room for genuine emotion. The “villains” are eventually encouraged to explore their own insecurities and under-performing artists are given second chances and a helping hand from their competitors. It’s really not like anything else on television and the best part is, season 9 is coming this spring so you still have time to get caught up on past seasons before the new one arrives!

Where can I binge? The show airs on Logotv, which you almost certainly do not have in your cable bundle, but seasons 5-7 are on Amazon Prime and last I checked seasons 6-8 were on Hulu (along with All Stars 2). Also most of the seasons are usually available to stream on logotv’s website.

Where to start? It might be hard to find but I’d really recommend starting with season 3 or 4. You can start anywhere but if you start in later seasons you’ll find out who won previous seasons which can be a bummer. Also, by season 6 and 7 there are already way too many inside jokes and catchphrases from previous seasons to keep up with. Don’t start with season 1 (it’s a completely different show) or All Stars (for obvious reasons).

Skip it if: You hate camp and kitsch and all things drag.

#1 reason to watch: Every single episode ends with RuPaul saying “If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?” followed by an onstage dance party

Best season 2 that you might have given up on but deserves a second chance: Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Maybe you didn’t like Kimmy Schmidt season 1. Maybe you loved it but thought season 2 was too weird and gave up. Or maybe you loved both seasons and, in that case, why are you reading this still? But let me make my case for season 2. Yes it’s way more out-there than season 1, but it contains one of the best instances of my favorite guilty-pleasure of the TV trope world: the musical episode. It’s pretty subtle, but in episode 5, “Kimmy Gives Up,” Titus scores the entire episode with songs from various “forgotten” musicals (aka parodies of Broadway classics from husband-of-Tina-Fey and music producer Jeff Richmond.) My personal favorite is “Just Go On” from “Gangly Orphan Jeff, the ill-fated musical that premiered a week after Annie.” It hilariously mocks “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” while also allowing for Titus to face his fears, Kimmy to begin to mourn her lost love, and for both Lillian and Jacqueline to revel in their parenting abilities (for their kids both literal and of the tenant-sort). Season 2 is less about a woman who missed the last 15 years clumsily learning to live in the modern world of a cartoonish NYC and more about a woman who’s been through trauma coming to terms with her past and trying to find her purpose. Season 2 is more lived-in and where season 1 allowed Titus to point out all of the “things people don’t say anymore,” season 2 finds both Kimmy and Titus bumbling through modernity together, like when Titus eagerly explains the internet as a “series of tubes.” Like my fave show of all time and fellow Tina-Fey-creation, 30 Rock, Kimmy Schmidt strikes a delicate balance between a satire of our society, foolish and off-the-wall characters, and characters facing real-world emotions with tenderness.

Where can I binge? Netflix!

Where to start? I mean it’s a short series so start with season 1, ep 1. But if you need a good intro, start with “Kimmy Gives Up!”

Skip it if: You can’t handle all of the ridiculousness.

#1 reason to watch: Titus, especially in his audition that is NOT for gum, “Your teeth are bones that live outside. They hang from your lips like bats. Oh, outside bones, outside bones. Never forget that teeth are outside bones. They're bones that you wash and when you're a kid they fall from your head. And to make things less weird we say they got stolen by a demon that your parents know. Trident!”

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: The OA, Season 1

Welcome back to let me watch TV for you! Someday Game of Thrones and Drag Race will be back with weekly eps (praying to the gods of George R.R.R.R. Martin and Rupaul) and I’ll be back with weekly posts. For now, though, I’ll be watching other shows/seasons/series for you. Today I’m re-capping the entire season of the new Netflix series, The OA. I know what you’re thinking, WHAT’S THE OA?!?!? Well I can’t tell you yet, but over a series of long conversations in an abandoned house I’ll finally get around to it (that’s a little inside joke for those who watched it). So let’s go!

Also, SPOILERS AHEAD YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

So what’s it about? Here’s as simple as I can make it: A young midwestern woman (Brit Marling, who also co-wrote and co-created the whole project) returns after she’s been missing for almost 8 years. Before she went missing she was blind but now she can see. She decides to tell her life story to a group of 4 teenagers and a teacher (Phyllis from The Office!) so that they can learn her secrets and use them to save the world. She ends up teaching them a pretty cool interpretative dance which they later perform to save their high school cafeteria from a school shooter whose only shot hits Brit which she is actually pretty happy about.

So lets’s break this down chronologically:

Late 80s/Early 90s, Russia: Young Brit Marling (age 6?) is a super rich Russian kid (!?!? yep that’s right) who can totally see. Her mom died in childbirth and her dad is devoted to her but also makes her jump in a freezing lake to teach her to be brave which seems kinda child-endangerment-y to me but who am I to judge? Baby B has bad dreams that make her nose bleed. In one, she is trapped in an aquarium and can’t breathe and sees crayons falling from the sky. She tells her dad and he’s like jump in this freezing lake and you’ll be cured. Spoiler alert, SHE IS! (kind of) 

Then she and her dad eat some raw eggs (because RUSSIA, you guys) and it’s time for her and her rich friends to start school. Her school bus is attacked by the Russian mob to teach the rich people a lesson and it falls into a lake. Baby B and her friends end up trapped in the bus underwater and the whole stuck-in-an-aquarium-falling-crayons-premonition comes true. But since Baby B’s dad taught her how to not freak out when she’s trapped in freezing water, she’s like, ok fellow kids, don’t freak, there’s an opening we can swim through. But the other kids’ dads never made them jump in a freezing lake so they’re like naw dawg. Baby B starts swimming to safety but it’s a loooooong way up. And then grown up Brit (who is telling her story to the teens) is like “All the kids on the bus died that day. Including me.” THAT’S RIGHT Y’ALL SHE DIED.

But then she goes to heaven or like purgatory or something and meets this old gypsy lady who is like girl you died but do you want to be alive again? And Baby B is like yes duh. But the gypsy is like K, but you’re about to experience so much suffering and I can’t bear for you to see it so I’m gonna make you blind. And Baby B is like fair ‘nuf and her dad finds her washed ashore, still alive but blind. Which leads us to our next segment…

Early 90’s, somewhere in America: Blind Baby Brit (BBB) gets sent to school for the blind in America since her dad is worried the Russian mob will attack her again. Her dad calls her on the regs at her school and she plays violin for him. Then she finds out her dad has died (but she doesn’t believe it because he told her he was going to “disappear” to hide from the mob) and she has to go live with her aunt there in America. This aunt is apparently running a baby-selling-business and poor BBB has to care for all the little babes even though she’s a wee one herself and also super blind and sad about going from hero to zero. One day, a very plain couple from Michigan comes through and is about to adopt a little baby boi. But plain-mom finds BBB and is like we gotta take this kid instead, she needs us. And plan-dad is like cool she seems blind but also pretty great.

Early 90’s, Michigan: BBB comes home with plain mom and dad and you have to take your shoes off at their house so don’t even think about walking around in your outdoor shoes! Things are pretty great and they help her learn braille and let her climb and explore the world and they give her the unfortunate name of “Prairie” (which, sorry, nope). But then she starts having those vivid dreams with nosebleeds again and in the dreams she is talking in Russian and like playing with knives and shit so her plain parents are like CALL THE DOCTOR. She sees a shrink and he’s like your daughter is cray cray bananas so let’s give her a bunch of meds. And plain mom is like ummmmmm no? But plain dad is like we gotta do this so they pump her full of pills and she grows up to be… 21-year-old-Brit-Marling.

