Brimah and John

Modest Fashion Blogger and Visual Story Teller Instagram/Twitter: @brimahandjohn www.brimahandjohn.com

[brimahandjohn]

Nimz and Manifesting Your Dreams

Nimz and Manifesting Your Dreams

Back from Bonita Rochelle’s vision board party, and inspired is only the half of it.

A quick segue, I’ve noticed I’m getting worse at speaking in public! I don’t know when it happened, but when all eyes are on me I start to shake. Definitely a by product of something I refused to deal with in my past. Anywhoo’s we gon work on that, ‘cos insecurities, anxiety and fear are not holding us back at all this year.

Neither is sleep lol.

Right, back to Make Your Mark’s Vision board party. The event started with a quick panel on vision boarding and the benefits of visualising your goals before we broke off to put together our own vision boards for 2019.

A few takeaways from the panel,

write your unimaginable and unthinkable goals down

learn to meditate and listen to your inner voice

work backwards, start at your end goal and build the steps to it

don’t minimise yourself in an effort to be “humble”

Throughout the event my mind was racing, I literally couldn’t wait to get home and put pen to paper - serial planner here for those who don’t know. On my way to the event, a thought had come to me “I wonder if I could do the work I’m doing now for Jay Park next year”, immediately followed by, “but what could I add?”. Then Bola_Sol said “dream bigger” in response to a question and it was like a light bulb flicked over my head. My eyes literally shone like a puppy, of course, I have something to add! I’m Nimz! So guess what I did when I got home, yup, I wrote Jay Park’s name down, and continued on to Rihanna and Beyonce. Ima be one of the hottest visual artists and producers by the end of 2019!

One thing that came out of the MYM event for me, a title. I there and then decided to put a label on what it is I do. Small context, my job role doesn’t really exist. I’ve spent the past four years building it from scratch. I’m pretty fluid and as a freelancer I can wear several hats. Which means when people ask what I do, my usual answer is “stuff”. Honestly, how do you condense everything into one word. I’m not a lawyer, firefighter, nurse, or engineer. Creative probably come’s close but that term is so general, past that, who am I and what do I do?

Hi I’m Nimz, visual artist, producer and director.

I hate hate titles, especially ones that make me feel like some big headed boss. It’s like I’m boasting or a beg. Also why I prefer “Founder” to “CEO”.

Anywhoo’s we’re digressing small, manifesting your dreams and becoming a changemaker! I personally believe you are in control of your destiny, yes maktub; it’s all written, but also tie your camel. You are your only limits, hard work, smart work and serious prayer unlocks doors. Prayer isn’t just done on your knees either, it’s a constant activity. Which is what I believe manifesting is, for me its praying and moving towards that prayer. It’s in line with keeping God at your forefront.

Because I believe all things are in God’s hands, I thank God daily and submit all my affairs to him. I also stay asking for forgiveness frequently, because with all things desires come temptation and I’m a feign for a good thotuation.

(Allahummghfirlee right now too)

If you’re tryna change your life next year here are some tips and steps from me…

write everything down, every single idea - it’s crazy how I always come back to some ideas, develop them and work on them. Or sometimes a new opportunity arises which I’m prepared for because I’ve got ideas on deck

SMART targets - you can google it lol, but give yourself measurable small targets. Pebbles build a mountain and that.

work around you - you know yourself best, don’t try use Oprah’s schedule when you’re not Oprah, build a plan according to you and your lifestyle. Consistency over everything else.

attempt everything - I don’t believe anyone of us has one passion or path, so attempt it all. Do whatever your heart calls for, It’s funny how they always come back to benefit you anyways, no skill gained is time wasted.

write your dreams down - dreams are sooo key! They can be messages, visuals, goals, ideas, movies… dreams can be monetised! Write them down.

network laterally - the people around you are your most important resources!

OPEN YOUR MOUTH - close mouths don’t get fed, I’ve asked and received so many times this year that i’m only going to go ham with the asking next year.

your only competition is yourself - focus inwards! if you block out the external noise and focus on you and what you’re on, everything else falls into place.

mindfullness - it’s really important we gain stability and security within our internal galaxy. Strong mental health, awareness of our inner system, listen to yourself, know yourself, find yourself!

share - be a giver! loose hands, loose lips, share your skills, share your secrets, bring people in. Do it for the reward with God. I genuinely believe God’s got me, so if I can alleviate the stress on someone else and be a blessing to them, I’m a 1000% sure God’ll bless me more. it’s the ultimate selfishness.

There’s an app for it - it’s the tech age, there’s an app for literally everything you’re tryna do, Utilise all these free resources and build your dreams fam!

USE WHAT YOU HAVE TO GET TO WHERE YOU WANT TO GO

If you’re writing your goals list and your 5 year plan, do me a favour, write that big scary thing you’re afraid to whisper. WRITE IT, STICK IT ON YOUR MIRROR AND LOUD IT!

