Heh.

Avpd, BPD, depression, dermatillomania/excoriation/skin picking disorder, bdd, some anxiety thrown in there for good mesure, all that good shit that makes me wanna die. My main is solitary-witchpunk so if you see a weirdo following you, it's me.

[thatweirdguyinthebushes]

genuinely hate how flashbacks are written. its always a complete full body experience where you talk or walk around as if youre living the trauma and have to be jerked back to reality. often its more like one sense from the trauma that you remember distinctly. or, especially in the cases of complex ptsd from repeated trauma, they’re entirely emotional, and youre feeling what you felt during the trauma. that can be shame, hopelessness, or just an overwhelming panic. flashbacks arent always a perfect movie retelling of your trauma and im tired of the idea that they are.

[bpdealingwithit]

Help Lou, organized by Mérédith Bilodeau

English: My sweet baby Lou swallowed a sewing needle and needs urgent care. I love him more than anything b… Mérédith Bilodeau needs your su

If you can't donate please share. I love my baby so much but I can't afford the surgery all by myself.

[giftedsupport]

Perfectionism Attacks (and ways to correct these thoughts)

From Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

1. Perfectionism. My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my [unsupportive] family. Perfectionism is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.

2. All-or-None & Black-and-White Thinking. I reject extreme or over-generalized descriptions, judgments, or criticisms. One negative happenstance does not mean I am stuck in a never-ending pattern of defeat. Statements that describe me as “always’ or “never” this or that are typically grossly inaccurate.

3. Self-Hate, Self-Disgust, & Toxic Shame. I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust, and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear, and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.

4. Micromanagement, Worrying, Obsessing, Looping, & Over-Futurizing. I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not jump to negative conclusions. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive [myself for] all my  past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is “good enough,” and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. “God grant me the serenityt o accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

5. Unfair or Devaluing Comparisons to others or to your most perfect moments. I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. I will not compare my insides to their outsides. I will not judge myself for not being at peak performance all the time. In a society that pressures us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.

6. Guilt. Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt. Sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instances when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear: I may feel guilty and afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger.

7. “Shoulding.” I will substitute the words “want to” for “should” and only follow this imperative if it feels like I want to, unless I am under legal, ethical, or moral obligation.

8. Over-productivity, workaholism, and busyholism. I am a human being, not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% at all time. I subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

9. Harsh Judgments of Self and Others, Name-calling. I will not let the bullies and critics of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or abuse others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to my dysfunctional caretakers onto myself or current people in my life. “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”–Jane Eyre

[onceuponadreamgirl]

ok this is important to me. gaslighting is not a synonym for lying. it’s a type of lying. if someone says to you “the sky is green,” that’s a lie. if you say “the sky is blue” and they respond “no, it’s green, you’re wrong, your eyes are playing tricks on you” THAT’S gaslighting. the crucial requirement is that they try to convince you not only that you are wrong but that you shouldn’t trust your own senses. that you’re imagining something/hallucinating/dreaming. the abuser is trying to make themselves more of an authority on reality than your own mind, often with the goal of making you reliant on them to tell you “truth” from “fiction.”

[salamanderinspace]

also a crucial part of gaslighting:

the gaslighter has to know they are giving you incorrect information.  they have to know, on some level, that they are manipulating you.  If someone is giving you bad information because THEY have bad information, because their eyes and ears and perception can’t be trusted, it’s important to know that.  That’s not gaslighting, it’s just the other person being wrong.  It does happen.

[anxietyproblem]

[bpdealingwithit]

me: i want affection maybe a relationship--

my brain: ew you wanna be vulnerable?? show your actual emotions??? disgusting gross ickky

me: nevermind

[no-one-hears-me]

One of the trash things about childhood trauma is getting used to unhealthy feelings and thought patterns and being unable to recognize that it’s not normal. You don’t know what most people feel or how they think. Then you ignore some problems and exaggerate others because you don’t realize that some things are normal and other things aren’t.