2000s, Michigan, NYC: 21 year old Brit (21B) has a dream where her dad tells her to meet her at the Statue of Liberty. So she runs away, LEAVES A NOTE (which her mom never bothers to tell the police about) and tries to find her dad. He doesn’t show up at the statue of liberty, so 21B ends up down in the subway stations, playing her violin for cash money. A doctor (played by Draco Malfoy’s dad, you guys!) finds her and is like wow you play violin really well, did you ever die and come back to life? And she’s like YES. So they eat oysters together and he tells her all about his studies where researches people who’ve had near death experiences. And she’s like COOL TAKE ME WITH YOU. So she hops into his private plane and flies to his house/ research lab which is conveniently in the middle of nowhere and that’s what lands us…

2000-2010s, Underground bunker in the middle of nowhere: She gets there and it’s immediately creepy and she’s like hmmm, I don’t hear any traffic and the windows seem super thick and he’s like oh that’s for totally normal reasons, NBD. And then he’s like let me lead you down these stairs that only I have the security code for and into this bunker and, cool, here’s a bed! And she’s like ummm, kinda creepy but ok. And then he locks her in a glass cage and she’s like WHAAAATTTT and then a few other people, also in glass cages, are like ummm calm down. So then she’s trapped down there for the next 7 years. 

During that time, Draco’s dad keeps killing all of his captives and bringing them back to life so they can tell him more about near-death-experiences. Needless to say they don’t share a lot of their info with him since he’s an evil masochist BUT one good thing is that during one of her deaths, Brit gets her sight back! She also falls in love with a fellow captive, Homer, and while they can’t touch each other, they can make googly eyes at each other all day. During the sight-giving death trip, Brit learns a series of motions after the gypsy woman (yep, she’s back!) make her eat a little bird. 

The other captives also learn some motions and together they start practicing this intense, interpretive dance. Unfortunately they need five motions for some reason and they only know four of them. Also at one point one of the fellow captives dies fur realz and Homer and Brit do their 2-part dance and BRING HIM BACK TO LIFE and totally cure him of errything. ALSO Brit finally gets her “OA” name from one of her deaths and it stands for the ORIGINAL ANGEL which is a little heavy-handed if you ask me. OA and her friends think if they can get all 5 motions they will open a portal to another dimension and they can GTFO but they don’t learn the fifth until….

Present day, underground bunker, still: Draco’s dad finally gets caught by his local state trooper who just walks in on him watching a vid of his captives down below one day. But Mr. State Trooper has a wife who is very sick with ALS and Draco’s dad convinces him to let OA and Homer cure his wife in order to hush. So Mrs. State Trooper is lying there and Draco’s dad makes OA and Homer come up from the bunker to do their magic dance for her. It works and when they cure Mrs. State Trooper she is like OMG so glad to see you guys, when I was a kid I had a near-death-experience and I learned the fifth movement and here it is! And OA and Homer and are like cool teach us! So she does and they are super happy and then Draco’s dad runs in there and kills Mr. and Mrs. State Trooper at the same time. Then he grabs OA and knocks her out and takes her to the middle of nowhere so that she and Homer and the others can never complete their motions together. And that’s when she shows up, in the same clothes she’s been wearing for 8 years and is no longer blind and gets sent back to her adoptive parents in Michigan even though she’d rather be underground practicing her dance with her friends.

Present day, Michigan: So OA and her five friends learn all of the motions of the dance and they also become stronger, better, more courageous humans in other aspects of their lives as well. Also, she’s been chatting with this FBI “victims support specialist” guy who is played by Riz Ahmed because he’s in everything these days! And he knows some of her plans but not all of them. Right before they can perfect their dance, OA’s parents freak out and take her away to a hotel for her own safety and her friends are like we gotta save her! 

So one of the teens (French) breaks into her house while she’s gone to try to help her I guess and finds a box under her bed and freaks out because it’s filled with books like Homer’s “The Illiad” and “Near Death Experiences” and “How to Pretend You Were Captured for Eight Years” and shit like that. The weird thing with this is that while French broke into OA’s home and found these books, the FBI guy happened to be there, too, sneaking around in the dark. So while you’re supposed to think that MAYBE OA was lying this whole time, it’s also possible this shady FBI guy planted those books under her bed to discredit her because they sure as hell don’t look like she’s been reading them. Some of the kids find the book-discovery to be more upsetting than others but they’re all a little disappointed. 

OA eventually gets to come back home and is taking writing classes or something and then takes a nap in the bath (which... dangerous) and wakes up and is like OMG I KNOW WHAT I NEED TO DO. Simultaneously, all of the high schoolers are back to their old friend groups in their huge cafeteria and Phylis from the Office is there because she got fired and need to clean out her classroom. The OA runs toward the high school all of the sudden and that’s when the school shooter busts into the cafeteria and the four teens plus Phyllis reluctantly look at each other and then they’re like, LETS DO THIS. 

They get up and perfectly perform their dance and while nothing really magical happens, the shooter is distracted enough for a cafeteria worker to knock the gun out of his hands. And it hits the OA just as she shows up which, again, she is happy about because if she has another near-death-experience she may be reunited with her friends. The series ends with the OA “waking up” in a bright room and saying “Homer”

AND THAT’S ALL, FOLKS. SERIOUSLY that’s how it ends.

My final thoughts: the Good, the Bad and the Ugly:

Good: I love the line when Steve asks her “How did you survive so long down there” and she says “I survived because I wasn’t alone”

Bad: There’s an entire storyline where Draco’s dad takes Homer to Cuba with him to have Homer seduce a Spanish-guitar-playing-lady and he succeeds and OA has to listen to them have sex

Good: The actress who plays baby Brit is amazing, especially considering she has to speak fluent Russian, English and pretend to be blind

Ugly: Steve is such a monster when we first meet him and although he effectively transforms himself, it seems pretty far-fetched that he would change so much

Good: The casting of the kids who play French and Buck is on point, they’re both great young actors

Bad: The storyline with Draco’s dad’s mentor who also has human captives but in the morgue of a hospital is absolutely ridiculous and also how would OA know about it?

Good: Don’t hate but I really like the dance/ series of movements, I think they’re really beautiful and it’s awesome to see them performed by such a diverse group of people throughout the show’s run

Bad: I don’t want to be “that girl” but I work in the mental health field and the whole thing with this-kid-who-recently-experienced-trauma-is-acting-strangely-lets-medicate-immediately-with-no-additional-therapy is just not realistic in the slightest

Good: French works at Olive Garden

Bad: Apparently OA and her plain-mom-and-dad need a reservation to get into Olive Garden?

Good: Homer-OA love story. I’m into it.

Ugly: Most of OA’s outfits when she’s back in Michigan. The sparkly dress over tear-away-Adidas pants are particularly WTF

Bad: So she can speak to snakes and dogs?

Good: Buck performing in choir. Adorbs.

[boystownbirdie]

WTV4U: Series Edition: Mad Men

Welcome back to let me watch TV for you! Since Game of Thrones and RuPaul’s Drag Race aren’t pumpin’ out those new eps these days, I’ve been trying to decide how to best utilize my TV-watching-skills for you. Sooooo.... I've decided that I can watch an ENTIRE SERIES OR SEASON FOR YOU! 

Maybe you just could NOT get into True Detective Season 2. Maybe you heard great things about Oscar Isaac in Show Me a Hero but you forgot about it after Emmy season. Whatever the reason, I want to help you have something to talk to your co-workers about at happy hour and something to bond over with your uncle’s sister-in-law at Thanksgiving this year so you can avoid another discussion about what's ruining America.

What better place to start than the iconic but often slow and meandering series, Mad Men? Let's go!

Oh and in case you haven't figured out by now, SPOILER ALERT!!!! But honestly if you don't know how Mad Men ends by now it might be time to rip off the bandaid.