Also, whilst we’re all writing goals for the future, lets not forget to jot down our achievements and pat ourselves on the back!

I’ll start This year I did a madness, I made some massive contacts, collaborated on some big projects and spoke very loud every chance I got.

I started work on dropping the emotional shackles I’ve been tied to and started owning all parts of myself, the fluffy, the chubby, the moist, the cute, the absolutely gorgeous, the naughty and the spiritual. I left labels and communities that didn’t align with my goals and destinations and discovered me. I walked on my own, I took risks, spoke out, confronted and healed. I came up with a system to get my boys paid big pees, I learnt my true value, I walked through a set of doors I’d never have imagined being the path I’d walk on. Those doors brought me even closer to my goal, who’d have even thought it? I learnt how hard it is to keep a secret and work in confidence, I discovered the value of internal gratification and satisfaction when work I was working on confidentially went public and I couldn’t boast about it lol. I realised I am a boss, a bag of talent, an influencer, changemaker, trendsetter. I am an artist, I have the creative eye,

I AM A VALUABLE RESOURCE, THERE’S SPACE FOR ME AND A NEED FOR ME,

MY WORDS, MY TIME, MY PRESENCE ARE ALL VALUABLE.

[brimahandjohn]

Nimz and Being A Spinster

Nimz and Being A Spinster - NIMZ AND EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN

Why is it when you share your future goals and expectations people reply with advice suggesting that you’ll end up old and unwed, living with cats and, knitting jumpers out of cat hairs, if you don’t prioritise marriage.  

Like why is the future of any woman with goals and dreams beyond marriage grim, grey, lonely and miserable? Across all cultures to be honest, I can’t even claim this is just a Nigerian thing.

Now before getting into it, I just want to make it very very clear, I’m not anti-men and I’m not anti-marriage. I’m just tryna have the best of both worlds, including all the hashtag couple goals, I want it all. 

Even though the bar is pretty much a zebra crossing at the moment, it’s pretty low.

I guess we can start by going into my ideals, stress on the ideal part. Can’t have people with zero comprehension coming to stress me on how I’m being unrealistic. This my ideal and I’m gonna Idea-ate however TF I want to. 

Is idea-ate even a word? It is now sha. 

I’m looking for a nice tall man with broad shoulders and a smile brighter than the moon, dark haired, somewhere in the 6foot region, strong enough to beat up my brothers - I’ve promised to tag team with my husband and bang up them and their wives, don’t make me a liar now. 

Personality wise, magnetic. Same way i’m drawn to my current friends I need to be drawn to him too. No cardboard dry paint type dudes. Must have a healthy relationship with their father, like by force!!! No room for parental emotional trauma here, soz I can’t be teaching you basics on emotional abuse and manipulation and using myself as your practice run. 

It is actually impossible. 

And finally not mad. 

Like from the earths core, to the highest of heavens, he cannot be mad. Too many women marry mad men and I cannot come and do mental comparisons with you all about who has the shorter straw. 

Nope, of all the flaws I’m willing to overlook...madness is not one of them. 

What is madness you ask? Kindly search Yoruba demon, fxckboys, baby boys, mennist, is it even rape if..., Future (aka multiple baby momma syndrome), get you a white women..., it’s not colorism it’s my preference..., four wives gang, honestly I could go on. 

Men that are willing to sacrifice your peace of mind for their desires. They are mad. 

A lot of people promote the notion that if he’s on deen he can’t be mad, I’m here to tell you that is false. 

If he’s sincerely on deen, like sincerely sincerely he can still be mad, but not intentionally mad. In those cases it’s honestly up to you to decide how you want to navigate that one. At least on deen mad men have a playbook and you know what to expect. However deen is often used to manipulate women and deliver unnecessary suffering. How many times will someone come to rub sabr and Salah on your head instead of telling the real truth... which is get TF out of that relationship. 

Sabr isn’t sitting in silence whilst you’re tormented, it’s getting up walking out and knowing God has your back in all things. Waiting on God to deliver his reward, be it in this life or the next. Sabr isn’t stay. 

Sabr isn’t stay. 

Sabr isn’t stay!!!! 

I can’t stress enough just how much Sabr isn’t stay, because people will tell you to stay through all manners of suffering. 

Yesterday my brother said marriage is romanticised and divorce is demonised. 

If that ain’t the truth, can I get a a-men from the congregation.

I can never look at anyone who left a situation that was no longer serving them as a failure or a flop or wrong. It’s our nosey ass selves that go looking to find extra information on a persons private situation to now start doing maths and chemistry on how the situation could have been salvaged. 

Hi. It’s none of your business. Bye. 

So back to me and my thoughts on this journey towards marriage. Honestly a lot of things about marriage annoy me, as a woman I can’t help but feel like I pulled the short straw in life. 

I personally have a lot to reconcile before I can say I’m looking forward to being married. Of course I don’t detest the notion either, I just struggle to see how beyond the importance placed on it in Islam women would willingly sign their lives away. 

