stick with me here. the night before he leaves, barkovitch confesses to his literal only friend (male reader) and they decide to go at it fucking insaneo style because like when would they get that chance again? the drama and hurt/comfort/hurt is so yummyyyyyy ough. if you wrote more barkovitch/male reader smut i might just have to sell my soul over to you
a/n - i love u anon kiss me now. also hey guys im back :)
warnings - light drug/alcohol use, mentions of drug and alcohol use, faggotry, smut, implied punk/alt!reader, family flashback, toxic family life, crying while having sex, heat of the moment kissing/fucking, occasional homophobia, constant changing power dynamics
🍀 i swear we’re infinite 🍀
you were walking around downtown with gary. ever since he was officially picked for the long walk, he’d been manic to say the least. he went from laughing and skipping down the sidewalk, saying how he’d never die, to him shaking and smacking himself for ever signing up in the first place. you thought that taking him out and doing cool stuff before he went to maine. it was lost on you how you were treating him like a dog on their last day before euthanasia.
you walked in downtown d.c., making fun of all the businessmen and politicians pretending their lives were important. you both made fun of the rat race everyone seemed caught up in. they scoffed at you, muttering, “stupid punks”. you both laughed, sometime even laughing so hard you had to stop and grip each other’s shoulders to not fall down. you both managed to scrounge up enough money to get a bottle of cheap liquor. you wanted to save this for the day before, but you figured it’d be bad to start the walk on a hangover. you both sat in the park under a tree, passing the bottle back and forth. the air was filled with real, genuine laughter. it was the happiest you’d ever seen gary. definitely happier than the times you saw him with his family. it was strange but, you didn’t mention it. the walk back to your house was filled with slurred words and half-baked sentences. insightful and intellectual conversation like, “is it gay to get your dick sucked?” gary contemplated that. a little too hard.
you both woke up in your room. you woke up on your floor, drool all over your carpet. gary was in your bed, all wrapped up in a blanket. he looked so peaceful, his chest softly rising and falling. this was the stillest you’d ever seen him.
to be clear, you knew that you liked your best friend in that way. but you knew he didn’t like you back. you’d make jokes about you two jerking each other off, but he’d always gotten weirdly rude and defensive about it. he’d throw around slurs and say “just cus’ you’re a fag doesn’t mean i’m one too!” and sometimes he’d even stomp away. this was typical of gary. and that’s how you knew he was gay. every single time you brought something up that could be the slightest bit embarrassing, he would get super defensive. like when you found a cd of madonna’s ‘like a virgin’ in his room and he freaked out and said he definitely wasn’t his, even though you’d heard him listening to it before. you wondered if he really liked it. like, was it just a song he listened to or, did he get up and dance whenever it played? even though you were undeniably his closest friend, you didn’t know much about him. gary liked to keep it that way.
you saw gary blink his eyes open, adjusting to his surroundings before immediately perking up when he saw how close you were to him.
“fuck, man! scarin’ the shit out of me..”
he exclaimed, grabbing his shirt that laid next to him. his hair was extremely frizzy, and he brushed some of it out of his face. he needed a shower. gary usually smelled like shit, but after collapsing in multiple ditches last night, he could’ve made you gag. along with the dirt laying in his hair.
“dude, take a fucking shower. you look like shit. and smell like it too.”
you joked, turning away and grabbing your own shirt. you could remember the night in glimpses, and you were positive nothing happened between you two. sadly. you saw gary get up and crack his neck, two loud cracks coming from him. the sound alone could make your spine shiver.
“fine. got any clothes for me here? or you want me to go back home?”
he asked, his voice sounding a little scared. he didn’t want to go back home. he’d said very little about his home life but, from the few times you were at his house, you gathered enough. after classes one day he invited you over for dinner, and the inside of his house smelled like mildew and stale beer. he acted like it was completely normal, stepping over empty bottles and walking past his dad, who was passed out on the couch. at 1pm. you entered his room and it was a mess. he pushed over a pile of dirty clothes on his bed and gestured for you to sit down. half empty water bottles, dirty socks, and the occasional tissue (that you definitely didn’t want to think about how long it was there) laid across his floor. his little sister, who looked about 6, opened the door as you were both jamming out to the sex pistols.