Let's start with our main characters

Don Draper aka Dick Whitman

Don is good at making people buy stuff but bad at having relationships with anyone. In early seasons, he's married to Betty and they have 3 kids: Sally, Bobby and Gene. Later he is married to former-babysitter/ secretary/ Canadian Megan. In one very traumatizing scene, his daughter walks in on him banging some chick who is not his wife and everyone on earth felt a collective wave of icky-ness. He used to be a poor lil' boy and then went off to war, stole his commander's identity, and started a new life. It served him pretty well as he became very rich and eventually invented Coca Cola. JK he just invented an iconic Coke ad.

Peggy Olson

Peggy starts off as Don's secretary but get promoted to being a copywriter and by the end of the series is basically in charge of a whole team of ad peeps. She is clever and hard-working and does NOT put up with #haters. She had a secret baby in season 1 with Pete because no one knew about birth control back then. Later, she dates a few cool guys but EVERYONE knows she should be with Stan and they end up together in the finale. She is a badass bitch and when we leave her, she is moving into a new company with an Octopus-sex-painting in hand, ready to take names.

Joan Holloway (later Harris)

Joan is the office manager when Peggy first starts and she is famous for a. not taking shit from anybody and b. those curves amiritetho? In the beginning of the series she and Roger are having an affair and later she is married to a super rape-y and un-talented doctor but she secretly has a kid named KEVIN with Roger anyway. In order to land a big car account, she has to sleep with this creepy car-salesman-guy and because of that gets a stake in the company. She later makes a lot of money off of this but for some reason still lives in a studio apartment with her mom and son (doctor guy is off in the "army"). One really badass thing about Joan is that she is one of few people on the show who doesn't get caught up in the latest fashion trend. When everyone else is suddenly rocking horrible sideburns and bright orange mini-dresses, Joan sticks to her figure-flattering, jewel-toned looks that made her iconic.

Pete Campbell

Pete is high-strung and super annoying and he ALWAYS has a bug in his bonnet. He is an accounts guy which means he schmoozes people but he's kinda bad at it. He is married to Allison Brie but he cheats on her with Rory from Gilmore Girls. He and Allison famously have trouble having a baby but then miraculously have a kid who they name Tammy. After she finds out about him and Rory and some other chicks, Allison kicks him out but then later she decides he is rich and social-climb-y-enough for her and they get back together. Notably, an adorable gay co-worker falls in love with him (WHICH, WHY? Pete is not very lovable) and he does NOT  know how to handle that.

Roger Sterling

Roger is Don's friend/boss and later they are part-owners of their ad firm together. He is pretty slimy and has multiple wives throughout the series but his 1TL is Joan (or maybe his first wife Mona?) He is actually a pretty decent guy despite the womanizing and heavy drinking because he pretty much leaves people to their own devices. He gets really into LSD and has some heart attacks throughout the series and at the very end he ends up with Don's mother-in-law (maybe?) at a café in Paris. In a sweet moment toward the end of the series, he serenades Peggy while she roller-skates around an empty office. 

Betty Draper (later Francis)

Betty is married to Don in the beginning of the show, gets divorced and quickly re-married to a politician named Henry, and is super hot and fashun-able. She is a pretty crappy mom and loves to smoke ciggies all the time which becomes a big prob for her when she is diagnosed with lung cancer in the last season. She's like NBD, time to die and her kids (especially Sally) are like ummmm....wut? Although Don cheats on her with heaps o' ladies, the real deal-breaker for her was learning about his secret former life. She later sleeps with Don during their son's boy-scout camping trip and it's actually kind of sweet and nostalgic minus the fact that they're both married to different people. She is notoriously cold but that's because she's descended from Swedish valley people much like Avery Jessup in 30 Rock.

Sally Draper

Sally is just a wee babe when the show first starts and by the end of it she’s a super smart (and sometimes sullen) teen. She basically learns that her mom is a d-bag pretty early on in life and comes to terms with that. She and her dad have a special bond because he realizes she is wise beyond her years and she shares his cynicism about the fragile concept of the American Dream. She is basically the only person who ever stands up to Betty (or Don for that matter) and because of that, most of her saltiness seems justified.

Harry Crane

Harry Crane is just ughghghghghgggghhhh. He is slimy and conniving but also constantly putting his foot in his mouth. In earlier seasons, he seems to be a decent guy, but his good intentions are all for show as the series goes on. He ends up as the head of the new TV division for the ad agency and therefore has job security but no one really likes him. Notably, Megan let's it slip at one point that Don absolutely hates him which is a BFD because Don rarely makes definitive statements about anyone.

Ken Cosgrove

Ken is actually a pretty decent guy. He seems to be the only guy from the entire ad agency world that never cheats on his wife and he lacks the slimy, braggart qualities of most of the men around him. He's married to Bianca from 10 Things I Hate About You and is constantly being pushed by his co-workers to get into business with his well-connected father-in-law. For some reason he doesn't get invited to be a part of one of the many reinventions of the Don-Roger ad agency even after he literally lost an eye for them so he has to go work for his father-in-law in the end. Notably he has a published story in the Atlantic and also does a dance for Don at one point because drugs, you guys. It was the sixties!

Important phrases/ references:

It's a Carousel! 

Arguably Don's most iconic "pitch" (which happens a LOT in advertising, btw) involves the Kodak slide projector which Don successfully rebrands as "a carousel." In a beautiful speech about growing up and coming home to a place filled with love (which are all foreign concepts to Don), he shows pics of him and his cute kids, his lovely wife, and his fake, perfect life while basically repeating the phrase "It's a carousel" a lot. Not to demean the pitch because it is a great one and J. Hamm acts the crap out of it but the constant repetition of the word carousel makes this even more memorable. So if you ever want to over-emphasize a point and you're in a crowd of Mad-Men-fans, just say "It's a carousel." They'll get it.

Not Great, Bob! 

This is my personal fave moment of the series. Not only does it demonstrate how hilarious and childish Pete Campbell truly is, but it captures the sometimes absurd and over-the-top-quality of the show itself. As discussed earlier, Bob, an adorable gay co-worker, falls in love with Pete and is constantly checking in on him, bringing him coffee, and generally being adorable. When Pete has a rough day and Bob asks how he’s doing, Pete responds in typical Pete-fashion with NOT GREAT BOB. 

The lawnmower incident

In season three, the first iteration of the Don/Roger/Pete ad agency is welcoming some British people who bought them. The office is having a going-away party for Joan even though she’s not really going anywhere and Ken happened to land a big Lawnmower account. A cool-new-dude-who-everyone-likes-a-lot is hanging out at the party when one of the usually-uptight secretarys takes a turn on the riding lawnmower. She of course runs over the cool dude’s foot and we get to watch the bloodshed ensue. The best part about this scene is that the British people are like, oh his foot got run over? guess he can’t work for us anymore!?!?

Fat Betty

The actress that plays Betty, January Jones, was pregnant one season and rather than writing her pregnancy into the show or hiding her baby bump using TV magic , Matt Weiner was like FAT BETTY? and just wrote a whole storyline about how this woman, whose main quality is her vanity and selfish-ness, gets fat. It’s a weird plotline since it doesn’t fit at all with this character and she just immediately got thin again with no explanation the following season. 

So HOW DOES IT END?

Betty is dying of lung cancer and IDGAFS and goes back to college. Sally resigns herself to take over the mom duties and makes ammends (kind of) with her family situation. Peggy gets hers and (as noted earlier) walks into the newest iteration of the ad agency as a baller. Also she and Stan FINALLY hookup. Joan gets a job offer from Ken Cosgrove and her boyfriend at the time is not cool with it, so they break up. Roger leaves to run around Paris with Megan’s French-Canadian mom but first leaves a bunch of his will to his son with Joan, Kevin. Pete and Alison Brie and Tammy leave for Kansas to be rich and fancy together. And finally there’s Don...