Marriage equals another phase of life that you truly have to be ready for. I don’t think some women recognise the gravity of the door they’re walking through and they just see it as permanent boyfriend tings. Valentines and anniversaries, roses, chocolates and spooning.

I know I used to be one of them girls. We tenk God daily. 

Even then a part of me used to overthink and that’s why I believe I lowkey self sabotaged that situation a bit. Before it blew up I deffo lit a couple C4 bombs and threw it into the bonfire that was 2013-15. However, you can’t overthink yourself out of marriage. Well at least I definitely can’t anyways, I have a mother ready to push me out and lock the doors behind me if I ever tried to dilly dally lol. - wheeew chile, the external pressures. 

Right, back into it. 

I’ve lost my train of thought can’t lie. 

Oo things I can’t reconcile with this marriage thing. 

Certain man did 3-4 years in uni, copped a degree only to be a birthing machine. No hate on your journey, but lowkey lowkey...why does your career get derail by getting married 

You lose your individuality. You go from being your own being to being an adage on some next mans story. It really grinds my gears how women are introduced as XYZ’s wife. 

As a woman you’re a sacrificial lamb being put to slaughter. You’ll ultimately be sacrificing for the rest of your life. I love my mum, I love everything she’s done for me. Strongest woman I know. which is why I’m in no hurry to join the motherhood rat race. It’s selfish, but if I’m gonna live a lifetime of servitude - even if only to become half the woman my mother is - I’m gonna take my time and enjoy my free time first.

Men are trash - That’s pretty self explanatory, but for those new on the wave, society has been built around the needs and views of males. Which means if you don’t find the right male to till death do us part with, you’re life sucks B.

I’m stubborn and anti-authoritarian. Again self explanatory but, on a more personal level marriage involves a lot of maturity that my petty ass just isn’t ready to willingly start navigating. I hate the idea of sharing, submitting, running my decisions through another party… basically all the responsible parts of a responsible relationship I don’t want right now. If I’m being honest, I want the fun no and drama. 

Adulthood is a scam, therefore marriage is too. This adulating thing was thrusted onto me and since landing in this dystopia, I’ve become more cautious about other huge decisions I come to make in this reckless land. I can barely trust myself to make major decisions regarding my career path, I now have to pick a lifetime man too… nah sis, I’m stressed.

From the outside looking in, the people already married don’t really promote it well. I mean y’all are very vocal about your sufferings - kinda seems like a misery loves company club to me. I don’t know if its because the culture is very anti-pda or if it’s keep your blessings on the hush because of evil eye, but you hear more gore stories than you do good ones. 

That’s it for now, to wrap up I feel it’s important to say there’s nothing wrong with being a spinster, or taking your time to sign your life away (some might call it finding Mr Right). I for one can hold out on the “He made us in pairs” and ring emoji status’ a little longer, that cringe aside, I’m not looking for marriage in order to do image. So I’d like to think it’s okay for me to be a little thorough in my search and if your search yields nought then tawakalt and sabr. 

Although I pray against any and all trials (but if i must be trialled then I pray against any trial that I’m not equipped to face), difficulties, hardship, and madness. May we find goodness in store for ourselves in this life and the next, may we continue to be blessed, remain grateful for our blessings and remain steadfast in all our endeavours. May we never lose sight of God and May God remain close to us, consider us as those close to Him and shelter us and He sheltered those before us.

AMEN AMEN AMEN. MAY HE KEEP SUFFERING AWAY FROM ME LIKE HE KEPT DEATH AWAY FROM YUNUS WHEN HE WAS SWALLOWED BY THE WHALE. - GOD OF MERCY, GOD OF MIRACLES, GOD OF SUSTENANCE, I pray for you to be good to me.

[brimahandjohn]

Nimz And Sexual Harassment

Nimz and Everything Under The Sun

So recently I’ve come to realise I experienced work place harassment and the gravity of it is only really daunting on me now. 

I’m pissed to say the least. I’m pissed for several reasons and I’m still discovering new reasons. I can’t ever think my thoughts through without reaching a blockade of anger, sadness, regret, guilt, disgust and shame. 

We learn and we grow, and when I think back on certain situations in my past I can’t help but think how lucky I am to have survived this long with all the dumb ish I’ve gotten up to in the years. 

But that’s going off track, I was harassed and I’m pissed, I’m vengeful and saying it, admitting it, makes me shameful. 

It was 2013/14, I was working in retail, my manager was Muslim. I could finally pray comfortably at work - not that I couldn’t before, but before I wasn’t really understood. Or maybe that’s what I projected. Or maybe that was the atmosphere. Either way prayer was something I did when the shop front quietened down, not when it was due. So working with a Muslim manager and being able to pray was a big deal to me. 

A few weeks after I started working, the store was hiring again and I got to work with my friend from uni. The store was relatively young and the atmosphere was fun and vibrant. We’d banter, gist and chill. Most of us part timers were in our final year and we understood each other.  

