I went to your funeral last night
There was nothing, and then you were gone. Just like that, in a instant. I didn’t know how to feel... Actually, I still don’t.
I was numb, confused, and... sad, maybe? Other people were there, I think, well I assume, but all I couldn’t see or hear them. It was just the two of us.
You said you wanted a Catholic funeral. Honestly, I was too far lost in my emotions to pay attention. I hope it was what you wanted.
You once told me, when your brother died, that you didn’t want black worn to your funeral. Instead you wanted bright happy colors, so I sat there, in god awful bright yellow, with my back to your tombstone, verbally sobbing. Something I haven’t done since I was a kid.
I began to babble. As soon as I could talk, I couldn’t stop. Words flowed out of my mouth. Mostly apologies for everything that was wrong with me and wrong with our relationship. Hell, I’m pretty sure I was apologizing for being myself at some point. Time no longer had meaning, so I don’t know how long I stayed.
Before anybody could get through to me, assuming anybody was trying, I woke up. I was lying in bed, and Katniss was wanting to be fed.I sat up slowly and looked at my phone. I needed to get going, because I was meeting you and Dad for breakfast before the baseball game. The three of us were going for Mother’s Day.
As reality set in, I found more questions that answers. Why would I dream about your funeral? Why on Mother’s Day? How could I be around you after experiencing something like that?? For the first time in years, I actually did verbally sob, but those tears were about facing you after what I’d just been though.
Even now, I’m really struggling. I bite back the tears as I remind myself that none of it is real. You are alive an well, and I am the same person I’ve always been.
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