Don starts acting weird and joins this hippie-group which is very un-Don. He makes a lot of statements about finality to Peggy and everyone is kinda like... please don’t jump off a cliff, man. He also bonds with some other hippies and agrees that he feels unloved, unworthy, and unfullfilled. In the final scene, he is DOING YOGA?!?! Or meditating or something and smiles and this can’t be true but it’s like the first time in 7 seasons that he smiles and he comes up with a GENIUS COMMERCIAL, which is the “Buy the world a Coke” ad. 

I know what you’re thinking, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? 

Well different people have different opinions on this, but to me it’s like DUH THE SHOW IS ABOUT ADVERTISING. We get all these mis-leads that Don is going to change and become a better, more enlightened, fulfilled person but what really makes him happy in the end is advertising. It’s what he’s always been good at and yes, this ad may be more elightened and of-the-times than most of his ads but it still has one main purpose which is DOLLA BILLS. 

Talking points to pretend like you watched the whole series:

"That's very Peggy Olson of her" could be used to describe a woman who is ahead of her time and/or a go-getter in her career field

"Watch out for Dick Whitman over here" would be helpful in describing someone who is about to steal someone else's identity

"It's more of a Peggy-Don type of relationship" for explaining a boss-employee/ mentor-mentee relationship between a man and a woman that is not sexual

"It was like when they found Lane Pryce's body" could describe anything gross or overly macabre or maybe a time when you really examined your own mortality

"I feel like one of the child actors that played Bobby Draper" would be appropriate if you're feeling like you're about to be replaced or constantly at risk of losing your job (apparently because the actress playing your mom doesn't like you)

"It's like when Megan wanted to be an actress" would be a great burn for someone who is following a career/life path that they are clearly not cut out for.

"Calm down, Matthew Weiner" you could say to a friend who is holding your life in his hands by withholding crucial plot details until the last second (sidenote: you could replace Matthew Weiner with George R.R. Martin for a similar effect in a more "Game of Thrones" type of crowd)

Whatever you do, watch out for people who want to debate the similarities of a "Walter White" vs a "Don Draper." These people will trap you in their complex discussion of character details and you are NOT PREPARED. If you must say something, you could say, "well, inherently, Vince Gilligan's approach was to create a protagonist who became a villain while Matthew Weiner's approach was to create a Homer-ian homage to the culture of the 1960's.” And then you RUN AWAY.

Congrats, you are now a Mad Men expert! It's a carousel. 

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S6E10

Holy mother of dragons (see what I did there?) that was a packed episode! SRSLY I feel like GOT has been a very very slow burn for the past six seasons (and sure a bunch of side plots lit up and then died out) but damn last night was straight up explosion after explosion and I do mean that literally and figuratively. No time to waste, let’s jump right in! 

We start with Cersei and BB King (baby King Tommen) in King’s Landing

They’re prepping for Cersei’s trial downtown and BB King had better get there soon to beat traffic! Cersei is taking her sweet time and putting on some sexy scale-y looking number and it’s like, who do you think you are, Khaleesi!?! Next thing you know, it’s time for Queen Makeunder’s bro, Loras, to have his day in court. The religious nutbags who’ve taken over everything basically just force him to confess to being gay and having sex with a bunch of dudes. He’s like the worst crime? This haircut! JK he doesn’t say that. Instead he confesses and then pretends to want to join the religious cult so he can finally GTFO. They’re like sure but hold up let’s carve a star on your face. Queen Makeunder is like hell naw, I did not sign up for this! 

Meanwhile, Cersei and BB King are still stuck in traffic/ haven’t even left yet! Franken-knight stops BB from leaving and then shit starts to get real. First, Lancel Lannister (Cersei’s cousin who she used to bone because she loves incest more than most), now one of the top religious nutbags, heads off with his cronies to drag Cersei to her own trial. He sees a little boy run into a tunnel so OF COURSE HE FOLLOWS HIM?!? The little boy leads him to a room filled with wildfire which is basically this magic green shit that makes everything burn faster. It’s green kerosene but stronger I guess. Lancel gets stabbed by the little boy and while he’s squirming around down there he realizes where he is and that there are a few candles about to light all that kerosene on fire. 

Also meanwhile, the current main Maester in town (which if you’ll recall is like a doctor/librarian/slave of some sort) gets lured into a trap with the #2 Maester (dude who is responsible for Franken-knight) to ALSO GET STABBED BY SOME KIDS. As this is happening, Cersei is just drankin’ her wine on her veranda like NBD. Queen Makeunder realizes it’s a trap and snaps out of her religious phase to tell it like it is. She’s like let’s GTFO of here but before they can leave, the candle/kerosene contraption down under the church is getting down to the wire. Just as cousin Lancel almost blows out the candles, the flame hits the wildfire and BAM. Everyone is dead. Well, everyone except for Cersei and baby King and Franken-knight. And Cersei is all...

Then, poor little baby king, who had to watch all of this go down from his window is like NOPE TOO MUCH I’M OUT. And he literally takes off his crown and walks out the window. It was v sad. Later, Cersei is there for the funeral planning and while she totally freaked out when her evil son died and then was super depressed when her cute daughter died, this time she is like... meh, burn him and spread his ashes over where I burned everyone else up. There’s also some weird torture stuff with the lady who gave her that terrible haircut but honestly, who cares. 

Next, we briefly check in with Cersei’s brother/lover (Jaime) and Walder Frey aka Argus Filch from HP

Remember how they defeated the “Blackfish” a few eps ago and gave the castle back to the Freys? Also, remember how 3 seasons ago there was a thing called “The Red Wedding” that everyone freaked out about? Well at the red wedding, Robb Stark and his wife and his mom Catelyn all got stabbed a lot, along with most of their army during a light-hearted dinner party/wedding thrown at the Frey household. In this scene, Jaime lets Walder Frey aka Filch have it and is like you’re no warrior, you just happen to own an important bridge. And then some cute server girl is making eyes at him and you’re kind of like, is Jaime going to cheat on his sister? 

But instead, the server girl shows up a few scenes later and brings Walder a meat pie which looks pretty gross. Since he’s a super gross dude, he doesn’t seem to care. Then she tells him that she cut up his 2 sons and cooked them in the meat pie and he like ok that is a step too far, ma’am. THEN SERVER GIRL RIPS HER FACE OFF, turns out it’s Arya Stark here to avenge her brother and mom’s death from a few seasons ago.

Filch is like WTF? And then she’s like I’m gonna cut your throat because I am a trained assassin now. THANKS FACE-SWAPPING-CULT-TRAINING-ACADEMY! WORTH EVERY PENNY! And she kills him. 

Now for some lighthearted fun, let’s check in with Sam who’s ready for his first day at school!

He’s ready to train to become the Maester for all the celibate dudes at the ice wall and he brought his girlfriend and her kid because you know what, #CHALLENGEGENDERNORMS! They don’t let him in at first since he’s not the 100-year-old-dude they were expecting, but finally they’re like you can hang out in the library but just SHUSSSHHH. And he’s like kewl and then he sees this amazing huge-ass library and sheds a tear because he #lovesbooks. And I’m like you know what, I feel you Sam. 

Next up, we have Bae and Sansa at Winterfell

They’re living their #wintertruth and loving the cold weather as evidenced in the gif above. Bae gets caught up in some #drama when No-knuckles finally confronts the red witch lady about burning his fave little-lady, Princess Shireen, a few seasons ago. No-knuckles is like, listen Bae, I know this witch brought you back from the dead but she also burned an 11-year-old-girl alive so let’s kill her please? And Bae is like naw dawg, let’s just send her South and tell her that if she ever comes back she is in big trouble. 

Then, Bae and Sansa have a nice little scene where they’re both being overly polite about who did a better job fighting this most recent battle. He’s like listen you are a real Stark and I’m just a Snow (more on that later) so I’ll take the guest bedroom. And she’s like no no no, you totes did a great job with your sword, you take the master. And back and forth like that forever. But underneath the politeness is also some resentment-more on that later. 