I started off intent to work hard, I’d come from a more intense store so I didn’t have to do much to prove myself. 

I quickly rose in reputation, from newbie to trusted advisor. Which came mainly with the responsibility of helping the others. 

Life was pretty much calm, till one day my spider senses kicked in. 

I started feeling uncomfortable around my manager, I couldn’t put my finger on it directly. But I knew I hated being around him, his gaze lasted a little to long, I’d look up to find him staring at me, he’d stand a little too close. He seemed to always enter my space. 

I fobbed off the problem as being mine, I’m notoriously sensitive about my personal space and hate people encroaching. I felt I had to get over it because I couldn’t expect everyone to understand my unsaid laws about personal space. So I kept quite. 

He continued to stand closely and I continued to look for random reasons to ‘naturally’ move away. “I need a drink”, “I need to tie my shoe”, “what’s outside” and sometimes randomly helping someone else lol. 

My behaviour towards him started to change. I grew cold and dismissive, I shortened my responses and replied with closed sentences. I began to dread doing late shifts, because all the staff would have to close together and walk to the station together. Early shifts meant I could walk out on my own and the manager usually never does an early shift. I hated being called into his office. It was the size of shoe box and you were literally recycling air with the other person in there. If I had to go into the office I’d stand by the door leaving it slightly ajar. I’d fake smile and keep it short and sweet, so as not to prolong the conversation. 

However I was still convinced it was all in my head and I was being sensitive. My fix for the issue was to just be cold and distant and hopefully he’d get the message. I didn’t want to cause issues with my manager and I didn’t have the vocabulary I do now to be able to highlight the issue properly. 

At most what could I say? “you stand too close and the way you look at me makes me uncomfortable”, even now I look back and I see that as asking for further problems. For him to explain he had no negative intention, for their to be an elephant in the room, for the rest of the staff to rush to his defence and talk about how great a guy he is, how he’d never do anything to harm a woman. How nobody saw it like that, it was just me, I read too much into it and now things are awkward.

In the middle of the store was an oblong shaped island where the staff would naturally huddle around and chat during quiet time’s. During one shift we were all standing around and the manager came to stand too close to me once again. Our elbows were practically touching, I naturally shifted a little to the side. 

I can’t remember how the conversation went exactly but my (Muslim) manager says “Nimat is my work wife”, I remember freezing. He then says another staff member (who was married) was his other work wife. She laughed it off saying he’s always saying that. 

I felt disgusted. If I remember correctly it was during one of the many times he told us about his really brief marriage to some woman. I never asked questions because I was never interested, but it seemed prior to me moving to the store he had been in a marriage with a woman that barely lasted. The staff used to talk about it a lot. That conversation some how led to me being announced as his work wife whilst he stood too close to me. 

The statement validated all my suspicions. This guy was intentionally in my space and staring at me, I wasn’t imagining it. And now he’s making a statement of it. Almost looking for my co-sign. If I laugh and banter it off then this’ll be the running joke and a catalyst for worse. 

I didn’t laugh. I made a rubbish excuse and I moved away. From then on I hated work. It could be seen in my attitude. I’d be the first one out, id sit far away from the group and I’d call in sick on days when my manager was scheduled in and I couldn’t stomach being in with him. 

But I never said anything. 

He one day pulls me to the side and tells me how I used to be so sweet to him, but now I’m cold and how he felt like I faked my personality just to get the job. How he doesn’t even know how to talk to me anymore. I felt bad for him. I wanted to reassure him that everything’s fine, but I couldn’t. I said I’d try to be better. 

But the gazes continued and I remained uncomfortable. 

Eventually he got promoted but I still never said anything. 

I mean he’d never actually done anything. 

Did he even harass me? 

I spent months navigating myself, my personality and my time around a man who made me uncomfortable rather than calling him out. I grew sensitive and anxious, always aware of where he would be, where he was going to stand. I tried to preempt his moves, go for lunch after id seen him eat or heard him share his plans. I never wanted to be caught off guard, all because I was protecting someone else. Someone I didn’t even care for.

That’s why I’m so pissed when I think back to this situation. I’m annoyed at myself, I feel like a sham, this superwoman persona I parade in, #OpenYourMouf, and here I am silent. I didn’t speak out on a situation and I let the man continue with his behaviour, never once checking him and thus allowing him to be promoted into a higher position of power. 

If I felt powerless at him being a store manager, with all my bravado and fearlessness... how would the next girl feel now he’s higher ranking. 

I’m annoyed that a part of me still feels like it was my fault and all in my head. That I dramatised the attention given and made it into more than it was. I was sensitive.

I wrestle with the idea that it was sexual harassment or that I was harassed and I let it happen. If I read a story where someone is detailing events that happened to them and it feels a little too close to home I scroll past. I never finish reading, I never want to know how it was labelled. 

#MeToo really shook the tree I live under, it’s uncomfortable. It makes me hyper aware of how much I’ve betrayed myself, my values, how fraudulent I really am. 

