You sneaky little bastard. I thought you were gone, and I was okay. I mean, I have full control over my life finally. Full-time job, the best of friends, a wonderful support system. And yet you’re here, for what reason again?
After my whole life thinking I would be insanely full with life and satisfied once I had full control over various aspects of my life, I was fooled. I have everything I could ask for, yet I am still dealing with this sneaky little bastard, and today it hit me.
Depression isn’t something you can win or lose at, it simply is. Once you’ve hit that low and come back, you know what you’re capable of, yes, but it’s so easy to go back there. It’s that dark place that becomes your refuge, your home, your comfort. You go there when things start to get bad again, but of course never that far into the abyss, just close enough to feel at home again. The candles come out, lights go off, and bottles come out. It’s you, alcohol, and a pretend smile. Things, always, will be better tomorrow. It’s just getting through the present moment that’s the bitch.
It is easier sometimes, but it’s hard as hell sometimes too. The butterflies swarm your stomach and you’re nauseous, and no, there isn’t a logical reason for it. It just is. It happens, stays a while, then leaves. Routine is essential. I’ve also discovered that time alone is an enemy. It gives you too much opportunity to analyze, to be restless, to think, and God that’s the last thing you really want to do.
You wonder why can’t I be happy? Why do I continue to fight this battle? Everything is fine, I should be happy, so why? Nature doesn’t offer the answers to the questions we ask sometimes. We just have to keep going, keep fighting, and make it through another day.
For me, depression isn’t something to win or lose at. To lose would mean suicide, and I love my family too much for that. To win would mean never feeling this way again, and I sure as hell know that won’t happen. I’ve stopped fighting the illogical aspect of it and have accepted it. Sure, medicine is an option, but I don’t want that. I’m making it work without it. I want to overcome this, but I don’t believe that’s possible. Call me a pessimist, whatever. I like to think I’m a realist, and I just know that this is a battle that I will always be fighting. I just have to be strong enough to get through the waves when they start crashing. I’ve been through it before and overcame the bouts, and I’ll do it again.
Cheers to a better tomorrow.
tangentwithtanner
yousharknotpass
titsay
germansingergirl
blakekathryn
pixelskylines
prguitarman