Sansa has to spend some time with Lil’ Finger who is like you’re welcome for riding in with the army and saving your butts will you please marry me now? And she’s like bitch, please. No. 

Of course we catch up with everybody’s favorite queen, Khaleesi

And sadly she has to break up with hottie sidepiece which is truly one of the most tragic plot lines that I’ve had to deal with in GOT history. He’s like IDC if I’m your sidepiece, I wanna come with you! But Khaleesi is like nope you gotta stay here and “rule” Dragon-ville which has been nothing but a headache thus far. Then, she gets a cute little scene with Tyrion who apparently instigated the whole breakup from behind the scenes. And then Khaleesi is like ok I trust you now will you be the “Hand of the Queen,” which is basically like Vice President but with more influence. And he is super jazzed about it and is like DUH, SURE. 

Before we move on, let us remember hottie sidepiece and Khaleesi in simpler times:

Next, we make a quick pit stop in Dorne because everyone almost had finally gotten that terrible subplot out of our collective memory...

Queen Makeunder’s badass grandma shows up in Dorne to meet with the “Sand Snakes” (ugh that name) and talk to the head Dornish lady (who is serving us her best Kris Jenner) about how much they hate Cersei. I guess grandma badass already found out about her son and granddaughter and grandson getting blown up and is not too happy about it. Kris Jenner is like have you considered revenge? Next thing you know sleeve-y shows up and just says “Fire and Blood” which the savvy viewer will recognize as a reference to Khaleesi since that is her house motto. Basically Sleeve-y is like, want revenge? Support Khaleesi and she will take down Cersei. 

Next we check in with Bran and his Zombie Uncle waaaaay up North

And Zombie Uncle unfortunately can’t take him all the way to the ice wall due to zombie-ness so poor Bran and his traveling buddy Meera get dropped off at a nearby tree. Bran decides to do some quick warg-ing before the last leg of their journey and he jumps back to the past to see what his dad, Ned Stark, was up to a few decades ago. What he finds out is the confirmation of the worst-kept secret/ theory of GOT history, the R+L=J theory. Want to know more about that? Here’s a cheat sheet:

20-30 years ago, Khaleesi’s dad was the king of EVERYONE and he was called the “mad king” because he loved to burn ppl alive. His son, Rhaegar (Khaleesi’s older bro) fell in love and/or kidnapped Ned’s sis Lyanna who was engaged to this dude Robert. Robert was not happy so he and Ned went to war to get Lyanna back and also remove the crazy guy from power.  They got Jaime to stab the crazy king and they won the war/rebellion against crazy king and killed all the Targaryen’s (Khaleesi’s fam) that they could find. Rob got to be king and he married Cersei and they let Ned run the North part of the country because #yolo. Toward the end of the war, Ned was finally able to rescue his sis from this tower but turns out she was actually preggers up there and the father of that baby was almost definitely Rhaegar. She tells Ned to keep her bb safe and never tell anyone that he’s the son of a Targaryen or even her son for that matter because he would surely be killed. So Ned brought the bb back with him and pretended like it was his “bastard son” that he had with some lady down South. And that “bastard” grew up to be Jon Snow aka Bae. So this means that Bae is not only half-Stark (like we always thought) but actually a TARGARYEN which means he is technically the heir to like everything on earth/GOT world. So he and Sansa are actually cousins. And Khaleesi is actually his aunt. Honestly yhe family dynamics go on and on. The most important thing to know is that this is a Big F-ing Deal and means that Bae is even Bae-er than before.

Got all that? So now Bran (and all of us audience members) knows the truth about where baby Jon Snow came from. 

That brings us back to Bae, again...

He and Sansa are meeting with all their battle pals and EVERYBODY’S FAVORITE LEADING LADY, LYANNA MORMONT, gets up to speak. She’s like IDC if he’s a “bastard,” Jon Snow is my Bae and let’s all promise to serve him forever and ever thank you amen. And Bae is sittin’ there all bashful. And then more rulers get up to pledge their allegiance to Bae and one by one they’re all like “The King of the North” and deciding then and there to have Bae be their King. This is especially scary because this is almost the exact scene that occurred back with Robb Stark in like season 2 before he and all his buddies got stabbed a lot. So it’s a little worrisome, and Sansa is just sitting there like... nobody gonna ask me? K, cool. And then she and Lil’ Finger are looking at each other across the room all suspicious-like. 

Finally, let’s check in with Cersei again who is rid of all of her enemies thanks to blowing them up

Since her last living son is dead and she is the “Queen Regent,” she decides that she is the actual 100% Kween these days and hell no, she does not need a King. Her bro/lover shows up to see her sit on the Iron Throne itself and he looks WORRIED (as he probably should be). So even though she still has that not-great pixie cut, this bitch is QUEEN OF THE F-ING WEST SIDE OF GOT-WORLD. And even though she is the worst person ever, it’s still a major win for the ladies. 

Speaking of ladies, we check in again with our ACTUAL FAVE KWEEN, Khaleesi

She, along with previously-traumatized-Theon, Theon’s sis and all of her wet-pile-of-rocks-soldiers, and all of the horse people are headed straight for Cersei. Oh and Tyrion and sleeve-y and Greyworm and her interpreter are there too. I don’t really understand traveling distance in GOT world but normally it would take them like 2 seasons to get to Cersei, so we’ve got some time to kill. That being said, this entire episode would have taken up 2 seasons if this were an earlier season, so WHO CAN NEVER BE SURE!?!? Either way, Khaleesi is coming for you, Cersei and Bae (her nephew!) so watch out. 

Ok Bullet Points:

Important dudes who’ve died this season: Dornish Prince and Son, Theon’s dad, Ramsay’s dad, Hodor, 3-eyed Raven, The Blackfish, Ramsay, Rickon Stark, Loras Tyrell, Daddy Tyrell, The High Sparrow, Maester Pycelle (sp?), Uncle Lannister, Lancel Lannister, Walder Frey

Living hotties this ep: Loras (minus the haircut and recent torture), hottie side piece (we will miss you) and of course Bae

Biggest surprise: Honestly I did not see Tommen’s jump-out-the-window coming, RIP Tommen

Biggest let-down: Srsly, they had Lyanna whispering to Ned in that flashback scene? At this point we already know the secret (R+L=J is real) so why keep hiding it?

PHEW THAT WAS SO MUCH STUFF! Thanks for your patience, I forgot to hit save last night and lost most of my original draft so it took a little longer than normal. Thanks so much for reading and let me know what shows you’d like me to watch for you next. I’ve got some time to kill before GOT and/or RPDR returns! 

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S6E9

Welcome back to Let Me Watch TV For You? This week’s ep of GOT only focused on 2 locations but damn if we didn’t get a lot of bae bein’ bae and khaleesi bein’ khaleesi realness! Let’s dive right in! (I know you shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition but honestly how else could I have phrased that? Get off my back internal grammar police). ALSO SPOILER ALERT!!!!!

First up, we have Tyrion and Khaleesi in Dragon-ville

And they are serving up some much needed comic relief. As you may remember from last week, Khaleesi showed up just in time to save her city from the people who wanted slavery back. She was PISSED at Tyrion for running her town badly and causing all of this havoc but T was like I was busy working on your next album while you were off flying around on your dragon. And she was like well now that me and my dragon are back, we’re just gonna burn erry’body up. And T is all- naw dawg, your crazy dad (The Mad King who famously was killed by T’s bro, Jamie) was super into burning everyone, everywhere and look where that got him. So Khaleesi is like, ok boo I got a plan. 

So the slavers are still knockin’ at Dragon-ville’s door and Khaleesi rolls up with her crew to have a little meeting with the enemy. They’re like haha we gonna take you over and sell all your friends back into slavery and she is like NOPE I AM A KWEEN BITCHES. 