All the wrongs I’ve rewritten as rights in my memory bank. How complicit I really am in the betrayal of women. 

I’m trying to navigate an energy consuming world whilst relinquishing as little energy as possible. I with my none of my business, just gonna mind my own, go hard or go home attitude. 

I’m finally starting to see how tiredness is part of the package when you’re born female, how minding your business and working hard isn’t enough. How the silent suffer, offer ourselves as sacrifices and if we don’t speak out now we choke on the words swallowed till eventually we either die or vomit it out. 

I’m currently vomiting. I refuse to let mad men and women kill me, I rebuke it. - I wish I can claim exaggeration for dramatic effect but the Nigerian jumped out. I honestly to God cannot come and kill myself. On this formally green earth of God, that you people have come to ruin and demolish with your over consumption and non renewable lifestyle, I cannot allow you to come and kill me too. 

Nope. Tofiakwa. 

I eventually left the company after a few more run ins with mad management. but when I think back to 2014, this incident sits firmly in my top 5 triggers for what was to follow that year. 

[brimahandjohn]

Nimz And Maintaining Your Value In Relationships

Nimz And Everything Under The Sun

Often I reflect on my relationships with people, quick bit of context I’m someone with very few serious relationships. 

I’m quite literal and I hold things close to their meaning. To call someone a friend without proper vetting is to me, disrespectful to my existing friends. To call you a friend, is to hold you on par with those I already call friends, and my existing friends are quite awesome to be honest. 

But then it’s really rude to call people in the awkward stages acquaintances, so thats often a dilemma I have… what do i call people who aren’t quite friends but also not just acquaintances.

I usually avoid labelling people as much as I can, some people may have noticed. I say “peeps” and luvs, l-u-v not l-o-v-e, or even mandem... but that’s analysis for another time.

Today I want to talk about my standards.

I think it’s important to know your limits and your relationship requirements, as someone with a pretty traumatic experience of adulting, I’ve learnt to pay attention to my boundaries.

My journey here hasn’t been smooth sailing. Ima be honest, I’ve had some shxtty experiences with people in the past. Of course with some blame on my part, but in general for me, navigating the friendship realm has been quite the charmer of a tale.

So one day a few years ago, I ran away from it all. I left everything behind and started  fresh. Me, my family and a handful of tried, tested, put through the rings, friends. 

Since then I’ve been quite the territorial Labrador with regards to who I allow close to me.

…and honestly, I’m here to say how wonderful it is!! Listen, protect your territory! Genghis Khan that ish. 

I’m so  aware of what I’m willing to allow (though I can get a little neurotic), that I refuse to allow room for anything below my standards. I force others to meet me where I’m at, or kick rocks.

What I’ve learnt however, is how very few people are prepared to meet you at your level. I initially made the mistake of thinking the fault was mine, at first every new person I walked away from made me relive my tumultuous past. I’d whine to my friend how there had to be something wrong with me, why couldn’t I let things go? why couldn’t I be the calm and casual friend that was all laughs and good times. 

Short answer? because I’m not a mug. 

What are my expectations from people? Don’t lie to me, don’t ghost me, don’t use me, don’t do anything you wouldn’t want done to you, don’t be a dickhead, don’t take me for a mug… basically DON’T DISRESPECT ME.

So I bet you’re thinking well, duh, that’s what everyone want’s from their friends

…why is that so hard for people then?

What I’ve learnt is, it’s not hard, we just rarely hold people accountable. So then the rules are lax and people slip up. 

I remember learning how if someone doesn’t show up on time to your appointments its a reflection of what that person believes your worth. I started applying that thinking to everything, if someone doesn’t respect you enough to text you they’re not showing up… guess what? 

If someone hurts you and doubles down, insisting they were just being “honest”

guess what?

If you’re constantly the but of the joke but it’s all just “banter”

guess what?

That person doesn’t value you much, and by allowing it you’re cosigning their worth of you. 

It’s starts off as a difficult conversation, but soon you get into the habit of pulling people up when they try to devalue you. It also requires you to be the example. I know I don’t like certain things, so i try not to do it to others. 

A pet peeve of mine is after listening to someone rant for hours on how someone did them dirts, to have the person do something similar to me.

Example being a recent ghosting incident, where someone vented to me on how badly they felt when someone in their life went MIA on them and then proceeded to do the same to me the next week. 

More often than not we’re aware of the impact of our actions when we make them, we’re also aware of how to make amends. We choose not to.

Which brings me to the other part of valuing myself and standing by my standards. Recognising I owe it to myself to call myself out and apologise for how my behaviour impacts others. If I am aware I’ve hurt someone or i’ve been approached by someone regarding an incident, I’m learning to listen and let them land. 

Learning when to listen and when to speak up has been part of defining my boundaries. Recognising that not all situations require a reaction, explanation or confrontation. Ima big fan of block and move on, and more recently mute and move on. Out of sight, out of mind. 