[misgenderisms-deactivated202010]

once again i remind people that their is no “ABUSIVE SHITTY PERSON” disorder, there are symptoms that could lead to a person becoming an abuser but no disorder is 200% gateway to being a shitty person. YOU decide if you improve yourself and YOU decide whether not to be an abuser, not your disorder. saying that “all people with X disorder are bad!” just churns out more stigmatization and leads people to getting less access to resources for mental health. 

[misgenderisms-deactivated202010]

Idk if yall heard me correctly but YES this very much includes people with psychosis and personality disorders.

[goblinsgoblinsgoblins]

[thoradvice]

you’re so young and you have so much time. life is longer than you think, and there will be time for you to do everything. if you lost your youth to mental illness or abuse, your life isn’t over. you can do everything you missed out on, and more. if you’re losing your youth right now, there will be time for you to do the things you want to do. it’s gonna be okay, you still have time.

[odiumars]

I'm gonna say some real older sibling advice:

The worst thing about PTSD is that when you finally get away from the environment that caused the PTSD, that's then your symptoms are the strongest and loudest. Your body is finally letting you process the shit you went through, your body feels SAFE enough to let you feel again and that is a good and VERY uncomfortable thing. The happy feelings feel temporary and the sad feelings feel permanent.

You're gonna act out in ways you didn't when you were in survival mode (you might think you're still in survival mode most/some days) and it will feel like youre being irrational to your situation, but you must remember it is a blessing to not be in survival mode anymore and like all things the feeling will dilute itself. You will gain control and understanding of your new emotions and coping techniques, you will gain a sense of calm over your new and depressing knowledge of life.

You may feel like "adapting" is a thing you HAVE to do to heal, but you will heal regardless. Adapting isn't a thing you can do while feeling comfortable or motivated to do it. It feels unnatural to heal, but all the things that traumatized you felt "off" as well, right?

You will do what you can for the end result you want to see.

Being traumatized and being young suck, it means that things feel like they are happening longer than they are, and that it will always feel that way. It doesn't, and it will NOT even if it's longer than you would want it to last.

Gain self awareness to avoid those feelings, look into the abuser's behavior that had hurt you so you can avoid it in the future (it gets super easy to sniff out afterwards)

You got this, and if you need medications they're no more significant than glasses that you need to see. Its fun to take care of yourself after that learning curve! You genuinely enjoy the calm it brings.

You don't need to be excited or motivated to heal. The healing comes on its own when you are tired of feeling the way you do. Looking outside of yourself for help is part of the healing, so good job!

[astronomnomy-blog]

I’ve always struggled with social anxiety and self-confidence in different areas. It waxes and wanes in amplitude, but it’s always there. This affects my ability to do research as I struggle to do things like use the phone, send emails asking people to do things in a timely fashion, and finish work due to perfectionism.  It was really bad a couple of years ago, during my PhD. We had official annual meetings with a member of staff to check on progress back then, which were a good idea but terrified the students. I always had mine with a member of faculty a lot of people are scared of. I’m not sure why, maybe because their courses were very difficult and they was a strict marker? I’d heard they’d mellowed over the years so maybe, like a fear of the dark, students’ wariness passed down the generations.  Whatever the reason, I’d never been scared of them, and always saw them as a fair mind when it came to assessing my progress. I wouldn’t believe myself or my friends mostly, but I’d trust them to tell the truth. On my last meeting they knew I wasn’t very well. I always cried in these meetings through stress/lifting of stress, so true to form the box of tissues were ready and they offered me a fruit tea. I had the summer fruits. It was really sweet and calming, and I didn’t need the tissues that year. We spoke at length about why I was struggling within myself when my work seemed perfectly fine, even really good in places. And we got talking about anxiety when not at work. Turns out both of us have similar social anxiety problems! We both struggle to go in a shop with no or few other customers, because we hate being watched by staff. It’s really specific but I bet it’s common haha. We both hate using the phone, even ordering take away is difficult! Maybe this is why I wasn’t scared of them?  At any rate, it was great to know I wasn’t alone, here was a full professor with the same problems I have, still doing science! But, I asked, how do you do it? How did you get this high up the ladder and not quit, or not take it out on yourself? How are you not anxious all the time? Oh, I am anxious, they said. I was really bad for years. Wouldn’t use the phone at all. But then I was made Head of Department.  That’s terrifying! What did you do? Well I was still anxious, about using the phone for example. But I realised, the Head of Department uses the phone to call people to get things sorted quickly. And at the moment, I’m Head of Department. That’s the hat I’m wearing. The Head of Department picks up the phone and the Head of Department speaks to people to Get Things Done. That’s a role I’m performing, that’s all, and people expect me to be the Head of Department. And it helped, and now I can use the phone because I’m used to it.  Hearing them say that was a bit of an epiphany. They weren’t saying “just suck it up”, it’s a complete reframing of the interaction. 

