How to help your partner through grief: the handbook I wish I had
My wife’s 25 year old brother died last week. Her mom called me at work, told me I had to go to her so I could be there when she called to tell her. I dropped what I was doing and drove an hour to get to her work. For as long as I live I’ll never forget the confused but happy smile she gave me when I walked in, thinking I was surprising her at work. Then I shattered her whole world. We got on a plane that night and went to her parents. Her brother was living in Europe and we had to wait to hear when his body would return to the US. And so we spent a week there waiting, and here is what I learned:
1) You can’t fucking fix this. The people you love most in the world hurt so bad, and you can’t fix it. This will be hard.
2) People grieving this hard don’t always know when they are hungry, thirsty, or tired. Politely ask if they could eat (around meal times) and if they give you a blank look or say I don’t know say, “ I’ll make you a bagel and if you can’t eat it, that’s ok.” Better than half the time they will devour it before they know it’s there. The body needs nourishment, the mind is just too busy grieving to feel that. Don’t force them into things, just put options in front of them as best you can.
3) Do everything you can. Take the dogs on their walk. Scoop the cat box. Do the dishes. Take out the garbage. Do the laundry. Check the mail. Go shopping. Do anything needed and do it without being asked. Grieving is a full time job, so make taking care of these things so they don’t have to your full time job.
4) Call for help. As much as you want to do everything mentioned above, you probably can’t. Call friends, tell them you need them to go to the store for you or make meals for you. People want to help but often don’t know how. Literally all you have to do is ask.
5) Don’t judge or invalidate anything your partner says in grief. They are going to say all kinds of things. They are going to say they will never stop hurting, never be ok. They are going to have crazy ideas and fixate on certain thoughts. Do your best to let them. Let their brain go through this. There were so many times I wanted to chime in with, “This will get better, it’s gonna be ok.” Try not to. As weird as it sounds I think it’s better to let them feel the full weight. Only then can it *really* start to get better. They will figure out it gets better because it *is* getting better, not because you told them so.
6) Give them license to say the terrible thing. This one was hard. After a couple days my wife basically guilted me and said she resented I still had living siblings and her brother was dead. I almost cracked. Just... god... just let them have it. Because honestly, there is no justice in these situations. It isn’t fucking fair. In no universe should her brother be gone. But he is, and here we are. Her world is utterly shattered and she is trying to make sense of it. So she said a terrible thing. If something like this happens to you, swallow your pride and stay quiet. Hold them, tell them you love them. It will be ok.
7) Protect them. Call their boss for them to explain. Be the one to answer the phone and deal with the outside world if they need that. At one point I had to literally yell at her Grandmother to stop asking upsetting questions about the state of the body, which was badly burned. And then I comforted Grandma when she broke down too. People on the outside don’t always understand grief or how to deal with grieving people. They want to help but don’t know how, so they do or say something inappropriate. It’s human, but it’s hurtful, and to a person still very raw, it could be the worst thing. Try to get between that and your partner.
8) Find a person you can lean on. Call your own sibling or friend privately. Schedule a therapy session if you need to. Share your frustrations or pain with them. This is a lot to bear. You need to vent but it probably can’t be to your partner right now. Remember to have some self care for yourself in this process because you can’t help if you aren’t healthy.
This will be hard. But you can do it. And if it does ever happen to any of you here, shoot me a PM and I’ll do my best to help you through it. No one has to be alone in loss.