Someone once said to me “do you know what at some point you have to do your healing yourself, you can’t keep blaming outside factors” - That same person later went on to disrespect my standards. The irony.

What I learnt from that incident was 1. people are mad and 2. people are aware of what they’re doing. 3. We all have some sort of healing and growth to go through and we can’t interrupt our growth for other people.

I think it’s really important to set standards, rules and boundaries and stick to them. Both for yourself and for others. 

It’s okay to dictate what you allow into your personal space and It’s okay to follow through when you’re at your limit. 

[brimahandjohn]

Nimz and Everything On Her Chest

Nimz and Everything Under The Sun. 

For a good year probably more I’ve been feeling this emotional block, which has been hard for me to navigate through. I’ve spoken to anyone who’ll listen about it. Without really going into it, I should add. I’m willing to talk about it, but not deal with it it seems. Everyone’s reassuring about how much of a first step talking about it is, but when you have huge dreams and ambitions slow progress often feels like no progress. 

I don’t expect myself to change over night, but I do expect change. Positive change. And as of late it feels like I’m regressing. 

So I’ve forced myself to the gym and I’m currently writing this out whilst strolling on the treadmill. My plan is to write freely whilst power walking on this incline.

I’m a terrible multitasker, so the idea is maybe I’ll be so focussed on not falling over my brain won’t be able to block all the thoughts I’m so clearly running away from. 

Let’s go - 

I have one secret that I don’t want to share, I keep getting this recurring thought that I’ll eventually have to open up about it. Facts are if I speak, things’ll change. I don’t want things to change. I don’t feel massively effected by it. I feel more like society is telling me I have to speak out. But I honestly don’t need to. It was years ago, I’m here now. I have a life I’m quite comfortable with. I don’t want it to be my story. I don’t want it to be my buzzline or my clickbait title.

I can’t control other people’s reaction and this one thing is part of my story I guess. So me too. 

Today I realised I don’t really like this version of myself. I joke often about my frequent personality upgrades, we’re probably on Nimz 20.0 but I’d quite like to go back to 2012 Nimz. I love myself. I love who I am and what I’ve built. I love all the experiences I’ve had. I love every flaw and every mistake and every sxck my big toe I’ve ever dropped. But facts are, I don’t like this Nimz. She’s pessimistic, laughs less, narcissistic creeping in too. She’s overly self critical and others herself intentionally. She refuses to get close to people - cos everyone is trash. And she’s searching for something she doesn’t know what is. This Nimz is a piece of work and honestly I don’t even have time for her. 

I intend to write a whole piece on the Ex’s. Friends, loves, rebounds even crushes. I’ll save the gritty for then, but for now... y’all did a number on me. This isn’t about blame and fault, I think it’s my first admission that it was all a mess and I was hurt. I’ve always felt that I couldn’t show weakness. I mean if I did I was opening myself up to being gossip fodder. So I manned up and forced myself into situations I really didn’t need to be in. I avoided and wore a mask. Honestly, in hindsight, I kinda wish we all rocked out and just fought. However thank you, I learnt lessons I had no business missing. Y’all schooled me and gave me a crash course. So now in 2018, I think it’s time to re-enrol for the full course on healing and unlearning. 

There’s this expectation that with growth comes betterment and I’m really really tired of holding myself to this standard. I want to be trash, misbehave, denounce my responsibilities and honestly twerk everywhere. I hate the increasing responsibilities and expectations that come with being a black Muslim woman. I really want to put my best foot forward and be someone to be proud of, but I also want to be ratchet and an ay girl. - which brings me back to one of the Ex’s, the one who moved on with their life but left me with words that I think I just realised at this moment I’m still holding myself too. “I don’t want to prove xyz right”. The monotonal voice humming deep in my conscience. I heard you just now.

- Yay, I think this distracting my brain thing is working.

I think I’m gonna taking a year off to misbehave. This won’t be televised, it’ll be behind closed doors, but I’m deffo taking my twerk on tour. 

I miss having friends. Everyone got trolled by adulthood and now we’re all on these different paths trying to make it. We’re together but alone at the same time. I miss y’all. I genuinely love y’all. I’m sorry I don’t say it often. I wish I could describe how comforting your presence is to me. When I was jobless and a bum I’d drive down and just chill on y’all sofas chatting shxt and laughing. I know these developments are mainly my doing. I felt I had to make it then come back for y’all. I felt I was holding y’all back by always being broke. Always demanding lifts. Never wanting to go anywhere further than one bus ride. So I stopped reaching out. And now y’all far and few living wholly and fully and I’m a shadow in your stories. Always present but never clear, never a whole person, a whole moment. I now appear as a phone call, a random tweet, a memory of a private joke we share. It’s largely my fault but y’all are shxt too.

Call me, come to mine, show up. I don’t ask often but I miss you and I need y’all. Don’t slow down your hustle for me though, I’ve got you in prayer, in darkness and in joy. 