And she hops on her main dragon and somehow also gets her 2 previously-trapped-in-a-vault dragons out of there and starts blowing fire all over the slavers’ ships. Meanwhile, all over the city these dudes in masks who are hired by the slavers are stabbin’ all of Khaleesi’s citizens. So the HORSE-PEOPLE ROLL UP and are led by WHO ELSE, HOTTIE SIDE PIECE and start killing all of the mask guys. And then Khaleesi’s crew (but mainly T) are like how you like us now? And they kill 2 out of the 3 slaver-leaders and then ask all of the slavers’ soldiers (who are slaves themselves) if they wanna be free and the soldiers are like yes plz bai and they gtfo of there. 

A few scenes later, once Khaleesi has presumably had time to check all of her emails (and obtained a HAWT NEW OUTFIT) previously-traumatized-Theon and his sis show up. WHAT??!!? They got there so quickly considering they only left their wet pile of rocks a few eps ago. They brought a bunch of ships, which Khaleesi needs if she wants to sail over to Kings-ville but are like plz watch out for our uncle-crazy-pants he spit up a bunch of sea-water and now he thinks he’s all that. And Khaleesi is like umm ok so all you want in return is for me to recognize Theon as King of the wet-pile-of-rocks? And they are like LOL BITCH DON’T YOU KNOW? His sis, Yara, is the undisputed KWEEN, just like you. And then she and Yara are like yaaaassssss kweeeeeen and they shake on it. 

Oh, also, they are like watch out for our uncle-crazy-pants, he’s headed this way and he wants to bone you. And then Khaleesi makes a joke about how she doesn’t need to worry about that with this crew and Yara is like GIRL, YOU DON’T KNOW MY SEXUAL PREF I WOULD BONE YOU FOR DAYZ. 

Our next plot takes place at Winterfell, where Sansa and Bae are preppin’ to take down psycho-ex-hubby

Need a refresher to know why you should care about this battle? If you’ll recall, psycho-ex-hubby, aka Ramsay, has taken over Sansa and Bae’s hometown of Winterfell. Bae is technically a bastard and therefore doesn’t really have a claim to Winterfell, but Sansa is a full-blown Stark. So is their youngest bro Rickon who just showed up with Tonks from Harry Potter and is being held captive by Ramsay. Sansa and Bae have gathered up all of their pals to help get back their hometown, mostly by telling them that the ice-zombies are coming for them and they need to be a united front to fight those guys. Ramsay is a Bolton and their whole thing is “flaying” where they take someone’s skin off and then hang them upside down on an X made of wood and burn them. It’s super messed up but Ramsay is a super-messed-up-kinda-guy. If they get Winterfell back it is A. Good because then the North is theoretically gonna be more prepared against the ice-zombies and B. The Starks have been hiding/trying not to get killed for 6 seasons now so the idea that they could openly retake and hold their HOMETOWN/CASTLE? That’s a BFD. 

Back to our ep- Bae, Gingerbae, No-Knuckles (NK), Sansa, and our fave character, Lady Lyanna (baby kween of Bear Island) show up for a quick pre-battle meet and greet with Ramsay and co. Nothing really happens except that Ramsay smiles really creepily a lot and Bae is like why don’t you and me just fight? And Ramsay is like hell no you’re clearly better at fighting than me. 

Then, Bae and Co. go back to their tents to strategize some more. Long story short, they don’t have enough men and Sansa is like y’all did NOT THINK THIS THROUGH. And Bae is like Ramsay doesn’t seem so bad and she’s like BITCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA. And then NK and Gingerbae have a cute little scene where Gingerbae is like wanna have a drink wit me to prep for the battle? And NK is like naw I’ll just walk around and poop my pants due to #nervous. And then NK happens upon the very site where his fave lil’ lady, Stannis’ daughter, who had the same turning-to-stone-disease as Stoney but only on her face, was burned alive by Stannis and the Red Witch Lady. And he knows that she was burned alive because she brought her cute lil’ deer figurine that NK made for her and he finds it in the ashes. Also, Bae stops by the Red Witch Lady’s tent and is like plz don’t resurrect me again it’s #toomuch. 

Before you know it, it’s BATTLE TIME

Since Ramsay is super messed up, he decides to send baby Rickon running across the battlefield to Bae before the battle even starts. Bae starts riding his horse across the field to grab his bro but Ramsay is also shooting arrows at him. Right before Bae scoops up his bro, Ramsay shoots him with an arrow and then BAM THE BATTLE STARTS.

I’ll give you the play-by-play:

Bae and Co. ride up on horses to meet Ramsay’s dudes (also on horses) while Ramsay’s dudes also shoot a bunch of arrows willy-nilly into the battle. 

Bae is all about that hand-to-hand combat and is takin’ down dudes left and right. Meanwhile, Ramsay is just watching from his horse.

Team Bae is super out-numbered and ends up getting forced into a pit where one wall is made up of dead bodies and then all around the rest of the pit are Team Ramsay dudes with giant shields and pokers. 

Gingerbae gets poked a lot, as does their Giant pal

Bae gets stuck in a very unfortunate mosh pit and can’t breathe, but eventually pulls himself up only to realize Team Bae is SCREWED and not getting out of there

AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE Team Lil’Finger (who is definitely the person Sansa wrote to a few eps ago to ask for more soldiers) rides up.

Team Lil’ Finger (who is also #teambae now) rides in and wipes out all of Team Ramsay, effectively freeing Team Bae from their pit

Sansa is on her horse watching with Lil’ Finger at her side and I’m like, I guess she forgives him for leaving her with Ramsay a few seasons ago?

Bae spots Ramsay heading back to the gated area of Winterfell so he, along with Gingerbae and the Giant run to catchup with him

The Giant breaks down the door and Bae and Gingerbae run in and start taking out Ramsay’s dudes

Eventually it’s just Bae vs. Ramsay and Ramsay starts shootin’ arrows at a v. muddy and bloody Bae 

But Bae is unfazed and he just shields himself and keeps walking toward Ramsay. He is obvi way stronger and better at fighting so he immed. takes him out and starts beating him up real bad. But then he looks over and Sansa is standing there and he’s like, whoops, I’ll let you finish this one off. Before that, though, BAE AND SANSA WON!!!! They get back their home. Sadly, their bro and the Giant are both dead (along with a lot of soldiers) but they are feelin #blessed about being home again. They even get to take down the Bolton banners and put up the Stark banners, yay!!!

Finally, it’s Sansa’s revenge... She heads over to see Ramsay who is STILL SMILING ALL CREEPY EVEN THO BAE SMASHED HIS FACE IN. He’s like you won’t kill me, you’re too nice and Sansa is like LOL watch me. And since he previously mentioned that he hadn’t fed his dogs in a week and they’re pretty hungry, she lets them loose. And he’s like, naw they’re loyal they won’t eat me. And she’s like oh really? And then a dog bites his face off. And Sansa walks away like...

Bullet Points:

Important dudes who’ve died this season: Dornish Prince who can’t walk, Dornish Prince’s son, Theon’s dad, Ramsay’s dad, Ramsay’s bb brother, celibate guys who were mad at Jon Snow, Hodor, 3-eyed Raven, The Blackfish, the Giant, Ramsay, Rickon Stark

Living hotties this ep: DUH BAE and also hottie side piece

Biggest surprise: Theon and Yara made it to Dragon-ville that fast?

Biggest let-down: Sansa has to ask her creepy-pseudo-uncle (Lil’Finger) for help, which will surely come with strings attached.

What a rare ep of GOT in which most of our fave people lived and most the bad guys died, George R.R.R.R.R. Martin may be turning into an optimist! Thanks for reading and don’t forget to subscribe/ tell your friends!

