BPD Black Cat

I got BPD and this is my woe is me vent blog Block if you must

[bpd-black-cat]

When you have a “boyfriend” but yet sit and wish that someone would make out with you cuz your own “bf” won’t…

[bpd-black-cat]

When you lie and repeat to yourself “I have a roommate not a boyfriend” over and over again just so it hurts a little less

[bpd-black-cat]

I don’t even listen to the band and yet I had to pay for the plane tickets and now my ENTIRE FUCKING PAYCHECK I GOT LAST NIGHT IS GONE!!!!!! I PAY RENT AND MY OWN BILLS AND NOW THIS?!?!?!?! HELL I PAY FOR FOOD MOST OF THE TIME!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?! I CANT FUCKING DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!

[bpd-black-cat]

I just wanted to come home after a long at work and play my nice relaxing game I had been looking forward to playing all day and then this asshole (my bf) starts guilt tripping me to play this stupid old ass action game where you just spam click the sword button to “fight” enemies and do stupid “quests”

[bpd-black-cat]

I feel like there’s a lot of people who just don’t understand that yes I would love to hang out outside of work but not only do I have mental health issues and chronic illnesses but I also have a very controlling bf… I can’t win for losing…

[bpd-black-cat]

How do I finally tell someone ik irl that my bf is toxic and abusive? I’ve never told anyone anything negative about him… I’ve always kept it to myself…

Or maybe I just stone wall him until he finally breaks up with me… I gotta save up some money tho so that I can find somewhere to live. If only I had the money I had saved up before I probably could have moved across the country like I had initially wanted to. Just got a moving truck and shoved all my stuff in it and drove away. I could’ve… why didn’t I? I would have saved myself so much pain and suffering.

[bpd-black-cat]

He acts like anything and everything I do is to maliciously try and upset him… I just wanna be good enough for once… I want to be loved for who I am and unconditionally… I’ve never had that with anyone… I try and show him unconditional love and that he’s not a burden or anything… I treat him like I want to be treated and he goes and does the opposite… he insults me, tells me I’m a burden, holds things over my head, threatens to leave me and take everything away from me, tells me he hates me, withholds love and affection when he deems I don’t deserve it… why? What did I do? I try my best. I stress about being the perfect partner for him. Nothing I ever do is good enough, everything I do is wrong… he hurts me… why do I still love him?

[bpd-black-cat]

He was laughing… he was doing a condescending voice I told him i couldn’t stand and was playfully smacking him telling him to stop and gentle pretending to bite him and he grabs my arms with all his strength and digs what nails he has into my skin and then aggressively bites my arm… literally a hard bite. I try and stop responding to him trying to get a rise out of me but he won’t stop so I figure I might as well get up and wash off where he bit me with soap and water and he follows me still doing the voice. Finally he says he’ll stop and I tell him he didn’t need to bite me so hard and he’s response is “come on it was once compared to all the times you’ve done it” yes when he’s been purposely trying to get a rise out of me “and it wasn’t even enough to draw blood so it wasn’t even that bad” really? So that makes it okay. I already have a bruise and bumps forming from his teeth and his reasoning for me not to be upset is at least he didn’t draw blood… wtf…

He’s almost always doing the same pattern of provoking me until I react, escalating physically and stepping over the boundary of play fighting and even emotionally by using dark humor as an excuse for the fucked up shit he says especially ones directed towards me and stuff I told him that was very vulnerable about myself and stuff I don’t tell very many people, and then minimizing or blaming me afterward. It’s constant and I find myself crying, loathing myself or my life, depressed, anxious afterward while he either just goes about his day like nothing happened or is mad at me at first then again acts like nothing happened.

I’m really trying to think of ways to potentially leaving. I have no money tho… because of him… I think either some really close coworkers might be able to help. I just fear how everything would pan out and how he would react. Would I ever feel safe again. Hell I don’t feel safe now… I would also have to figure out how I’d be able to make sure I kept our pet (my pet really cuz I’m the one who pays for all the expenses and takes care of them) but I know he’d fight me on that…

All I know rn is I’m hurt in more ways than one and he sees nothing wrong with his actions just that I’m a big baby and need to take a joke…

[bpd-black-cat]

What’s worse than your bf forgetting your anniversary and lying about it? Going to get take out (by yourself) cuz your bf refuses to go out cuz he forgot to request it off and almost getting in an accident on the way back

[bpd-black-cat]

Well… he forgot… and he’s lying and saying he didn’t and making shit up… I can tell… why am I not surprised…

[bpd-black-cat]

He’s mad I have a migraine and couldn’t leave bed to go tag along with him to get food and then gets mad when he can’t just order on his phone then throws it and says the same thing I heard from my ex friends “that’s the only thing that sounds good ig I won’t eat anything then” and blames me for resting too late even tho he could have gone and gotten something himself but no he has to have me with him and go inside and get it cuz he claims his anxiety is worse than mine. So I go by myself and get it and just order in person and when I get back he’s still pouting and telling me he doesn’t want to eat now cuz it’s too late and giving me the silent treatment but not too long after pretends it was all silliness and then pretending like nothing ever happened…

It’s like I’m dating someone who has every single bad quality of my mom and father into one…

I should have broken up with him the first time he ever put his hands around my neck… I have nowhere to go…

[bpd-black-cat]

The struggle of having chronic illnesses and having to pretend to be alright in a world that’s fucking everyone over and working at a job that couldn’t give two shits about its staff and treats them like machines and doesn’t show them an ounce of human decency that on top of living paycheck to paycheck and dealing with unhealthy relationships… at this point it’s just a game of trying to find something to distract yourself from how horrendous this life is… I’m tired… I feel so alone and defeated… I feel cornered…

[bpd-black-cat]

Maybe if my bf hadn’t had been bullied he wouldn’t be emotionally abusive

[bpd-black-cat]

He’s emotionally abusive and what’s worse is I feel as tho I can’t tell anyone, no one would believe me, and I can’t leave…

[bpd-black-cat]

I don’t think anyone fully understands how much my body modifications mean to me. They’re the only thing about myself I like, the only thing I know is truly me. I’ve struggled with my self identity for years so much to the point I didn’t know what my favorite color was for 6 years. I didn’t know what I liked or disliked for 3 years (still struggling with that) almost everyone in my life besides 3 ppl have told what to like, what to dislike, how to dress, how to act, what I can and can’t do, what I can and can’t do with my body, my piercings were the first things that finally were me, my decision, my likes. And now I’m being told my piercings are unacceptable, unprofessional, tho there’s ppl who have had piercings in the past and nothing was said, tattoos along their neck and face and nothing was said. I finally built up the courage to inform them it’s part of my religion to have control of my own body to which I was told “good luck with that” and then still written up for it before the higher up has had a chance to even say anything (tho I’ve felt targeted by said higher up for a while) there’s bigger fish to fry like workers sexually harassing other workers and customers, workers coming into work under the influence, workers not doing their job properly and incorrectly to the point others not only have to do their job but clean up and fix other’s mistakes oh but my piercings are ruining the company

[bpd-black-cat]

I don’t know much more of this I can take

[bpd-black-cat]

He emotionally abuses me