I’m not having fun anymore. And I don’t know why if I’m being honest. I think it’s all of these rules and restrictions I’ve unintentionally internalised. I realised today I don’t know how to have fun. I’m always on my best behaviour and I’m always careful of what I’m saying and doing. I’m tired.

That’s it for now. I think that’s all that’s on my chest at the moment. I feel lighter. I don’t think I accessed the locked treasure chest in me. But I do feel like I spoke to myself frankly. I’m a mess, that’s not changing anytime soon. But I’ve always been okay with that. 

[brimahandjohn]

Collabs + Models '18

Photography in collaboration with models, influencers and bloggers. 

Shot + Directed by Myself

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[brimahandjohn]

I DON'T WANT KIDS

The one where we discussed the lady who doesn't want kids but her partner does

[brimahandjohn]

Single Muslim in Like - Insta discussion

We talk love and like in this story.

[brimahandjohn]

A bathroom, a breakdown and realisation 1. "November 13th" by Aisha Morgan

November thirteenth. 

Curly hair unwrapped and let loose past shoulders too prideful to admit that it all has suddenly become too much. Whitewashed walls and a mother feigning strength as she witnesses her daughter unbalanced and unhinged for the very first time in her twenty-one years of life. 

So this is what burnout looks like? 

Locking oneself in a bathroom cubicle, body slumped across the stone-coloured floor as you gasp desperately for air through the ordeal that is a very public and violent nervous breakdown. 

Handing in a letter saying that you are dropping out of university in your final year, after promising your grandfather three years prior to his death that you would never take his many sacrifices for granted, and that you would honour his hard work by being the scholar that neither he, nor your grandmother, nor your father, nor your mother, was ever allowed to be. 

Email alerts coming through every other minute, reminding you that you are necessary to the cause. You have commitments and obligations that you cannot turn your back on. You are indispensable and you are needed by almost everyone around you. 

Realisation #1: You’re tolerating a lot

...(cont.) 

Excerpt from August (Rabbit-Hole) Issue of MKTB. Click here to read the rest.

[brimahandjohn]

First Page Blues - A New Chapter

On my first day of English in secondary school, my English teacher had us write a paragraph in our brand new exercise books, she told us all exactly what to write and where. The very first page *gasppppss*! If you're like me then you already know all about first page blues. I still to this day prefer to skip the first page all together and start writing on the second (third if you count both sides) page.

There's this feeling of crisp freshness that comes with the first page. This purity which for some is difficult to taint. At my table was a beautiful girl called Dionne. Dionne would rip the page out anytime she made an error. I couldn't copy her though,  I hated the ripped pages more than the errors. Ms Norton, however was already aware of our quests for perfection, she dictated what to write, paused, then said "It's okay to make mistakes, I just did". The classroom groaned in unison, she calmly told us to put a line through the error and continue on. I remember Dionne instantly ripping the page out, as I however looked on. The seed of distrust planted firmly in my mind, Ms Norton and I went on to have a rocky relationship. 

Now here I am, more than ten years later, experiencing the same first page blues, the fear of ruining something clean and pure. You can't fail if you don't try, you can't fall if you don't leap. If you leave it as is you won't mess it up... In the face of that nagging need for perfection or nothing at all, I can't help but recall Ms Norton and how she ruined my first page on my first day...

...and how it didn't stop me from passing English.

It's okay to make mistakes, I always do. Don't hold yourself back for fear of falling, like, we literally have giant tin cans taking people from country to country.

I think about that a lot, If I'd known the Wright brothers, I'd have lol'd in their face and died having never boarded their seemingly death trap. Which leads me to not everyone will see your vision, it'll even sometimes get a little blurry for you too. Keep pushing!

[brimahandjohn]

WATCH: #MNTQXtra Recapping Episode 5 of Weekly Podcast #MNTQpod

[brimahandjohn]

#MNTQXtra We're On YouTube Giving You A Weekly #MNTQpod Wrap Up

I never did do a blogpost about the podcast did I? K, it's coming... here's a vid on it though.

Enjoy x

[brimahandjohn]

Issa Gifting ting. Last minute Eid Gifts for next day delivery #AsToldByNimz #StyleInspo

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So Eid is round the corner and some of y'all might want to send me gifts. For your information I'm not fussy, I want both money and clothes, Tenx.

 Here's a list of items I think would make great gifts.

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K. I'm done, Eid Mubarak

Adios xx

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[brimahandjohn]

Menswear I swear I’d wear - #AsToldByNimz #StyleInspo

Issa another Wednesday and today's wishlist is all about menswear I'm trying to convince my brothers to buy so we can share. - y'know, spending ban and all that 😢

The main thing I wear super oversized are my hoodies and on occasion some shirts and tees. So erm, I guess this is gonna be all about hoodies. Timely as we are moving into Autumn and my sensitive self is already feeling congested and feverish.