YOU might not like using the telephone to ask so-and-so to do something, but Scientist-In-Charge-Of-Making-This-Thing-Work DOES call Collaborators to remind them, and then Collaborators can respond that they forgot, or they have it scheduled in for next week, because it’s their role to do something. 

YOU might be scared of going into that shop, but a Potential Customer does go into shops and look around. Potential Customer might be asked by Sales Rep whether they need help, and Potential Customer can say just browsing. Sales Rep may watch Potential Customer browse, but that’s okay, because they’re waiting to perform their role. And when Potential Customer leaves the shop, they aren’t that role anymore, back to self. Interaction done. 

YOU might not want to email that person to ask them for a reference, BUT a Final Year Student DOES send the email, because part of their role is to get a reference at the end. And the person receiving the email also has a role, and that is Someone Who Sometimes Gets Reference Requests, that they can response Yes or No to. Then Final Year Student can get their reference about Final Year Student or can move on to someone else. Interaction over. Slate clean. Sometimes we get so caught up we forget that many of the things we do are divorced from our own self, and we worry about judgements from other people. But in a lot of our interactions, especially at work or school, we have a set of roles and rules. When it’s getting really hard for me to do things like email, phone, or go somewhere, it helps me to think of that Professor’s first day as Head of Department, them sitting there with that weight of responsibility and internally screaming as they pick up the phone the first time, because that’s what Head of Departments do. If they can do it and normalise it, I know I can too. One day! :) 

[dr-dendritic-trees]

This is such great advice.

[dspressed]

Just a reminder that Vincent van Gogh did not eat yellow paint to make himself feel happy, he ate paint, and drank different chemicals because he was suicidal and this is why he was not allowed in his studio while having breakdowns. He also did not paint starry night and his other great works because he was depressed, he painted most of them while he was in recovery and demonstrated his hopefulness and love of the world through this. Most of his great works were painted from his room at a hospital. Van Gogh’s depression should not be glorified. His hope and effort toward a better life, as well as his recovery from depression should be glorified.

[campflabanabba-deactivated20210]

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[clusterb-itch]

[xbnx]

id love for someone to please explain to me how i ended up terrified of any kind of intimacy while craving it constantly all at the same time

[bardpropaganda]

Abuse bro

[cuttlefishcolor]

Saving these tags bc I mean. Look at them

[rottenbutrecovering]

Talking about the positives my disorders and neurodivergencey bring is not anti recovery. It is not romanticising mental illness. It is not “”encouraging”” mental instability.

I’m allowed to say that my BPD makes me love others in such a beautifully intense way, that I would not be able to experience without it, and that this love, when directed positively, makes those I love feel completely irreplaceable and valued.

I’m allowed to say that my HPD makes me form a unique style for myself, to be confident and out there, and to have a sense of humour that I have never had exactly matched by anyone I’ve interacted with.

I’m allowed to say that my GAD means I plan well for things, and am always the person with the back up plan, who remembered to bring the little things that others didn’t.

I’m allowed to say that my psychosis lets me view things is incredibly unique ways, and makes me feel so completely unique and special in this universe in a way I would not feel otherwise.

I’m allowed to address the positives that my mental illnesses bring me, and I don’t need to feel obligated to remove them in my process of recovery. 

[borderline-captain-marvel]

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Except lately I’m actually getting angry when I read positive affirmations, they’re really pissing me off.