“do you guys wanna play dolls with me?”
she asked innocently, her hair was a mess and she was holding a barbie doll in her hand. when you were gonna open your mouth to jokingly say yes, gary threw a pillow at her.
“buzz off sarah. go ask dad or something.”
he said dismissively, his sister whined.
“dads still asleep! i want to play with you guys!”
she protested, her foot stomping against the ground. you looked at gary with a confused face.
“dude, just let her come in and play barbies or whatever.”
“go to the park or something then. i don’t care.”
he turned the music up louder, waiting for her to close the door. something about that left a bad taste in your mouth. what was so hard about letting her in and letting her fuck around with dolls for a minute or two?
when dinner rolled around, it was a shitshow. microwaved tv dinners around the couch, and a random episode of a game show on the black and white television. gary didn’t even introduce you until his dad spoke,
“who’s this? your fuckin’ boyfriend gareth?”
he slurred his words, taking a swig from the brown tinted bottle. gary took a deep breath and stabbed the fork he held into the fake steak meat in the plastic tin.
“he’s not my fuckin’ boyfriend dad! he’s (y/n) and he’s my regular friend. we hang out and do shit together.”
he spat back, rage coming out of his mouth like flames. you perked up and waved an awkward hand at everyone, barely picking at your food. you weren’t one for microwaveable meals.
“whatever. as long as i don’t find you boys fuckin’ each other he can stay wherever he wants.”
the rest of the night was oddly silent. even though his family barely talked, they still had to eat dinner together. like some gross misshapen amalgamation of a nuclear family. you were out of that house right after dinner, making up some excuse about a curfew.
after remembering that, you lended him some clothes.
the bathroom emanated steam, billowing from under the door. he was in the shower for at least 20 minutes, and after he was done you swore you could see dirt at the bottom of the tub. you got in after him, taking a shorter shower because there wasn’t any hot water left after 5 minutes. god, if he were anyone else you’d be kicking him out right now.
after brushing your teeth with your toothbrush you swore barkovitch used, you headed back to your room. you opened the door to find gary laying on your bed. he was biting his nonexistent nails, slightly rocking back and forth, his eyes wide and staring at the wall. it was like he was in a trance, not even realizing you walked into the room.
“you smoke way too much or somethin’ man?”
you asked, sitting down in front of him. he shook his head as he kept shaking. you’d only see him like this once before, after you two had accidentally gotten laced and had to go to the hospital. you gently, yet firmly, put your hand on his wrist, pressing down and trying to subtly feel his pulse. his pulse was absolutely racing.
“gary your pulse is fucking crazy. what’s wrong with you?”
you tried not to sound too concerned, because then he would definitely freak out more, but gary kept rocking back and forth, shaking his head.
you’d have to try the impossible to get him to calm down.
you crashed your lips against his, trying to shock him out of this trance he was in.
his eyes widened even more, his hands flying to slam onto the bed, slamming into it over and over again. you pulled away, equally as shocked as he was.
“what the fuck, man?! why the fuck did you do that?!”
he exclaimed, his face quivering and twitching.
what the fuck did you do?
“i mean, it fixed you didn’t it?”
you shrugged, nervously laughing to try to lighten the mood. gary was still not happy.
“you-you can’t do that shit with me, man. that’s fucked up, that’s what it is.”
he half muttered to himself, turning away from you and getting off the bed. he started grabbing his stuff off of the floor, muttering half-sentences to himself. stuff about you, his family, the walk. his mind was scattered.
“dude sit back down, you don’t need to leave. and don’t act like you didn’t like it.”
you teased, crossing your arms across your chest. you chuckled a little bit under your breath, thinking about how offended he got. it was a little comedic, the way he blew it out of proportion.
“i can’t fuckin’ be around you man, can’t do it. i gotta go, i gotta go-“
he replied, pacing around your room trying to find something. you felt next to you, gripping onto the object. it was his pocket knife on the bed. you smirked, grabbing it and holding it in front of you.
you said simply, holding your hand out with the knife. gary reached out to grab it, watching you pull your hand back. he groaned out of frustration and reached forward more. he kept trying to reach forward to grab it out of your hands. gary fell forward, landing with his head against your stomach on top of you.
