Breaking Free From Binge Eating Disorder

Hi! I'm Kaona, I'm 29 and I live in Canada. This is my recovery journey.

[breakingfreefromthis]

I haven’t posted here in a long time, and I’m not sure if I ever will again. Countless pro-ana and thinspo blogs have followed me, and I’m very uncomfortable. I don’t want people with eating disorders to look at my behaviours or weight and use me as inspiration for what they don’t want to turn into. The whole concept is upsetting to me, and I don’t know how to stop it. I am still a human being, and I have feelings.

[breakingfreefromthis]

My anxiety: You haven't been on here in years and have a fairly full inbox. You need to reply to these people, in case you can help anyone out. And so they don't think you're rude!

Also my anxiety: But it doesn't say *when* they messaged! It could have been years ago, and you messaging back now would be super weird.

I will be stressed and upset with myself over this either way. Sometimes anxiety completely hijacks my brain, and it's hard to refocus.

[softspokenghost]

me: why did i get anxious all of the sudden?

brain: because you have anxiety

me: i know but

[edrecoveryprobs]

Trying not to binge and ending up doing other ED behaviours

[breakingfreefromthis]

The eating disorder treatment didn't go very well. Starting over somewhere new.

The last time I was in treatment, I found I did not get much out of it. It helped some for a little while, but it just... wasn't nearly as effective as any of us had hoped. This was in part due to the fact that my intense emotions and feelings of distress were getting in the way. Before I went to the eating disorder clinic, I should have got more Dialectical Behaviour Therapy to help manage my emotions, distress and other symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder.

Due to all of the anxiety, intense emotions, mood swings and many other symptoms interfering, I was not able to benefit from ED treatment very much. I also did somewhere between 16 and 20 Electro Convulsive Therapy treatments last summer, and my memory didn't recover properly from it. I have pretty significant memory loss, and a lot of it is from the past 8-9 years. Which is when I was first getting treated for BPD and BED.

I have gained so much weight, and it has taken a huge toll on my mental and physical health. I have arthritis and plantar fasciitis now, and it is likely related to my weight. Plus the massive back pain with other assorted pain. I do still really want to lose weight, for multiple reasons. But my first goal is to stop being controlled by food all day everyday, and to stop this awful binge and restrict cycle I've been stuck in so badly, for so long.

I very recently reached out for help through another organization. I have better skills to deal with my BPD symptoms now that I have lots of DBT under my belt, and I am committed to doing my best, to get as much out of my treatment as possible. I will post more details about upcoming treatment in a bit.

[breakingfreefromthis]

Hey, is anyone out there?

Wondering if I still have any followers after all this time interested in seeing me post again? Although I must admit, I am a massive failure who has been relapsed super badly for a long time. This has hampered my weight loss attempts tremendously, so I'm much bigger than when I was last posting on here :( I'm so sorry to everyone who has messaged me or tried to reach me. I haven't been on Tumblr for years until tonight.

[breakingfreefromthis]

I was able to eat some cake without binging on it.

That's huge for me! Feeling kind of accomplished.

[breakingfreefromthis]

Really struggling today, but no binges!

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

Rest and self care are so important. When you take to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.

Eleanor Brown (via onlinecounsellingcollege)

[breakingfreefromthis]

To anyone who has not received replies from messaging me...

I'm so sorry, I had no idea the messages were even there! I never got a notification. I will be getting back to everyone as I can in the next few days! :)

[breakingfreefromthis]

No scale :(

Hello all, it’s been quite a while! I have still been struggling with my eating. For the time being, I can’t even post weight updates, as my scale stopped working and I can’t afford a new one. Hope you all are doing well!

[breakingfreefromthis]

You help me feel like my problems are valid and real. Everyone that I know with an ed is really skinny but it's comforting there's someone else who's gained a lot of weight is still trying to recover thank you

Aww. You made my night. You're very welcome <3

[breakingfreefromthis]

I haven't binged in a few days!

Little victories.

[breakingfreefromthis]

Weigh In

Previous Weight: 360 lbs. (November 3/15) Current Weight: 356 lbs. Down 4 lbs!

[breakingfreefromthis]

I've reduced my binges by more than half!

When I first got in to outpatient treatment, I was binging everyday (when I wasn't everyday, it was a minimum of 4 times a week). Since last Tuesday, I've only binged twice! That's a huge improvement for me.