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S6E8

Welcome back to LET ME WATCH TV 4 YOU? The blog where I watch tv shows so that you don’t have to! This week A LOT happened in GOT world so let’s dive in. 

SPOILER ALERT.....

Let’s check in with Arya and her new BFF, Queen Pixie Cut! (jk it’s the actress who plays QPC)

Arya got stabbed real bad last ep and none of the wounds seemed like an easy fix, so it was surprising to see that she was quickly healed by her actress BFF. Actress BFF is like come sail with my acting troupe and Arya is like naw dawg, I’m going to the “unknown lands” to which I was like BITCH DO WE REALLY NEED ANOTHER LOCATION/ EXPANDED PLOT LINE? We can barely handle what we’ve got now. 

But worry not, Arya is quickly healed with a good night’s sleep during which her actress BFF is unfortunately climbing on her chair on her tippy toes which NEVER ENDS WELL and is somehow killed/dismembered by Arya’s nemesis from the face-swapping cult. Face-swapping nemesis (FSN) is like time to die and Arya is like, not today satan #biancadelrio and also how dare you kill my new BFF? So FSN starts chasing Arya all over Braaavvvoos and a very exciting chase ensues.

Arya falls down a flight of stairs/fruit and her internal bleeding (which was not fixed by her BFF since she’s not a doctor) starts up again and she crawls into a dark basement. FSN catches up to her and walks into the room and closes the door. BUT REMEMBER HOW ARYA WAS TEMPORARILY BLINDED AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS SEASON? Thanks to FSN’s training montages, Arya got real good at fighting blind so as soon as FSN comes at her, she uses her secret hidden sword (hi, needle, we missed you!) to slice out the candle and FIGHT IN THE DARK. Do you get it? Because FSN has never had to fight blind before so she’s ill prepared! What happens next? You’ll have to wait until the end of this review...ooohhh drama, intrigue... I’m doing it.  

Next we have the Hound who is still mad about what went down in his Amish settlement last episode

He is out for revenge just like the girl from Everwood. First he axes 4 dudes who are right in the middle of a kissing lesson. Then, he happens upon the leaders of the Brotherhood Without Banners (BWB) who he met a few seasons ago when he chopped off one of their arms and it got glued back on by magic. BWBs are all about the “Lord of Light,” or LOL, which is the same religion that brought bae back from the dead. LOL is also ALL THE RAGE in Khaleesi-ville, but more on that later. 

So apparently, the dudes who went ham on those poor Amish people were part of BWB but were totally out of line in that Amish massacre. The BWB leaders are about to hang the last of the very dudes that the Hound wants revenge on and he’s like nope I wanna kill em. They let him hang 2 of the dudes for his troubles and then he sits down to a nice meal. Also we see his peen mid-pee which is the second flaccid wang this season BUT WHOSE COUNTING? BWB wants the Hound to join them and he’s like nawwwww.....but ok I guess? I don’t know I don’t think he ever really said yes but it was implied. 

On to Tyrion and Co. in Dragon-ville

Tyrion says a heartfelt goodbye to Sleeve-y to which I say, good riddance! But I guess Tyrion is feeling lonely without him so he tries to make Grey Worm and Khaleesi’s #1 Gurl drink with him and tell jokes. They’re both like ummm... what is a joke? And then #1 Gurl kind of gets the hang of it when BAM their shores in dragon-ville are attacked by all the slavers who want slavery back. It’s not looking good for them and Grey Worm is like, we have to just keep this pyramid as our stronghold and hide out here and then BAM the pyramid gets hit. All of Khaleesi’s dudes are like here we go, time to fight, and they open up the door to the scenic veranda and DUHHHH IT’S KHALEESI.

And she. looks. pissed. I guess after her Beyonce moves a few eps ago, she took off on her dragon to head back home and the dragon-landing was the sound that spooked everyone. She doesn’t say anything before the scene cuts, but her face was all now-what-did-y’all-f-up-while-I-was-gone. But a really cute part about this scene was that all her soldier guys were ready to fight before they opened up the screen door and then they immediately were like NOPE SORRY IT’S BEY and they all #bowdownbitches.

Next, we check in with Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) and her son, the BB King

The head of the current cult that’s all the rage in her town wants her to pay him a little visit and she is like BITCH I CAN’T LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH MY HAIR LIKE THIS AGAIN. Her cousin who she used to bang is there with his new haircut too but he is all about the cult and has even cut a weird symbol into his face Manson-style. She’s like I’m not going with you, boo and he’s like, well then me and my cult friends will throw down with our weird-ass weapons. She is NOT HAVING IT so she orders her Franken-knight (who if you’ll recall is the Hound’s bro) to scare them off. He kills one of the cult minions in some terrifying way so they all scurry off. 

Later, she walks into the throne room and it is exactly like that scene in Mean Girls when Lohan walks into the gym and everyone stops talking and just stares at her. She’s like hey hunny, to her son, and he’s like STOP EMBARRASSING ME, MOM. And she has to go sit with the other moms up in the balcony. Then BB King announces that his mom’s trial, along with Queen Makeunder’s bro (who is in jail for being gay which is super shitty) will be like, next week. And then he says that they won’t have trial by combat, which means that she can’t just use her Franken-knight to squeeze someone’s eyeballs out again. So basically she is f-ed and will probs have to get the hell out of there just like her little bro Tryion did after his trial. 

Next, we have out very special Reunion at Riverrun!

So Sansa’s badass Lady-knight and her well-endowed Squire show up at Riverrun to ask Sansa’s great-uncle, the Blackfish, to help out Sansa and Bae up north. Her best frenemy, Jamie, is there and they get a v. cute reunion. Bronn and Pod also get a cute reunion as well in which Bronn reminds us of Pod’s magic wang and Pod reminds us that no one is having sex this season so stop asking. Basically, Jamie and Lady-knight have the same goal which is to #freewilly aka the Blackfish but for very different reasons. He gives her a chance to go in and give Freewilly his letter from his niece. He’s like, this is cute, but no. 

So Jamie tries his tactics to get Freewilly out of his tank, which is to convince Uncle Ed (Catelyn’s bro who survived the Red Wedding but then was held captive) to Free Willy from the inside. Ed is like no way, but then Jamie is like I luv my sister very much (almost too much if you catch my drift) and I know you loved your sis Catelyn too. And then Jamie makes a sharp turn and is like “so basically if you don’t help us infiltrate this castle I will throw your baby who you magically conceived on #redweddingnight at the castle. And Ed is like no thanks plz don’t catapult my child.

SO Uncle Ed walks up to the castle, which is technically his and not the Blackfish’s since he is the rightful heir to Riverrun, and asks to be let in. They have to let him in because of #rules and Blackfish is like noooooooooo it’s a trap. Then Ed walks up to the front of the balcony and is like ok now put down your weapons and let Jamie and co. in to take over this castle. Oh, also, kill my uncle? Meanwhile, Ladyknight makes a last ditch effort to convince Willy to swim away with her back to Sansa and Bae and he is like, naw, gotta die fighting. So The Blackfish aka Free Willy apparently dies fighting offscreen (but we never see it so WHO CAN NEVER BE SURE) and Jamie and the Lannister/Frey armies take back Riverrun while Ladyknight and Pod float away in a canoe. 

Finally, we have the conclusion to our dramatic Arya scene this week...

SHE LIVES! AND KILLS HER FACE-SWAPPING-NEMESIS CHICK! Weirdly, just like with the Blackfish scene, the death is off camera. But we’re pretty sure FSN is fo-sho-dead because Arya sticks her face up on the wall of faces without the eyes all stabbed out. And then she confronts her mentor and she’s all, you sent that bitch to kill me? And he’s like ya, so what? And she’s like you are the worst mentor ever. And he’s like but you did a good job, you are finally “no one.” And she’s like I’m Arya Stark, bitch, remember my name. Also, ps I’m going home. To which I was like #yasskweenyaasss! 