​

£9 ASOS Oversized Super Long Sleeve

Because £9.

-

http://www.asos.com/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=8125114

K. That's all folks,

Turns out bottoms are a whole other ____

(My mind went blank. I knew the word then it ran away. I can't be asked to rewrite the whole sentence. I could have though in the time it did to write all'a dis)

Anywhoos, this was fun.

My eyes hurt, I can't breathe and my nose keeps running but nothing comes out when I blow.

his is a cry out for attention, feed it to me.

I need several "aww baby" and a couple kishes with a head rub on top.

 K, thanks.

Bye.

[brimahandjohn]

Wednesday Wishlist - #AsToldByNimz #StyleInspo

A look at some of the items in my wishlist. 

Good Lord, I think it's time to admit (state the obvious) that I'm a shopaholic! I love shopping in all its forms, window, online, fruit and veg... you name it, I will basket it. My fave (not by choice) of late is pree and leave, yah girl's suffering some serioussss new clothes withdrawal.

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K, the end. Tenx for tuning in,

See ya next time, kishessss

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[brimahandjohn]

Bargain finds under £20(ish) - #AsToldByNimz #StyleInspo

Let's skip the long intro and just jump straight into it, here's a list of clothing-dem under £20. 

And maybe a couple floating around that £20 mark... we'll just have to see how thing go

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[brimahandjohn]

What's "Under my umbrella-ella-ella" - #AsToldByNimz #StyleTips

Is it really the UK if it's not raining every four days?

I have a love/hate relationship with rain. I hate being caught in the rain when I'm not prepared for it. I love the rain when I'm indoors and in bed, the perfect relax and cuppa weather. I also love it when I'm dressed right, I personally don't mind being wet (ish)

I always tell people "I love the rain, I just hate the ground being wet"

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So let's start from the ground up...

Chelsea Boots

I bring out my Chelsea boots at the hint of rain. Dark clouds? Grey skies? Damp air smell? Weather app says chances of rain tomorrow not today?

That last one especially cos we all know the weather app is a snake

 Chelsea Wellies = Yassss! I wouldn't buy the Ted Baker ones because I'm cheap and the black cheaper pair does the same thing, but the bougie in me is really trying to convince me the Ted Baker's are much nicer. 

Lace Ups

There was a time when I spent months looking for the perfect lace up boots, I found them, then proceeded to buy two pairs. Brown and black. I've since rarely worn the brown, I feel guilty to this day.

Brown boots are such a nice idea but in reality they're hardly everyday wear (for me). Additionally once the rain hits em they discolour

...and who really wants to wear boots on dry, sunny days. So your feet can be doing hot and steamy? Issa no from me boo

But a girl can dream, so here's a pair that I like the idea of and if ever I had a one off event I need to slay-casual for, I'd deffo consider purchasing.

*slay-casual: turn up, but not too loud.

   So I just remembered I need to update my black boots 🙃🙃

 What's a boot list with thought the good Dr? I'm the biggest flop cos I still haven't bought my own pair yet. 

Okies, progressing upwards to bottoms.

Anything that doesn't go beyond the ankle works for me. I hate hate hate with a passion the tails of my trousers getting wet. I further hate the wet ends rubbing on my socks or ankles. Eurgh. I can't.

I hate it as much as I hate the squelch of wet leaves in autumn rain.

Imagine how much I hate wearing an abaya when it rains. It even upsets me to see other people letting their abayas soak up all the wetness. Like pick it up, tie a knot in it, tuck it in your jeans a lil... do something!!!!

 Anywhoos back to the matter at hand. Anything swingers works for me.

So here are a few examples

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 A little out of theme as I wouldn't actually wear these next two in the rain, but I couldn't help but think of my mum when I saw this.

Lemme clarify, If I was caught in the rain in the next items I wouldn't be mad, as they fit my rain requirements, however they're more suited for a different style theme.

  Ohh the modestyyyy, skirt on trousers 😱

As mentioned earlier, if I was wearing this and it rained I wouldn't mind entirely as it fits all my rain outfit requirements. As long as I had the right footwear I'd stroll along happily.

I always discover things whenever I'm putting together this list, it's really not helping my shopaholic withdrawal.

 So the denim maxi skirt I fell in love with is back in stock...

....And out of stock in my size. How very sad 😢

 I dunno if I like this next one because it's down from £245 to £65 or because I actually like it lol

UPDATE: I actually like it

Time to talk about my top half.

At this point we all know the headscarf on my head is most likely accompanied with a hat of some sort so we'll be skipping that and ending on tops.

   Which leads me onto the obvious, rain coats.

I've been thinking it's about time I invested in one. Preferably one I can foldaway, so like my umbrella and my prayer mat, I can carry it with me everywhere

 Anyways you get the gist. I can already hear my mum saying I should just wear a nylon bag. "Omo yi (This child), You like to spend too much".

It's been fun. See you next time for some more style inspos and tips. 

 Kisses,

Nimz

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