“you’re not leaving yet, gary.”
you could see his cheeks flush redder, as he struggled to reach up to grab his pocket knife. you neatly tucked it in your back pocket.
“what’s up with you today? nervous or something?”
you asked. oddly enough, gary didn’t move off of you. he huffed, turning his face to the wall.
“well, i mean, you have to.”
“they’re gonna shoot me. my brains are gonna fry on that concrete like an egg. i ain’t ever gonna see this place again.”
“that’s bullshit, man. you’re gonna outwalk all those guys. dance on all their graves right?”
he turned his face back to you.
“i’m gonna be leavin’. forever.”
he looked into your eyes, a painfully neutral expression on his face.
you felt shocked. shocked that he had this level of understanding of his situation. you didn’t want to say it, but you knew he wouldn’t be back. if you didn’t say it or think about it, maybe it wouldn’t come to fruition. dealing with gary was like having a smoke sesh. it was mostly gibberish funny nonsense, but the occasional moments of intense clarity made you slightly scared.
you admitted, looking down. you felt the tears start to materialize in your eyes. your throat tightened. you jinxed it now.
“i didn’t wanna say it gary, but i think i’m gonna miss your ugly face.”
he chuckled at that remark.
“don’t say that gay shit to me. you’ll miss goin’ out and drinkin’ with me and shit, but not me, right?”
you looked at him with tears in your eyes. you realized.
“i’m gonna miss you too.”
he replied back almost immediately, like he had been burning to say it. like he’d been thinking about it for hours. was he thinking about it for hours? it didn’t matter. you grabbed him and pulled him up towards your head, kissing him with a passion. it was different than before, it was more full of emotion. full of desperation. the way you both kissed was like angry dogs, trying to grab at anything on each other’s bodies. your hands went all over his body, trying desperately to get his (your) shirt off. your heart was beating dangerously fast, wanting every kind of stimulation from him. you felt gary’s hands snake their way to the back of your head, grabbing and pulling at your hair. your teeth and tongues collided dangerously, slight tastes of blood coming through. you guided gary to lay down on the mattress, you both wiggling out of your pants.
“i can’t wait anymore. i need to fuck you.”
you said, out of breath. you hastily pulled your cock out of your pants, spitting on your hand and rubbing it up and down your cock. fuck, you didn’t know how much you wanted this. gary pushed you back onto the mattress, the breath leaving your body as your back landed on the blanket. he grabbed your dick, replacing your hand with his. his pace was quick, as he stroked his dick at the same time. you saw his dick twitch, as he let out a strained moan. he let go of your cock, positioning himself above your cock. you closed your eyes in anticipation, your hand reaching up to grab and squeeze the blond’s shoulder.
you felt how tight he was, and how he let out a high pitched moan when he sank all the way down. the grip you had on his shoulder was so tight, you swore it would shatter. his hands went to your chest, bracing himself while he made little movements.
“oh, oh fuck gary. sure you’re not gay?”
you tried to joke, throwing another emotion into the already emotionally complicated situation. he chuckled back.
“i don’t fuckin’ care anymore. i’m dyin’ soon, i n-need this.”
he stuttered out, slowly moving himself up and down on your shaft. he was constantly making whimpering, groaning, and moaning sounds. every feeling he experienced was brand new. this definitely wouldn’t last long.
you weren’t much better than him. although it wasn’t your first time, it was the first time sex felt this passionate. you felt streams of tears coming out of both your eyes, watching his cock twitch through bleary eyes. you grabbed his cock, roughly jerking him off. you needed him to cum. you needed to cum.
“tell me i can cum. i need- i need you to let me cum, man.”
he panted out, his voice getting continuously louder and higher. you nodded vigorously, continuing at the pace you’d set.
“fuck, please cum. make both of us cum.”
you pleaded, your stomach doing somersaults as you felt yourself teeter on the edge of climax. he grabbed your face and pulled you into a rough kiss, cumming all over your torso as you came inside him. you both came so hard you felt like throwing up. after you both rode out your orgasms, he collapsed next to you and kept panting. you felt yourself hyperventilate, laughing and sobbing at a sudden moment of clarity. he joined in, grabbing your sticky, spit-smelling hand. the room gained its light back, and you both looked at each other’s tears falling down to the bed. this was the best moment of your lives.