Bullet Points:

Important dudes who’ve died this season: Dornish Prince who can’t walk, Dornish Prince’s son, Theon’s dad, Ramsay’s dad, Ramsay’s bb brother, celibate guys who were mad at Jon Snow, Hodor, 3-eyed Raven, The Blackfish

Living hotties this ep: I guess Jamie Lannister and like, Pod? IDK?

Biggest surprise: KHALEESI IS BACK!!!!!

Biggest let-down: We don’t get to see The Blackfish’s last fight to the death- he deserved a badass fighting scene!

I think that’s everything but this was a PACKED EPISODE so maybe I missed some stuff? Anyway join me next week for the Battle of Bae vs. Psycho! Thanks for reading and don’t forget to subscribe/ tell your friends!

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S6E7

Welcome back to let me watch tv for you? Thanks for allowing me to watch all the TV for you it has truly been an honor. This week on GOT we got the return of one of the least-compelling characters ever and also the introduction of one of the most bomb-ass characters ever so it was a MIXED BAG if you know what I mean. Let's go!

SPOILER ALERT DUUUUUHHHH 

Forgoing the traditional map-and-overature opening we get on GOT, instead we open on a quaint Amish town where villagers have joined together for a barn-raising ceremony

But lest we get too comfortable in pleasant-ville, George R.R. Martin would like to remind you that "the Hound" (who we haven't seen since Arya left him for a dead in a field so she could join the face-swapping-cult) is STILL ALIVE. Amish Hound has all the facial marking of Hound 1.0 but is still as non-verbal and table-manner-less as ever. He's living the Amish life these days and instead of fighting, is using his strength to chop wood and lug around wood and mostly do wood-based activities. He's made friends with a jovial town leader/ preacher who gives a cute speech about the nature of religion and then is rudely interrupted by the "Brotherhood Without Banners" (BWB) who have been roaming the neighborhood stealing money/weapons/food from other Amish people I guess? Preacherman is like step off, BWB we are just a peaceful Amish-like settlement but you can have sum dinner here as that is the Amish way. BWB smirks and then rides off. Later, Amish Hound is, WHAT ELSE, chopping wood and hears some screams and finds out that all of his Amish friends and especially preacherman have been murdered by BWB.

Wondering who "The Hound" is? Remember Queen Pixie Cut's Franken-knight who follows her around and gives off a general terrifying-ness? The Hound is his brother! The Hound used to be a bodyguard for King Joffrey (baby King's older bro) and then ran off when Joffrey's antics just got to be #teamtoomuch. He kidnapped (?) Arya and tried to trade her in for some $ but instead ended up witnessing the Red Wedding, a BWB ceremony where this dude came back to life (much like Bae) and was attacked by Sansa's #ladyknight before being left for dead. Why should you care about him? Apparently his bro Franken-knight is getting ready to fight for the defense of QPC and he's going to be called in as the public defender, basically.

Meanwhile, in King's Landing...

Queen Margaery is still in her #makeunder phase and gets chastised by the church for not putting out now that she's religious. She goes to talk to her badass g-ma who is like BITCH THAT TOP THO? And Queen Makeunder is like I’m super religious now g-ma but you should get out of here and go back to flower-ville where you belong. Then Makeunder slips g-ma a secret note which is just a drawing of a flower which is their house symbol so I guess she’s trying to say #Tyrell4Lyfe but I’m like you could have written ANYTHING on that piece of paper. Then Queen Pixie Cut gets herself a new a-hole after G-ma Tyrell rips hers clean out. 

Next, Bae and Co. are looking for some new friends...

And it is not easy to make friends in the real world y’all. First up on the #friendtour is GINGERBAE and his wildling pals who at first are like naww dawg this is not what we agreed to and then later change their tune after the actual mega-giant guy just says “Snow” and walks away. That was pretty unclear to me since he could have been talking about the actual snow on the ground or like about the person he plans to kill next but I guess what it really means is that he’s #teambae. 

Next up we meet the BEST NEW CHARACTER EVER, Lady Lyanna of Bear Island

This girl will NOT let the fact that she is 10 years old get in the way of her dreams. She is a complete badass tiny ruler and totally in charge of a beautiful island named after Bears. She’s somehow related to Khaleesi’s friend Stoney as well as the previous Commander of Celibate Dudes, Santa Clause. Santa was really nice to Bae and even gave him a sword that was supposed to be Stoney’s but Stoney was too busy being a pirate. Queen baby bear is NOT having it from Bae or Sansa but she does allow No-knuckles to sweet talk her. No-knuckles was previously BFF with a 10-year-old girl in the form of Stannis’s daughter who got burned alive #RIP, so he knows what he’s doing. I know this sounds like a truly creepy plot but I promise it’s not and it never was. Queen baby bear agrees to let her 62 soldiers fight for #teamBae. 

Bae and Sansa stop by another castle in the middle of nowhere and aren’t so lucky. “House Glover” is all call me Childish Gambino now and despite Sansa’s strong-arming will not be persuaded. 

Later, as all of Sansa and Bae’s troops are busy trying to kill each other, Bae is like k kewl let’s fight your psycho-ex-hubby! Sansa is like Bae aka half-bro (but probably cousin) U R crazy we don’t have enough soldiers. So she sneaks off and writes a letter, probably to her creepy-psuedo-uncle but honestly IDK who cuz we didn’t get a peek. 

Next, we have Jamie and our old pal Bronn who is still recovering from the “You want a good girl, but you need a bad pussy” line reading of Season 5

They’re here to shake up the Blackfish and set him as free as Free Willy himself but also kill him. Remember the Blackfish is the great-uncle to the Stark kids and although he is quite old, he also IDGAFs everything. Jamie and the Frey boys (Argus Filch’s sons) are like we’re gonna kill your nephew... R  U scared? And Blackfish is like lol kill him, who cares! Then he and Jamie have a meeting and Blackfish finds out Jamie is not as hot as he was promised and is “dissapointed” but I’m like listen Blackfish it’s hard to stay cute out in these harsh weather conditions give him a break!

Next up we have Previously-traumatized-Theon and his Sister...

..who we learn this week is a Lesbian! Maybe we already knew this, but it was news to me and I was a. not surprised and b. like yaaass kween live ur truth. She is flirtin with these ladies and she and Theon are in hiding from their Uncle-Crazy-Pants and I guess her plan is to go see Khaleesi and try to jump on that bandwagon? She and Theon get a nice little moment when she’s basically like, I know your dick got cut off, but so did mine (figuratively) and I’m still a baller so sack up dude. And he’s like K. 

Lastly, we check in on Arya who is ready to get the hell out of the face-swapping-cult

But it’s not that easy. She books an airbnb on a ship back home and is skipping along when out of NOWHERE her frenemy from back in the cult days shows up as a super old lady (because of the face swapping) and is like “how’s it going sweetie?” and then straight up starts stabbing. Arya manages to escape into the water but not before some serious internal bleeding and she ends her scene walking the streets bleeding everywhere. GET BETTER SOON PLZ!!! 

Bullet Points:

Important dudes who’ve died this season: Dornish Prince who can’t walk, Dornish Prince’s son, Theon’s dad, Ramsay’s dad, Ramsay’s bb brother, celibate guys who were mad at Jon Snow, all the horse-kings, Hodor, old-tree-guy, a bunch of Amish people

Living hotties this ep: Bae and Gingerbae and I guess Jamie Lannister 

Biggest surprise: ARYA WUZ STABBED?

Biggest let-down: Queen Makeunder is really not bringing the fashion game this season. Plus the HOUND, REALLY? 

Conclusion: This season has been about 2 things: religious uprisings/ zealots and LADIES (of all ages) in power.