Just thinking about Julian and nightmares again, but also, about the nature of what Julian went through at fifteen, and how really, tremendously big it was.
Because, like, in the course of one conversation having your entire identity altered and strictly defined by the knowledge of what your parents had done, but also having your future drastically shortened to the inevitable point at which someone finds out about you?
And then, being reminded of that fear of discovery with every single thing you do? Every single choice you make? Like - how long did that take to learn to cope with? Because every single action at the very least has the possibility - the likelihood - that he'd do it differently if he wasn't enhanced, if he would have done it at all.
And just, each little trauma piling up on top of the heap of Big Trauma, and even the way he reacts to it all - whether he erupts in angry outbursts at his parents, whether he hides away in his room making himself as small as possible, whether he figures he'll try and see if drinking helps him forget the way it seems to in books - his coping mechanisms and trauma symptoms alike will also be laced with the thoughts of "My anger is a manifestation of my augmentations", or "Everything sounds too loud because my hearing is enhanced", or "I bet no-one else getting drunk is working out the odds of how fast they'll get there to the last second".
And he can't ever, ever, speak to another person to unpack these feelings for seventeen years. He can't even imagine it, because the idea of anyone finding out is inherently the opposite of comforting! Instead, he has to push it down and repress it as much as he can because no-one else can even know or suspect that he *is* traumatised, much less why - he's supposed to be your average Federation citizen with little to no emotional baggage, pre-Starfleet...
So yeah. I'd bet everything that Julian has nightmares pretty much every night, because there's no other way for his brain to process that much trauma.
And I'm starting to wonder at what point his enhancements stop being able to keep up with the constant stress his body is put through, and a whole host of unignorable physical symptoms start to show up and make themselves very loudly known.
yousharknotpass
vaporwave
baratheonpilled
kaledo-art
areudirty
tangentwithtanner
stormborns