[breakingfreefromthis]

It's been a long time!

Hey everyone, it’s been quite a while since I posted. I’ve been in outpatient eating disorder treatment for a few months now. We have discovered that most of my binges are actually because I restrict a lot.

Basically, I end up getting so hungry that I will eat just about anything and eat it in large quantities. I’ve been working on normalizing my eating. They want me to be eating 3 meals in three snacks a day that are healthy, so that’s the goal. I have noticed I the more I eat the three meals and three snacks a day, the less I binge. The eating disorder clinic told me this would happen.

Some part of it is emotional though. Surprisingly, this treatment doesn’t deal with that part much at all. They are referring me to DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) once I’m done at their clinic.

They aren’t focusing on weight loss, just getting my eating to be less chaotic (that’s really the word they use for it). I am going to be focusing on that some though, but normalizing my eating and increasing my activity level comes first. Also, my thyroid has been out of whack (I’m now diagnosed with hypothyroidism), so no wonder why even when I wasn’t binging and was eating healthy, I still wasn’t losing much or any weight! My weight has been staying the same now, but I’m increasing my activity level which I hope will help. Anyway, this has been a super long post. I’ll post again soon. Thanks for sticking around! :)

[comemorningslight]

1. Get that overpriced top-end mascara. It’s much cheaper than the hospitals and treatment centers. So go ahead. Buy the $23 mascara and go home and feel like a goddess. 2. The ultimate paradox of getting better is this: You cannot have a life until you are well, but you cannot be well until you have a life. Almost all of your struggles in recovery will come from this. 3. You must start creating a life, even if you don’t feel completely better yet. I know you love to-do lists, so fill them now with tasks to help you connect with the world again. Texting that friend you haven’t talked to in ages. Applying to that job. Writing letters. Reading books. These things are more of your recovery than the meal plans and doctors and perfectly-filtered pictures of your oatmeal will ever be.  4. The problems your eating disorder helped you to run from are going to be back and all-too-alive when you hit a certain point. The idea that recovery is nothing but ice cream and sunshine is a lie. If it was raining when you left, it will be raining when you come back. Don’t quit therapy. You are going to need to learn to deal with the clouds in a new way, and it’s going to be pretty terrible sometimes. 5. You may find yourself thinking about the eating disorder now more than ever. While you’re walking to class, talking to friends. It will be a drumbeat in the back of your head, whispering, “you’re not sick anymore, but remember when…” 6. You will look at sick photos and have the odd sensation of both wanting to go back and feeling that even your lowest wasn’t enough. It will leave knots in your stomach, because you will feel your get-out-of-life free card fading. If not your sickest, how much will it take to finally get the comfort you’ve been searching for? It will occur to you that the sense of peace for which you were destroying your life was all just a mirage. You will quickly tuck this terrifying thought away. 7. Recovery is not life. Recovery is a protected, pre-portioned, planned path towards Better, and life is none of those things. Life is messy. Life is heartbreaking. Life is excessive and bright and bold. 8. You were wired in such away that the world has always felt a bit too loud. Studies show that criticism hits your brain harder than your friends’, that you empathize more deeply with those around you, that you are more sensitive to pain. You became a professional harm-avoider not because you were weak, but because you were trying to survive. Don’t compare yourself to others. Remember that your brain has the volume turned up much louder than theirs. 9. At some point, the unfairness of this all will hit you. This is good sign. It means you are coming to believe two important truths that you before never quite internalized: 1. You did not choose this. 2. You did not deserve this. 10. When the eating disorder leaves, there will be a gaping space where it once was. You will not know what to do with this. You will first try to fill it with Recovery. Then you may try other things: A relapse. An obsession with fitness. A boy. A girl. Constant reminiscing on your illness. You will wonder what on earth you filled this space with before getting sick. 11. I know you feel like you should have it figured out by now, and I know how much you hate uncertainty. But the truth is that learning how to fill this vacancy is going to be a lifelong pursuit. And you have only just begun. 12. Here’s the important part: Everyone around you is doing just the same. Those still in their eating disorders have plugged up their holes with illness and destruction, but you’re not one of them anymore. You are one of the vulnerable again, and unlike them, every day you are becoming.  13. The pain of becoming is constant and real. 14. In the end, you will have a whole life to show for it.

Sarah T., 14 Things Nobody Told Me About Recovery (via comemorningslight)